I never really knew

Mrs.Babbsy · December 2011

how hard IVF's actually were, you know. My first one I had 2 beautiful little girls.

Now I am coming off IVF#2 which was a BFN, now IVF#3 is ending in a chemical pregnancy. No matter what's called, I lost my baby(ies). It's heartbreaking.

I can't get over this feeling and I am in a funk. I don't know how to recover from this one.

I am rambling, I know. I have spent all day in bed and finally got up to take the girls to see santa, now I am back and crying all over again. I am trying to think forward, but I just can't.

newsbaby · December 2011

Oh you are breaking my heart now too. I know it hurts, believe me I do. It took me 5 cycles to have my twins. I was convinced it would never happen. But I have to say that you are so strong. I could never do what you have done! I envy your strength. You are going to get through this hurt and get what you want someday soon. Hugs!

DavezWife · December 2011

Tabz, it's OK to be a hot mess right now. It's OK to cry and scream and kick, because it's NOT FAIR, it's NOT easy, and this is really really hard stuff.

Read the ditty in my siggy, and then go do what you think will make you feel better right now.

Worry about tomorrow then. The pain is always going to be a part of you, but it will lessen over time. You find some spunk and the drive to keep going. But for now, be sad all you want. I'm sad for ya too.

Rachael07.07.07 · December 2011

I'm so sorry Babbsy. I wish things didn't end up this way. I don't have much other than ((((hugs)))) for you.

pandabearlover · December 2011

I'm so sorry. I hope 2012 brings you a baby or two!

armywife76 · December 2011

It's an awful, awful feeling. I'm so sorry, Babbsy. Take time for some TLC. Will be thinking of you and sending you a big hug.

desabean · December 2011

I feel like getting pregnant this time was so much harder emotionally and physically. Not sure why it feels that way...but I can relate to your feelings. And, having my 1st IVF result in a similar m/c - c/p I know a bit of what you are feeling right now too.

First, your hormones are acting whacky but it is devastating and soooo scary to think you now have to go through this again and risk these feelings again (or quit, which for so many of us is simply not an option).

Hopefully your numbers will go back to zero fast, (I had a hellish m/c that took forever which made emotional healing so much harder) at least then you can focus on your next steps. For right now, I think it is totally normal and actually probably healthy for you to mourn and cry. You've had a loss, if you weren't crying all over the place-- then maybe it would be appropriate for you to quit. You are working super hard for something you want super bad-- that is cry worthy. Give yourself some time.....and then get back up on that horse ; )

Hang in there!!

RoxBride · December 2011

I am so sorry.

JillRock96 · December 2011

I'm so sorry. Our first IVF cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy, and I remember laying on the bathroom floor feeling like I would never recover. After putting yourself (mentally and physically) through the hell that is an IVF cycle, a chemical seems like a cruel joke. Take the time you need to be angry and sad. (((HUGS)))

emmyloustu · December 2011

(((hugs))) your post is taking me back to some of my darkest days. I always seemed to have failed cycles around the holidays & I think it magnifies the hurt & sorrow. I am os, so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take your pain away. Take care of yourself!

GreenEyedGal · December 2011

I feel the same way about IF in general. We seem to be in a similar boat so I completely understand how you feel about the funk. I'll be praying that we both get our BFP's in 2012.

etoyama · December 2011

Huge (((HUGS)))

jlcrane78 · December 2011

I had a really hard time when my pregnancy with the boys ended in a c/p. I didn't know how to process it, but it was definitely a loss. No matter how early you lose your baby/ies, it still hurts like heck. Give yourself time to mourn, and the thinking forward will come in time. Sending you hugs girl. I can't say it enough how much the whole thing just sucks.

njdcgirl · December 2011

It sucks. Bad. Take time to cry, and when you are ready, push on. Huge ((hugs)) and understanding coming your way.

Dragonfly1226 · December 2011

(((((hugehugs))))) Give yourself a couple of days. This is still so fresh. And you're right, it is a loss. Allow yourself to grieve without feeling guilty. I hate that you are going through this.

dana316 · December 2011

(((Hugs)))

missyjg · December 2011

Im so so sorry you have to go through this. IVF is hard, IF is unfair. My heart breaks for you. Cry, scream and stomp as much as you need. ((hugs))

t.bird · December 2011

it's pretty_shitty & you're allowed to be in a funk right now.

but you'll pull through this- i promise.

