SAHM - how do you deal?

nugget0411 · December 2011

i am going to be a SAHM...but how do you tell people without the looks of "oh aren't you lucky..."?

i've already posted on the SAHM mom board but i thought i'd check with you ladies as well.

DH makes good money and we bought a townhouse so that we could afford it on one income. i just always feel like i'm being spoiled or people judge us!

it's stupid i know but i wish it was something people would just accept and move on!

**ETA - in Canada we get a full year of mat leave and i wouldn't really even be going back until May 1st anyway but we've already decided that i'll stay home**

prncsstp · December 2011

Is there anything to do? I'm a WM so my replies to "you are so lucky" aren't mean at all - I'm genuinely happy for my friends that SAH - I'm also jealous!

CakerQueen · December 2011

I just recently started staying home ( in August ) and I went through the same way you're feeling. But then I became extremely proud of being able to stay home. It really is a gift. If your child has a bad night you don't have to worry about working the next day. Your sole focus is taking care of your child.

Staying home isn't for everyone so you might get some bad reactions when people learn you are staying home. Just don't let it get to you. If this is right for your family then be proud.

I would also suggest you joining a local Moms Group if there's one close to you. That way you have an outlet with other SAHM's.

tokenhoser · December 2011

Like everything, you've got to own your decision and just smile and say "Oh, it's great!". Or if you're feeling a bit more catty, go with "No luck involved, just a careful budget."

And then just ask something about them or their kid. Everyone would rather talk about themself than you. Especially the judgey ones.

LynsiBHM · December 2011

I am a SAHM and it used to piss me off. My friends that get weekly mani/pedis, buy $200 jeans, carry a designer purse, drive a nice new car, eat out every night and go on vacations often would say "oh you're so lucky! I wish I didn't have to work!!"

It's all about choices. Unfortunately some people don't have the option, but some do and don't realize it. We aren't rich. Hubby has a good job, but I made good money at my "9-5" and we feel the absence of that every day. I don't spend much. I shop at TJMaxx and Target. I cook at home every night. My last vaca was our honeymoon, I drive a 7 yr old honda. I'm not lucky in that I won the lottery or something. No one chose my name in the SAHM lottery... but I am lucky that I have made the choices I have and planned for years to be able to do this. I feel blessed every day.

Now when ppl say "you're so lucky" I just smile. It's for slightly different reasons than they are implying, but I am. very. lucky! Just don't let it bring you down. Take it as a compliment.

sohappy14 · December 2011

I rarely get that. I get, "Are you going brain dead yet?" "What do you do all day?" That frustrates me!! I also get people saying I could never do that, I would go crazy... I do go crazy some days, but I also feel like it is an important part of how I want to raise my children... My mom stayed home with me and I am hopefully planning to stay home with my kids. I think that if I worked, I would not be able to give most of my time and energy to my child... People look down on SAHM so it seems to me. They can't imagine that people stay home anymore. I feel I am doing the right thing my child for now and the future...and luckily we are able to do it at this time.

Cjohn1211 · December 2011

Just smile and say "yes, I am".

Mothers saying that probably mean that you are lucky to be able to spend so much time with your LO, which you are . Others saying it probably think that staying at home is not work and are clearly misinformed. I work part time and know that staying at home with J is way harder than what I do at my job. High praise for full time SAHMs!

dbertagni · December 2011

LynsiBHM:
I am a SAHM and it used to piss me off. My friends that get weekly mani/pedis, buy $200 jeans, carry a designer purse, drive a nice new car, eat out every night and go on vacations often would say "oh you're so lucky! I wish I didn't have to work!!"

It's all about choices. Unfortunately some people don't have the option, but some do and don't realize it. We aren't rich. Hubby has a good job, but I made good money at my "9-5" and we feel the absence of that every day. I don't spend much. I shop at TJMaxx and Target. I cook at home every night. My last vaca was our honeymoon, I drive a 7 yr old honda. I'm not lucky in that I won the lottery or something. No one chose my name in the SAHM lottery... but I am lucky that I have made the choices I have and planned for years to be able to do this. I feel blessed every day.

Now when ppl say "you're so lucky" I just smile. It's for slightly different reasons than they are implying, but I am. very. lucky! Just don't let it bring you down. Take it as a compliment.

