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3rd Trimester
Rant
My SO has a daughter (4yrs old) from a previous relationship and he has joint custody so we have her four days a week. I LOVE her don't get me wrong but in all honesty she is a terror.
She is SO whiny, you wouldn't believe the way she acts sometimes and she "cries" over absolutely nothing. Her attidude towards adults is so incredibly rude and sassy and practically EVERY night we have her she throws a temper tantrum at dinner and has to be corrected. If we take her out to eat there is always at LEAST three or four times SO threatens to take her to the car and if we are at home she gets told multiple times to stop acting up and gets sent to her room at least 3 out of the 4 nights we have her during dinner. If she doesn't get to watch this "wow wow wubzie" show at 9pm she literally throws a HUGE fit, She has this ADORABLE "princess" themed room that SO worked so hard on for her with a ton of toys YET she refuses to sleep in her bed unless SO sleeps in bed with her which I find COMPLETELY inappropriate and if she falls asleep and he comes up to our bed she will get out of bed and come upstairs and stand by the edge of the bed and literally cry until he goes back down with her...its insane in my opinion BUT what really bothers me is that he thinks this is all "normal" 4 year old behavior.
At her mothers house she sleeps in her own room in her bed all night without her mom and SO admits that when she is with her mom she doesn't get away with nearly as much. Not to mention SO and birth mom just had a parent/teacher conference last week at her preschool and even the teacher commented on what a bad attidude and sassy mouth she has, what worries me is that this type of behavior is going to rub off on DS1 and this baby. I am more of a strict parent and I realize that in a blended family parenting styles wont always mix BUT I just think its insane that a 4 year old stays up until almost 10pm, and can completely dominate the life of a 32 year old adult four nights a week.
I know I dont have a kid that age yet and people always say not to judge until youve been there BUT compared to all my friends who have children this age her behavior is just so out of control. Am I wrong in wanting him to take a firmer stance with her or should I butt out since she isnt my child?
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Re: Rant
So neither of you have any follow through? Hate to tell you this but you and your SO are a TEAM. Work like one. Present a united front in the presence of your little girl. You're referencing not having a child at that age yet. Um, yeah, you do. Quit laying all the responsibility on your SO. You're a mother too whether that little girl came out of your womb or not is of little importance now. She is watching you to learn how to behave.
You're separating your 'parenting' from your SO's child to specifically your unborn child. When people tell you that you have no clue until you have a child of your own...they are right. If she behaves in a manner you find unacceptable then make that known to her. You are the adult, she is not.
If SO needs to know you're supporting him in parenting as a team, he may surprise you and step up more. Set boundaries and rules. But be prepared to follow through with consequences. I'm not seeing much follow through and I could be wrong. That little gir knows how to pull your punk cards. Set her straight.
Maybe you can both sit down together and establish rules and ways you handle situations with all of your kids. Then you both are on the same page and you can both discipline your SD. If she's in your house 4 days a week, then you deserve to establish rules with her and enforce them too. I don't have a kid that age, but I heard the 3s and 4s are a little crazy. DH and I talk together and agree on how we handle situations with our DS and he's not even at a "hard" age yet. We just want to be on the same page so he knows we mean business, we're a team, and he's the kid who has to listen to us.
I am a product of a divorced family. I know what I needed as a child, and can make a few assumptions as to what this little girl needs.
Find out from the other mother how she handles tantrums and issues. Follow the example.
Follow through, as a PP said. She needs time outs, she needs consistancy and she needs to learn that she cannot rule the roost. When she acts up in public, respond immidiately with either removal from the situation. (and not in a way she wants) or with a public time out. (a blank wall at a store works for me, we did it maybe 2-3 times before DD got it.) There MUST be consistant concequinces for her bad behavior.
You are her mom too now, unless this SO is not going to become a DH... And if he doesnt want you helping to influence her behavior, he shouldnt become your DH anyway.
