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January 2012 Moms
jenalena
member
Slept in the closet last night (long)
jenalena
member
DH and I rarely argue, and I rarely get upset with him when he's doing something off plan. But I've finally snapped.
Some background: (1) We've agreed that any expense greater than $300 will be discussed with each other before doing it. This way, I don't come home with a new car, nor does he buy a new boat - without talking to each other first. (2) He's been spending a lot of time in his room writing songs lately. They're actually pretty good, and it's fun to see him so excited about his latest hobby. Well, he's always had music as a hobby; playing in bands & taking lessons. Writing songs at home is sort of new this year.
Last night he tells me that he's met with a recording studio/producer & he's decided that he's going to produce an album. That's 10-12 songs, professionally mixed and mastered. He says he will hire studio musicians for the parts that he can't play. Then he says that he's not really sure what the purpose or the theme of the new album will be, but he's always wanted to do this - so he put the deposit down for the producer's time. Ummmm... $2500. Okay, this is where my blood starts to boil.
As I sit and listen, he continues to explain that the average album is recorded in about 80 hours of studio time, at $75/hr and that the studio owner charges a 15% markup on the studio musicians that he'll hire, but they only charge about $100 a song. (Do the math: a drummer, a back up singer, special parts like violin, flute, or other = AT LEAST $300/song x 10 songs = $3000!) .... bla bla bla ... the details unfold over the next 20 minutes and I add up about $15,000 in costs for an album that he doesn't know the theme or the purpose!
I can't even talk at this moment, my throat was so tight, when he asks, what are you thinking? Minutes later I calmly get it out, "3 weeks before we have our first baby IS NOT the time to commit to spending $15,000 and 100 hours in a studio. For every hour in the studio, you'll probably need 4-5 hours at home preparing/practicing - that's 500 hours. That's at least 10 hours a week for a year - do you plan on spending any time with your daughter?" ... then the tears got the best of me & I couldn't talk anymore.
He responded with a quick - "Fine, I'll cancel it then.:. " 10 minutes of silence and I finally tell him, "I don't want to be the one to crush your ambitions and dreams, but this is not the time to start this project." He says, "Then when? There are no words to explain what's going through my head, so lets just drop it. I said I'd cancel it." ... At this point, hormones, emotions, whatever you want to call it - my thoughts are out of control & I stop talking.
No more words were exchanged through the night - I slept in the closet and I'm not really sure what he did. The drive to work this morning was in silence - until I dropped him off at work, when he handed me his credit card and said, "I called and cancelled the deal, please take my card to the studio and have the deposit refunded - I don't want to go back there."
GREAT!!! Now I'm the big fat grinch that stole his Christmas! How is it my problem that HE is trying to commit time and money away from the biggest thing that's happening in our lives! Am I missing something here!?!?!??!
I'm devastated. I'm not sure what's worse - I had to be the voice of reason & tell him "No." like he is a child or that he would rather spend his year in the studio than with me and the baby. I think I just feel hurt. I need to go back to my closet.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Slept in the closet last night (long)
The problem is he should not have done it without talking to you first. If the discussion was done before hand it would have been more calm... he could have either convinced you or he would understand this is just not the right time.
I'm so sorry for what's going on.. I don't have a realistic solution for you. I would not go to the studio for the refund before having a calmer conversation with him about it.
He should have talked to you about all his plans well in advance of putting a deposit down. My DH asked me the other day if he could spend $35 on some new work pants. I feel that if we share an account then we should discuss plans to spend money, not to the extent that my DH did, but he has always done that. I would have been a pissed as you were.
bfp #2 - missed m/c 7 weeks 6 days (Madison)
bfp #3 - missed m/c 7 weeks 4 days (Madilon)
bfp #4 - Payton!
First off, I think he was in the wrong since you two have an agreement about talking things over when something costs more than $300.
That being said, my mom gave me some good advice when I was going through something similar with my DH (he wanted a tablet at around $250, so much less expensive, but my view was the same as yours). "The next 18+ years will be all about the kid, so make sure you still make time for yourself as an individual and as a couple and don't forget to spend some money on yourself."
