Feeling pressured by DH

bigbear · December 2011

So I try to "take care" of DH once a week. But he'll talk about it every day and even say "hey listen, you really gotta do something I'm hurting."

Typically it's oral that he prefers (sorry TMI) and let me tell you, that does nothing for me, I hurt I'm uncomfortable and sometimes just don't feel like it. Certainly not when he keeps wagging around chasing me around the house. And I don't get taken care of at all!!

And I tried to tell him that he needs to understand that I don't always feel like it and then he should just take care of himself sometimes. But he gets upset and says that he's married now so he shouldn't and doesn't want to do that. And that makes me feel even worse, like I'm not making him happy. But he doesn't get it that it's hard on me, I hurt, my nose is stuffed up and well I don't feel like it!!!!

Am I being too selfish?

VABride2008 · December 2011

If anyone is being selfish, it's him.

jineau · December 2011

F no your not being selfish, he's being a doucherocket. Sorry if my husband was doing that to me he would not be getting any for a year. I'd purposely thow up on him while giving head just to teach him a fing lesson that when I say I don't feel good I mean it. I don't know your relationship, but I wouldn't put up with that. Your the pregnant one, dealing with all the symptoms and carrying the baby and giving birth, so he has no room to cry and say it hurts. boo freaking hooo. I'd throw a porn dvd at him and lock him in the room and tell him not to come out until it doesn't hurt anymore. You should not be feeling bad, and he should not be making you feel bad. Marriage does not equal ownership.

bigbear · December 2011

OH thank you, I was really beginning to doubt myself as if I'm not trying to see his side of the story.

And it's really not fun when it's this on demand thing like I can just turn it on and go with it.

Thank you ladies, you made me feel much better!

Dawn7233 · December 2011

Nope, not at all! Although, I wish my SO would be chasing after me around the house! I feel like he's completely turned off by me and doesn't mind taking care of himself, even though I wouldn't mind a good romp in the sheets Wink

KitKat83 · December 2011

No, you're not being selfish. If my husband was like that he'd probably get slapped! He's not showing you any respect, its a two way street and if you don't feel like it you don't have to do anything! Give him a bottle of lotion and send him to the shower, he should be able to "take care" of himself!

Sorry, this is a touchy subject with me because I had that problem before this pregnancy. The more I felt pressured, the more distant I became, and resented him to the point that I almost left because it was killing me inside!! I finally had a break down, bawled my eyes out, told him if he didn't stop (the pressure and the pouting, making me feel like I was a terrible wife) that I was gone. Since I actually opened up to him and told him how I felt he's been 110% better and our "personal" life has gotten much better too.

cbkeni · December 2011

That's how my DH is all the time. He's tried to back off since I got pregnant but now that I'm 38 weeks along and I haven't had the crazy pregnant hormone rush he's a little bummed (he didn't believe me that not EVERYONE gets super horny when they're pregnant). I feel the same way though, at this point the LAST thing I want to do is kneel down/bendover/whatever so I can blow you for the rest of the night. And if he's just getting a BJ he wants it to last forever too!

Is sex too uncomfortable for you? Or is it that he prefers oral to sex at this point? I know a lot of guys get weird about having sex when their wives are pregnant. I usually just pretend I'm SUPER into it on the rare occasions I do it so that when he has to go a little longer in between I can be like "Well ya but that last one was awesome right?! Should be enough to hold you over..." But we also still have sex pretty regularly (no where near what it used to be but still...) so it's probably a little easier on him.

...wow I'm no help...

tko72 · December 2011

LOL, this sounds a lot like my DH Stick out tongue

. I just make him feel guilty by replying, "I can't believe you're making this request to your nine-month pregnant wife!"

Brit's Luna154 · December 2011

You don't have that many weeks left. I would not feel bad about him waiting until you deliver/recover and can return to "normal" activities. Especially at this point, it is his responsibility to figure out how to take care of his needs, not your responsibility to do it for him. What does he do if one of you travels for work or something? --> Probably does it himself. I don't see what the big deal is?

SoonToBeMsP · December 2011

Uh, yeah... You're not the one being selfish.

DH is a very sexual person and he has not pressured me ONCE since being pregnant. Of course he is "hurting" as well, and I try and throw him a bone when I can, but he never expects it... which, IMO, is the way it should be.

Tell your DH to grow up and respect you.

(Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this stuff pisses me off)

Kristine Schilling · December 2011

I am sooo glad I am not the only person replying that HE is being selfish.

It may be TMI, but DH and I have not had any form of sexual relationship in several months. Because I am uncomfortable, tired, stuffy nosed, etc....

He is not "hurting" from lack of sex or stimulus. There is nothing wrong with him taking care of himself in the shower if he really needs release. And this business of him not taking care of you at all is just silly. If he wants a BJ, you should be able to get some oral or hand stimulation as well.

We do however, have lots of cuddle time, foot rubbing(mutual!!) and good back rub sessions. There is more to intamacy than sexual stimulation!

Mrs.MauiBride24 · December 2011

What an ass! PG or not if you don't feel like it, you should never feel obligated just because he's your husband.

Annya26 · December 2011

Reading that actually made me REALLY angry. Married or not you should NEVER be pressured into a sexual activity that you don't feel like participating in, ESPECIALLY when you are pregnant and uncomfortable.

He's being an ass in my opinion and should try to recognize that chasing you around trying to convince you to do that isn't exactly sexy and likely to get him what he wants. He needs to get over himself.

Huahine · December 2011

What a selfish ass! And no, I'm not talking about you. If he wants some loving, he needs to give you a reason to want to do it. If you aren't into the idea of being taken care of sexually right now, then he should be offering up back rubs and foot rubs to make you feel like reciprocating.

kmchavez82 · December 2011

We were on pelvic rest for most of my pregnancy and I took care of DH during the first trimester as much as I could and since then it has trickled to almost never. I'm not in the mood, tired, uncomfortable, in pain, just not on the top of my list. He has been very understanding although I'm sure he's sexually frustrated. Just not going to happen atm and he understands that.

It bothers me some that he's taking care of business alone but not enough to join in since I can't/won't do anything myself as it just makes me more uncomfortable. Just have to deal with it for a bit longer. I miss intimacy with him but it is what it is. LO is worth the lack of lovin.

Shekels831 · December 2011

He's being very very insensitive to you right now and you should not put up with it. Tell him to man up take care of himself if he is "hurting" so bad. Ugh.

Cleo29 · December 2011

how old is he?? Honestly, he has two hands, let him figure it out. And I fear the sex weeks post baby are going to be extra long for you if he doesn't keep his trap shut.

bigbear · December 2011

Yes you ladies are right. He is being selfish. I feel like most of the time he prefers oral, pregnant or not. And he gets so into it that even if I feel like it, well it's too late or I just see that he doesn't want anything else. He does want to take care of me with a toy or whatever, but with Hemis up the whazoo I just don't feel like it.

And it has happened a few times where I wanted more but again BJ is his preferrence and that's it. I've asked for a back massage but he either does it haflassed for like 5 minutes and that's it or he says he's also tired and hurt. He always compares himself to me!!!

He is a good man, I know he loves me and all but this is one thing that just isn't getting through his head. He thinks it should be enough for me to do it knowing that it makes him happy

And the thing is, he just lays there and says, "here you go". Where the F is the romance and sensitivity towards me in any of that?

GingerWife · December 2011

This makes me feel so frustrated for you! No one is every "entitled" to benefits, ever.

My poor DH hasn't gotten any at all since June when I started having some bleeding/complications. While he isn't excited about, he's been a good sport.

You are neither being selfish or ridiculous or anything else other than a (pregnant) woman with the right to do or not do whatever you feel like.

Kim-n-Eric · December 2011

Regardless of whether you are pregnant or not, it is 100% not ok for any man to expect you to take care of him sexually. I am particularly bothered by the fact that he prefers a bj to sex. That is in no way a healthy sexual relationship, in my opinion. Good foreplay, sure, but it should never be a replacent to sexual intimacy. If my husband followed me around thr house damanding or whining about needing me to relieve him because he was hurting and being completely unsympathetic or mature enough to recognize I was not interested, his ass would be gone. You claim he loves you, which I can't attest to one way or another, but I can sure as sh!t tell you he doesn't respect you. That I have a huge problem with and you should too...

intdesigner925 · December 2011

No but let me say this was part of the reason my relationship came to an end( his doing not mines) not saying yours will but i'd talk to him about how you feel asap and dont let it fester. To be honest men just dont get it!!! They dont they think with their dicks and thats it! Im guessing it has to do with the fact that they arent physically going through pregnancy but whatever the reason it stupid and its selfish. Its like im carrying another life *** and im tired, I ache, someone is smushing my organs and I have to deal with all this for 9 months give me a break!!!! Anyhow no your not being selfish and hopefully as your husband he wakes up and shows a bit of compassion and understanding afterall your carrying his child, he should be bowing and kissing the damn ground you walk on!

Thinkerbelle80 · December 2011

No, you are totally not being selfish. I don't feel like it most of the time either. Although, I would REALLY not feel like it if he was always asking for oral instead of straight up sex. I try to find time to do it at least once a week but as we get farther into my pregnancy, it's been more like once every other week. I'm sick, my nose is stuffy, I'm uncomfortable, I totally just don't feel like it. We actually encountered issues like this before I got pregnant and he realized that he was being too pushy all the time which made me want sex less and feel sort of used. So, he just asks me now but if I say no or I don't feel like it, he usually just backs down and takes care of it himself. He tries to be really understanding. In return, I try to offer it sometimes when he doesn't ask which he likes more that I have initiated instead of him asking. So, that is sort of the reward for him backing off a little. Honestly, I'd tell him that a marriage vow is not a contract to have sex every time your partner asks just like he didn't sign a contract to clean the house or give you a back rub every single time you ask. If you feel constantly guilty and pressured to have sex, you'll enjoy it less and it will affect your relationship. So, he can continue to ask every day but ask him to back off once you say no and not lay on a guilt trip. It'll make the sex you DO have better for both of you because you wont' be feeling so resentful when you have sex with him. You both need to feel happy.... he needs to feel like you want him sexually sometimes and you need to feel like he respects your feelings and doesn't think of you like a sex object constantly. Try to meet in the middle. He's going to have to take care of it himself sometimes or just go without but you'll also try to find a time to initiate sex with him at a frequency that you both can agree on.

ames243567 · December 2011

This post actually made me angry. If anyone demanded something of me I would do the opposite. Or bite real hard!

You are NOT selfish....he is and I am sorry he is treating you like that. Married or not you are never required to perform sexual activities!

Sascha3 · December 2011

I am a give and take kind of girl. There is no way I am giving oral unless I am getting oral. Maybe once in a great while, but regularly? No way. He has only gotten it twice this pregnancy since he has only done it to me once. I have no idea what his hang up is but if he doesn't want to do it, neither do I.

We also had issues pre pregnancy where I felt like he wanted sex too often. So now that his libido has dropped due to him being uncomfortable with sex during my pregnancy, he tells me that he feels disrpespectful when he initiates and that's why he leaves it up to me to initiate now. I am kind of hurt by it, but I am definitely relieved that I don't have to deal with him wanting it nightly. He is still very affectionate and loving, just not sexual.

Your husband is being completely disrespectful. And just pulling it out and laying there? Ew. I would be so annoyed and turned off, pregnant or not. Being asked for sex constantly is a huge turnoff. I once told my husband that he made me feel like if something happened where we were apart or I couldn't have sex for a period of time that he would cheat on me. He was shocked that was what I got out of it. He thought he was showing me how turned on he was by me and how attracted he was to me. He settled down a bit after that.

I must say I have gotten a taste of my own medicine this pregnancy with him not being in the mood. I can't wait to go back to normal and have sex 5 times a week!

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