Hard Times..(long)

I am rather crazy, but here are my thoughts anyways.

I've been reading this thread and wondering to myself what these people would do if they were dealing with more than just anxiety attacks when their child cries...but at the same time, I can't really imagine not being able to handle Merralee if she's upset. My problems seems so much bigger than that, but in truth they're really not.. not to the other person, at least. Caught up in our own worlds, do we really know what's going on around us..? Well anyways... here's my story.

At 17 years old, I was impregnated by my spouse of 31..drugs were involved and we were madly in love after that. We were living in a converted school bus at the time, on his mother's property. Ryan asked me for a baby and I agreed, having always wanted one. We were living in the bus by choice, mind you. He promised me a full life and said he'd provide for me during the pregnancy and up until I found a job afterwards... I believed him, silly me. Well, you could imagine my shock and surprise when he told me, after getting me pregnant, he was still married to his wife, who had left him in 2004. In fact, I was furious; divorce her or I'm leaving... hell no, I would have never conceived a child with a married man. Well, Ryan convinced me he had gotten the divorce (I didn't ask to see papers, I believed him once again)... but by this point, he asked me for an abortion.

After a long discussion, I finally agreed to this abortion; if he didn't want our child, there was no way I could do this alone. (all drugs and cigarette smoking stopped cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant, fyi)... right after that, though, he continued on about how it was like with his son being a baby and learning how to crawl.. yes, I flipped out. Went to leave, but he got into his car and cut me off out the driveway. Illegally and stupidly cutting him off down the road, I didn't make a sharp corner... you bet.. crash. I almost lost my life in that crash.. it wasn't that I was hurt, or that baby was hurt, it was that if I hadn't hit the truck in this man's yard, the only other places I could go was off a hundred foot cliff, or into his house.. which would have killed the both of us... Little to say, I was lucky.

I think that was when I realized what was going on.. when he drove past me after I had just crashed. (later, driving past that spot, there was no way he could have not seen me).. nor did he seem surprised when I called him up and told him I had gotten in a car crash. Soon after he lost his job, leaving me to get a part-time one at Subway that did not last long(won't even put it on my resume)...after all that though, I moved to Missouri from Washington State.. moved in with family I really didn't know that well, though they were highly supportive and still are.

Once again I was seriously debating abortion (this time though, I was going to hang myself after getting the abortion.. I was in a very, very dark place), knowing I couldn't go through with the pregnancy and then give my baby up.. so adoption was not an option. After all the appointments and even having a new boyfriend that would pay for it.. I went in. The appointments took about a week to set up... I was one week past not being able to get the abortion. I figured it wasn't meant to be and that my angel, my miracle, growing inside of me.. saved my life. Literally. 

After all this, I decided I needed my friends and family back home, so went to visit for the holidays and ended up staying there when, yes indeedy, I got back in touch with Ryan. Right before New Years I moved back in with him, attempting a roommate type thing, rather than a relationship type thing. ...let me explain something here though. Ryan and I have always had this unconfined passion for one another.. it's hard to explain, so that's the best I can come up with. Really, uncontrollable passion, we just can't help it. I dunno. Getting back on track: Ryan had found a job on Orcas Island, off the coast of WA, at the Orcas Island Hotel where he became chef. It was all a little too dreamy. Living on an island, stay-at-home mom with the man I loved so much. I was able to go on hikes, garden, eat organic food (on the island, it's more expensive to get the stuff pumped up with crap.. 'cause it has to go over the ferry. Most of the grocery was from island farmers)... and the crime rate there? There really wasn't any. 

However, Ryan started, when I moved in, to introduce me to say.. waiters at a restaurant, as his wife. (I went into the bathroom once, for instance, and he didn't realize it.. came back in and asked, "do you know where my wife went?").. Then he'd tell me about it. What's so wrong with that, you might ask? Nothing, except he said he'd never marry me (still think he's divorce at this point)... so it hurt, badly. Like any disney girl I grew up dreaming of my wedding, too. Finally I asked him to stop, because it did hurt. Despite a few arguments, everything went pretty smoothly up until the birth. 

So, moving in, I called his crush on this girl he worked with, Tara.. I thought it was cute at the time. He had gotten absolutely furious that I was poking fun, so I let it drop. Right around the birth of our daughter, Merralee Michelle, he was starting to be extremely sketchy with his work hours and when he was coming home at night. Now, it wasn't that I wanted him to come straight home (though I did appreciate the break at night).. it was that I knew he was lying to me about working late. I'm a pretty chill person.. he can go out and have a drink at the bar or stay out with friends or whatever!.. as long as he lets me know, ya know? It was that the restaurant closed at 8:30pm.. and he wasn't coming home until midnight, because he was "working alone." I believed him, until he got me a part-time job there a few weeks after baby was born ( I couldn't just be stay-at-home mom.. I had no friends there and was going stir crazy a little bit)... 

