- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
January 2011 Moms
MarSamWhitney
member
WWYD? NBR *long
MarSamWhitney
member
My cousin K has a 15 year old daughter named L. L had a lump on her breast removed when she was 14, and goes for an MRI every 3 months to make sure nothing comes back, etcc. It was a very hard time for everyone. Since then, L does not give a crap about anything. She attempted to run away. Pretended to go to school, but ended up in a not so nice part of Detroit, just asking to get raped and killed. L will NOT go to school, she has not been in 3 weeks now. K and her H feel like they can?t physically make her. From what K says, she is not being bullied or anything, although she did have a falling out with some friends. L just basically tells K she doesn?t want to go to school, she wants to get her GED. They have been to a therapist 3 times, most recently Monday. Therapist says they should compromise, and enroll L in online courses or something, but L has to go to school in the meantime. That is not working. Therapist says she needs a psychologist and possibly a mild anti depressant, they can not get in until mid Jan.
L will be at the family Christmas party this weekend, do I say something? I am not sure how much L knows that I know. I want to knock some sense in her, but if this is some sort of depression stemming from the cancer scare- maybe I am being insensitive.
What would you do? Mind my own business? I am just very close to K, and she is distraught day in and day out that her daughter is throwing her future away.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWYD? NBR *long
I know, I'm passive aggressive too. lol. I want to give her advice or let her know she can talk to me if she needs to. Maybe I could just say the last part and let her say something if she wants.
If she (the daughter) wants to talk to youabout it, go for it, but ffs don't launch into a teenager about how she's such aburden on her poor mother or some sh*t.
FFS- at 15 I know that I would have talked more to an older cousin than I would have to my parents any day. I don't know if her not wanting to go to school is due to depression, or just being a teenager and not wanting to go. I greatly feel for her mother, as K feels like she is a total and utter failure of a parent, and it breaks my heart. If I can do something or lend some support, you can bet your a** I would do so.
I know my teenage son is sometimes much more willing to talk about things with someone besides mom or dad. Usually he just lets it spill out without them having to ask. I try to surround him with adults that I am comfortable with him talking to - my parents, his youth leaders at church ,etc.
I've also had tweens/teens that I have worked with in church groups want to talk about things that they don't want to talk to mom and dad about. Nothing as major as what L is going through.
I would start a casual coversation with L and see if it leads anywhere. She may jump right in and 'spill the beans' or you may get the normal teenage grunts. Just let her know that you are there for her.
Broc - I usually totally agree with you, but I have to disagree here. I think MarSam has the daughter's interests at heart here and not just her moms. And, done the right way, I believe she can show her that. I think some teens rebel as a cry for help if they know it or not. There is no harm to be done for MarSam to let her know she is there for her. And, now I will butt out.
How would she know? If Mar doesn't say anything to her the girl will not know that she is there for her, she may not know that she wants to support her and help her. You cannot just assume someone is there for you. Depression is a terrible thing and I have had way to much experience with this in my life-time. I have seen what happens when people just take the back seat and do not talk about it. While the person I knew committed suicide i'm not saying that will be this case but it is important to let a person know you are there for them. (By speaking up.)
My comment would have been. In my family we usually are blunt about things and I think it would depend on how your family usually handles these topics. I would defeinitly say something but think about how you want to approach it. A sympathetic friend or a second mother-type who wants answeres and to help. (Could use better wording.) But yes, say something even if it is just to let her know that you are there if she ever wants to talk about school, friends, her future anything.
I agree Beth!!!
FFS people!!
I would let her know you are there for her and care about her. I was a "troubled youth"... and I would have really appreciated someone who offered their friendship and ear. I think all kids, especially the "bad" ones need to know that people care for them. That said, there are other ways to get your high school diploma besides a high school. Can she go to an alternative school or home school? She apparently needs more structure than the online course can provide...but I wouldn't push a standard high school experience if she is struggling with depression...
Thanks for the advice everyone, I appreciate it from all sides. I am definitely going to approach her when we can be alone. I think I will just say something along the lines of hearing that she hasn't been in school, and if she needs to talk I am here.
We are a pretty close family, and I feel like I can't stand by.
Marsam, your niece is lucky to have such a caring Aunt like yourself. Anyone could just stand their and let her spin out of control. I know I would approach her...if she responds then I would continue to talk to her about it. Now I wouldn't sit there and preach to her.
Broc, it bothers me that you think Marsam should mind her own business. She obviously cares and wants to help. I don't think I could sit back and watch someone I love do that to themselves.
All of this! I don't know anyone here that could possibly think MarSam would be an insentive ass to anyone, especially a family member she obviously cares deeply about.
Also if she's seen a therapist a few times and he isn't seeing any glaring signs here and only offering the possibility of a MILD antidepressant. I don't think you are going to push her over any deep end. I think 90% of people out there could probably use a mild antidepressant.
I actually see about one teenager a week on my unit that has tried to commit suicide. Every single one of them is desparately seeking someone to talk to. They are always open with me when I sit, talk to them and show concern. Maybe it's easier to open up to a stranger, but I think they're just looking for anyone who cares for and respects them.
I can't imagine as a teenager just walking up to any adult and discussing my problems, but I know I would have loved to have one of them ask me or listen to me. I totally think you should ask. I also think you should be completely honest with her. Tell her that her mom is really concerned about HER not about school or drugs or whatever else, just her. Make sure she knows you'll only share what she wants shared. Honestly I still use my sister as a mediator to my parents. Maybe she needs somebody to help them explain how they can help her, KWIM?
Good luck hun! Let us know how it turns out. I hope things get better for her. Sorry for the rambling!
I'm not saying MarSam should ignore her or shouldn't talk to her about it at all ever. This is in the context of a holiday party where everyone is cognizant of her issues, which means that everyone else there will be trying to alternately be there for and knock sense into her. Do you not remember the parties where everyone took the chance individually to ask you about, say, your wedding, and how absolutely tedious that gets? Now, imagine it's how you're spiraling out of control and you can talk to them about anything.
One of the best things MarSam could do, imo is to let her niece breathe and talk to her about her interests, politics, whatever (unless she starts the conversation about it, obviously). Then, you can e-mail, call, text her on the topics you discussed to keep that line of communication open. She'll feel way more at ease talking to you that way, and more likely to open up on real topics in the future.