I need your help. Especially BGG or achase...

fromthewomb · December 2011

DD's BD has a restraining order against him from me. Due to him breaking and entering my parents house while drunk, and multiple other offenses. He is not on the BC, but his father begged to see DD so BD has been meeting up with DD and I on a somewhat regular basis for a few hours a week.

I was told by the victims advocate in my state, that as long as I don't report the violation, the visits with BD are okay, but if I choose to report him, he will be punished and not me. I have been (very stupid I know) meeting up with him to try and avoid court costs which will burden my family since I do not have the financial standing for the thousands of dollars these hearings require.

All was well until he brought the girl he has cheated on my with while we were married (we got the marriage annulled before DD was born) to Santa pictures with DD. I was so mad and hurt, I told him I didn't think I was comfortable meeting this week. His father calls me and starts criticizing me saying I am just as bad as he is, etc. I hang up the phone after I hear BD, his HW and entire family mocking me in the background.

I need an attorney. And advice. Please help me. I have created a terrible mess and I am so scared for my DD. Their house is filled with books and movies about rape, murder and cannibalism as well as over a hundred deadly weapons and grotesque "art." I cannot handle it if my miracle of a child has to go there.

I feel physically ill and incredibly stupid to believe that kindness would make him realize we can figure out how to be a family. Even a separated one...

BMenz · December 2011

You need to fess up to this and you're going to have to tell them "I said it was ok, I agreed to this, he shouldn't be punished."

You're just in the wrong as he is and you'll have to take it from there and deal with your karma that will be coming your way

eta: you also need to tell them what the victims advocate told you. that is NOT alright for them to do. IMO, unethical.

BostonGayGal · December 2011

What do you think he is going to do? It will take a long time for him to go to the court and establish paternity, and only then can he seek visitation, so things will likely cool off for a bit. Wait and see before you do too much freaking out. My advice will depend upon what happens next. Are you fearing that he will come after you, or that he will seek visitation through the court?

Some thoughts:

Victim witness advocates are sometimes foolish azzhats who think they can dole out legal advice but usually screw it up.

For now, obey the order as you should have been doing all along. No visits, no contact.

You need to change the restraining order to a 'no abuse' order' if there is such a thing in your state because telling a judge that you live in fear of someone, then surreptitiously disobeying the order and meeting him destroys your credibility. You particularly want to do this promptly if he seeks to establish paternity because you will want to have rebuilt some of your credibility by the time a judge is ever considering visitation (if it ever comes to that).

If the visitation issue is ever in front of the judge you are going to have to show actual safety risks to your child such as weapons being unsafely stored.

If ever in front of a judge on the issue of the restraining order, visitation, or custody, your child's father will now tell the court, and your attorney will likely tell you, that you need to be honest about it even though it will be hard.

In terms of the hearings costing thousands, I think you are making excuses. He would have had to seek to establish paternity. You would have been able to rest easy until he surmounted that hurdle and then got to the visitation issue, months later. Or you could have sought to modify the restraining order, for free.

*****

"I feel physically ill and incredibly stupid to believe that kindness would make him realize we can figure out how to be a family. Even a separated one... "

Don't pull this Mother Theresa baloney. You didn't get yourself in this situation through kindness; you got here by your deceit. Now, you are taking responsibility for it and that is a good thing. But don't fool yourself.

achase123 · December 2011

I'm going to defer to BGG's explanation regarding the legalities of it all because I cannot give advice in that arena.

It sounds to me like you're being manipulated by BD's father, badly. You need to get to a place where you do NOT care what he thinks, or the rest of BD's family. They are not your family any longer and they don't have you or DD's best interests in mind. It sounds like they are a sick, twisted lot that you should stay far, far away from.

Cut off contact with BD's father and the rest of his family. You need to do what's best for your DD.

peeps61308 · December 2011

BostonGayGal:

What do you think he is going to do? It will take a long time for him to go to the court and establish paternity, and only then can he seek visitation, so things will likely cool off for a bit. Wait and see before you do too much freaking out. My advice will depend upon what happens next. Are you fearing that he will come after you, or that he will seek visitation through the court?

Some thoughts:

Victim witness advocates are sometimes foolish azzhats who think they can dole out legal advice but usually screw it up.

For now, obey the order as you should have been doing all along. No visits, no contact.

You need to change the restraining order to a 'no abuse' order' if there is such a thing in your state because telling a judge that you live in fear of someone, then surreptitiously disobeying the order and meeting him destroys your credibility. You particularly want to do this promptly if he seeks to establish paternity because you will want to have rebuilt some of your credibility by the time a judge is ever considering visitation (if it ever comes to that).

If the visitation issue is ever in front of the judge you are going to have to show actual safety risks to your child such as weapons being unsafely stored.

If ever in front of a judge on the issue of the restraining order, visitation, or custody, your child's father will now tell the court, and your attorney will likely tell you, that you need to be honest about it even though it will be hard.

In terms of the hearings costing thousands, I think you are making excuses. He would have had to seek to establish paternity. You would have been able to rest easy until he surmounted that hurdle and then got to the visitation issue, months later. Or you could have sought to modify the restraining order, for free.

*****

"I feel physically ill and incredibly stupid to believe that kindness would make him realize we can figure out how to be a family. Even a separated one... "

Don't pull this Mother Theresa baloney. You didn't get yourself in this situation through kindness; you got here by your deceit. Now, you are taking responsibility for it and that is a good thing. But don't fool yourself.

Suck it up and start abiding by the protection order. What his family did "to" you was mean and uncalled for but honestly, they don't owe you anything for being so gracious as to disregard the protection order.

When I was working as a road deputy, I HATED dealing with protection orders because of exactly what you did. People get the orders, then hang out and when the person pisses off the person with the protection order, they call the police to report the violation. Happens all the time!

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