RePost from Feb 2012 - Ungrateful?

shantalina · December 2011

After 3 miscarriages and 5 years of trying and believing I'd never have my own kids, I was so stoked when we found out I was pregnant. I was convinced that I would love everything about being a mom - including being pregnant. I was expecting to feel uncomfortable at times and I was expecting pain and I was even anticipating experiencing things I couldn't imagine.

I had no idea.

I was super sick my entire first trimester. Then, in the middle of the first trimester the back pain started and it's NEVER eased up. Constant back pain every single day. Some days it's to the point where it literally floors me. I'll get up out of bed and I won't be able to stand up straight and I will literally fall to the ground. I've called in to work more since I've been pregnant than I have in my entire life. I HATE calling in to work. Factor in the breathing problems I've been having... it gets so difficult to breathe. I have pleurisy, so not only is the baby pushing everything (including my lungs) up, but the tissue around my lungs is already inflamed making it hard to breathe, not to mention painful, in the best of circumstances.

As uncomfortable as I've been this entire pregnancy, I've pretty much kept my mouth shut the whole time because I feel like complaining about it makes me seem ungrateful. That's the last thing I want, because I'm so ecstatic about my baby and the family we're going to have - I've never been so happy about anything in my entire life. I'm far from ungrateful. But I feel like if I tell someone about my pain and discomfort they'll think I'm complaining and ungrateful. I've even avoided talking to my doctor about it for fear of hearing him say "it's normal" and then feeling like I just can't handle pregnancy.

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

FarmvilleLover · December 2011

No I don't think you're crazy or sound ungrateful. Now, if you went around biitching about the woes of pregnancy to anyone/everyone all the time, that's a different story. But the reality is that pregnancy can be hard on your body.

We went through fertility treatments to get pregnant, and I still complain about my aches and pains. Not all the time of course. But even though I'll complain sometimes, it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm 100% ecstatic and grateful to be pregnant and excited to have this baby.

Hang in there!

birdie9927 · December 2011

No, of course you're not crazy! You poor thing...that all sounds awful. You need an outlet somewhere (be it DH, family, or a close friend). I do understand trying to be strong at work; I don't complain much there because I don't like to be perceived as weak (not that that would necessarily true but it's how I feel). Take care of yourself and vent away to us....we understand!

cdymond · December 2011

Absolutely not!!

I have yet to meet a woman who can spend three months hurling up everything they try to eat, swallowing horse sized pre-natals and dealing with every other god awful symptom of pregnancy without once feeling the need to complain. That woman does not exist.

That being said, I have known women who come across as ungrateful. Like PP mentioned, they complain about every single thing, every single day, to anyone who will listen and all over FB. Those women suck. It doesn't sound like you're at all that way, or at all ungrateful - so let it out, vent away on here before you go crazy

treble_clef · December 2011

I don't think you are ungrateful at all, but I really think you need to talk to your doctor about your condition, especially if you already had health issues before you got pregnant. You might be having having some problems that require medical attention. Although it doesn't always work, there are ways to ease nausea and back pain.

Every pregnancy is different. For some people, everything seems easy...they get pregnant the first month they try, they have no morning sickness, and they have easy delivery. But for others, it can be life threatening. If you don't feel comfortable to talk to someone around you, it may be a good idea to talk to a therapist or a counselor. You are going to feel the same way once your baby is born too...If your baby doesn't stop crying at 3 in the morning, you will feel frustrated and miserable, and you are going to feel guilty for feeling that way...but you are entitled to feel frustrated and miserable not matter how long it took you to get pregnant.

I don't believe in constantly complaining to your husband and your family and friends, but you need some outlet to stay mentally healthy. I hope you feel better soon!

Kristine Schilling · December 2011

Your not ungrateful. you are having a tough PG.

severe back pain starting that early is not typical.. if it is interfearing with your life, talk to DR.

MesmrEwe · December 2011

You aren't ungrateful and you certainly aren't crazy!! You're just needing to give yourself some slack in that the expectations projected onto you aren't exactly part of the real world... I've got a SIL who projects that I'm suppose to be some happy go-lucky June Clever overjoyed over being a Mom and yada yada - can't grasp the concept that that is JUST NOT ME and forgive me for being honest about the fact that there are parts of being a Mom that I outright hate! (heck, when people ask me if I'm over being PG, they don't know how to respond when I say "no, the LO is easier to take care of this way!")

You're just being honest about what you're thinking/feeling/experiencing... On the medical stuff, you do need to open up about this stuff to your doctor so that you can have an eye kept on it. If Mommy isn't breathing right then baby isn't breathing right, so don't be afraid to talk about that with your doc!!

rcanales · December 2011

Ungrateful isn't the word I'd use. You sound like your having a rough pregnancy! My first pregnancy I seemed to have every minor thing that could happen, happen. I had plenty of pity parties. So much so I swore I'd never have another child because of it. Ha, then 6 years passed and I decided on having another. Crazy enough, this pregnancy has been a breeze compared to my first one. Other than being exhausted and having a tummy that sticks straight out, I don't even feel pregnant. I'm still not a fan of pregnancy, but hey, what can ya do? It'd be a selfish act to have a surrogate just so I didn't have to experience pregnancy, and there are no incubators, so as stinky as it is we have to tough it out - some of us being more miserable than others!

