How to tell 3.5 year old?

sarahscott · December 2011

We told our daughter about the pregnancy at 8 weeks. I lost the baby yesterday at 11 weeks. We are heartbroken. Does anyone have any advice on how to tell her?

Thank you.

Sarah

8daysaweek · December 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Our DD is only 20 months so I don't have any direct experience with this but I remember seeing a children's book called "We were expecting a baby and we got an angel instead." Depending on your beliefs, maybe you could use that kind of dialogue? Something like "We have something to tell you. Remember when we told you mommy was going to have a baby? Well, we thought the baby was going to come live with us but instead he's going to go live in heaven and be an angel. We're sad because we really wanted the baby to be here with you and Mommy and Daddy and it's okay if you're sad too." And then let her guide the conversation from there? I think that would put it in terms she could understand, especially if she's been exposed to the idea of angels or heaven but not to the concept of death yet.

I think with kids a lot of the time we think they need something different than what we need to grieve but they really don't. She needs it explained in terms she can handle, of course but other than that she just needs reassurance that it's okay to be sad or even mad or confused and maybe that you and your H and she are okay and are going to stay with her.

I'm sorry you have to do this, I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

kmrambert · December 2011

I dont have children myself, but I imagine you could say something like:

You know how we told you you were going to have a baby brother or sister? Well we're going to have to wait a little while longer till that happens.

And leave it at that if possible. I dont know if your daughter is the inquisitive type, or the one to just say okay and move on about her business, so hopefully this will help at least a little.

Im sorry for your loss. Remember to take care of yourself. ((Hugs))

sarahscott · December 2011

Thank you very much for your responses. I really appreciate it.

meagamomma2be · December 2011

I was just about to post this same question. I found out yesterday that the baby stopped growing 3 weeks ago. I'm sure our DDs will take it better than we think. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

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