Am I wrong for this??

sparkals86 · December 2011

I want to hear your thoughts on this one. I have been married 3 and a half years and I do love my husband dearly..but my God...he has gotten on my last nerve. I have always been in kinda ok/good shape ( I walk an hour every day 7 days a week with my mom) but I don't do extreme workout dvd's or anything) Well my husband is a bonafid health-nut. He is obsessed with working out and everything to do with excercise (annoying as hell for the plain jane average me) and well Ok. That's fine but my husband is already thin (5'9" and weighs 180) well he is doing this "insanity" workout dvd with his friends and is trying to loose down to 165 lbs (gross thin in my opinion for a man of his build) I have always battled with body image and when we dated a few years ago before we got married I was always 110 lbs at 5'7". I always thought I was fat and for about 5 years of my life I was borderline anorexic/bulemic. Well I'm over that now-I'm a normal weight but with pregnancy I have put on soooo much weight! Pre-pregnancy I weighed in at a healthy 145-150 (which for 5'7" isn't bad) and now i've gained near 30 lbs... I don't know what to do and I'm trying to eat healthier and continue with walking (which I have no energy for but I force myself to do b/c I know I need to) But I am soo frustrated with him wanting to be little skinny boy while I'm becoming what feels like to me as obese. I care about the health of our baby in my tummy and when I get hungry I eat-I don't want to punish him for me feeling fat-I just don't know how to make DH see that he's making me sad with what he's doing (of all times why does he try to get skinnier now when I keep steadily getting bigger and bigger) He says it's my health and this is what I want. I'm not even turned on by him anymore-He is too thin. (never been into skinny men) He use to weigh around 230 when we were dating (a good size) and now he's just bones and muscle and way skinnier than I am. I just feel like he's creating this complex or adding onto the complex I already have....Everytime I'm around him I get more mad...Am I completely hormonal and unrealistic or do you guys kinda understand what I'm going through? Why can't he be a normal husband and just gain with me or at least stay the same and not go through this extreme bootcamp and self obsession like he's been doing for years now...I hope he's even interested in our son when he comes- =( Sorry vent over..

orleyl · December 2011

I can understand how you feel. My dh is naturally very thin, 6' and 160lbs and I have always struggled with my weight. He has no idea what it is like to struggle to lose weight when he struggles to gain weight. My dh knows better than to say anything about my weight but I am super sensitive and even if he asks if I am hungry when I am eating, I become defensive. I think you should tell him how you feel in a nice way. Tell him to lay off you, especially when you are pg.

betsykerry1 · December 2011

you know what? you should talk to him about how you feel. I started this pregnancy heavy and I have been very diligent about my eating and daily walks and drinking water. I've gained 3 pounds (no, there's no missing "0") and have TOTALLY changed shape. I know I was big to start with, but I think that all pregnant women struggle with body image during pregnancy. maybe it's hormones, maybe not, but I think any time a woman's body changes so fast, it's difficult to deal with. I'm very lucky, my partner is fabulous at reminding me that the changes in my body are because i'm growing our daughter and that i'm beautiful no matter what. just talk to him -- remind him of where you're coming from with your struggles with your weight and body image and ask him for some support. it's his job and obligation as your spouse to support you. sorry you're having a tough time, good luck!

audie2goose · December 2011

I just wanted to say I'm sorry... that seems like a really frustrating situation. I feel for you. I hope you can talk to your dh and get a little empathy/understanding from him. Lol, I'd also let him know that almost every female I know would rather her husband be LARGER than she is. or at least not skinny tiny man.

theseaword · December 2011

I'm sorry, but I'm not with you at all. His weight loss has absolutely nothing to do with your gain. It would be one thing if he was harping on you for your gain, but you haven't said that. You said you have issues with your weight, and it sounds like you're taking it out on him. There's nothing wrong with him being on a health kick. Also, you're not attracted to him now? Ouch. Hope you haven't told him that. How would you feel if he said he wasn't attracted to you now that you've gained?

You sound insecure and jealous. Maybe you need counseling. Your idea of weight also seems off to me. 185 is too thin for a 5'9 man? My husband is 185 and 6 ft, and according to his dr that's an ideal healthy weight. Work through your issues before you hurt your relationship.

kaybee10 · December 2011

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have the opposite problem, a dh who is kind of letting himself go and gaining with me lol which isn't too bad but I wish he would be healthier in the long run. It's a work in progress. When he does get on his "health kicks" they are crazy and only last for short periods, so I'm trying to just teach him to be healthier as a whole in moderation and he is a lot better than he used to be. I think what you are trying to say is that it is a small unhealthy obsession with becoming too fit or skinny, by him trying to get down to 165, which does seem too low to me. But it's also very hard for you and plenty of us pregnant women to see our weight pile up, so you may just need to talk to him. You need to get on the same page or this could become an issue for a long time. I agree that it is unhealthy to be so obsessed with something that he may neglect your child and I hope that doesn't happen.

