I don't even know what to call this.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

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NicoleD54 · December 2011

I can't speak from experience because I'm not pregnant yet, but I feel the same way. I keep telling myself as much as I don't look forward to the anxiety of pregnancy the outcome of having a living child will be worth it. I also go back in forth between overwhelming desire to get pregnant and second guessing myself.

drvst8 · December 2011

No raninbow baby yet but I can tell you that I am feeling exactly the way you are. I thnk you read my mind.

DesiraeSunshine · December 2011

I think its normal. I went through my IVF scared and emotional.....like crazypants emotional feelingasthough I was doing something wrong. I still haven't allowed myself to get super excited about this rainbow baby. To the point I really don't talk about it. Im hoping to feel better when we see a heartbeat. I feel guilty in a way deep inside.

Heatherhah · December 2011

I feel exactly the same way we are TTC as well and I am currently waiting to O and I am freaking out hoping it works rigth away and we dont have to tryt o long then I am freaking out about what if I lose the next one at 38 wks like I lost Sydney. This sucks. You are not alone!!!

Heather

magdalina.h · December 2011

You are NOT crazy! I felt the same way. When the second line came up I rocked. I hid behind the couch and rocked. Okay I didn't hide, but I was next to the couch when the test said pregnant and I sat down. I did rock for awhile thinking am I really putting myself through this again? Then I went upstairs and held Aidan's picture while I rocked.

johnnys june · December 2011

Every single month during the 2ww I wanted to badly to be pregnant, and yet silently hoped I wasn't. I wasn't sure if I could handle it, but I wanted a baby more than anything. Every month there was a negative I was completely heartbroken, then I would convince myself I wasn't ready. It was a constant back and forth -- yet equally mixed. I think the feeling of not wanting to be pregnant is really the fear that it couldn't/won't be real. I am pregnant now after nearly a year of trying, failing, finding out I wasn't even ovulating, charting, Clomid, melt down upon melt down. Pregnant after a loss is just as intense. But I hold tight to the saying "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."

Don't give up hope, but try not to be so hard on yourself either. Charting is great and helps you understand/learn your body. But don't hesitate to "take a break" and resume TTC again when you feel ready. It will be one hell of a rollercoaster, but totally worth it.

lalaellac · December 2011

I held my breath my entire pregnancy with my rainbow. And even now that he is here safely and healthy, I still hold my breath.

Best of luck, I hope you get your BFP and your rainbow!!!

dandywarhol · December 2011

SockMonkeySam · December 2011

I went thru the same exact fear. And it didn't end until I was holding him in my arms. Every movement, every quiet day, every pain.. I was a ball of stress and fear.

I didn't feel very attached to him until he got here because I was afraid to love him and lose him also. I threw myself into working insain amount of hours so Iw ould not have to focus on being pregnant.

Petunia844 · December 2011

I know exactly how you feel, this month we weren't TTC but we also weren't TTA and now I feel exactly like you do. Next cycle we will start TTC, I'm trying to prepare myself for a very bumpy ride, I just know that having my rainbow will be worth it in the end.

sandykins · December 2011

We are trying again. I'm terrified I won't get pg but also terrified of being pg. There is no winning...

savykay · December 2011

You are so not crazy! At least I hope not, because you're crazy then so am I .

I am right there with you in the 2WW, and for sure I feel so those same things. I just keep trying to be positive and I remind myself that my rainbow baby will one day be worth all this worry and roller coaster feelings. ((big hugs)) to you and I hope that you get a wonderful take home baby soon!

pottermommy · December 2011

Oh my dear. Every every day!!! Let me advise you if you are ttc now take a peek over at pgal everyonce in a while. You will see how totally normal it truly is.

You will feel, elated, and scared, and happy, and terrified, and guilty, both for your angel and your new LO, you will feel incompetant and nervous and excited.....and all of it at the same dang time......Every twinge scares the crap out of you and by 4 months all the nurses at the registry dest will know you by your phone number and first name......

Really it isn't just the beginining and it isn't just you. When you feel ready feel free to lurk over there a bit and even comment or ask questions. TTCAL is a good place too.

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