"friends" who were insensitive in your infertile days

HotChocolate79 · December 2011

We've probably all been in that situation....Do you still keep in touch with them after becoming pg/having a baby?

There is one particular (now former) close friend - we went through a lot of good and bad together in our younger days; dating fiascos, work woes, marriages that fell apart - it seemed like she always had my back. I had a pretty good idea getting pregnant wouldn't be easy after I left my exH because we tried for well over a year without anything other than a c/p to show for it, but we still joked that if we managed to get divorced within a few months of each other, we'd get pregnant together too.

When I finally shared the extend of TTTC we were having, she was pretty nonchalant about it, even when I was open about needing support. Then, on the day I found out my second IUI failed, she called because the stick turned pink after they had been trying for a whole month. I congratulated her but was honest that while I was happy for her, I was even more sad for me. The response was something along the lines of, if you just stopped worrying about it so much it would have happened already. That was the last time we spoke - I just basically made a decision to cut her out of my life. If someone could be so cruel to me, I didn't need to keep them around. I haven't responded to any of her messages or emails...they've gotten less frequent now but I got another one yesterday.

Now for some reason I am second guessing myself - maybe because it's that time of year and it's strange that I have no idea what's happening in her life. Our babies will be less than 2 months apart. But even now I can't bring myself to explain to her how much she's hurt me. So unless she shows up at my front door, we'll probably never speak again. Am I in the wrong here? WWYD?

amor_eterno · December 2011

I've only had one friend that was very insensitive during our TTTC, and I cut her off.

I had always been there for her through all her bad dating and life decisions, and I just got the feeling that she was kind of glad to finally be "one up" on me since this one thing wasn't working out for me/us. One day I was telling her how we were TTC but having trouble and she said that there was no reason for me to be sad because it obviously it wasn't God's will and wasn't meant to be now, and if it was, it would happen already. Mind you, she was about 6-7 months pregnant and I had *just* finished listening to her and giving her advice (that SHE asked for) on what to do about her abusive, unemployed, loser husband who had knocked her up a little before they got married. I guess according to her situation, had I been on Public Aid and in an abusive marriage, it would've been meant for to me for me to have gotten pregnant with no issues. Confused

Anyway, I was done after that day. I was already annoyed from her constant dating drama and her new marriage drama, and with that comment, I just didn't see what value she added to my life. Her friendship was emotionally draining me.

Long=journey · December 2011

I think I might try to rekindle the friendship if I were you. The "just relax" comment is famous. I've heard it from 2 OBs and pretty much all of my extended family across the 7 years it took me to get 2 pregnancies. As frustrating as it is to hear, it comes from people who just don't understand. Anyone who hasn't gone through IF will never understand. It's exciting to get a BFP and although the timing was horrendous for your friend, I think her announcement was just another example of not getting it. She will never get it, but maybe you can start over knowing that she'll never understand but is still your friend?

eorashan · December 2011

If the only time she was insensitive was that one comment you mentioned in your post, I guess for me, it seems a little harsh to cut her out of your life. Yes, it was an insensitive comment. However, I also think it was a little insensitive of you to "rain on her parade" by turning her excited phone call into something about you. Yes you have a right to feel terrible when she tells you she is pregnant, but I doubt she was calling to rub it in your face. She was excited and trying to share that with you, her friend. Instead of being supportive of her, you made it about your pain. Neither one of you handled that phone call very well.

I think you both need to apologize and talk about it.

Jessiree · December 2011

If the friendship you had was something you are longing for now, and you think it's possible to rekindle it, I would at least respond to her message from yesterday. Maybe open the door again?

However, if you feel like you've suffered too much hurt at her hands to have that friendship anymore, then let it go. Only you know what you can take - but ask yourself if now that you aren't in the trenches of it anymore, maybe you can forget (not necessarily forgive), not rehash all the bad with her, and move on. GL, it's a hard situation!

tarajayne · December 2011

I have lost friends and family over the years, not over IF but for other things, and there came a time when I wanted to reconcile. I think you will know if it is right for you to do that. It might take you some time, and just know that that is OK. While your friend obviously does not understand your IF situation, none of us here can really understand the dynamics of your friendship, so it's going to have to be you to decide. When and if you decide to try and work it out, good luck to you!

naybird · December 2011

I've had a few people who have been pretty insensitive to me and my struggles. One, a "friend", whom I've completely cut out of my life. The other is a first cousin. Now I can't completely cut her out, because she's always around and always sticking her big nose in everyone's business. So I avoid her.

After cutting the friend, and cutting the interaction with the cousin, I realized I truly did not miss them.

I think that's what you need to ask yourself. Do you miss this friend? If you do, talk to her and explain how she hurt you and see if fences can be mended. If you don't miss her, then let it be.

After enduring all the crap IF has thrown at me, I realized I don't need to deal with people and their crap either. And these women have thrown a lot at me. Some may call me bitter, but I see it as protecting myself.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

HotChocolate79 · December 2011

Thanks for your thoughts ladies....

I guess the thing that still bugs me to this day is that she knew full well how heartbroken I was over IF. In the 4 years that I was on the IF rollercoaster, most of my friends got pg, and some more than once... and while many of them didn't understand, and many didn't know what we were dealing with or at least to the extent of how bad it really got, I never quite felt that disrespected. And I was careful to not "rain on their parade" if they weren't aware of my failed cycles and overall misery.

So I guess I held this friend to a higher standard.... and maybe it's not something you can compare, but when I met MH, she was still single and very bitter about it. I was extremely careful to not rub my happiness in her face while she was struggling, and never told her that if she'd just stop looking, she'd meet someone already. It seems like I should have been afforded the same sensitivity. Maybe I just expect too much of people....

amor_eterno · December 2011

I don't think you expected too much. I think that you expected to receive what you had put in to your friendship. It's hard to lose friends during important life events. Maybe you can take some time and weigh out how your friendship was throughout the years to see if this is a friendship really worth rekindling. GL

Sloane99 · December 2011

Unfortunately, one of them was my SIL. Her insensitivities have made it difficult for me to actually be friends with her again in any capacity. Obviously, I can't cut her out of my life, but our level of friendship is pretty much nil at this point.

Ya Never Know · December 2011

I think it depends on how important the friendship was to you before she made that remark. My bff said stupid stuff like that when we were having TTTC, and it made me so mad to the point where I also thought of cutting her off... but I decided to just talk to her about it instead. If it pissed her off, I figured I was thinking about severing the friendship anyway, so telling her how I felt was a last ditch effort to have her understand my point of view. I can't say that after our talk she necessarily understood my situation any better, but she did apologize, and she did stop saying things that would hurt my feelings. She also expressed that she just didn't know what to say, to which I informed her that she really didn't have to say anything... that just listening was always helpful. As time went on, I think she came to understand things a little more.. as much as she could, and she turned around to the point of being completely supportive.

All this to say that I would sit down with your friend if the friendship is important to you, and tell her exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. If she decides to get defensive or deny things or something, then make a decision to cut her out then. You might be surprised that she just doesn't realize that the things she says are insensitive. Some people just really don't think too far beyond the moment they spit something out.

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