WDYT: IVF with a catch

MrsAJL · December 2011

A poster on another board made a post that her ILs would put up $20K towards IVF costs but there was a catch: if the baby was a boy, they had to name him after the male members in his family (i.e. he would be a IV. The poster's DH is a III.)

This woman's DH is not having it and absolutely does not want there to be a IV.

What would you do?

[Poll]

ali-1411 · December 2011

My first reaction was to take it and name the kid Pepsi if they want. But more I think about it....if they are already setting standards like the name then it likely will never end. I'd hear about it all my life and they would always - always - try to control how I was raising my child. No thank you.

babymillie · December 2011

ali-1411:
My first reaction was to take it and name the kid Pepsi if they want. But more I think about it....if they are already setting standards like the name then it likely will never end. I'd hear about it all my life and they would always - always - try to control how I was raising my child. No thank you.

totally agree.

agran · December 2011

DH and I have seriously considered auctioning off our baby's name to pay for another round of IVF. You get desperate when you need the money to have a baby. Just sayin.

joyco · December 2011

I would not name any child after the daddy, because I just wouldn't (mind you, one of my favorite uncles is a "junior" and my cousin is a III), so that is no gift at all. And it is quite rude to put stipulations on something like that. Give the money or don't, don't make these poor people have to do something they don't want to do! Rude and cruel!

brideonjuly8 · December 2011

I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.

kiarox2002 · December 2011

I would totally do it, but I also think it's a sh!tty thing for the potential grandparents to do.

balihaigirl · December 2011

ali-1411:
My first reaction was to take it and name the kid Pepsi if they want. But more I think about it....if they are already setting standards like the name then it likely will never end. I'd hear about it all my life and they would always - always - try to control how I was raising my child. No thank you.

This.

Mrs.Purdue · December 2011

I voted SS - If it was either take the money and (potentially) have a kid, or not take the money and not be able to come up with a way for IVF on my own, then I'd do either #1 or #2. A kid with a name you don't like is better than a no kid at all. I'd also probably give him a middle name that I liked (even though this probably voids the name-chain) and call him by that. He'd still be John Doe IV, just his middle name would be different.

If I could afford it on my own, then I'd turn them down on morals alone, and tell them that was the reason (and secretly hope they'd see the error of their ways and give us the money anyway).

GuavaGal · December 2011

Hmmm, interesting. So the DH doesn't want the kid to be the fourth? I would be sorely tempted to take the $$, name the kid whatever we wanted, and let the DH deal with the ILs, especially since he seems to be disagreeing with him on the name already.

On the other hand, I can imagine really wanting to have a baby and not caring what the name of the kid is enough to decline the $$. My XBF shares the same first name as his father and grandfather. I would not ordinarily choose that first name for a kid, but since it was important to him, I would've gone along with it. And I know someone who is a Sixth (!!), who would possibly want to name a son so he'd be the Seventh (!!!), and while that name is also one I wouldn't choose, the kid could always go by his middle name or use a nickname that I liked better.

As far as being controlling by "buying" the name of the kid, I can see that going in two different directions. My dad half-jokingly offered to buy naming rights for my youngest nephew because my two older nephews do not have names from our side of the family. He had no plans to interfere otherwise, but I suspect if they'd said they'd take the $$ and a name, he would've ponied up some cash. Perhaps the case here is similar? Or maybe the ILs are bossy know-it-alls and the couple would never hear the end of it if they took the $$. (<---in which case, even if they don't take the $$, they're still going to have the ILs all up in their grill all the time anyway, IMO.)

AustinBride06 · December 2011

Somewhere in between kiarox and ali... we HATE the idea of taking money from friends or family, especially with conditions. It's a little different though to take money to buy a house or a car vs. IVF (or adoption) though.

I would probably wait it out. Say thanks but no thanks and hope that they have a change of heart on the name thing. But even so, we both have a hard time "owing" someone for something as big as this. But it might be worth the guilt.

shanwalk2 · December 2011

I don't feel like I can really "go there" because I haven't had to spend years trying to get pregnant. As pp said - I'm sure things change at that point.

However, today, I would say 'not a chance'. Then, I would never be able to look at my ILs the same way ever again. If they're more concerned with a name being passed along than having grandchildren at all - I probably wouldn't be able to have a relationship with them. I know it's their money, and they can put strings on it... but I don't want to accept any money with any strings.

august8080 · December 2011

If it was between being able to do IVF or not, I'd take the money. I agree with kiarox that it's a really crappy stipulation to put on your money. I think a gift should be a gift, no strings attached.

You don't have to CALL the kid by their given name though. I knew a family who named their son Richard Whatever Whatever IV and called him Reid, so there's a way to pick a cute name that you like but still have their legal name be something else.

FireChiefsBride · December 2011

I voted no, but there are so many factors at play here. Can they come up with the money? Do she and her husband feel the same about kids? Probably the most important thing is having her and her husband on the same page.

I'm not okay with that being a for-money scenario. It's unhealthy and like Joyco said, just mean. Either give the money or don't.

From my POV, I'd never pay for IVF anyways, for reasons not totally related to my preference for kids.

joyco · December 2011

brideonjuly8:
I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.

Oy. My children are quite natural, TYVM. idk why that gets my goat, but it does, however unintentional it might be.

austxgrl · December 2011

My concern about this isn't necessarily with the name of the baby but with the bribery/manipulation that is in play by the grandparents. If they think that they have the upper hand/control over the name, then what else would they use this 20k to get? Also, since this is not a sincere gift but more of a bribe, what if the IVF didn't work? Would they have to pay back the money? Would the grandparents be standing over them during the entire process causing undo stress which would not help with the success of the IVF? If they are only giving it in order to name a boy, what would happen if its a girl? It just seems that parents that feel that they have a right to control their grown children becuase of money or gifts will never really be happy. (I'm speaking from experience on that last comment) I would absolutley not take the money. Too much control and manipulation there.

brideonjuly8 · December 2011

joyco:
brideonjuly8:
I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.
Oy. My children are quite natural, TYVM. idk why that gets my goat, but it does, however unintentional it might be.

So then change the word from "have" to "conceive" in your head. You know what I meant. JesuseffingChrist.

joyco · December 2011

brideonjuly8:
joyco:
brideonjuly8:
I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.
Oy. My children are quite natural, TYVM. idk why that gets my goat, but it does, however unintentional it might be.
So then change the word from "have" to "conceive" in your head. You know what I meant. JesuseffingChrist.

Dude, calm down. It's a valid complaint. I am not your enemy, I feel your pain. Believe me, I definitely do.

ebat · December 2011

I would take the money, name the kid what they want....and move far away

MrsMillerTime · December 2011

It depends. My dad is a III and haaaaaaates it. He didn't have the best relationship with his family so I'm sure he just has a lot of negative connotations associated with having the same name as his Dad. He told me many times when I was growing up that if he had a boy, he would have never carried on the family name. If my DH was a III and WANTED to carry on the family name, I would do it.

For some families it is a bigfreakingdeal to carry on the family name (especially when you're getting down to IV, V, VI) and I can understand the ILs trying to guarantee a way that is carried out. I don't necessarily agree with their tactics but I can understand their sense of urgency about it.

brideonjuly8 · December 2011

joyco:
brideonjuly8:
joyco:
brideonjuly8:
I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.
Oy. My children are quite natural, TYVM. idk why that gets my goat, but it does, however unintentional it might be.
So then change the word from "have" to "conceive" in your head. You know what I meant. JesuseffingChrist.
Dude, calm down. It's a valid complaint. I am not your enemy, I feel your pain. Believe me, I definitely do.

I, in no way, implied that your CHILDREN aren't "natural" but IVF is not a natural way of getting pregnant. It isn't, I don't care who you are.

Insinuating that I insulted your children is a lot more ridiculous than my choice of words.

joyco · December 2011

brideonjuly8:
joyco:
brideonjuly8:
joyco:
brideonjuly8:
I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.
Oy. My children are quite natural, TYVM. idk why that gets my goat, but it does, however unintentional it might be.
So then change the word from "have" to "conceive" in your head. You know what I meant. JesuseffingChrist.
Dude, calm down. It's a valid complaint. I am not your enemy, I feel your pain. Believe me, I definitely do.
I, in no way, implied that your CHILDREN aren't "natural" but IVF is not a natural way of getting pregnant. It isn't, I don't care who you are.
Insinuating that I insulted your children is a lot more ridiculous than my choice of words.

Whoa. Ok then. I'm sorry, I guess people aren't supposed to get cranky about stupid little things?

MnMShaw · December 2011

ali-1411:
My first reaction was to take it and name the kid Pepsi if they want. But more I think about it....if they are already setting standards like the name then it likely will never end. I'd hear about it all my life and they would always - always - try to control how I was raising my child. No thank you.

I voted before I read this, the voice of reason. Since we don't seem be having any luck on our own, my initial reaction before reading any one else's posts was Hell yes and I would name my kid Pepsi. But Ali is so right. I could totally see this being held over my head for the rest of my life.

brideonjuly8 · December 2011

joyco:
brideonjuly8:
joyco:
brideonjuly8:
joyco:
brideonjuly8:
I would do it in a heart beat if I was not able to have any more children naturally. We don't call Steven by his real name half the time anyway.
Oy. My children are quite natural, TYVM. idk why that gets my goat, but it does, however unintentional it might be.
So then change the word from "have" to "conceive" in your head. You know what I meant. JesuseffingChrist.
Dude, calm down. It's a valid complaint. I am not your enemy, I feel your pain. Believe me, I definitely do.
I, in no way, implied that your CHILDREN aren't "natural" but IVF is not a natural way of getting pregnant. It isn't, I don't care who you are.
Insinuating that I insulted your children is a lot more ridiculous than my choice of words.
Whoa. Ok then. I'm sorry, I guess people aren't supposed to get cranky about stupid little things?

I just don't see what there is to get cranky about. I didn't say your children were aliens, did I? Would you consider IVF getting pregnant naturally? Naturally, to me, is sperm meet egg in tube without assistance and implant. Just because you didn't go that route to get your kids doesn't mean it's bad or wrong. Do you think that's what I meant? I even said I would do it in a heartbeat, so it can't be something I'm against, or that I think it's wrong or whatever. How would you word it? so I know not to piss you off again.

ali-1411 · December 2011

I love the word "natural." Its so deceptive.

Like, if someone smoked pot while in labor, could that be considered a natural childbirth? It grows naturally...

Chandley · December 2011

heck no!

we were sorta in that situation, but no money and no ivf. just "if its a boy...." thank goodness that 1) dh was not on board with passing his name down and 2) we had a girl so we didn't have to have that conversation.

Mainer-in-Texas · December 2011

If it was the only way we could afford IVF, I'd do it, for sure. Otherwise, nope - it would make me feel like my in-laws thought they had some "ownership" of my child.

mcgee · December 2011

I think it depends on the way in which the gift was offered. My dad spent years telling my sister and me that if one of us named a girl Meredith (our maiden name), he'd shell out $$$$ for fancy baby stuff for us. He loved the name for a girl, but obviously hadn't been able to use it because my mother wouldn't agree to a child being named Meredith Meredith. He meant it as a loving offer, and he likely still would have bought nice baby stuff for us if we'd named our daughter something else... but he'd probably have jokingly given us a hard time anyway.

If the $ were offered that way because the name being carried on like that really meant a lot to them and they had no intention of being interfering grandparents who would make son and DIL's lives miserable, I'd take the $ for IVF and not think twice.

If the $ were offered in such a way that made me believe that the ILs would hold it over my head forever that THEY are the reason we have a child, and thus we owe them X, Y and Z, then I'd be inclined to only take the offer if we had no other options.

But before taking or declining the offer, I'd ask my husband what the think his parents would do if we reneged on the name deal and how big of a problem that would create. If he thought they'd get over it because they were excited about a grandchild, eh, I might still take the $. If he thought it would cause WW3, then forget it.

FusionLMT · December 2011

I would take the money, and hope for a girl.

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