I thought it was pretty wise, so I've been trying to understand his point of view, and it helps. Just because we are expecting a LO doesn't mean we can't treat ourselves. Now, of course we might not be able to do it as often or spend as much, but it's still important.
So maybe talk it over with your DH and see if there could be a modified plan to how he approaches this. Lower the cost, spread out the recordings and payments, find a cheaper place, etc.
ETA: I should also state that we have a similar agreement but it's for anything above $100, so I totally get where you are coming from.
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Whoa, that was really immature and irresponsible from him. Not only to just commit and decide a 15k expense right before baby comes is ok and not even talk to you about it, but to then make YOU take care of it. I would be livid!
This has nothing to do with you trying to crush his dreams this is being a responsible adult and you have to have a plan, he doesn't even know what to do with the album. My DH is in the music business and this could easily take a lot longer especially when you don't have a set goal and vision. It seems more like he's trying to hang on to something, as if he was afraid that he will not have time to do his hobby anymore once the baby is there.
So if he says that you don't even know what goes on in his head, well then he needs to speak up! And it's ok to have dreams but they can't be the selfish ones, especially not when you are about to have a baby.
You have done nothing wrong! I would take that credit card and shove it in his you know what and tell him to fix his own mess!
I hope things get better!
Wow, that really sucks:(
I would feel the same as you. It is a ridiculous amount of money to spend without a plan. If he is not planning to sell the album, or does not have a recording contract, then it is just a wasted investment. And a lot to spend just to fill a dream.
But it is a dream of his, and for that reason I would feel horribly guilty as you do. That being said, I think you are right to feel it is a little over the top right now for several reasons, and that he should have discussed this with you ahead of time.
Is this something you two can afford? If so, maybe compromise like a PP suggested. Spread out over more time, etc. But he needs to know that major financial decisions should be discussed together. Especially those with a huge time commitment.
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Thanks ladies! I spent hours in the dark last night trying to convince myself that I was being rational. I would hate to be THAT upset over something trivial.
To answer some of your questions - No, this expense is not something we can afford. It would be ALL of our extra money each month. It would take sacrificing eating out lunches together, movie nights, etc... That being said, I don't even care about the money. I'm really bummed because he really thought that spending that much time in the studio would be okay. Maybe he didn't really consider how much time he was talking about? A few weeks ago he mentioned that he knew that most successful song writers/performers sacrifice their families to become successful. He KNOWS that it takes a HUGE committment to make a good album.
I think the producer game him an awesome sales pitch, and he fell for it. I think that he's acting cowardly today (not usually like him) because he's realized that he got caught up in the moment. Although - I think it was a big moment for him, he's still sulking and will probably sulk for days.
Big sigh. We'll be fine - just not going to be fun for a few days. We live a fairtale life. Events like these happen, it'll make us stronger in the end.
I"m still trying to fathom how he could let you sleep in a closet all night - especially at 8 months pregnant!
He should have talked this over w/ you prior to agreeing to it. I can understand that this is something he is passionate about and ambitious for...but really if it's not something you can afford and he would be sacrificing time away from you and new baby - it's a bad idea. Noone should have to point that out to him.
He also gives you the cc for you to collect the refund? That's ridiculous!
I'm so sorry for his insensitivity and lack of maturity in this whole thing. I hope that he comes to his senses.
You deserve to be treated better than that!
Make a pregnancy ticker
As bad as you may feel it was pretty unfair of him to put you in that position. That was definitely something that should have been discussed prior and I think you were reasonable in the way you handled it.
Sounds like maybe it was a bit of a "oh wow I'm going to be a Dad, better do something now before its too late" moment for him or something....
This totally sounds like the "mid-life" crisis that happens with a lot of men before they have babies. Some men freak out about money and don't even let you buy groceries without approval and some men freak out about not being able to do what they love anymore. They don't understand that they will still get to do those things, just not as often.
Yes, having a baby is a life changing event. And preparing for it is kind of hard. You don't know what to expect and how life will be. But it doesn't mean that he can't still follow his dream...just not right now. I agree with PP...start setting some money aside and have a goal in mind...like by the time baby is 2 and if we have enough money saved, you can start on the album...etc.
Good luck...hope he comes through for you and tries to see your side of the situation.