I could have written this word for word. It aggravates me to hell when people say, oh, that must be nice...we can't afford it, yet they have new cars, iphones, take disney cruises, etc. It is nice, but we live on a budget, there is no luck involved. I gave up everything extra to be able to stay at home. Now for those people who can have everything in the world, new stuff, toys, cars, trips and get to SAH, I am jealous of that!! Everyone has different financial status's and defending yours is not needed. Just smile and say, I know!

stephanie_shoe · December 2011

I am lucky to be able to SAHM, but I also think that people assume we are poor because of it, which is annoying. On the bright side, I always have friends trying to give us coupons and hand me downs because they assume we can't afford things...and I don't know why this is, lol. It is quite the contrary but I also don't disclose our financial situation to our friends or family.

The truth is, my husband has a fantastic job with great benefits. We stick to a budget, but our budget allows me to get my hair and nails done every once in awhile and go shopping. We both drive used cars and have an affordable mortgage. We don't live solely on credit, or buy things we can't afford.

As for the comments, for the most part I get "oh my god aren't you BORED?" Have a baby, biotch, and see if you are ever bored again.

JennDave+1 · December 2011

You are lucky to be able to stay home with your little one and watch them grow up and never miss a moment.

daisygirl2010 · December 2011

Grass is always greener. People will always say something annoying.

Don't worry about it. Be happy with the choice you made for your family. We all make different choices for millions of different reasons.

I think what is lucky for anyone is being able to do what they would LIKE to do - whether that's SAH, work, a combo of both...have lots of kids, no kids, one kid...you get my drift. Luck is in the eye of the beholder! Big Smile

I feel EXTREMELY happy that I can SAH part-time. But of course we planned for years so it could be so & we do make sacrifices all the time - so yeah, it's choice, not luck.

scyriacks · December 2011

I am a working mom (3 1/2 days and 1 full day), I kind of get the same thing but on the other spectrum. I get judged all the time for working like i'm a horrible mother

. I agree completely with daisygirl above! Sometimes I wish people would just keep their comments to themselves

LovelyLou23 · December 2011

LynsiBHM:
I am a SAHM and it used to piss me off. My friends that get weekly mani/pedis, buy $200 jeans, carry a designer purse, drive a nice new car, eat out every night and go on vacations often would say "oh you're so lucky! I wish I didn't have to work!!"
It's all about choices. Unfortunately some people don't have the option, but some do and don't realize it. We aren't rich. Hubby has a good job, but I made good money at my "9-5" and we feel the absence of that every day. I don't spend much. I shop at TJMaxx and Target. I cook at home every night. My last vaca was our honeymoon, I drive a 7 yr old honda. I'm not lucky in that I won the lottery or something. No one chose my name in the SAHM lottery... but I am lucky that I have made the choices I have and planned for years to be able to do this. I feel blessed every day.
Now when ppl say "you're so lucky" I just smile. It's for slightly different reasons than they are implying, but I am. very. lucky! Just don't let it bring you down. Take it as a compliment.

All of this. I also like token's catty comment

but as far as what to say back when people say that? I usually just nod my head and say, "yeah, i'm enjoying it." i've picked the fight enough to learn that it's not worth it.

etude de la vie · December 2011

I know I am lucky. DH has a great job and we live in a very HCOL area where there are not very many SAHM, but sometimes the grass is always greener.....

I don't get to "clock out" or weekends, I don't get mani/pedi or even get to try new clothing on because I don't get to go anywhere without both kids. I hardly eat anything all day with 2 kids, let alone take a shower!

We made choices and sacrifices so I can be a SAHM. I love it SO much but sometimes I wonder if all this hard work to get my PhD (and student loans) is worth anything anymore and will anyone University want to hire me again after this huge gap in time raising kids. My wage was going to hardly cover DC costs here and it would put DH and I into a higher tax bracket so it really wasn't a good idea for me to work. I also drive a 10 year old Honda, DH drives a prius, I shop Target or discount stores, and cook at home. We could afford to have newer/nicer stuff but we feel our money should be saved or allocated to different things for our kids.

skio · December 2011

I don't get those reactions, thankfully. DH and I made A LOT of sacrifices so that I could stay home with DD. My H does not make good money (he's a cop and works very hard but is grossly underpaid) and we live in one of the highest COL areas in the country. We are on a very tight budget and I work 1 day a week to make ends meet. It's far from ideal financially, but it's a decision we made based on what we thought would be best for our family. It has nothing to do with luck. And that's what I would tell anyone who called my situation "lucky." I love being home with my daughter and I'm thrilled to be able to do it, and proud that despite our situation, we ARE doing it.

Don't let it bother you. People can think whatever they want to think about your situation...you're doing it because it's a decision you're making for your family, not because you're spoiled and rolling in millions. Be happy and confident in your choice; YOU have to be the one to move on, not anyone else!

MrsCodeMonkey · December 2011

I will admit to having preconceived notions of SAHMs until I became one. I thought I'd go out of my mind, but so far I'm relatively sane. I also learned how much hard work is involved and how special it is to have this time with my daughter. I do feel lucky and guilty at the same time. I hate that our culture puts so much importance on paychecks. I keep being asked when I'm going back to work because surely I must be applying to jobs next year...nope! Maybe not the year after that either. My parents are dissapointed I got a master's degree to stay at home. I worked for a few years but I wasn't happy, so I'm going to be careful about what job I get next and in the meantime I'm going to make the most of my time with DD.

RunningGal900 · December 2011

I do understand the need to explain yourself or justify it in a way (for example, I truly hated what I was doing before, we moved when I was 5 months pregnant, so I didn't have a job to go back to, etc), but when people say you are so lucky, I simply say, "I know, I feel really blessed to have this time with him." And for the most part, I think people truly feel that I am lucky that I get to do this - and I agree with them. As for the snide remarks, like "what exactly do you do all day", I usually just ignore them. Or I tell them what exactly it is that I do all day :-)

mmarsac · December 2011

I looove staying home with DD. My husband has a great job, but my staying home with her wasn't entirely by choice. We moved for DH's job, and I could only find part-time teaching jobs. After DD was born the money it would take to put her in day care while I teach didn't make sense. So, I am a SAHM.

I don't get the spoiled being a SAHM part. Maybe they have older kids? This is often harder than any job I've ever worked. I feel like I could do a chore or task every second of every day, and have something to fill every second until DD goes to college. I wish I could contribute more to our income, though. In the end, I feel lucky because I have a great bond with DD and I have great memories of her first year.

sunset+skies · December 2011

I don't mind the "you're so lucky" comments. What bothers me is the people who assume I do nothing all day, or think that me being a SAHM means I'm just DYING to babysit their kids. For free, of course.

laurakaz13 · December 2011

Eh, it goes both ways. I've had some people make really rude comments to me b/c I decided to keep working. I don't have to work, but I love my career and I love the things our dual income provides for us.

We're all lucky we get to make the decisions that work best for our families.

nugget0411 · December 2011

Thanks ladies! i am so excited to be a SAHM - it's what i've always dreamed of!! i shouldn't take it personally and i guess i really am lucky that i can stay home and raise my own children!

thanks for your support!!

shaindelr · December 2011

My guy is a SAHD. That still gets some weird looks/reactions nowadays. I haven't come up with any type of response. I just smile like an idiot. (I'll have to work on something... Hmmm.)

etod0701 · December 2011

Its a wonderful thing to be a SAHM but it comes with A LOT of draw backs.

etod0701 · December 2011

I've become rather insecure about not having a job and even though I know I'm doing something amazing I still feel like a lesser than equal part of the family because I'm not providing money. Do you have any advice? I'm a new military wife as well so with our new moves I don't have family or friends for support. You seem to be well adjusted I'd love advice.

Sorensen88 · December 2011

Honestly, its the most amazing thing to be able to stay home with your child. I graduated from college and then had my daughter a month later. My husband got a good job so stayed home. I love staying at home with my baby and I feel closer to her than ever. My husband and I recently agreed that our lives would be easier with another income so I am searching for a job but I am so sad to have to give up this amazing gift of staying home and raising my child.

When it comes to other people, I completely understand what you are talking about. When people ask me what I do for a living ( which I get more than I ever expected) I tell them I stay home with my daughter. yes, sometimes you get the looks or the weird questions of how you do it and in the beginning I felt embarrassed to say that I am a stay at home mom. But now I realize that being a stay at home my is a gift and you should treasure it. Its not an easy thing to do so don't ever let anyone make you feel inferior for choosing to raise your child.

Hope this helps :-)

firelight79 · January 2012

I just tell people the cost of childcare being what it is, if I am going to fork over my wages to have someone take care of my child I might as well do it myself since financially I'll be in the same place. It's worth it to be with him all day. But I really do need some me time!

Want a personalized experience?

SAHM - how do you deal?

Re: SAHM - how do you deal?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards