To tell or not to tell...

GingerWife · December 2011

As baby day rapidly approaches, it is time to decide if we are going to give a heads up to the ILs that we aren't inviting anyone to the hospital until we are moved to postpartum and even then, no one but us will be "living" at the hospital.
Both of our sets of parents live in town.

I'm pretty sure this is going to cause a huge blow up which is why DH has just ignored it and pretended like it will go away.

Here are the options:

1. Tell them that we will let everyone know when we are moved to postpartum and can accept visitors now.

2. Tell them the above when we call to let them know that we are headed to the hospital.

3. Don't call them to tell them baby is on the way....just call afterwards. Ha. (This was DH's idea. He was joking...kind of).

Opinions?

Jessiree · December 2011

We are in the same situation and went with option 3 and have told everyone that's the plan already. I don't know how your ILs are, but mine wouldn't wait for the 'all clear' call if they knew we were at the hospital and would just come up and wait (and call/tell everyone they know I'm in labor) so although my parents are very respectful and understand our wishes we are treating everyone the same going with the "we'll call you when baby is here, there will be no calls before that, and once you get the call, you can come up."

Dawn7233 · December 2011

I would at least give them the heads up that that's what you're planning on doing. Your family should be understanding enough to respect your wishes and wait until you are ready to accept visitors.

KitKat83 · December 2011

I think I'd go with option 3, personally! My parents will know when we go into the hospital because we'll be dropping our furbaby off at their house on the way out.

I find it odd (I'm beginning to think that I'm the odd one here) that people would actually consider visiting before you get settled in postpartum.

Do you know your hospital visiting hours? At ours, I think there is only a 3 hour visiting window each day (I think its from 4pm-7pm) for anyone other than immediate family (you, your husband and other children). If you want to see visitors at any other time you have to meet them in a common room not in the maternity ward.

mandarod · December 2011

#3. If you don't want them at the hospital while you're in labor, don't tell them when you're in labor. Easy as that!

Kristine Schilling · December 2011

Fortunatly, the family, IL's and my parents, understand and accept our want for privacy during L&D. They want a phone call when it is definatly time, but are aware that they may NOT visit until PP in the recovery rooms.

You cannot ignore the situation, because then you have parents all offended that they didnt get the call. And that just makes for drama.This really is something your DH should be handling, as they are his parents however, if you must do it....

Have a girl to girl talk with the Mom in law, explain that you are nervous and want it to be as few people as possible. That if its just you and DH you will feel safer. And you are not comfortable having an audiance while you are buck naked with your legs spread.

"Its not you, its me." Is they best way to go. A friend of mine has very intense IL's and thats how she got them to leave her and the DH alone for L&D.

SmittyPants · December 2011

Yeah, if you're afraid they won't respect your wishes to be left alone until you and LO are all settled, then I wouldn't call them until that time. If they get pissy about it, they'll soon get over it when they hold your LO. Not your problem.

AnnieTater · December 2011

My parents live over 4 hours away, so I am less worried about them. We talked with my in-laws last week and it was more uncomfortable than I thought it would be. Basically, we said we would call on our way to to hospital, but they should wait until we call. I said they can see us about an hour after birth.

I need to be topless for about an hour - preferably not in front of my father-in-law.

GingerWife · December 2011

Hahaha. I love you girls. You can tell we are all at getting the end, uncomfortable, and in the "don't mess with me" phase. I'm pretty sure 6 months or even 3 months ago I have gotten flamed for not being "inclusive" enough.

SoonToBeMsP · December 2011

If you truly don't believe they will respect your wishes, then #3. This is your labor and birth and it should go the way you want it to without added stress from people being selfish and stupid.

I would TRY for #1 so they have time to process your request. They are adults, and I'd hope they could respect your decision, but again- see above if you think they won't.

GeekMom · December 2011

We're telling ILs and my mom (since she's the farthest away) that we're headed to hospital, that way if we need them to feed the cats they can.

My family on the other hand will not be contacted until after Ellie comes. Otherwise they'll be underfoot they whole time and get on my nerves.