Finally, it got too much. I could tell Ryan was cheating, but I didn't know with whom (I know numerous of you will disagree, but I'm okay with threesomes in a relationship and stuff as long as you're honest, which he knew.. he didn't have to go behind my back and lie to my face). Not to mention, his lies were good and only kept getting better. So the fights ensued. I had a one month old baby I was taking care of full time, working Mondays and Tuesdays up for 5 hours a day(he would watch baby), but I was also on call, where I would take baby in with me.. strap her into her Moby Wrap, and work ferry rushes. I was the only one that would clean the house, which I would do daily, spotless (i'm a Virgo, people.. picky about clean is what I do), dishes he would create, and all of our laundry. As well as our acreage of yard I would mow and weed (the lady before us did not keep up her yard, so it was not a walk in the park) as well as up-keep our gardens. To him though, I wasn't "doing my part" in the relationship. Or, at least that's what he convinced me of. 

After fighting so much about the cheating thing, I finally broke. He convinced me I was psycho jealous and verbally abusive.. At that point, I began to assess myself and abusive traits. I was very seriously looking into taking battering/abuse classes as well as getting myself into counseling. I didn't want to be like my mom in those attributes. 

To veer off her for just a moment: Ryan had raised his fist to me maybe once or twice "unintentionally" before the moment I'm about to talk about... when I moved back in with him, he went off about how I needed to wake him up or he'd punch me because I "scared him" when getting into bed every time. 

Finally though, I had baby in my arms when I was calmly talking to him about the situation.. how he was treating me like crap and his attitude was affecting not only me, but the baby. He once again became furious with me and approached me, fist raised, with Merralee in my arms. I freaked out and started screaming at him to get away from me and my baby. He didn't actually hit me, but I was scared. While curled into the couch crying, he started laughing at me.. said he'd never actually hit me. I wasn't so sure. 

When his son came to visit for the Summer, I took Julien down to the restaurant so he could see is dad and I could get us all some dinner.... Tara happened to working that night (this crazy *** that was *** my man when we had just had a baby, had like got my kid clothes, too. wtf?!) Either way, I had, just before going down there, told Ryan he was a liar, since he had lied to me about the closing hours moving to 9pm for the Summer, when someone else said they still closed at 8:30pm. Apparently, while leaving and wanting a kiss from the man, he refused.. for that reason. not that Tara was standing there. I was pissed and spoke up in front of his customers. "You're really going to do this, right here and right now? Because Tara is standing right there??" I got my kiss, but I went home and told him I wasn't watching his son while he was out *** some other woman, and not to be home late that night. Whether that was wrong of me or not, I don't know or care, for that matter. That was when he kicked me and our daughter out.. Telling me to pack my *** and that he didn't want me there.

Quick veer off again: Towards the end he kept telling me we weren't dating, but then would take me on dates and still me. Also, there had been a point right after baby's birth that I had gone and got my GED.. when I was supposed to go back home with him, he stopped by, then left without me.. saying he needed time. Brought me back home the next day, then didn't want me there. The 'want you'/'don't want you' thing lasted awhile.

So, I called my mother and told her to come and get me that weekend, rather than putting my name on the lease as it should have been (never really got around to it after I moved in, then again, thought I had more time, too).. asked her if I could stay with her until I can get on my feet. Here I was, having to move back to Monroe, back to the mainlands. 18 years old, no job, no savings.. and a three and a half month old baby. I was at a loss on what to do besides go to DSHS and get some help. 

After finally talking to Ryan again (I had just made a few friends right before he kicked me out, who told me two days after I moved out he had been caught making out with Tara all over the couch at their work in front of the fireplace) he told me -- after me asking who it was he was interested in, he didn't kick me out for no reason -- it was Tara. I freaked out, not gonna lie. I wish I hadn't... Told him I was going to kill him, Tara, me (yes, even the baby, though I would >never< hurt her), and every one else. (When I was younger, I was addicted to cutting, which I thought I had gotten over, but at this time, I broke.) I did in fact cut myself, which was dramatic, but I needed something at the time, some sort of instant release. I thought he didn't care, which is what made this all over-dramatic, and sent him pictures.

He called the cops. Two police officers showed up at my residence to see if I was a danger to myself or my child.. upon decided I wasn't, they left. I did not go tot he hospital, nor did I find myself under suicide watch. Finally after all that crap happened, Ryan blocked my number. Good for him, I don't blame him. I want to add here, I do realize it was not okay to threaten any lives or say what I said, period. I will not be doing it again, ever.

Nothing happened within this time except me trying to get my *** together as best as possible. Finally, though, after a few months, I found myself listening to a message on my phone.. from Ryan. A few conversations made me realize why I hate and love him.. though now I know why I ended up so insane while I was with him. I attempted to get him to see Merralee, as well as get the rest of my belongings.. but to no avail. After him not willing to pay child support outside the courts, or come and see her, I served him a paternity test and child support papers (he never signed the paternity affidavit)... He wont even come see his baby. Baffling, still to this day, I don't get it. Though of course, he can afford a lawyer (who he's prolly screwing, not gonna lie. The man is charming and persuasive) who very much said, "if you don't drop this, he want primary custody." So, he wants custody just so he doesn't have to pay child support, not because he wants our baby.

So here I am, 19 years old and in a custody battle for primary custody of my 9month old daughter, Merralee Michelle..... He's not going to win, and I love my daughter with all my heart. 

Thanks for letting me share my story. I really appreciate it. I also want to add in: there were a lot of good times with Ryan, don't get me wrong, otherwise I wouldn't have been so stupid to be with him.. I titled this "hard times" for a reason.. this is just me venting all the bad stuff so I don't explode.