so hurt (IF related sort of)

MrsNap_515 · December 2011

So i know we have all been there & back fighting uphill battles to finally be pregnant with our LO's and it's always hard to see people getting KTFU without even trying...

with that being said, one of my coworkers & good friend, she's younger, about 24, has been with her bf since she was about 18-19, they were previously engaged, broke it off, but have been back together the past 2 years, well she texts me a picture the other night of a +HPT, it was completely unexpected and to her a "big mistake"

she knows how hard things were for me and DH but she kept complaining about how she won't be a good mom, she's so young, and i told her she's not 18, it's not like she'd be on teen mom...i tried talking to her about options, that there are so many women who are unable to concieve, and if she absolutely can't see herself being a mom, that she could make another woman a mom, we had a long conversation, but i could see it wasn't going anywhere...

anyway, the point is, she was out of work for 2 days, and texted me yesterday that she went to planned parenthood and "took care of it"

I sobbed and sobbed all night with DH, i was just so hurt. I am not starting an abortion debate, but i just feel that after IF battles you just appreciate things a little more, and i was so hurt that all of the amazing ladies trying to adopt, and she could have changed someone's life.

anyone have any similar experiences? i feel that i don't know how to pretend this never happened when i see her, i know i can't hold it against her, it was her decision to make, i just feel so bad that it happened.

(don't flame me, i'm just venting my emotions, i'm not trying to start a pro-life debate, i just feel that IF has changed my views on so many things)

ELF4321 · December 2011

I think our own experiences definitely color how we look at things. I'm still pro-choice, but it's definitely harder to think about now. But, at the same time, I have seen what happens to kids brought up by parents who don't really want them and aren't emotionally equipped to raise them, and it's not good. I think it takes a very special person to be willing to go through pregnancy and then give the baby up for adoption -- not even halfway through this pregnancy now, and I couldn't imagine going through it if I didn't actually want a baby so badly.

I think under the circumstances pretending it never happened/ignoring it is probably the approach I would take. And if she tries to bring it up, just say something like "I recognize your right to do what you want to with your body, but this is not something I'm comfortable discussing." Hopefully she'll take the hint and not try to talk to you about it anymore.

((hugs))

MrsNap_515 · December 2011

ELF4321:

I think under the circumstances pretending it never happened/ignoring it is probably the approach I would take. And if she tries to bring it up, just say something like "I recognize your right to do what you want to with your body, but this is not something I'm comfortable discussing." Hopefully she'll take the hint and not try to talk to you about it anymore.

((hugs))

thank you for the advice, i like how you phrased that

DrRx · December 2011

I think that it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do, and I know that you are not trying to start a pro-life/pro-choice debate. Personally, I have always been, and will continue to be, pro-choice, even though I will be IF for life. However, I don't think that you changing your outlook on things is wrong. Our beliefs and outlooks are meant to be changed by the battles that we must face in life. It definitely gives you a different perspective and allows you to appreciate things that you never thought existed.

Perhaps she doesn't want to go through with this pregnancy, even if she were to give it up for adoption, because then this child may come looking for her in 20 years? Maybe she is afraid that is she goes through with the pregnancy she may not give the baby up for adoption and then she will be forever tied to this man. Perhaps this was a very painful decision for her as well.

I'm glad that you know that you can't hold it against her and that it was her decision to make. It is ok to take some time to process it all and figure out how best to deal with it. However, if she is indeed a really good friend, I think that you should let her know that even though you may not agree with her action, you will still support her if she needs some support to get through this.

vanessagorc · December 2011

I posted along these lines on IVF yesterday.

I'm also still pro choice, bc i don't want the governement controlling our bodies.

But this kind of thing is hard to take, and we do NOT want to be ur sounding board for it. She knew about ur journey, and she should have been sensitive enough to pick a differnent friend to share/vent to.

She's obviously very immature, and i agree with PP...if she brings it up, id tell her u are not comfortable discussing it. And bc i'm a b!tch...I'd add "and you should know that i'm the wrong person to talk to anyway".

MrsNap_515 · December 2011

DrRx:

I'm glad that you know that you can't hold it against her and that it was her decision to make. It is ok to take some time to process it all and figure out how best to deal with it. However, if she is indeed a really good friend, I think that you should let her know that even though you may not agree with her action, you will still support her if she needs some support to get through this.

this...yea i told her that i understand she had to make her decision, but i still love her, and that nothing would change that, i just explained that each person has different views, and that even though i may not have agreed, i am here for her no matter what because i could not ever imagine how hard it is to make a decision like that.

MrsNap_515 · December 2011

vanessagorc:

I posted along these lines on IVF yesterday.

I'm also still pro choice, bc i don't want the governement controlling our bodies.

But this kind of thing is hard to take, and we do NOT want to be ur sounding board for it. She knew about ur journey, and she should have been sensitive enough to pick a differnent friend to share/vent to.

She's obviously very immature, and i agree with PP...if she brings it up, id tell her u are not comfortable discussing it. And bc i'm a b!tch...I'd add "and you should know that i'm the wrong person to talk to anyway".

i just read your post!! yea i told her that i'm not the best person to give her the advice she wants to hear because of what i've been through, i told her that after all the hoops we had to jump through, that i could not imagine making that choice, or hearing someone else take it so lightly.

snoangel79 · December 2011

I can't imagine why she would text you if she knew about your issues. If she was going to have an abortion then she should of just kept that private. I would be more insulted that she was too stupid to realize that she shouldn't be telling someone who had a really hard time getting pregnant that she "was pregnant with a mistake and taking care of it". I would chalk that up to having absolutely no compassion for others or a big lack in people skills in general.

I'm sorry that you are hurt I would be too! After this whole fiasco I would basically consider her an idiot and just leave it at that. You don't have to be "good" friends with her. Be nice, smile, and just make small talk. Other then that just distance yourself.

I used to be pro-choice but I actually watched abortion videos and it pained me pretty badly. People can do what they want with their own bodies but that would never be my own choice. My friend had 2 abortions, she is still one of my good friends. She went on to have 3 kids luckily. I don't hold it against her but she also doesn't talk about it or did she ever really talk about it to me knowing I would have an issue because of my cancer tx at 23. She basically had compassion about my situation which unfortunately your friend does not.

koyn · December 2011

ELF4321:
I think our own experiences definitely color how we look at things. I'm still pro-choice, but it's definitely harder to think about now. But, at the same time, I have seen what happens to kids brought up by parents who don't really want them and aren't emotionally equipped to raise them, and it's not good. I think it takes a very special person to be willing to go through pregnancy and then give the baby up for adoption -- not even halfway through this pregnancy now, and I couldn't imagine going through it if I didn't actually want a baby so badly.

I think under the circumstances pretending it never happened/ignoring it is probably the approach I would take. And if she tries to bring it up, just say something like "I recognize your right to do what you want to with your body, but this is not something I'm comfortable discussing." Hopefully she'll take the hint and not try to talk to you about it anymore.

((hugs))

This is very well said. I totally agree. I think a lot of times people came become consumed in their situations and not know where to turn or who to turn to and act on first instinct. I am guessing this may be the case with your friend. I know there were sometimes I spoke very bitterly to my "fertile friends" because they just didn't get it when they had no idea how overwhelmed I was with IF.

In any case it doesn't make your feelings any less valid. I totally understand how you feel having gotten to know so many wonderful people who would love to adopt.

amor_eterno · December 2011

ELF4321:

I think our own experiences definitely color how we look at things. I'm still pro-choice, but it's definitely harder to think about now. But, at the same time, I have seen what happens to kids brought up by parents who don't really want them and aren't emotionally equipped to raise them, and it's not good. I think it takes a very special person to be willing to go through pregnancy and then give the baby up for adoption -- not even halfway through this pregnancy now, and I couldn't imagine going through it if I didn't actually want a baby so badly.

I think under the circumstances pretending it never happened/ignoring it is probably the approach I would take. And if she tries to bring it up, just say something like "I recognize your right to do what you want to with your body, but this is not something I'm comfortable discussing." Hopefully she'll take the hint and not try to talk to you about it anymore.

((hugs))

Very well said!

tarajayne · December 2011

snoangel79:
I can't imagine why she would text you if she knew about your issues. If she was going to have an abortion then she should of just kept that private. I would be more insulted that she was too stupid to realize that she shouldn't be telling someone who had a really hard time getting pregnant that she "was pregnant with a mistake and taking care of it". I would chalk that up to having absolutely no compassion for others or a big lack in people skills in general.
I'm sorry that you are hurt I would be too! After this whole fiasco I would basically consider her an idiot and just leave it at that. You don't have to be "good" friends with her. Be nice, smile, and just make small talk. Other then that just distance yourself.

This.

bbakersgirl75 · December 2011

I am so sorry hun. IF does change our view of life and the creation of such. I, personally, would have reacted just as you. I think I would be so upset with that person.

I hope you find the healing in your heart and pray for this co-worker.

((Hugs))

Jessiree · December 2011

ELF4321:
I think under the circumstances pretending it never happened/ignoring it is probably the approach I would take. And if she tries to bring it up, just say something like "I recognize your right to do what you want to with your body, but this is not something I'm comfortable discussing." Hopefully she'll take the hint and not try to talk to you about it anymore.
((hugs))

This is what I would do too. GL!

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