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Adoption
SIL waiting for baby from adoption while we are sitting ducks... please need your input!
My husband and I got married 2 months ago and we decided not to wait to have kids. My OB started me on prenatal vitamins already and we are going to start trying in feb when we are on our honeymoon (yes I know 4 months after our wedding) Our issue is my SIL (hubbys sister) and her husband are unable to conceive children and have been waiting for the adoption process to finally provide them with a child. They have been waiting for about a year and a half--but haven't really heard anything. I know that my SIL would be totally crushed if we just came out and said we were pregnant. I feel like we should at least let her know that we are trying because it's not something that I want to hide. I want the WHOLE world to know that we are TTC. We wanted to talk to his parents about it too but we have a feeling they won't be very supportive. SIL and hubby are 29 and 27... My husband and I are 23 about to be 24. We are financially secure, I am a RN and he is a Heating and air conditioning technician. We bought our house a year ago and its all baby ready now (after much renovating) I would like anyone and everyone's advice on what to do here! Thanks
Stephanie
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Re: SIL waiting for baby from adoption while we are sitting ducks... please need your input!
I'll be honest...if I were your SIL, I wouldn't want to know that you were TTC. We tried for a really long time to get pg, and it didn't happen. I wouldn't have wanted my SIL and BIL to announce to us that they were trying to get pg. It was hard enough for me to hear when it did happen for them. (We had already been married for about 9 years and they had been married for maybe 2 or 3 at the most.)
Sometimes TTC can take a long time, even if you're on the younger side. I don't think I would tell my family that we were trying. It's opening yourself up to a lot of questions, especially if it doesn't happen right away.
I do think that it's nice of you to be considering your SIL and BIL's feelings. I'm sure it's been extremely hard, especially since they have been waiting for so long.
ETA: I am very happy for my BIL and SIL - I love our niece and nephew so much! But it was really hard when we got the news originally because we really wanted to be able to make our own announcement and had been ttc for so long.
First of all, you are a great SIL for caring enough to think about this!!!
I am kind of going through this with my BIL and his wife right now. They told us in Oct that they were going to start TTC soon. BIL called DH right after Thanksgiving to tell him that they are pregnant. Of course I am so happy for them and can't wait to be an aunt again, but it's still hard. I think the best thing you can do is let them know that you are going to start trying.
I had a friend tell me she was pregnant through a text message.... That hurt. I think that if you take the time to sit down and tell them that you know it might be hard for them to hear, they will really appreciate your kindness and respect. I guess also don't expect for them to be jumping up and down with excitement for you at first, for me it takes a little while to set in and get over the fact that I will never be the one with the pregnancy announcement.
I think it is nice of you to consider their feelings.
But you "want the whole world to know that you're TTC?" Why? That's very private business, in my opinion. And you can ask most of us on this board about best laid plans . . .
Once you are pregnant, you will get a lot of attention and interest. If you are really set on letting them know, just casually bring it up that you're thinking about a baby in the near future. No further details are necessary! Then they know and can start to mentally prepare.
If and when you do conceive, tell them privately---in person or via phone. Don't freak if their reaction is tempered. They may need time to sit with the news before they get excited.
I agree...I would tell them privately and give them time to process it. I'm sure they'll be happy for you, but they may need time.
Why on earth would you want the whole world to know you're TTC? Ick. I wouldn't want to know my siblings/friends/acquaintances were having sex, even if it was to have a baby. And you'll just end up getting unsolicited advice and people bugging you if you aren't pregnant right off the bat.
As for your BIL and SIL, I'd keep it low key. If/when you get pregnant, call them or tell them when it's just you guys, and don't expect them to necessarily jump up and down. And if you do get pregnant right away, for goodness sake refrain from saying, "It happened so fast/easily/quickly." It's immaterial and they don't want/need to hear it.
It's nice of you to think of their feelings.
I'm with the others that are confused why you'd want to announce this. I understand it's super exciting to you, and you are used to sharing exciting news, but this is something extremely personal between you and your husband. Enjoy having your own little secret, and consider it the first of many you will only share amongst yourselves.
Announcing you are TTC is like shouting to the world, "We're having a lot of sex!" So unnecessary.
First of all, I think that if you want to announce that you're starting a family, that is completely up to you. Every couple, every person has a different personality and approach. So if you want to let others know, let them know. It's your choice and honestly, no one else has any place judging your personal decision in this. As others have noted this is personal... that's exactly right... it's your personal journey and your choice regarding how you want to approach and experience it.
I think some of the hesitation you're getting regarding announcing from the women on this board is because some of us have had long, heartbreaking journeys with infertility. We know from experience that infertility affects at least 1 in 8 couples, and often, it's a battle that is very unexpected and that couples are very ill prepared for. It can be even more difficult when there are endless questions raised about "when are you two going to get pregnant?" or "isn't it about time you have your own?" My husband and I battled infertility for over six years. It was absolutely horrible. During that time, we went through several treatments, including Clomid, IUIs, and IVF. All were unsuccessful, except for one early loss.
It is heartening that you are thinking of your SIL and BIL. During our long battle against infertility, siblings, cousins, friends... seemingly everyone around us... had child after child. My siblings never hid from me the fact they were trying, and I never hid the fact from my siblings that we were battling infertility. It all depends, however, on the specific relationship you share. You know your SIL and BIL better than any of us on this board do, and you know the relationship you and your husband have with her.
You'll find every sort of suggestion, ranging from telling her husband and then letting her husband break the news to her, to calling, to sitting down with her in person, to just waiting and letting them know when you are pregnant. There's no right or wrong answer in general... it very much depends on the relationship you have and the kind of person she is and how you think she will take it.
I was the kind that I wanted to know right away when others were trying. I was happy for them and supported them all the way. I was more hurt when the truth was kept from me because it made me feel even more isolated... something that infertility really makes many couples feel. We are so often isolated from exciting events or announcements for fear that we'll either bring down the mood or take it badly. We're isolated from "Mom's clubs" and "parent's clubs" and in general, everything designed for blossoming families.
All three of our sisters had at least two children each (one had three) during that six year period we were struggling. Yes, each announcement of ttc and pregnancy reminded us of how much we longed for our own, but more than anything, our joy for those we loved took over any other feeling. We were even happy for my two much younger cousin who accidentally became pregnant... both during "flings."
We started our adoption of our son and daughter in June of 2011. We had been planning for them all along, regardless of our outcome in ttc, and were tired of waiting. Four months in to our adoption, my brother (five years younger than me) and his wife were married (October of 2011). We fully expected that they would become pregnant before our son and daughter were home (and still do) since they had talked with us about ttc right away. We encouraged them to, actually, knowing that infertility can strike anyone and gets more difficult to overcome with age.
We fully expected that my brother and his wife would have children in their arms before we did. Little did we know that the weekend of their wedding, a miracle happened that defied what all of my doctors have said for years. We now have a "naturally" conceived baby on the way and due in July.
I guess the point is this: Announce if you want to - it's YOUR journey. Just do so with the knowledge that infertility can happen to anyone... 1 in 8 means this is a lot more common than most realize. So be sure that you're guarding your hearts and considering who will be supportive and what reactions will be should you run into difficulty. When it comes to your SIL and BIL, you and your husband are the best judges in terms of when and how to tell them. All that we can do is make suggestions based on our experiences. But in the end, you know your family, your loved ones, and your relationships better than we do. The best recommendation I can make is just to act and speak with love and a lot of empathy. Consider who they are and what will be the best way to be truthful and yet supportive.
Best of luck to you with all of these things!!!
Apparently I am really different from everyone else on here...
I am going to think of your "wanting to tell the whole world" to refer to being ready to have a child, not so much that you are having an active sex life. I told everyone who that we were going to try to have children as soon as we got married, but only when other people asked (you would be surprised how often that happened) or children were brought up.
My sister in law has had 2 kids since we began trying to expand our family and my sister has had one. It was less painful when my SIL told us about each of her pregnancies because I knew she wanted two more, and I knew she was spacing them exactly 2 years apart. My sister's announcement floored me because she had told me she didn't want to have kids yet while secretly trying for 6 months.
I would have liked it if she had mentioned she was trying or even just thinking about it during one of our many conversations about babies.
Personally, when I know people are trying to have a baby I am more happy for them when I find out they are pregnant than when I have never heard them mention wanting kids and suddenly they appear pregnant out of thin air as if it was as simple as breathing.
So I guess approach your SIL carefully. I agree the conversation should be private, take her cues and expect her to not be happy (then you can be pleasantly surprised if it goes well). Good luck.
I would also suggest that you not mention anything about trying to conceive to your in-laws. Even if you are financially secure no one wants to visualize their child having sex with their spouse.
Stephanie,
It is totally up to you how you want to handle informing your SIL.
However, I will tell you that I was recently on the other end of some friends telling us they are TTC for their second bio child. We have been TTC for our first child for a while and found out it is not possible. I work with many people and can handle various discussion topics thrown at me, however, it was hard to swallow hearing they are TTC a second time when holding and playing with their first bio child.
Like the others have mentioned, do you really want the world to know you are TTC? You need to take a step back and think this through.
Good luck to you!