I hope the last 10 weeks lighten up for you, though! Once you hold the baby it all goes away!

kthappy76 · December 2011

I have also been through infertility and loss and now a difficult pregnancy (we nearly lost our twins and I've been on bed rest for four mos.). The reality is that no matter what you have to go through (or for many, not go through) to get here, pg can be very difficult and that can be esp difficult to deal with if you weren't expecting it or had an idealized view of what it would be like. I doubt you are ungrateful, but if I were you I'd be aware of the impact your complaining has on others and what you are trying to achieve. If you need to vent, I'd keep that to your DH and close F&F who know what you are going through. It bugs me to no end when ppl think FB is the best place to express these feelings. If you need help, ask for it, that is much more productive than complaining. If you have medical issues or feel like what's happening is not normal, your OB is best equipped to help. My only issue with pg complaints is that most ppl find pg difficult and it's totally non-productive if you aren't trying to problem solve. It's a fixed period of time and just a means to a desired end. It's not supposed to be fun. GL!

GreeneyesP · December 2011

I too had 3 miscarriages (and a threatened miscarriage with this baby @ 7 weeks) before a successful pregnancy. I was miserable with hyperemis well into my second tri, bed rest, edema...and a host of other medical issues. I felt awful and guilty that I felt like crap, and I hated the way I looked and despised the betrayal of my body (Why can't my body get on board with the way my heart and soul feels about the baby?) I was very alone with these fellings, because I didn't want anyone to think that I was ungrateful, or not strong enough, or to judge me.

I opened up to my MW about it, and she reccomended I speak to a counselor colleague of hers. Through her I was able to learn that the way I feel about pregnancy does not reflect the way I feel about baby. That it's ok that I don't like being pregnant, and that complaining about what was going on might help alleviate the stress caused by keeping it in. Hence, I found the bump. The anonymity has helped me because I no longer fear the judgement of opening up. It's also helped me just by reading what others have gone through and appreciate what I have, because it could be worse (or to see that I am not the only one). It's nice to get perspective.

Now I am able to focus on getting through the rest of pregnancy, everyday I am one step closer to the end, and the wonderful beginning. The counselor also gave me an idea to do a visual calender countdown to my due date. Every night I mark off another day, and it's helped me visualize that this part of the parenting process is almost over. Pregnancy is just a phase, it's not forever (thank god!).

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Know you are not alone.

lawright · December 2011

Honestly, I think that you're confusing whining with what you really need to be doing which is asking for information and advice. Very little of what you're going through is unique. Other mothers who have undergone similar difficulties can have excellent advice that you may not have thought about. With regard to your back, for example, they may have discovered a support garment that really worked for them. Or, they can tell you that icing the back at certain times and heating the back at others can make things much better.

If you're having trouble with breathing, nausea, or you're so uncomfortable that you're falling over, these are issues you NEED to be discussing with your physician. They can have a significant impact on your baby's development. (For example, if you're having trouble keeping fluids down, you're not only putting the baby at risk with dehydration, but you're probably also making muscle cramps in your back or legs much worse than they'd be if you were hydrated.) Don't confuse common symptoms with a "normal" pregnancy. Prenatal care with regard to pregnancy side effects has absolutely nothing to do with what's frequent or common or normal and everything to do with making sure that your baby comes out as healthy as possible and that you're as comfortable as possible.

As for the best piece of advice that I have for you... try sleeping on a recliner. It seems to be capable of solving nearly every problem I've been having in the past few weeks.

chrissc34 · December 2011

Best advice I ever got...You don't have to like being pregnant to want to be! Hoping for brighter days for you ahead! Hang in there.

revolution_breeze · December 2011

I don't think you're crazy.

Regardless of struggle to get pregnant, it's not always easy on your body. Just because you struggled, doesn't mean you have to enjoy everything.

Also, I *** to my doctor every visit about each little thing. I feel better once she tells me "its normal" because then I know I'm normal and all of this can suck but also on the off chance that it is not normal, I want her to know.

I think you should tell your doctor.

karaknr · December 2011

Being in pain =/= being ungrateful, as long as youre not complaining openly to the free world about it ALL the time. Some gripping is expect with pregnancy.

However I do recommend seeing a Chiropractor! He has been my life saver!

hillbillysunshine · December 2011

I guess b/c I've never gone through infertility or problems in getting pregnant, that I can't relate. I say this b/c I don't get why people equate not loving every minute of pregnancy with being ungrateful. Just b/c you really wanted to have a family and it took awhile (and for some couples lots of time AND money!) why you should have to LOVE pregnancy all aspects of pregnancy...or love pregnancy, at all, for that matter! Not enjoying pregnancy and/or every little aspect of it doesn't make you a better or worse mother either.

I don't think you sound ungrateful at all, and I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty! Pregnancy is tough for A LOT of women. Just b/c you want to be a mom, doesn't mean you have to love nausea and pain.

So mention it to your doc, confide in your SO and/or good friends - having a strong support system is healthy. And it's not healthy to bottle it up...especially afterwards when you're going to need those same people's help keeping an eye on you to make sure PPD doesn't set it.

I hope you feel better soon!

anhg80 · December 2011

Poor thing! You sound miserable! I've also struggled with this pregnancy. Knowing I have some friends who are having difficulty getting/staying pregnant, I've kept my public complaining to a minimum. BUT, my husband knows about every ache and pain, and my doctor has assured me that she wants to hear about every little problem I'm having. Like she said, I'm not the pregnancy expert, and she doesn't want me to ignore something that might be indicative of a bigger problem.

I've definitely seen a few women on the bump get up in arms any time people complain about their pregnancies. But, honestly, this is the best place to do it! Everyone here is pregnant, and as PP said, you might find some good advice from other moms who are going through the same thing. And not enjoying being pregnant in no way indicates you're not grateful for your child.

Want a personalized experience?

RePost from Feb 2012 - Ungrateful?

Re: RePost from Feb 2012 - Ungrateful?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards