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December 2010 Moms
Increasingly getting fed up with H - am I the only one?
H and I got into a HUGE fight Friday night. I asked him several times to just leave me alone, he wouldn't, and so I told him what all was putting me in a bad mood. He of course, turns it around and slams me (not literally) for the house being a disaster, carpet isn't vacuumed, blah blah blah.
I told him if he wants a clean house, he needs to come home earlier. By the time he gets home, both boys are fed, I'm starving but haven't eaten yet because the boys are my #1 priority, and usually DS#1 has homework we are trying to work on while LO is almost always demanding attention. H repeats he won't come home early because the house is a mess ...I screamed at him (I'm not a screamer) that the house will stay a mess until he comes home earlier and helps out with the boys. I told him that 95% of the time I'm a single mom ...even though I'm married. I follow that up with, "you tell me to sit down and relax, that I have been so busy every day, get sporatic sleep, I should just relax. So should I sit down and relax or should I pick up the house so you'll come home sooner?" ...He just looks at me.
I'm at a loss. ..I try, but as you all know, we can literally only do so much in one day. Full time job, 2 kids, a house, dinner to cook, house to clean ...I just cannot do it all. H comes home and sits his butt on the sofa in front of the TV and sometimes will play with the boys. I make him help me by just plopping LO in his lap so I can do something else for a minute or two - like eat.
So fast forward to last night, he didn't get home till just after 7pm, again, boys are already fed, luckily DS#1 doesn't have homework this week, I'm still starving, LO is grumpy from a crap of a afternoon nap at daycare ...OH and did I mention that H wants me to add in getting back to the gym? ...at this point I don't care if I pack on 20 pounds - I just can't do it all. ...I'm losing myself, I haven't done any of my crafting since LO was born.
I look put together - like I have it all balanced ...but I don't.
Sorry, this turned into an emotional vent.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Increasingly getting fed up with H - am I the only one?
You are far from the only one. I work all day, pick DD up, get home around 5:30. If I'm lucky she'll fall asleep in the car and I'll have 30-45 minutes to get some things-like emptying/loading the dishwasher, checking the mail, putting BM away, getting something for dinner out- before she wakes up. Then I make us dinner, play with her, get her to bed (hopefully by 8:30) so that I can pick some stuff up and relax before I go to bed. And those are my easy night, when DH is at work, somehow his presence messes up the whole routine- dinner is almost always too late for DD to eat and there is always twice as much mess-eventhough I supposedly have help.
Fortunately my DH doesn't complain about the house being a mess, and you are justified in being angry with yours for saying those things to you. Marriage is a partnership and if his priority is having the floor vacuumed then he should do it his damned self. (Even with DH not giving me crap about the state of the house I've still been frustrated with him lately. )
Don't be down on yourself, you've got it as balanced as its going to get.
Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Nutrition Facts For Foods
You work full time and you are expected to take care of the home, cook the meal and take care of the children? I don't like that at all. DH and I share responsibilities. I do much more with LO because my job isn't as intense as his, but he does more picking up around the house after LO has gone to bed. As for dinner, we cook together. Most of all, he repeatedly acknowledges what I do and appreciates it.
If it were me, I would demand more of a partnership and leave if it did not change. Sorry to be so harsh--that's just me but you might be different.
You know, having him around does kind of throw off the routine. I mean, if he's home early enough I have time to adjust, but if he walks in at 7 or later, the boys don't go to bed until 8-8:30...it really throws things off. Last night he actually helped pick up - baby toys, but still - he wanted to be putting things away in LO's room while I was trying to get him to bed, then he gives LO a glow worm to sleep with, WHA? He doesn't sleep with anything in his bed but a blanket.
It does get frustrating having him there messing up the routine - I just wish he'd shut his mouth and help pick up the house. ...even just rinse his dishes from the lunch he took to work, instead of leaving it all dirty inside sitting on the counter for me to find at 10pm, wanting to throw it at his head.
2012 Reading Challenge
I would be fed up with my DH if he pulled that stuff! I'm sorry your H is being a butthead. I don't think it's fair that you work full time AND are responsible for all the childcare, cooking, and cleaning. NOBODY could handle all of that. I think you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with him.
I get fed up with my DH sometimes. Like the other day I was making LO's food, feeding him, cleaning up, and cooking dinner. All while DH sat on the couch watching TV! I had to calm myself down and remember that he usually helps out a lot with DS.
And if my DH told me he wanted me to start hitting the gym... it would be GAME OVER for him.
Yup, I do everything inside of the house. Granted, during the warmer months H is taking care of the yard, I couldn't last year, the heat here killed me after 5 mins while KU, and this year because LO - I couldn't hear the monitor outside while the lawn mower was going. ...and he would wake up while the lawn got mowed.
I have tried to make things easier on myself, more crock pot meals, I have DS#1 help with laundry, mostly just putting in washer and moving around. I swear, DS#1 helps more than H.
I don't remember the last time H cooked a meal.
Yup, if I at least got some little bit of recognition of his appreciation I would be happy with that.
I'm increasingly getting mad at him faster and just wanting to scream, instead I just start crying ....I just want to scream!
2012 Reading Challenge
I think your H needs a serious come to Jesus talk. Why is it that he feels it's your responsibility, and your responsibility alone, to work a full-time job, take care of your sons, keep the house spotless AND have a Kim Kardashian body at the same time? Oh hells no. Your children are just as much his responsibility as yours-he did have something to do with bringing them in to the world, after all. As is the house. As is YOUR happiness. If I were you (I know you were just venting and not asking for advice, so forgive me for my unsolicited opinion!), I would sit down with your H and tell him:
1. He needs to come home at a reasonable hour and help you with the boys, and at the very, very least, pick up a few things around the house.
2. Stop giving you attitude. You sound like superwoman to me, and I would be incredibly hurt and angry if my H did nothing but b!tch at me instead of offering to help or giving me a break.
3. Tell him that you have every right in the world to take some "me" time, whether that be crafting, going to the gym (for you, NOT him), or just vegging out in front of the TV. You deserve R&R just as much as he does, if not more.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, chrisncassie. You sound like a wonderful mom, and you don't deserve this. Just remember, no one has it all balanced and all together, no matter how perfect it may look from the outside. *hugs*
You guys are great - of course I'm in tears (at work) - but you guys are great shoulders for me!
We have a 50's style relationship I guess. He maintains the outside, major things in the house, cars etc. I do try to cut him some slack, he lost his dad unexpectedly last year, his step dad just before Thanksgiving and his grand dad the day we came home from the hospital with LO. He has been spending a lot of time at his dads trying to get it ready to rent - but I swear he's putting too much into it, especially just to rent it. So that is a lot of whats causing his stress and anger, that he has 2 homes to maintain and I can't mainatin the inside of one. ...
I want to get to the gym, but not for him, and when I want to go, not when he says I should. ...OH, and the whole gym thing, I still have to come home, get dinner ready, feed LO, baths, etc. sometimes H will help DS#1 with his homework - but he's not patient with him at all.
2012 Reading Challenge
Is this style of a relationship working for you, though? I can certainly see why a 1950's relationship would be great for him, but what about you? My parents have a similar relationship (I swear, my dad can't even tie his own shoes) and my mom is constantly frustrated and resentful. Do you think counseling would help? Maybe an objective third party could help you guys define your expectations for each other.
It absolutely sucks that your H lost so many people in a year. I know how miserable it is to lose someone close to you, and I'm sure he's still dealing with grief. However, that's not an excuse to be an azz, and to let you shoulder the burden for everything. As far as the rental house, can you guys just hire a cleaning crew and be done with it? Maybe a repairman/handyman if something needs to be fixed? It would be well worth the $$ for your piece of mind, and then your H can get home earlier and spend more time with you guys.
OK, I can't really see how it took you this long to lose your shiit with DH. I agree with PP too, but I think that maybe you need to adjust a few things on your side too. (I mean the following in the absolute best intended way & am TOTALLY ON YOUR SIDE)
First off, why in the heck can't you eat dinner when the boys do? You should start doing that ASAP. Being tired and hungry aren't helping at all.
Secondly, make a schedule of chores for you both to follow. I'm thinking along the lines of the Jillybean list - mop/sweep on mon, someshit on tues, wiping wed (do your bathroom counters or something), someothershit thursdays, and someother-othershit fridays. We have ours altered to things that need attention in our house. If your DH insists on coming home at whatever the hour, he can pick a task and do that.
Thirdly, give yourself a break. You work and have kids. There are only so many hours in the day to do stuff. Make sure that you do something every day, but set a time limit. Just spend 10 mins. If will make a difference in both your stress level AND your house. And when you catch up on the weekends or whenever you do that, it will be less to do & less stressful.
Fourthly, you and your DH need to agree on how things go in your house. Routine, esp. with 2 kids, is sooo essential. But you BOTH have to agree on it. It's really hard for us too, and I think we may go have a few visits with a couples counsellor so that we actually communicate with each other instead of at each other.
I hope you guys work this out ASAP, because you don't deserve this shitstorm. :::big squishy hugs:::
It used too ...but this last year to year and a half have just become increasingly more difficult. I need to talk to him about counseling. We've both agreed before that we would go if it meant saving our marriage - and I'm getting to that point - though honestly, I don't want to do this completely alone.
The rental house is done and ready - thankfully. We hired a management company, I spoke up about that one right away. Told him he was already gone so much getting the house ready, that for him to try to manage it too, would be too much, and I would sacrifice that 10% to them. That I would rather sell it and be done if he's going to try to be a a repair man too. I won that one debate.
He takes offense to things easily, which is odd considering is "rought exterior" ...which then puts him into defensive mode and trying to just talk to him about whats going on with me is very difficult - counsler may be my only outlet.
2012 Reading Challenge
Well I was going to ask what your H was doing where he has a choice on what time he gets home. Most people work until x amount of time and then just come home. But it looks like he's working on this other house.
I'll take it and hug back ...hope you don't mind long hugs, I need one!
2012 Reading Challenge
He runs a pharmacy as his "job" ...mornings after dropping of DS#1 and on weekends he was going to his dads to get it ready ...which meant little to no time with him, which REALLY didn't help us either.
2012 Reading Challenge
No, you don't. In the 50's, you would've been taking care of the kids & house while your husband worked. Expecting you to work full time AND take care of the house & kids is utterly ridiculous. I would lose my *** if MH complained about the house being a mess in that situation. I'm not even working, and I can barely keep my house in order, take care of ONE kid and cook dinner every night.
I guess I just was trying to be patient - and I'm also used to 22 years of being walked all over and controlled by my family ...(not H), so it takes me a while to finally get fed up.
I am going to start eating with the boys, especially since LO is mainly eating off my plate now too, I'll just serve myself more. I'll be eating at 6:30pm, but I don't care, thats WAYYY better than at 8 or 8:30pm
I was trying to do jilly's cleaning schedule, and I got off that, I'm not sure why, it did help. Yup, check, going back to the list on our whiteboard at home (...don't ask WHY we have a huge one, we just do.)
I have "me time" in the shower ...just to take my time, shave, and just have quiet. ...thats about 9 or 9:30, then I try to get straight to bed ...after the other things I do to try to get the morning off to a smooth start - i.e. coffee maker ready and set.
2012 Reading Challenge
Oh man, I better get back on that cleaning schedule now that my NAME'S on it, hahahaha!
I of course have the same fights. Even though my husband actually is a help on housework, cooking, food shopping, etc, there are other things he doesn't even have to think about. He has never had to write a thank you note. He did not have to buy any Christmas gifts. He does not worry about clothing or bathing the baby. So yes, in terms of housework we are equal, but then I get a whole bunch of other *** piled on me as well, which I pointed out to him is completely unfair.
At any rate, we had a huge fight, but it at least resulted in him agreeing to write the thank you's for the baby's birthday. That was big.
I think if you explain everything you really do, it's sometimes a wake up call for them. And you know, sometimes I really do not give my husband enough credit for the things he does do. He takes care of our dishes regularly and cooks most nights (while I clean). During the course of our fight he pointed out some stuff that he does that I didn't realize, so I think it was a good fight, all in all. So you really need to sit down adn hash it out.
I'm really sorry that you feel so bad
Nobody can be expected to keep up that schedule for long without having a meltdown. I agree with pp about getting a cleaning woman. We have someone come every 2 weeks and it makes a world of difference. We may cut the budget in other areas, but the cleaning woman is non-negotiable. I point blank tell DH that I do not have time to clean (nor do I want to in my spare time).
I'm lucky that my DH is very helpful around the house, but he does need prompting and direction. I don't say, "I need help around the house." I say, "DH, can you please _________?" I give a lot of tasks, and I know sometimes DH might get annoyed because he'd rather be watching tv, but nevertheless, he does what I ask. I have a friend who once told me that when her husband vacuums, she acts like he invented the light bulb. Even though husbands shouldn't have to be praised for taking care of their home or children, I find that some positive reinforcement goes a long way.
Hopefully you guys can sit down soon and discuss what your expectations are for taking care of the home and kids.
Whoa whoa ...I love you guys ...but uh ...I dunno about that much :-P
2012 Reading Challenge
Thanks ladies! You all make very good points, I can feel my blood pressure coming down.
H and I need to have a heart to heart - and not attack each other.
2012 Reading Challenge
I'm coming in late but I wanted to say how much I agree with the pp's. You simply cannot do everything. And, girl...taking a shower is not enough you time. You deserve to sit down and read a book or watch some trashy tv. ((big hugs))
bosha is onto to something here.
This. Our house is a mess. I try to get dinner on the table, but only because DH has a longer commute than I do so if we wait for him to cook we'll eat really late. Keeping the house cleaning, cleaning bottles, washing diapers (we CD), etc, are all shared responsibilities in our house. I'm considering SAH and if so, then the housecleaning and cooking will become primarily my responsibility, but while we're both working full time, everything is 50/50.
Your DH needs to get a clue.