I guess it depends on how well you know your family and what they'll do!

kms34 · December 2011

GingerWife:

3. Don't call them to tell them baby is on the way....just call afterwards. Ha. (This was DH's idea. He was joking...kind of).

This is what we did inadvertantly with DS1. I went into labor late at night and we got to the hospital at 1am. I was ready to push about 6am and it all happened so fast that we didn't call anyone. He was born at 8:57 and we called as soon as we could afterwards.

Our families don't live in town so it's not the same. No one would have just shown up at the hospital. Honestly, I'd tell them now that you will call them when you get to your PP room. If you call them when you go to the hospital and then tell them you'll call them back you run the risk of them coming to the hospital "just in case." What if you labor for a really long time? It could get annoying.

erineileen317 · December 2011

I think I'd tell them ahead of time that you don't want visitors until you're in postpartum, so they don't feel like the carpet was pulled out from under them. However, if they do not take this well and you think they won't listen, then don't tell them until you're done and cleaned up. If they can't respect your feelings, then you shouldn't respect theirs. Give them the chance to "be good" and if they act like they won't, then neither will you.

PS I'm so glad both of our parents are 6+ hours away. Good luck to you!

mandarod · December 2011

GingerWife:

Hahaha. I love you girls. You can tell we are all at getting the end, uncomfortable, and in the "don't mess with me" phase. I'm pretty sure 6 months or even 3 months ago I have gotten flamed for not being "inclusive" enough.

I wouldn't have flamed you! My parents, my sister and my MIL all wanted to be at the hospital when I was induced with dd. I was fine with it, but after I started having painful contractions, I kicked them all out to the waiting room for the rest of the day (for about 6 hours!) and didn't have a second thought about it! This time is about you, your DH and your LO - no one else.

sweetky_06 · December 2011

erineileen317:
I think I'd tell them ahead of time that you don't want visitors until you're in postpartum, so they don't feel like the carpet was pulled out from under them. However, if they do not take this well and you think they won't listen, then don't tell them until you're done and cleaned up. If they can't respect your feelings, then you shouldn't respect theirs. Give them the chance to "be good" and if they act like they won't, then neither will you.

PS I'm so glad both of our parents are 6+ hours away. Good luck to you!

All of this exactly. Also - enlist the nurses when you arrive and let them know your wishes - they can be the bad guys!

NiniJ55 · December 2011

You can call when you are at the hospital - and just tell then you will keep them posted once baby arrives. If they make any mention of being "on the way" just let them know that you would prefer they just wait until you are in postpartum for visitors.

Do they know what hospital you are going to?

SoonToBeMsP · December 2011

sweetky_06:

All of this exactly. Also - enlist the nurses when you arrive and let them know your wishes - they can be the bad guys!

The nurse at our childbirth classes told us to use her as the bodyguard! She told us to come up with a code word that would mean "get everyone out of here now!!!". I love that idea.

Kristine Schilling · December 2011

I really really like the idea of letting the nurse be the bad guy here....

I would still tell the parents your wishes, tell them they may not join you in L&D. but warn the nurses to keep people out.

GingerWife · December 2011

They told us during the hospital tour that the nurses will be our advocate if we need to be and once we are in pp will tell people that we are not "allowed" anymore visitors when we need a break.

If only I could bring them home with me

lp0 · December 2011

We are actually going with option 3 as well. It's mostly because of my mother in law because she has no sense of boundaries and is extremely invasive. She would not wait until we gave the ok for visitors and since she and dh do not have a good relationship I don't want him to be focused on anything else other than us and the baby.

PsyDr04 · December 2011

DH and I don't have this problem because my family lives out of state and his family lives 3 hours away, however, I have a friend (who tends to want to be enmeshed in my life) who sent me an email yesterday saying "I better get a call when you're on your way to the hospital". I emailed her back and tactfully told her that wasn't going to happen (in a nice way).

Here is my two cents: When you start going into labor, I really doubt that the first thing you will think to do is make calls to people to let them know what is going on. You're probably going to be a teensy bit distracted at that point (this is my theory on how I will be feeling). Hopefully, baby's birth will go smoothly and there won't be any complications, but let's face it - we're gonna be tired as hell after giving birth (physically and/or mentally) and to me, the prospect of having people come to the hospital to see the baby after I've gone through all of that does not appeal to me. I want that time to rest, bond with baby, share the special moment with DH, figure out how the heck to breastfeed, etc. I do not want to have to entertain people in any way, shape, or form and, on a purely selfish level, I don't want to share my baby right away. LOL.

I told my friend (and will be communicating with others as well) that DH and I want at least a week at home with baby to establish a routine and bond before we have visitors (with the exception of family). I know people will be excited to see the baby, but I think it's important for people to respect your wishes. This is a big deal and a very special time and none of us can know at this point how we will feel physically or emotionally after the birth of our LOs or what our specific needs and wants will be.

So, I said all of that to say that I would go with option #3, but you and DH have to do what you feel is best for you and not feel guilty for the choice that you make. Smile

namara5532 · December 2011

It depends on what kind of people they are. If they are the type who would listen to you when you say you don't want anyone at the hospital until you are in postpartum, then go ahead and tell them when you are admitted to the hospital. If they admit they would be overexcited and come wait in the hospital anyway, wait to call until you are ready to have visitors.

I suggest talking to everyone before the birth though so everyone is clear on your policy. My personal policy is I decided I didn't want anyone waiting in the hospital while I was in labor. My parents have respected this and promised they would wait instead at a nearby hotel, but FIL has voiced he would disregard our wishes and come to the waiting room anyway. Therefore he will not be called until the baby is born while my parents will get to know when I'm admitted to the hospital.

Also, utilize your hospital. You can set the mandate that you don't want visitors at first, and the hospital can help enforce that if you think your family would be overanxious to see you right away.

twocents6708 · December 2011

I think it is better to let them know the plan now. Then you can just wait to call them after baby arrives. You are either going to have a blow up now or after you have the baby at the hospital. I would hate to spoil that time between you, DH, baby and family so I suggest getting it over with now, IMO.

stpaulcitygirl · December 2011

We're in the same boat: large number of relatives are in-town on both sides, and family has already been asking us if they can be there during the birth in the waiting room so they can see baby ASAP after the birth. We have made it clear for about a month now that we will call people to inform them of the birth when we are ready, at LEAST a few hours after baby is born. I don't feel bad about this decision. The immediate time after the baby comes are precious for my husband and I to share with eachother- meeting our new baby and spending time as a new family- we won't get this back. And with everything that happens in the hour or two right after birth (getting cleaned up, getting checked out, getting baby to start feeding, skin-to-skin time, etc), there will be enough havoc to not have to worry about to have visitors coming in too and getting excited over new baby: when I picture it, having visitors on top of everything else seems like a lot of added stress to me and baby as we're trying to learn how to nurse, calm down after birth, etc. I'm not going to make relatives wait 24 hours+ to meet the baby: but we have insisted to expect us to get a few hours rest, cleaned, & settled before expecting us to start notifying everybody & welcoming visitors. While one-or-two people have not been happy about our choice, but the majority of our family seems to completely understand & respect our decision.

mrs.larry · December 2011

I would go with option 3. they can't be mad at you when you have that sweet little boy there that they want to hold. Big Smile what's done is done at that point.

I can't imagined begrudging someone their privacy during the birth of their child. but that's my family and we're all kind of on the same page... so I don't know how your family dynamics work.

remember that you can always use the nurses to keep people away if need be.

Kristi_M1123 · December 2011

We are going with option 3. My in-laws don't do boundaries very well... think "Everybody Loves Raymond." (thank God we aren't neighbors!)

Anyway... the only person I have no doubt would not come until we gave the all-clear is my Dad. He's a day sleeper and a pretty private person (like me) and he just understands.

My FIL seems to think we are going to call when we head to the hospital, though I have told him otherwise. My MIL is a follower and will do everything FIL does. My Mom wants to know if I have to have additional tests that extend a regular dr appt. So I know she wants to know when I go to L&D.

What we're not telling them is that dr is inducing me at 37 weeks (GD and high BP) so that we (mainly me) don't get the hovering that is inevitable in the last few weeks. We are also not mentioning that Dr already has me off work. Some of them would think that means I am available when Dr has told me to "take it easy" in an effort to avoid bedrest.

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