speckledfrog · December 2011

TwilightMV:
I'm sorry, but I'm not with you at all. His weight loss has absolutely nothing to do with your gain. It would be one thing if he was harping on you for your gain, but you haven't said that. You said you have issues with your weight, and it sounds like you're taking it out on him. There's nothing wrong with him being on a health kick. Also, you're not attracted to him now? Ouch. Hope you haven't told him that. How would you feel if he said he wasn't attracted to you now that you've gained?
You sound insecure and jealous. Maybe you need counseling. Your idea of weight also seems off to me. 185 is too thin for a 5'9 man? My husband is 185 and 6 ft, and according to his dr that's an ideal healthy weight. Work through your issues before you hurt your relationship.

I agree with Twilight. You want YH to stop working out becuase it's making you feel bad about your own weight gain. Tough cookies. You're pregnant, you're going to gain weight. Only you know if you are gaining weight because you are "eating for two" or if that's just how your body is handling this pregnancy.

I also agree with Twilight that you have unrealistic views on weight. 180 at 5'9" for a man isn't gross. Neither is 165. You said yourself you are upset because he is skinnier than you are, but that doesn't mean he is too skinny. I agree that some sort of therapy for you wouldn't hurt, especially since this is now affecting your relationship. GL.

Natalie&Mark · December 2011

speckledfrog:
TwilightMV:
I'm sorry, but I'm not with you at all. His weight loss has absolutely nothing to do with your gain. It would be one thing if he was harping on you for your gain, but you haven't said that. You said you have issues with your weight, and it sounds like you're taking it out on him. There's nothing wrong with him being on a health kick. Also, you're not attracted to him now? Ouch. Hope you haven't told him that. How would you feel if he said he wasn't attracted to you now that you've gained?
You sound insecure and jealous. Maybe you need counseling. Your idea of weight also seems off to me. 185 is too thin for a 5'9 man? My husband is 185 and 6 ft, and according to his dr that's an ideal healthy weight. Work through your issues before you hurt your relationship.
I agree with Twilight. You want YH to stop working out becuase it's making you feel bad about your own weight gain. Tough cookies. You're pregnant, you're going to gain weight. Only you know if you are gaining weight because you are "eating for two" or if that's just how your body is handling this pregnancy.
I also agree with Twilight that you have unrealistic views on weight. 180 at 5'9" for a man isn't gross. Neither is 165. You said yourself you are upset because he is skinnier than you are, but that doesn't mean he is too skinny. I agree that some sort of therapy for you wouldn't hurt, especially since this is now affecting your relationship. GL.

With these ladies. What I'd like to try to say nicely is that marriage is about supporting each other's endeavors, and it sounds like fitness is a core value of your husband's. Be careful not to trivialize that.

My husband is training for his first marathon in January. When he gets fit, his arms get all veiny and nasty, and I joke with him about it, but he knows that deep down...and well...even on the surface...I'm SUPER proud of him. I think that kind of distance running is superhuman. He invites me to the gym, and most days I pass because I hate working out, but I don't compare what our bodies are doing. I think your history of body image issues are still at play here, not marital issues. That should be good news, because you have more control over your perception than you do over conforming your hubs.

He jokes that my weight (totally on track pace, according to OB) will pass his before too long. I'm hovering around 150 now (135/140 pre-pregnancy), and I think he's only about 165. He's not broad, but he's no delicate flower at 165, either. Wink

PregNerd · December 2011

Natalie&Mark:
speckledfrog:
TwilightMV:
I'm sorry, but I'm not with you at all. His weight loss has absolutely nothing to do with your gain. It would be one thing if he was harping on you for your gain, but you haven't said that. You said you have issues with your weight, and it sounds like you're taking it out on him. There's nothing wrong with him being on a health kick. Also, you're not attracted to him now? Ouch. Hope you haven't told him that. How would you feel if he said he wasn't attracted to you now that you've gained?
You sound insecure and jealous. Maybe you need counseling. Your idea of weight also seems off to me. 185 is too thin for a 5'9 man? My husband is 185 and 6 ft, and according to his dr that's an ideal healthy weight. Work through your issues before you hurt your relationship.
I agree with Twilight. You want YH to stop working out becuase it's making you feel bad about your own weight gain. Tough cookies. You're pregnant, you're going to gain weight. Only you know if you are gaining weight because you are "eating for two" or if that's just how your body is handling this pregnancy.
I also agree with Twilight that you have unrealistic views on weight. 180 at 5'9" for a man isn't gross. Neither is 165. You said yourself you are upset because he is skinnier than you are, but that doesn't mean he is too skinny. I agree that some sort of therapy for you wouldn't hurt, especially since this is now affecting your relationship. GL.
With these ladies. What I'd like to try to say nicely is that marriage is about supporting each other's endeavors, and it sounds like fitness is a core value of your husband's. Be careful not to trivialize that.
My husband is training for his first marathon in January. When he gets fit, his arms get all veiny and nasty, and I joke with him about it, but he knows that deep down...and well...even on the surface...I'm SUPER proud of him. I think that kind of distance running is superhuman. He invites me to the gym, and most days I pass because I hate working out, but I don't compare what our bodies are doing. I think your history of body image issues are still at play here, not marital issues. That should be good news, because you have more control over your perception than you do over conforming your hubs.
He jokes that my weight (totally on track pace, according to OB) will pass his before too long. I'm hovering around 150 now (135/140 pre-pregnancy), and I think he's only about 165. He's not broad, but he's no delicate flower at 165, either.

I understand body issues - I have really struggled with my change in shape since getting PG. DH also struggles with his body. But, the really good thing is that he is using this LO as an excuse to get his butt in the gym on a regular basis - he's lost 3% of his body fat in 2 months alone. He wants to get healthy so he can be a good role model for our child, and not have health issues that may impact his life span.

We joked that he was going to lose 1-2lbs for every lbs I gain - just to even things out. I couldn't be prouder of him. Obesity is no joke and I think it is super important to have good, fit, healthy role models out there. Have you considered asking YH why he is making the change now? Maybe he is doing it now while he has the time so he can go into maintenance mode when LO gets here and have more time for you and the baby.

The last thing I want to say on this, and again, please understand that I have had some major body issues myself - marriage is about more than what someone looks like. You should be attracted to who they are as a person, not just what they look like (although admittedly that doesn't hurt). I have been over weight, and underweight. And DH always tells me that I am beautiful and loves my body. Having that support means I can focus on being healthy, not just on my dress size. I sincerely hope that you are able to open up the lines of communication (both within yourself and with each other) and are able to work through this.

roxycarin · December 2011

My brother is like that I thought he had a problem but I believe its just different how men and women handle their problems. Men internalize their feelings so working out is a form a therapy. My brother is the alpha male type and he needs to work out to be calm. My DH on the otherhand eats all of my pregnancy food. Some food I really crave and he thinks its funny if he finishes it! I am so happy about being pregnant that I let it go....unconditional love:)

ipookie8 · December 2011

Talk to him. Yesterday.

There is no "right" or "wrong" in this situation. How you feel is how you feel. Even if it doesn't change his actions, maybe having him acknowledge your feelings and explain that his weight loss kick has nothing to do with your weight gain will give you some peace of mind. I put myself in your shoes, and I felt insecure and wondered whether he was internalizing his wish for you to not be gaining by losing weight himself.

It is normal to feel how you feel, but it's also something that you need to vocalize and figure out with your H and not just form resentment.

Maybe he is doing this so he's super healthy for baby and can set a good example and lead an active life with his future child. He may even be trying to set the example for you, that with some work, after baby is born you can too go back to a weight you are comfortable with and feel healthy about.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. It's key

samanthadaniel · December 2011

I don't know a single woman who doesn't have some sort of body insecurity. It's normal, and it's more about not letting it control your life which it seems you have been able to do in moving away from the anorexic/bulemic tendencies you expressed. Congratulations to you on that, it's a very hard journey, I have many friends who have been there. Pregnancy is going to make you gain weight you don't want in places you really don't want (my a$$ is expanding and I hate it) and even more kudos for not returning to your bad behavior during this weight gain. However, you cannot control what your significant other (or anyone else in your family/circle of friends) does with their eating or exercise habits simply because you're feeling insecure about your weight gain.

That being said, the same attention generally isn't given to men with eating disorders. While I agree with some of what other persons have said that you should support your husband in what he enjoys (cookin, car repair, working out) whatever that may be, I would also be cautious to watch for behavior that could be indicative of an eating disorder which is not addressed in the male population as much as it should be. 'Manorexia' is very real and yet it is not hardly talked about and has the same devastating effects on men as it does women. I would suggest maybe finding out why your husband has adopted this endeavor without confrontation. Maybe there's a marathon he'd like to do but wants to see if he can get in shape enough for it.

Best wishes.

sparkals86 · December 2011

Thankyou all so much for your thoughts and suggestions. I'm trying not to be so hard on him. I'm focusing on what I eat and what I feed the baby...That's all I can do. I can't control him--I just feel very insecure being around him if I'm not wearing much clothing he gives me these gross looks (not sure if they are intentional or not) but I know he is turned off by my baby weight gain and has made jokes about me being "large and chubby" and "maybe it's because I've gained so much weight" is his remark for if I say my back hurts or my calfs are cramping up. Such a kind way to talk to a pregnant woman...I'm just not letting it bother me. I am just trying to work things out in my head for me. I'm cooking healthier b/c It's making me want to eat healthier for me and the baby and fix something he'll actually end up eating..He admits himself he does have body obsession image issues (manorexia) he weighs about 4 times a day.

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