- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Pre-School and Daycare
ArcticFox
member
Struggling.. any tips?
ArcticFox
member
My DH is not around much at all. He just finished his MBA, which entailed 1.5 years of not only working full time, but going to classes and working on projects all the time. I was lucky if I saw him a couple hours a week.
Now DH is done with his MBA, but he has to work overtime, he is also trying to start his own business. He's pretty much still always busy. I'd say we spend a chunk of family time together on weekends, and some dinners, but it is never really down time (like we're cooking dinner, going to an event, shopping, etc - never relaxing at home).
so.. a) I'm completely stressed. I basically watch the kids 24/7, because even if DH is helping, it is like we are making dinner or we are each taking care of a kid (like one puts one to bed, another gives a bath). Bottom line - I'm rarely away from the kids, and my 2 year old is kind of 'wild',so it doesn't let me do much with my 4.5 year old and I feel like it's causing friction with my 4 year old. Like no, we can't do painting right now, we can't bake cookies, etc etc (b/c the 2 year old goes nuts and makes a mess, she has a peanut allergy, etc).
and b) When DH IS around, the kids get out of control. My 4.5 year old is on her worst behavior, like jumping on DH when he tells her not too, and then he ends up yelling at her and they are both in a funk. I'm bummed that the little amount of time they have together, it always seems to end in a mess.
Any suggestions? I'm trying to spend quality time with my 4.5yo while my 2yo naps, but it is very limited time and I'm exhausted. Any ideas on how to get her to just calm down when she hangs out with daddy? Is this normal, to sort of 'act out' - trying to get attention?
I feel like I can't win - I'm alone with the kids 24/7 and stressed, and wish DH could help - but then when DH is home it stresses me out because they all drive me nuts. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Struggling.. any tips?
Can you get the kids in a mother's day out program? You NEED a break, and honestly, they may need a break from you, too. I feel like when DD and I are around each other all the time I lose my effectiveness with her. She doesn't listen because I'm all she hears. As far as the kids acting out with your DH, he's got to figure that one out. My DH has short patience, too, and it bugs me that he runs out of patience 10 minutes after he gets home when I've been with her all day. I can ask him to be more patient, but he's got to figure that out on his own.
Hang in there, but please find some time for you. You'll be an even better mom if you've had some you time!
I would try and find a MDO program, so you can get one on one time with the older child, and a break from both children.
Hang in there, I'm sorry you are so stressed out.
That sounds really stressful, and I agree with pp's about finding a moms group.
On the issue of DD1 jumping on your H when he gets home ... I would try suggesting that he take 5 minutes in the car to relax before he gets in the house, and then that he take 5 minutes to take DD1 on a walk or to read a book to her or somehow give her some one-on-one time. The relaxation for your H may seem annoying (your the one who needs the alone time!), I think sometimes it can be a big shift when you go from the stress of work to the craziness of home. I've walked into that before and felt like, "Sheesh! I worked all day and now this!" But of course when I'm the one at home I think, "You've been working all day, you should have patience for these kids!"
#1 - you need to figure out how to get a break for yourself - MDO/PT daycare, a class for your older (or younger one), Mother's Helper, etc. You need a break for them and they need a break from you.
#2 re your DH - I would suggest he try to find a way to find some kind of special way he can spend quality time w/ your older DD when he first comes home. I know its the hardest thing to do - and I'm sure when he comes home all he wants to do it relax, but your DD is obviously really craving his attention and she'll get whatever way she can. Take PP's suggestion to go for a walk or even if she helps him unload his car, or the two of them have a special daddy daughter snack they make when he comes home - SOMETHING special that's just for her and that's immediately when he comes home. It doesn't need to be long (seriously 5-10 minutes will probably be more than enough) but he needs to be 100% focused on her - and that can set the tone for the rest of the night.
I agree with the above. You need some you time, and your dd needs some 1on1 time with both of you. This is what works for us:
My gym has a babysitting room, I workout every day not because I love to workout, but because I get 1 hour a day without my blessings. We also joined a playgroup, which is close enough to me time for me at least. The kids all play, and the moms all talk. It is a small group of 4 kids, so it isn't crazy. We rotate whose house we have it at, so it is never a burden. Occasionally, one of us will leave the child to run an errand etc. I also enforce quiet time. Dd2 takes a nap and dd1 gets a few stories, then in her room quietly doing something for 30-45 minutes. Then we have special mommy/dd1 time till dd2 wakes up. Dd2 is a super napper, so it has worked nicely.
When my dh gets home, he takes both kids into our room and asks them about their days while he changes. It isn't much but they all seem to enjoy it, and they cluster around him as soon as he comes home anyway.
GL
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.... I know how you feel though.
I work 7am-12:30 and DH works 1-10pm. We literally high five each other while we cross paths and that's it.
He has 1-2 days off every 6 days, so we see each other in the afternoon/evening on those days, but like you said....he is then busy doing stuff he needs to do on his time off.
I made a rule that one day per week we have to have "family time". We order pizza or go get take out (so we aren't spending time cooking or cleaning up). And when dh gets the urge to "do something", I remind him it is our time as a family together and the lawn will always need cutting, the floor need cleaning, etc.
As far as you feeling overwhelmed with the kids (since you are always there for them), you need to get them or at least the older one in some sort of program. DS is almost 4 and he does gymnastic once a week. It is only 45 minutes, but it gives me that time alone (my only time alone for the week ...other than driving to and from work). Are there any programs available for your kids?
~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
My IF blog
I was in the same boat as you, DH not home alot and when he was home, he was either sleeping (worked graveyard), or in such stressful mood it made ME stressed then stressed out LO. What i did was join a gym. If you can afford it just that 1 1/2 hours to myself helped out plus LO got to play with other kids. I know gyms can be expensive but i only paid 25$ a month with daycare for mine, If you shop around it can be done. I hope this helps.
Also i didnt have anyone to ask for help. All family lived in different states.