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Adoption
BeetleLinz1125
member
Sort of Adoption related: Custody of DH's 15 YO sister
BeetleLinz1125
member
in Adoption
So I thought I would try to get some advice from anyone on this board who has dealt with getting custody of a 15yo. She is my husbands sister (see my post on 6-9 months for a better description of the story) and due to her getting in trouble, it was either go to juvenille hall or come live with us. She has a lot of issues because their mother passed away 2 years ago and she has been living with her dad and stepmom, who has not been supportive of her at all. So my question is, has anyone fostered or gained custody of a teenager? Any advice for me? I talked to her last night about what kind of expectations we have of her and what her expectations are of us...I feel like it's unfair to bring her here without her knowing what we expect of her and vice versa. DH and I have wanted this for a long time, and feel that it is a good thing she is with us, so she finally has an environment that helps her instead of just hurting her. Any advice? I'm really happy, but really scared.
TIA.
April 2, 2011
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Re: Sort of Adoption related: Custody of DH's 15 YO sister
No advice, but I think it's fantastic you were able to be there for her. I love the idea of you guys sitting down and discussing expectations on both sides. Have you considered counseling? That might help.
Definitely. Part of her probation is that she must attend, so I am going to call the counselor and see if we can get a "family session."
Definitely. Part of her probation is that she must attend, so I am going to call the counselor and see if we can get a "family session."
I agree with the counseling... and I encourage you or you dh to attend each session with her- not that one of you is in the session the whole time but for at least part of it. That way you can make sure the couselor knows whats *really* happening at home...
introduce yourself to the counselor at school- also get emails for all teachers and send them all an email- letting them know you are part of the "team" and to contact you at any point for anything. if her school has a website you can check grades- get that log in and check regualrly.
Keep in mind- this isn't a vacation- so don't let her get away with something now, thinking it will change as she gets more settled- call her on it right away, letting her know thats not how things are done in your home...
Good luck- we have a 15yr old non-relative foster placement, so I know a bit of what you will go thru.
Good to have this information from another person who has a 15yo placed in their home...I appreciate it! She definitely knows this is not a vacation...She knows she will have daily chores, bedtimes, etc. She knows this is not a place to just "hang out" but she will be a contributing memeber of the family. But I will make sure I start her off today knowing she isn't going to get away with stuff--I do tend to be someone who likes to give an adjustment period, but on second thought I should have her come into our home and begin things the way they are supposed to be...
My husband and I adopted a young man in 2009 @ the age of 14. He just recently turned 17 and though it has not been easy it has been worth every fight and bad attitude.
Our son would not go to counseling no matter how hard we tried and we dealt with a lot of issues of him not opening up to us. Though must of this has passed we still have days when he shuts us out which is hard but we know in time he will let us know what is bothering him and how we can help and usually he does.
I wish you all the best with her and know she must be greatdful to have a safe place to call home.
The biggest issue I sometimes run into is our age difference. I am only 25 and hubby is 28 and our son is 17 you do the math. This is sometimes hard because I don't really have any other experience of being a parent or dealing with children. But we take it all one day at a time.
I know you posted a while ago now and I hope things are going well for you.
Last April we gained guardianship of my husband's 17 year old sister bc of a million little things and the straw that broke the camel's back being that she ran away from home for a week, stayed w a 20something boyfriend, didn't show up for school, etc. My husband drove from GA to MI and showed up at his house (we got a tracking device on her phone) to "chat" with her and she knew the jig was up.
It has NOT been easy. We had hoped, originally, that a change of scene, a fresh start, would be all she needed to make a change. We hoped she'd run with it and embrace the opportunity. Instead, she has fought us every step of the way. We have good and bad days (sometimes weeks...) and have had to adjust our goals along the way. I *think* we're in a good place now but approaching her 18th birthday is SCARY. Because at that point, she really can just say "Screw you all," and leave. Then there's nothing much more we can do, at least legally. IF this does not end positively, at least we tried something, gave her as much as we could while we could and did what we thought was best for her. Hopefully, someday, she'll realize that. I hope it's sooner than later!
Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to.
M/C at 11w4d April 06
Braden Cooper born March 07
Keegan Riley born Nov 08
Caleb Zachary born May 11
Hoping to adopt a daughter in the next few years!