MontyMrs · December 2011

((HUGS)) on the c/p - I'm just so sorry. IVF's are hard, just hard. I remember my first cycle was with you on the TTTC board back in the day and I was so excited for you and so, so heartbroken with my c/p. It ended up taking me a combo of 6 fresh and frozen cycles to get my sticky one's and seriously every early loss and every BFN was heartbreaking. As many of our veterans know, your heart gets broken but then somehow you find a way to pick up the pieces, find a little hope and move onto the next cycle. I hope this upcoming FET is a success and you don't have to go through this any more. Extra ((HUGS))

Dochas · December 2011

I'm so sorry. I know this is just a childish kind of pout - but I really think IVF should always be guaranteed. I don't mean insured. I just mean that it should always work. It just should. My heart aches for you.

MonkeysGirl05 · December 2011

You just have to give yourself a little time. I think after my failed IVF's, I had to build a little wall up. Lean on family and friends if you need to, but focus on the two little miracles that you do have. (((hugs)))... I know it is cliche, but time does heal.

DeputiesWife · December 2011

I am so very sorry.

I'm thinking of you -- and for me, it took me a little while to get over the c/p of IVF#1. DH said that we lost a battle, not the war. And that has stuck with me. And he is right.

Mouseygail · December 2011

((((HUGS))))) I wish there was anything I could to do make it easier or take some of the heartache away!

perry7285 · December 2011

i am so sorry you are dealing with this sweetie. i know it is so painful. please let us know if there's anything we can do to support you.

tapgirl · December 2011

I don't have anything new to add, but I did want to say I'm so sorry. What you are feeling is totally normal. Give yourself some time to grieve this loss. You will find the strength to move forward. (((hugs)))

PhillySue · December 2011

Oh Babbsy huge hugs to you. I know how you are feeling. I remembering thinking that getting pregnant with Katie was sooo easy I only need one IVF! I thought number 2 would be a breeze I even thought I would get a surprise BFP (who was I kidding). I was so depressed because I had it in my head how far apart I wanted my kids. I wanted then like 18 months apart or 2 years at the latest!! I was in such a funk for a long time. I truly was begining to think it was never going to happen. DH and I were about to talk to our financial planner about cycling at Cornell and I was looking at adoption websites. I know it is easy for me to say now but you will get out of your funk. There is nothing any of us can say that will make this better for you but just know we have been there. Like I said in my post to GreenEyedGirl. IF has changed who I am as a person and I pray that one day it will have made me a stronger person vs. the bitter, jealous person that I frequently see in the mirror. My heart is breaking for you now : (

SparklyCutie · December 2011

It is heartbreaking, every step of this IF journey is hard. I am thinking of you. I just take it day by day that is all you can do. You have to be strong for your family and think of the many blessings that you have. I have had a hard time conceiving #2 as well, and I have to tell myself everyday, I know I will be a Mom again, just not sure when...but I will be a Mommy again.

Take care of yourself, you deserve a little pampering. And give extra hugs to your precious girls.

stepgirl21 · December 2011

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You are so right. IVF is way hard. You have every right to feel the way to you. I'm not sure I could even crawl out of my bed at all. (hugs)

kme930 · December 2011

(((hugs))) I am so sorry. IF and the process of dealing with IVF totally blows. You have every right to be upset. I just wish I was there to give you a big hug in person!

oct11bride03 · December 2011

Oh honey. I am so, so sorry. I'm sending you tons and tons of hugs.

ladychicago · December 2011

(((HUGE HUGS)))

Temp893722312503334 · December 2011

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sucks. There really are no words that will make it better, take the time to grieve. In time, things will hurt a little less and you will be able to think about whats next.

gringa78 · December 2011

Ugh, I don't think I've ever been sadder than when my fresh cycle failed. I thought I was going to have to be committed. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know when I had the c/p back in April, DD saved me from staying in bed all day...thank goodness I had her to hug. Have fun being Santa this weekend and don't ever give up hope!

theworms · December 2011

it just sucks so f'ing bad.

you just have to let yourself grieve and when you're ready you get back up and try again. i've had 4 losses (m/c fraternal twins at diff times and 2 singletons) and honestly each one takes such a toll on my body, my ability to cope and my faith that this will work. i do believe that one day it will work but every cycle gets harder. but, for me, the alternative to cycling is even harder.

i'm glad you're doing RPL testing, it def can't hurt.

((HUGS))

laura1 · December 2011

I am so sorry. I hope you can enjoy some of Christmas with your 2 beautiful DDs this weekend, and you have great success with your next cycle.

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