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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Advice for friend that had a stillbirth
First let me say, I am so sorry for all on this board that have suffered a loss. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child and I can't begin to fully understand your pain. A friend of mine just birth to a stillborn baby girl that was due in less than a month. She doesn't live in the area but I would like to do something, anything that expresses our support for she and her husband as they mourn their daughter. For those who have suffered such a tragedy, any suggestions? Thanks and again, I am sorry for your loss.
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Re: Advice for friend that had a stillbirth
I lost mine at about 4 weeks. I am still sad. It's hard. I can't imagine what she's going through. I don't really have any advice for you other than to just let her know that you are there if she needs to talk or cry.
It's been hard to talk about since it's not just the loss of a baby, it's the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had already had for the child. You picture them going off to school for the first time, taking them to the beach to see the waves - how will they react? will they love it as much as you do? You picture them going to the movies with a boy for the first time, getting her drivers license, graduating from high school, going to college. All of these are now gone.
I don't think there's anything you can do or say to lessen her pain. But you can be there for her, if not in person, by phone and email. She will appreciate it.
I am so sorry for your friend's loss. What a wonderful and caring friend you are to come here and ask for advice!
Unfortunately there isn't anything that you can say to heal her pain but it is important for her to know that you are there for her.
My very best friend (who is also pregnant and due around when I was supposed to be due) has been incredible simply because she has been there for me on an ongoing basis. Unfortunately people often offer their sympathies at the beginning (for the first few weeks) and then just forget and their lives go on. The truth of the matter is that it still hurts way beyond that "grieving period" that everyone gives you. My advice to you is to be there for her on an ongoing basis beyond when the flowers and letters stop coming.
Be honest and tell her that though you cannot imagine what she is going through you are there to listen and support her. Check in with her often by calling and just listening. If you are able to go and visit her, see if she would like that as well.
Will they be having a funeral or memorial service? If so, perhaps you might want to offer to help with those arrangements? Again, everyone grieves in their own way so perhaps your friend wants to handle this herself or maybe she needs the support with this as well.
Again, I am so very sorry for your friend's loss. The loss of a child is absolutely unbearable but the comfort and support of friends really helps.
My little boy was stillborn 3 months ago at 38w5d. I received cards with notes, flowers, gift baskets and donations in our son's name to different charities (March of Dimes and First Candle), and I really appreciated all of these gestures from friends. Friends telling me they were thinking/praying for us (if she's religious) also helped a lot (and still does). So any of these would be appreciated IMO.
The thing I've really appreciated the most, as we're still mourning, are the texts and emails I get from friends checking on me regularly after the initially flurry of support. Some check on me every few days and some weekly, even now. Even when I can't respond (and I told them that I'm not always able to do so, you may want to tell your friend that you understand if she can't respond yet), I appreciate that they're thinking of me. Some days when I'm feeling really low, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
Just don't let her feel like you've forgotten about her, especially now and as time passes, as this is such a devastating and difficult time. Hugs to you for trying to be a supportive friend and to your friend. I'm so very sorry for her loss.
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