I feel like a bad friend.

8daysaweek · December 2011

I have a ton of friends who are pregnant. A ton. I feel like I'm surrounded by pregnant people.

I feel like a sh-tty person but I just can't talk to them. I can't talk to anyone really these days. Or at least I don't want to. I'm sad and angry and not much fun to be around. I just want to get through the work day and go home and be with H and DD.

Last night one of my pregnant friends (who was just a couple week behind me) woke up bleeding and had to go to the ER. She's okay - it was a subchronic hematoma. She's on bedrest for a couple days but the baby looks fine and she goes for a follow-up with her OB Friday.

I know she's scared and we're really close so I'm trying to be there for her but it's kind of killing me. I'm happy that she and her baby are okay, I really, really am. But I feel so empty inside right now. It takes so much out of me to ask about how my friends pregnancies are going and talk about it with them but I feel like if they talk to me about my loss, I need to talk to them about their pregnancies because that's what friends do. I know it's sh-tty of me but as much as I want everything to work out well for her, it pains me to be reassuring her and cheering everyone else on right now.

Ever since I had my m/c, I feel like I've been trying so hard to be considerate of other people. I try not to talk to them about it because I worry it will make them scared for their own pregnancies. When a friend announces a PG, I say supportive things and congratulate them. I feel like I'm taking so much out of myself to try to be courteous to everyone else.

How are you handling pregnancies around you? Any tips? Would I be a total b-tch to just say "I'm sorry and I wish I were stronger or something but this is had for me and I can't do it right now."

panacea05 · December 2011

You're not a bad friend. You're still grieving. If being around your pregnant friends is like a dagger in your heart, you don't have to be around them, plain and simple. True friends will understand, I promise. With time, it will be easier to be around pregnant friends (I'm not at this point yet, either), but for now, my advice is to just not put yourself through it. {hugs}

ecmleo · December 2011

I felt like I could have writen that post! I feel the same way. I have 2 neighbors who gave birth (a day appart from each other) the week after our loss. Another neighbor, as well as my cousin's wife are due 3 days before I would have been due. I also have a ton of friends who are pregnant or just gave birth. I feel terrible but I have been avoiding everyone. DH has been wonderful and has been sending out our congratulations, but I just can not bring myself to do it. I think that good friends understand. And in time, I know that I will be able to be the kind of friend that I know I really am. But, for now, I am forgiving myself, and alowing myself time to grieve.

eringobragh07 · December 2011

I feel the same way, but I also feel like all my pregnant friends are avoiding me. I don't know if its the fear that they don't know what to say or just that there presence will rub me in the wrong way. I am left feeling very alone right now. Well except for you girls on this forum.

newly_naugler · December 2011

I feel the same way. It's hard to be supportive when I'm hurt and jealous that I'm not pregnant anymore. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I'm avoiding them - it's just too painful. I don't think that's a bad thing to say, like pp said, a true friend will understand.

katharine25 · December 2011

8daysaweek:
How are you handling pregnancies around you? Any tips? Would I be a total b-tch to just say "I'm sorry and I wish I were stronger or something but this is hard for me and I can't do it right now."

One of my BF's and I were a week apart - When I told her about my loss, i pretty much said this exactly. We seem to have come to an unspoken understanding, she doesn't mention her pg, and i don't mention my loss. It kind of suck and feels superficial, but at the same time we are able to maintain a friendship connection so that when we can talk about it, we are there for one another. She knows I am truly honestly happy for her, but my excitement is clouded over by my loss/jealousy - and I just can't force a smile over it. I lean on other non-pregnant friends for support. All you need is one to pour your feelings out to over a glass of wine.

NeverKnew · December 2011

There's a girl in my group of friends who got pregnant with zero trying, just when they decided to start a family. She had a textbook pregnancy - everything beautiful.

Somehow, still she managed to complain. And fret. And obsess about her pregnancy. It's all she talked about. Hey - not throwing stones, if I'd never experienced loss or infertility, I might have been just like that. I hope not, but anyway.

The day after I miscarried, it took everything I had to get up, showered and into work. First thing in the morning, she stopped by my cube, rubbed her belly and talked about how her baby was JUST. NEVER. GOING. TO. COME. (She was due in about 5 days.)

I quietly reminded her that, yes, I understood the last few days were hard - I remembered that about my DS, but asked her to please remember that she's had it so very good and that many people would give everything to have her problems right now. "I know, I know," she said, "We are soo lucky, but UGH.. I can't take another day of this..." and on she went.

I don't know how I got through that conversation - trying to be supportive about her perfectly healthy pregnacy when I was in the midst of losing my baby. She had her baby on her due date, and I didn't visit her in the hospital. I haven't gone to see her baby, and I have no honest inclination to. I don't comment of Facebook, nothing. I hope she doesn't notice, because i know I'll get through this and come around, but that wound is pretty deep and scarring badly.

RedRose84 · December 2011

You are not a bad friend and shouldn't feel bad. You are going through some tough stuff right now and you need to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with telling your friends the truth. If they are your true friends, they will understand. I'm not surrounded by pregnant people, but I'm surrounded by people who just had babies. I've seen them, held them, and it's overall been okay. I do not make it a point to see them all the time, but it has been okay the times I see them. It will get better and easier for you as time goes on. **Hugs**

Michi2325 · December 2011

How your feeling is totally normal, but I know how you feel and it does make you feel guilty/shitty. My sister announced her pregnancy 3weeks after me, she has knowing or unknowingly rubbed things in my face and hurt me really bad since we lost the baby and I just try to ignore it. I am DREADING Christmas Day, right now all of our communication has been through text or phone calls, this will be our first face to face since everything and I dont know how I will handle if she spends the days talking about her pregnancy...the day we planned to tell everyone....

Im hoping that if it does happen someone(my Mom or fiance) may say, "Maybe we shouldnt talk about babys today..."

CFjo2010 · December 2011

I think it's completely appropriate to say that you're sorry you can't emotionally be there for people right now. True friends will understand that you're dealing with a lot and won't hold it against you.

Im in the same boat you're in. I found out last week that I had an ectopic pregnancy, and had surgery. I have a few friends who either just discovered they're pregnant or are going to be delivering soon. And it's hard. It's hard to feel excitement for other people (no matter how much we love them) when we're grieving. So stop. Stop being courteous to everyone else. Stop worrying about scaring them in their pregnancies. Take care of YOU. Easier said than done right?

I applaud you for making it through work each day. I'm not working, so I've been fortunate enough to hide out in my house crying whenever the urge strikes. Just going to work each day shows how strong you really are.

*hugs*

Want a personalized experience?

I feel like a bad friend.

Re: I feel like a bad friend.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards