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Multiples
MIL/party 3 weeks after birth
My MIL called me yesterday and said that she wants to have a party for the girls after they're born so everyone can meet them. I said no problem, I just want to wait until after the winter and cold and flu season are over. She said no, she wants to have it on 2/12. My c-section date is 1/18 (hopefully I make it to then!) so that's only 3.5 weeks later. She wants to rent out a hall and invite a ton of people (she had over 100 people at our engagement party).
I told her again that I wasn't comfortable with that, especially not that many people. She said we just won't let anyone hold them, which isn't realistic. I told her I'd talk to H when he got home and he agrees with me completely. However, I talked to my mom and she said I'm being ridiculous. What if they need to spend time in the NICU? How would I have them at that kind of event so early on when I'm breastfeeding two of them on demand? And having them around so many people at such a young age seems like such a bad idea. I'd much rather wait until the spring when they're a few months old and it's not the middle of the cold and flu season.
H is planning on telling his mom it's not going to happen when we see them on Christmas, but my mom saying I'm nuts makes me wonder if I'm really off base. Is this something I should just let her do?
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Re: MIL/party 3 weeks after birth
No. NO, and NOOOOO.
One of my twins was hospitalized for 4 nights with meningitis (turned out to be viral, but we didn't know that whole time and it was scary) a week after their baptism. We only had about 30 people at the baptism/party, and we weren't passing the babies around or anything- but he STILL got so sick from being around all those people. It was horrible.
No FUUCKING WAY.... esp during the winter.
ETA: I'm not even a freak about taking babies out, etc... but i can tell you that 3 weeks after their birth I was not up for a big party - let alone taking the twins to one with all those peoploe.... You will be a zombie from no sleep, the babies will not have a good schedule yet... you might still be in a decent amount of pain from the c/s... the list goes on and on.
I took my babies out a week after they were born- shopping, to eat, etc- but no way would i have brought them to a party like that.
Thanks for the responses. I was shocked when my mom disagreed with me and was worried that I was being crazy. I'm certainly not a germaphobe and know that my kids will get sick and get hurt as they grow up, but in my mind there's a huge difference between exposing them to germs at 3 weeks versus even 3 months.
I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow anyway, so I'll ask her about rcvery time from a c-section just to at least give my H more of a reason she can't argue with ("Jen's doctor said she can't be planning to be at any big outings for at least x number of weeks anyway"). My sister is taking my nephew to see his pediatrician tomorrow and we'll be using the same one, so maybe I'll have her ask about his recommendation for when would be okay to take them to that sort of event. Now that I know I'm not being nuts we're definitely going to say no anyway, but having doctors say no will likely cause less of an argument then just saying we're not comfortable with it.
I know my MIL is super excited and wants to show them off, and I'm happy that she is so eager to be a grandparent. Some of the stuff she comes up with is nuts, though. She gave us two very long necklaces with tiny pendants on them and wants the girls to wear them every day "so we can tell them apart". I gently explained that they're a choking hazard, but that we'd be happy to have them wear them when they get baptized and we're holding them and watching them. She also said we can't name them until after they're out of the hospital when we'll have a naming ceremony (H is from India, so they have different traditions). I explained that we have to name them because we have to fill out their birth certificates, but that we can still do the ceremony after if she wants. I feel like H and I tell her no all the time, which I feel bad about.
At 3.5 weeks (and I was BF too), there is NO WAY I'd be able to go out to a party.
When the girls were 6 weeks old DH and I took them to our friends house (2 miles away) for a birthday party. There were about 20 people there. We showed up after dinner, around 9 pm, and stayed until just shy of 11. It felt like a HUGE feat!
Um...there is no way!
I wouldn't have felt up to anything until at least 3 months.
I had my boys by C section on 1/18 of this year. So great day that is!
But no, your mother and MIL are crazy. There is no way I was near recovered enough for a big party. Nor would I have taken my boys in the middle of a ton of people in winter. Nuh uh.
I'm with you. Absolutely not. I'm shocked they think having a party FULL of people in WINTER with 3 week olds, is a good idea. Nope.
Stand your ground on this one momma!
Twins due 4/7
18w5d - A 8oz & B 9oz
22w5d - Both 1lb 1oz 34%
25w6d - A 1lb 11oz 34% B 1lb 15oz 79%
27w6d - Both 2lbs 11oz and 55%
31w6d - A 3lbs 12oz B 3lbs 15oz 30%
Um, no. No no no. We went to a family wedding at 4 weeks, and it was A LOT. A lot to get me dressed, the boys dressed, everything packed, everyone transported, etc. We only stayed for the ceremony, and I'm glad we went because I was dying to get out of the house, but it was exhausting before, during, and after. No way I'd do a whole party. None.
And it's great that you're planning to have so much info back up from doctors, but your "no" should be enough to squash the idea. You'll want to start setting boundaries ASAP. Good luck!
"Grandma excitement" - I like that phrase! We're definitely going to have to be setting boundaries with both sets of parents. My sister has a 4 month old and she, her H and the baby live with my parents so they're used to unlimited access to the baby and expect us to be over there all the time - not happening. My MIL to,d me yesterday that some days we can go to her house (my MIL's) and other days she'll come here, so she also expects to be with them every day. I really do appreciate the excitement and offers to help, but we need to figure out how to do things on our own and establish our own routine. Of course we'll want and need help and they're welcome to come here to visit often, but I anticipate some hurt feelings early on.
Thanks for validating mine and my H's instincts - my relationship with my IL's hasn't been the easiest and I wanted to make sure that me saying no was coming from the right frame of mind.
TTC #1 Since July 2009 slightly low progesterone, endo, kinked right tube, Clomid, Lap and Hysteroscopy, and 13 months TTC = BFP! (7/23/10) Cautiously Expecting... 8/19/10 - it's TWINS!... 11/8/10 - Boy/Girl twins! Born 37w4d
what everyone else said. I didn't feel up to anything until 6-7 weeks...and the pedi will not clear you to bring your babies to a party with 100 people unvaccinated in the middle of cold/flu season...your MIL/Mother are crazy....
and set boundries now! do not be afraid to tell your mother/MIL that they cannot come over....advocate for yourself and do not feel guilty about it at all....you will need time alone with your babies/dh and do not feel a bit bad telling people that they can't come over every time they call...sure they may be disappointed in the beginning...but they'll get over it. GL!
This. You won't even have to be the bad guy because there is no way your pedi would okay this party for preemies in the middle of RSV season. No way!
Mine were born at 36w in Oct, very little NICU time, and we kept them on lock down until spring with very few outings and strict cleanlyness guidelines at home for us and visitors.
I agree with everyone else. You are completely right about this.
We had a similar (although with less people) experience with my parents. We are going to visit them for Christmas and the initially planned a huge Christmas party since it is the twins first Christmas and thier first trip to visit the grandparents. We had to tell them no due to RSV season. They didn't give us a hard time but I could tell they didn't really understand why. I found a letter online explaining the risk of exposing newborns and/ or preemies to RSV/ cold/ flu virus. I emailed it to them and posted it to facebook with a nice note. Everyone kept commenting how smart I was for posting it and for helping to explain why we had to wait until spring before we'd be bringing the babies to large gatherings.
Lily born at 27 wks: 2 lbs 4 oz.
Max born at 27 wks: 2 lbs 2 oz.
Glenn born at 31 wks: 3 lbs 9 oz.
My twin's birth story
Ooh, do you happen to have a copy of that still?
I totally agree with you. Having that many people around newborns is just not a good idea. I'd be stressed out the entire time.
Our DD1 (full term, problems) wasn't "cleared" for large crowds until 6 wks and DD2 (33 weeker, with a NICU stay) wasn't allowed in large crowds until after cold & flu season (she was 6/7 months old then). If you already have your pedi picked out, you can call them ask what their policy is.
eta: wording
Well, I do agree with you on everything, BUT I just saw that you are preggo! WOW, Congrats! I havnt been on TB for awhile!
You are not being unreasonable at all. Before 8 weeks of age if they have a temp 100.4 or higher they will automatically get blood drawn, a catheterized urine sample, a spinal tap and at least a 48 hour stay in the hospital.
How would your MIL feel if that had to be done to one of her grandbabies?
I would not have been up to it at 3.5 weeks of age anyway. GL - it is hard to set boundaries with grandparents but it is important for your sanity and to help prevent hurt feelings.