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May 2012 Moms
Venting (NBR & long)-- ladies married to a cop please step forward
So yesterday I attended a seminar with my husband who is a police officer. He told me that it was really important for me to go with him because 1. All the other officer's wives were going and 2. He thought it might help with some of the struggles I have with him being an officer sometimes.
First of all, once I get there my husband disappears to help out with setting things up (I thought we were just attending) and I quickly realize that out of the 200 officers there, only 3 brought their wives.
I knew it was going to be some pretty heavy stuff, but over 8 hours of videos about officers killing themselves and hearing horribly graphic stories about rape, molestation, murder, and other crimes was a bit much for me. I was told that it was talking about how to recognize symptoms of depression and PTSD, which I thought could be valuable, but the presentation was really geared toward the officers helping other officers angle and not much on how spouses can help or even some phrases I could say that would make it seem like I'm trying to understand as much as I can, even though I'm just "the general public".
Besides all this, the presenter's wife, who I thought might be insightful or at least be able to give a point of view to the officers that sometimes there are some not so fun things about being married to a police officer, was totally unrelatable. She works 2 days a week, lives in a gated community and a very nice home. Most of the people I know that are married to an officer, don't have that cushy of a lifestyle. So, it was just hard to take her seriously.
After the presentation, my husband asked my opinion on the seminar. I was honest and he got super upset with me telling me I was insensitive and just "don't understand". He said I didn't show enough emotion during the seminar and I told him that I think it wasn't really the nicest thing to sit through being pregnant and I don't cry in front of people---I just don't. I also have learned ways to not cry just because I used to work in treatment foster care and saw horrible things all the time and worked in a nursing home and was surrounded by death constantly. I had to learn to compartmentalize things to avoid being a wreck all the time. I also said that the seminar was completely one-sided and it would have been nice to have real wives give some insight about what it's like to be alone every night, see horrible things come up on the news and wonder if a squad is going to show up at your door to take you to see your dead husband. Maybe also mention that most wives of officers have to be just as tough as their husbands, because it would be really easy to fall apart some days.
Ugg--so I think he's still mad at me, and I'm mad at him for placing me in a situation where I was uncomfortable all day and felt like I was there alone instead of it being some sort of couple thing, like I thought it would be. Not that I expected rainbows and unicorns.
If you read all this--cotton candy and gold stars to you! Thanks for reading--no one is at work for me to vent to today.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Venting (NBR & long)-- ladies married to a cop please step forward
WOW that must have been a really long day for you indeed. I can understand that he wants your support but you know what it is like to be there for him etc. You know him and his job. I don't think it was fair if he knew what seminar was going to be about that he should have dragged you along. You deal with these fears as you have said.... I am sure as soon as he walks out that door everyday you worry.
I don't think he understands that you know what it's like for him out there. And what he can walk into. But maybe by talking with him about how you feel about attending and the feelings it gave you maybe it will help him to understand that you are behind him and will support him
This is one thing I am glad my SO doesn't do for a living. I would be so terrified every minute he walked out the door.
HugZZZZ
Sorry you had to sit through that. I'm not married to a police officer but I married into an entire family of them. DH's dad is a trooper, so is his grandfather. His uncles are both COs and his two males cousins are in the Army and just decided to join up and become troopers. DH always said that since all of these men, with the exception of the two cousins, have been married at least three times, he would never consider joining the force.
Basically, I know the job is very stressful and makes you look at the world very differently. I'm sorry your husband is not being understanding of how you felt. Maybe you can just talk about how you didn't think to was for spouses and, because that was your thought going into it, that's why you didn't like it as much. I hope he comes around and sees your point of view!
DS #1 born 05/25/2012
BFP#2: 06/12/2013 ---- loss
DS #2 born 4/08/2014
BPF#4: 2/1/2016 --- 2/23/2016 suspected molar pregnancy--- 3/15/2016 D&E - diagnosis MM
BFP#5 - 9/22/2016
* formally bornmommy
Thanks ladies!
It's nice to get some support and maybe some of what I said to him last night will sink in today. Sometimes he gets defensive right away, so no matter what I say it just ends up lost in space until his mind decides to retrieve it later.
I know I could never possibly understand EVERYTHING about his job, especially since I don't have the same job, but I feel I have more perspective on it than he gives me credit for sometimes.
First of all I think it sucks that you weren't prepared for what you were getting into. Did he tell you it would last that long? 8 hours of anything like that would be a lot for anyone to handle! So I don't blame you at all for your reaction.
However, it sounds to me like your husband was trying to reach out to you. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way, but it seems like he asked you to be there for a reason, and his reaction to your response makes me think this meant a lot to him. From what you say (that you're good at compartmentalizing your feelings), is it possible you haven't been open to him and how his job is affecting him? Maybe you both need to have an honest discussion about how his job affects BOTH of you. I hope one of the things they talked about during that long day was counseling, maybe that's something you guys should consider.
FWIW, my DH and I have been going to a therapist the past few months. We have a really great relationship, but what relationship couldn't use tweaking? We're trying to iron out the wrinkles before the baby gets here...because once he/she gets here, little problems can become big ones....and big ones become even bigger.
Just my two cents. Hope you guys can resolve it so you both feel better about the situation!
Thanks for your two cents!
He did tell me it would be an all day thing, but I was expecting more of a workshop sort of atmosphere where I would be hearing from other wives and what not. Does this make sense?
I actually asked him straight out if the reason he wanted me there was because he needed some help dealing with his job since I know lately that he's had a lot more shifts and a lot more cases dealing with more than drunk drivers and deadbeat dad warrants. We honestly talk about his job (and the strange politics that come with it) all the time and he doesn't pretend like the job doesn't sometimes bother him (like a lot of cops do because they don't want to be seen as weak). The only time I don't hear about his job are for cases that he can't talk about.
We did talk about his friend who we really think needs professional help due to depression and flashbacks after being hit by a car while on duty. I know there's a lot of stress anyways---we both get stressed by the holidays.
I'm ready for another round of discussion tonight. Counseling wouldn't be a bad idea if our schedules weren't completely different. We seriously see each other about 5 hours a week lately with his schedule.
I'm not married to a cop, but I am married to a firefighter. So I know what it's like to worry the minute they walk out the door and go to work. I was pregnant with DS1 when he started, and I will say that the pregnancy hormones certainly didn't help with the worrying.
Is he a new officer or has he been there for a while? Either way, I think he was probably coming from a good place in inviting you to go since you mentioned he thought it might help you with your struggles--although I understand your disappointment with the event as a whole. Maybe he didn't know it would be like that, and I imagine it's less jarring for him to see/hear that kind of presentation than you.
I totally see your point about being alone, seeing the news and worrying, etc. I have definitely experienced that as well. I see your frustration, and maybe he was frustrated that it didn't help you like he thought it would. Just guessing since I don't really know. Sorry you had such a bad experience.
I forgot to mention (total baby brain moment...) that my DH was in the Marines and served in Iraq. So I can relate to what you're going through on that level. Its one of the toughest (most thankless) jobs being a cop and their wives are unsung heroes too, credit where credit is due. I know its not an easy life!
Also I think a lot of people, both men and women, sometimes have an "oh sh*t" moment when they get pregnant thinking "what kind of world are we bringing this child into?"...cops would feel that more than most I'm guessing.
Good luck with your continued discussion!
1st off I don't think people realize how hard it can be sometimes to be a cops wife, I am home all the time alone and I'm like how are we going to do this kid thing! So I totally understand how you feel!
Its not that you didn't feel any emtions its just you didn't bust out crying, I don't think you should worry about it, of all things HE should understand where your coming from, I'm sorry he's being pissy just tell him his baby loves him lol
happy weekend!!!
I'm not asking for wife of the year or anything, but his 3rd shift schedule just makes for a schedule that most don't have (and wouldn't wish on anyone).
I just am not a person that cries in public, let alone in front of a bunch of my husband's coworkers and other law enforcement types (2 guys from the FBI were sitting next to me). It's not like it was an environment where I could have just had a "moment".
Thanks for understanding! I sometimes feel like I'm in my own little world and that gets a bit lonely.
I am a wife of a cop, and know all about spending nights home alone. For instance last night he got called in for OT and he took it, He said he felt really bad for having to leave me home alone. And I wanted to reply" Don't worry I'm used to it" But realized that's just mean and kept my mouth shut! I'm not "used" to it I just "deal" with it. It's always hard but I love my husband and he really enjoys and loves what he does. And I support that. As a cops wife I will never be used to the fact every day he goes to work to risk his life.
Anyway I've been to something similar to what you are talking about but it was only like 2-3 hours long. Like you, I don't like crying in front of people so I didn't. Where there some really sad parts? Yes!
Your husband may have been a little miss informed on what was going to be discussed but it sounds like it was pretty important to him for the both of you to be there. So it is what it is... It's over and done with and you were there for him that's what really matters. Just because you didn't show any emotion right then and there doesn't make you a bad person nor doesn't it give him a reason to be upset with you.
For me, It's very important that my husband "run to me" if something terrifying, traumatic, life threatening ect. ect. happens at work. I want him to feel like I'm his best friend, that he can trust me and that he knows I'll listen to him at ANY time of day he wants to talk about something. I can't tell you how many nights he comes home at 3,4,5 am and has something to tell me, despite being half asleep, I listen I ask questions and most important I show that I care.
Once you show him that he can not "run to you" that he can't vent to you that you don't "care" about something he wants to share with you, you close off a part of him and he will find someone else to share these feelings with (I'm not necessarily talking another woman. Just not you, his wife) or worse he'll keep them to himself.. and that's not good for anyone. They see SO much on just one nights work they need someone to vent to!
While this seminar for you was long and perhaps seemed one sided and ect... Just remember you were right there sitting by your husbands side for the entire thing and that is whats important. I think your missing one important thing, "Spousal support" That is why you were there. It wasn't about you. It was about you being there for something that was important to HIM.
Pick and choose your fights this one is silly... Even if he over reacted to you not showing emotion. Just let it go, I hope you both talk this over and say your apologizes and move on.
It is easy to feel on your own, and like no one understands (well because they don't unless they are married to a cop also) But I really suggest befriending some of your husbands work buddies, wives. I'm friends with and good handful of them and on weekends the guys work we do dinner or something just get together and catch up. It's really nice to have a relationship with them because sometimes they are experiencing exactly what you are.
His department is a bit different..they are small and the officers that are married--I have nothing in common with them besides what our husbands do for a living. None of them came to yesterday's event--only other departments' spouses. My husband is also the only 3rd shift officer and is the only one that is alone on his shift (this makes no sense to me, but budget cuts are budget cuts and those with seniority won't work 3rd shift). He has other officer friends that aren't on the department, but their wives don't work, cook, take care of their own children or clean and are basically badge bunnies, so no support there. The only one that kind of gets it, is my friend who is married to a 3rd shift medical examiner. It's a whole different world and I love my husband dearly, but it's definitely a lifestyle.
Thanks for responding! It would be nice to be around some other officer wives sometimes that "get it".
All of this exactly. Except I tend to cry easily in front of others. But the rest of it I could have typed out myself.
Being married to a police officer is definitely not easy!
I'm sorry to hear that you don't have anything in common with the other wives because they really could be a great support system for you. My husband works for a smaller department but not nearly as small as yours sounds. Mine works in a bad area, known for being on the news nightly..
Feel free to PM me any time!
I'm going to try and find this poem not sure if you heard it before, but my husband gave it to me about 2 1/2yrs ago and I liked it so much it's been hanging on my fridge ever since and in some strage way it actually makes me smile when I'm having one of these days.
A cop's wife is a woman who is married to a man who is "married" to his job, his partner, and his badge. A cop's wife can usually be found cooking breakfast at midnight, picking up his uniform at the cleaners, and spending nights alone.
A cops wife must be a good listener, not questioning him. She must be understanding when he goes our for a beer with his buddies, doesn't feel like taking her to the movies, or has an exam to study for.
A cop's wife must live with shift work, lonely holidays, bad jokes, ulcers and alcohol, bulletproof vests, and fixed incomes. She is used to words like rape, robbery, assault, and child abuse. She is familiar with night school, stakeouts, overtime and being on her own.
Most women are not born or raised to be a cop's wife; it is something that they have chosen to do. Some can and others cannot. She will spend each day learning, listening to, and loving a man that few people respect and most others hate.
A cop's wife mans beds, breakfasts, and love to a man who spends more time with junkies, hookers, informants, pimps, and partners than he does her. She attends dinners, meetings, and sometimes funerals.
A cop's wrife watches as the man she loves grows old before his time, watches him become cold and unfeeling, but she will remain his friend, wife and lover. She will always be these things to him, but she also knows he is first, A COP.
