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how odd is this? funeral related

ali-1411ali-1411 member
in Austin Babies

Our friend's father died last week.  For various reasons, they aren't having a funeral service or anything at a funeral home but they are having a wake-type thing tomorrow at their house. 

I didn't see it but DH says they have a flyer circulating about what do to/not do.  Things like:  Do not say, "He's in a better place" or "He's not in pain anymore"  It said that offering your condolences or flowers is acceptable.  

Obviously, its their father and their house, whatever they want, we'll go along with.  But does that strike anyone else as extremely odd?  Maybe unusual is a better word?  

Or maybe we should all just be this upfront about what will bother us so that nobody will p!ss us off.  

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Re: how odd is this? funeral related

  • L L CGL L CG
    I wonder if whoever wrote it is trying to protect someone else's feelings.  Maybe the son wrote it up because he knows the mom can't stand those comments, or vice-versa, or maybe they know that the deceased didn't care for those comments?
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  • Jess.OJess.O
    I have never seen or heard of that before.  It makes me think that they're trying to "protect" someone in the family from being more upset or sad.  (I don't know if protect is the right word.)  It seems weird to me.  Nobody ever knows what to say in situations like that but (to me) this would make it even more uncomfortable because I'd be worried that I'd say one of the wrong things.
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  • ali-1411ali-1411 member

    imageL L CG:
    I wonder if whoever wrote it is trying to protect someone else's feelings.  Maybe the son wrote it up because he knows the mom can't stand those comments, or vice-versa, or maybe they know that the deceased didn't care for those comments?

    That's what I figured, I think the wife wrote it, it was her FIL who died.  So I think she's trying to protect her DH.  His mom died a few years back, maybe those were things that upset him then? 

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  • ali-1411ali-1411 member

    imageJess.O:
    I have never seen or heard of that before.  It makes me think that they're trying to "protect" someone in the family from being more upset or sad.  (I don't know if protect is the right word.)  It seems weird to me.  Nobody ever knows what to say in situations like that but (to me) this would make it even more uncomfortable because I'd be worried that I'd say one of the wrong things.

    This is exactly my problem!  Those aren't things I'd normally say anyway but now its on my mind, watch me totally eff it up.

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  • fjarilfjaril

    it sounds like they are religious people and don't want anything alluding to that hereafter thought pattern.

    I'd be happy to be told what is ok to say and not, saves me from being unsure. Good luck.

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  • TayteeTaytee

    Everyone should know not to say these things but it's the kind of dumb comments people say naturally. With good intentions, but they're hurtful. It may not be PC but least it's educating people.

    The safest thing to say is "I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do, please let me know". Saying much else is sometimes not well recieved.

    When I returned to clinicals at the hospital after my D&C at 10 weeks, one of the nurses said "Oh, honey! I'm so sorry! I know just how you feel. My cat Fluffy that I've had for 8 years just died over the weekend"  Indifferent My baby. Your cat. Not in the same emotional plane. OK, maybe now I can say that she may have hurt more, but not to me. Not 1 week after my surgery. Not after I lost the baby I'd been carrying for 10 weeks. She meant well, but it was a stupid thing to say. As a nurse, she should know better. How little does the average person know about how to talk to people who are grieving?

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