**pardon some spelling errors, baby brain today**
I agree with this post. Part of the problem is she has no consistency. At mommy's house things are one way,and at daddy's they're another. Separation is really hard for little kids, and in those situations it becomes more important than ever to be consistent. It's even harder since she's back and forth so much at both parents' houses. It sounds about normal for a kid her age dealing with separation. Even if they separated a couple years ago, it's still hard for them to comprehend, and they tend to lash out fairly often. I'd say try to be patient, and definitely speak to birth mother to find out what works and what doesn't. Then talk to SO, and explain exactly how you're feeling, and what his ex does that seems to work. Any discipline will be completely ineffective if both parents in the household are not on the same page. She may want to sleep with him because she feels like if he's not right there he's going to disappear. I'm not sure about what happened when they split, but she may feel scared that he's going to abandon her or something. Kids are strange like that. Maybe make sure there is time every day for the two of them or three of you to do something with her that she picks out. Just some ideas.
I agree. All the parents should sit down and talk discipline. I am a pre-school teacher and she sounds like several kids I have in my class. However, it is not acceptable behavior.
Dad does seem to be a bit of a pushover and if you feel like he is undermining you then you definitely need to speak up about it. Children need consistency and routine. If you guys do things the way her other mom does things and keep it consistent she is less likely to act up. Dad needs to start following through on his threats to take her out to the car. And also not sleep in her bed. It will be hard at first, but when she sees that you guys are not going to give she will learn.
I know kids that will push the limits to the verrrrrrry max. I am talking HOURS of whining, because eventually they know mom/dad will get sick of it and give in. The trick is to NOT give in, even hours later. They eventually get the hint.
So sorry you're going through this; it's definitely tough.
From my own split household childhood (I was a problem child, but never that bad), I know that consistency is one of the best things for a child; the different rule-sets in each household can really screw with a kid.
As for you and SO working together on being firmer, maybe you can push him more on the issue by saying that he needs to get ready to be a good parent to your new LO and that means being a better parent with his daughter? Or maybe, if he's having guilt, you could offer (if you're willing) to take over the parenting reigns for a while? That is, he's not allowed to step in at all unless he's backing you up (no coming in and saving the day). Once he sees it working, he may be more willing to go along.
Another thing to remember is that, when introducing new discipline, it will get worse before it gets better. Don't give up
I agree w/this 1000%!!!!
Think about what you said in your post, "... she sleeps in her own bed at home...". Remember that people, including small children, will treat you how YOU allow them to treat you. Simply put, she acts up b/c you guys let her, you don't put your foot down and even at her young age, she knows that your threats of punishment don't mean anything b/c you guys don't follow through. You and SO really need to sit down and have a plan of action in place whenever she acts up and BOTH of you need to follow through on the consequences, each and every single time, even at your own inconvieniece. Know that in the begining, it will get worse before it gets better, but believe me, it will get better. It's important to nip this in the bud now while she's only 4 then try and change it when she's older. Trust me, you don't want to be dealing w/an unruly and rude child while having another baby in the house. Kids need rules and they thrive best when they know their limits, but it falls on the adults who care for them to provide the rules and consequences for them. Hope this helps and keep us updated.
I do appreciate everyones advice and I realize that this is not a problem that is going to magically change overnight. I think my frustration is mostly with the lack of follow through that he has with her. If I tell her to do something (like pick up her toys off the floor) she runs to him and cries her little crocodile tears and the next thing I know she is sitting on the couch watching tv while he is in her room straightening up...You can see how this would frustrate me. Especially when he has to be the one to discipline her I am ALWAYS supportive of his decisions and she knows that if he tells her NO about something that she isnt going to get a different answer from me if she asks but I dont feel like I have that same "back-up"..kwim?
And I COMPLETELY agree with the PP that said she has "no consistency" I have made this arguement NUMEROUS times with him about how there can't be different rules at his house and moms house. I have told him that children need a routine and schedule to function at their best but like one of the other PP said I think he is trying to be the "cool parent" and doesn't want to enforce certain rules that her mother would otherwise enforce.
I will continue to address with him the issues I have with his lack of firmness and in the meantime I will try to take a more proactive approach with her. Thanks ladies.