When a wife kisses him as he leaves for work, she will make a slient wish that he will return to her. And everytime there is a knock at the door, she will pray it is not the Chief of Police and her husbands partner coming to say kind things about her husband, how brave he was, how dedicated he was.
Being a cop's wife means lots of trust, love, and worry, but when he says, "I love you," it makes it all worthwhile.
Feel free to PM me any time!
I'm going to try and find this poem not sure if you heard it before, but my husband gave it to me about 2 1/2yrs ago and I liked it so much it's been hanging on my fridge ever since and in some strage way it actually makes me smile when I'm having one of these days.
Thanks! Feel free to message me anytime...I'm not always this whiny, I swear!
His department is really small, but it borders the really horrible metro area, so he gets a lot of spillover from there. He is also a firearms instructor, so other departments request him for backup because he is very respected by other officers. I think no matter what area an officer works in, just what they do puts them in contact with people I don't want any contact with.
When I got home from work tonight, I asked if he was still upset about last night. He said no and that he felt bad for making me so upset. He then said he was glad I was there to share my pregnancy snacks with him in the afternoon since there were no snacks offered. I said I was sorry for being snippy--I just was expecting a different style of seminar and since I participate in a lot of workshops and coordinate some for work I had a different notion of what to expect in my head and I don't know if I was really the intended audience for the speaker. It wasn't that I don't take his job seriously or the dangers of his job, because I do...then I showed him all my journal entries that I write while he is at work.
So, all is good--we both were probably having an off day. I appreciate all the advice, wisdom and just reading long entries in general--especially when they aren't about anything related to babies.
Happy to hear you guys talked it over! Everyone has them off days every now and then we are all human... The important part was that you touched back on the topic and you both realized your own faults.
Many couples will just go about there next day pretending an argument never happened but that never resolves the issue..
Glad you enjoyed the poem
I was lurking from June and saw this. I'm a cop married to a cop. I'm glad the two of you have reconciled, but I hope it isn't the end of the discussion. I agree you should have very open and honest conversations with your husband and work to not compartmentalize or hide your feelings around him. I've been through a lot of PTSD heartache recently. My brother was also a cop and attempted suicide earlier this year by firearm. It is by the grace of God he will be fine (physically) and is getting help for his PTSD. I'm not a person to cry in front of others, but it has happened a lot this year. Yesterday I bawled my eyes out in a courtroom full of my fellow officers while listening to a friend of mine describe how PTSD from being shot 4 years ago has completely ruined his life. I'm not telling you this to scare you into thinking your husband is going to go off the deep end. These were both extreme cases but have far-reaching effects in addition to how they have affected my life personally.
I would encourage your husband to talk to a counselor. His department should have an Employee Assistance Program that he can use anonymously. I work in a city of a half million and understand bad calls, as I've had my share of them. Sometimes they just pile up on you. My husband and I have the luxury of going home to some one who knows exactly how the other feels, yet, I've still been to a psychologist on a couple of occasions to get my head straight. (Interesting thing I learned this year, if you have some one else in your family with PTSD, you're more likely to experience it. My dad and brother both have it.) Most counselors are more than happy to have spouses or even other family members come in, too.
My biggest stressor at home is our lack of time together. We work at different departments and have completely different shifts. That part I understand, and it sucks. We do our best to schedule quality time together and make the most of our vacations together, but sometimes, it still just sucks.
My advice about the news is either 1) don't watch it or 2) recognize that if something bad were to happen, you would notified before you saw it on the news. Have you read "I love a cop"? I haven't, but I've heard from many sources it can be very helpful to spouses.
If I can be of any help, please feel free to PM me.
Thanks for reading and responding! I'm lucky that we both talk a lot about everything. If anything, I put the tough girl act on a lot just because that's been my role throughout my whole life.
I'm very sorry to hear of the PTSD in your family. The seminar was informative in the way that I realized that it's really more prevalent than people want to talk about. My husband's department doesn't have EAP, but there are other resources in our area that aren't affiliated with the department.
That's amazing that you are a cop married to a cop! Some people get really upset at us because we can't attend every event because of scheduling, so I can't imagine what your schedules look like. The holidays are always touchy because family don't always understand why we can't be at things. I think the lack of time spent together is also our biggest stressor as well as it seems that almost every off day he ends up getting called in.
I haven't read the book, but my husband bought it for me a couple of months ago. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond and enjoy the rest of your weekend!