Bad toddler behavior and your marriage

ironmommy · December 2011

Hi ladies. My H and I just had an argument and he finally admitted that he is still grumpy because of our daughter's bad behavior this morning ("Good morning, Lily," he said. "Where's Mama?!?" she growled. "Here's your breakfast, Lily," he said. "I don't WANT eggs," she whined." Rewind and repeat).

We find that we tend to argue a lot when our 3.5 year old is acting out -- it stresses us out, so we tend to react in negative ways toward eachother.

Obviously, this is not ideal. And of course we're working with our daughter every day to remind her to use good manners, respect, and nice words. Still, she is 3.5 and sometimes she is just a pill. I'm curious if any of you deal with a similar situation at your house. My H and I own a business together, so we work together all day, too.

AZ123 · December 2011

I'd say don't argue or discuss anything major with your 3.5 yr old is acting up. Also, laugh about it. DS1 is a total grump when he wakes up. I tell DH that he has to walk around on egg shells with him.So we make jokes about not poking the tiger. Once DS1 gets food in his belly and starts waking up, it gets better. we let DS1 eat breakfast and watch a cartoon. That helps him wake up and better than trying to battle with him about things. Morning is not the time to get on DS1's case about anything.

kmhunt11 · December 2011

We have the same problem. DD will put me in a bad mood and I'll lash out at DH. He does it, too, but not nearly as much. Last week I decided to take a much more zen approach to DD, and take some things that were driving me nuts as her telling me she needs something she's not getting. If she's super-needy in the mornings, I'm taking that to mean that she's got some anxiety about school, or needs to feel like Mommy is still going to take care of her, even with a new baby on the way. I know she can put on her own shoes, and feed herself her oatmeal, etc, but if she wants me to do it, there is probably a reason. I settled on that mindset and have been a lot less grouchy with DH. I think finding peace with having a difficult 3.5yo helped me separate how she is acting from everything else in our lives. DD acting like a monster doesn't have to ruin my day. I felt so stupid last Wednesday because I got angry with a 3yo. I was legitimately mad at someone who is little more than a baby. Hitting my reset button has helped so far.

ironmommy · December 2011

Good advice. Thanks for that. Now if I can pass it along to DH without him taking offense ...

Spin313 · December 2011

You and your husband need to make sure that your LO's behavior doesn't dictate your own. I SAH, so I deal with my 3 year olds mood swings a lot more than DH. Sometimes I have to remind him not to lose his cool just because DS is acting up...it just takes practice.

Pesky · December 2011

I find that when DH and I get together to talk about DD's behavior or DS's and strategize together about what to do, it helps. And yes, we have strategized about what to do about DD's mommy preference. Stuff like the eggs, we often leave to her -- "I'm sorry you aren't hungry for eggs but that is what is for breakfast. You don't have to eat them but there will be nothing more to eat until snack and you will likely be very hungry. But the choice is yours."

WestCoastMommy · December 2011

We have the exact same problem. DS is 3.5 and is no longer an easy child. Everything is a conflict with this kid and he wakes up cranky as hell. DH and I are so stressed out from dealing with him that it has started to show in our marriage. The last thing DH wants to do is be around a cranky child all weekend after a long work week and the last thing I want is a cranky child all weekend when I want DH to be happy to be home. DH has told me it puts him in a bad mood and I def can see it. We try and get the Grandparents to take him for at least 2hrs each weekend to give us a breather. They usually give us longer but then we just feel guilty shipping him off lol We know it will pass so we just have to weather through it but yes it does cause tension between DH and I.

redhead2466 · December 2011

Yes, this is us as well,. DD1 is a very challenging toddler, and has been a challenge since she was born. When DH gets to the end of his days off, he is dying to go back to work...mostly because of DD1, I'm afraid. DD1 is also a major daddy's girl, and makes a million demands of him all day, every day. So then when I ask of him one or two more things it's: "Everyone nags at me all day long!".

DD1 also cries a LOT (ie: way more than DD2) and that wears on him also. I find that the more we get out of the house, the better behaved DD1 is. I have recently joined a mom's group and we are usually out doing something with that 3-4 times a week and the improvement in DD1's demeanor is remarkable. It also helps me to cope with having two while on maternity leave for a year.

Another bit of advice (that I really need to take as well) is to lower your expectations. I am dealing with a 3 yr old, I cannot expect her to always do what I say, act properly, not cry etc. I think that could go a long way...not many other 3 yr olds are all that well behaved either, and it just causes all sorts of heartache when I expect mine to be.

tqsbride · December 2011

It seems to get bad always around the time that DS has his nightly meltdown after dinner. We end up quietly arguing over the best way to deal with DS's rampages. It's draining and frustrating. We try to come up with strategies when things are calm but of course DS always has a new reaction that we haven't anticipated. I don't know what the solution is, but harshly whispering to each other while DS is shrieking in time out isn't working.

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