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Postpartum Depression
algalphys
member
No point in denying it...
algalphys
member
Hi ladies,
As my title states, there is no point in denying that I very like have PPD or just depression (My LO is nearly 8 months old so I don't know if it still counts as PPD). When DS was first born he was a dream baby (likely due to the stress of the delivery etc he was very calm, quiet and sleepy). About 12 days old he really started fighting sleep and when I really started feeling anxious and like a failure. It was generally only his naps that he fought and slept fairly well at night. I would have rage fits, crying fits etc but most days I could cope. Well once he turned 5.5 months old, he started crawling, stopped self soothing and generally nighttime sleep became a pain (getting up lots, having to be rocked to sleep then put down in crib etc). This past week has been hell...he's been up every 1 to 2 hours at night, fighting naps like nobodies business and I know he's not getting enough sleep at all. I dread every naptime/nighttime because I don't want the fight. I feel sick almost everyday and when I can't get him to sleep or when I have to rock him or feed him to get him to go back to sleep at night, I feel like I'm failing because he can't get him self to sleep like he used to. I'm not sure if I'm putting to much pressure on myself or if I am really failing him but I do know that both he and I need more sleep. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown!
I little background on me...I've focused on my career for the majority of my adult life. Worked lots and long hours and developed a really good reputation. I'm definitely type A personality and a control freak (which obviously doesn't mix well with a baby!). I also don't have very much patience (again not a good thing). I'm on a year long maternity leave from work (Standard in Canada) and I kinda feel like a part of my identity has been taken away not working. I also feel guilty for wanting part of myself back and wanting to go back to work before the year is up (which is totally ok to do). Anyhow, it seems like more often than not I end up crying at some point during the day (I'm crying as I write this!!). I'm embarassed because I never imagained I'd have such a hard time being a mother. I honestly feel like if only he slept better I'd feel better too but I'm at a loss. I really don't feel like CIO is for me so I got the no cry sleep solution but I'm not sure if he's teething again becuase the last week has been total hell so I've been reluctant to try any of the sleep training methods.
My DH works 12 hour shifts and it seems like everytime he is supposed to have days off, he gets called for overtime. And when I get upset that he's leaving us again he doesn't understand why I'm so upset which only serves to make me more upset!
I feel like I'm completely useless and I have no idea how to do anything for my son. I feel like I have no idea what he needs sometimes and then I feel sh!tty because he's almost 8 months old and I should know by now what is wrong or what he needs. I also thought things would be getting better by now not worse.
My son does bring me joy...I love his smile, his giggles, how active he is but I also wish he would relax and snuggle with me sometimes (definitely not a snuggly baby). I Love him but I hate feeling like a failure. I really am hoping to avoid drugs if I can and like I said before if only we could both sleep better I'd be able to cope better.
Sorry this is so long and rambling but I had to get it out somewhere.
Thanks for listening!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: No point in denying it...
yup, still counts as PPD. I was not diagnosed PPD officially until my DD was over a year old. The Dr's looked at my history and I told them how long thins had been happening and poof. PPD. Also An anxiety disorder, but thats another story. So yes, 8m PP can be PPD.
How to cope a bit without meds. First, get yourself a therapist. The therapist (psychologist) listens and helps you learn to cope. The psychiatrist gives you meds. From what you describe in your post, it sounds like you are very happy to be a mommy, but just dont like the lack of control/pattern/routine. So start yourself a routine. Nothing drastic, with baby you have to roll with the punches. But set yourself up to taalk a walk daily, to clean the house during nap#1, to relax and watch your fav TV episodes (recorded?) during nap #2.. as examples.
I hope this helps. A remember, at 8 months, it does start to get easier. really! it does.
I thought I would love my maternity leave and never want to go back to work. but I, too, was feeling like a failure, that I didn't know what I was doing and it was a disservice to my daughter. I looked forward to going back to work and sending her to daycare so a 'professional' would be taking care of her (and I hated that I was thinking such things).
Some women just aren't cut out for being a stay-at-home mom. It sounds like you need more balance and sleep. So, like PP said, get some help. That should include getting your husband to realize what you are going through is real. If they've never had PPD, they may never understand, but they still need to be supportive. Be open minded to medication. I'm not saying jump into it right away, but don't rule it out as part of the treatment plan you and your doctor come up with.
And talk with your husband about going back to work soon. (is canadian maternity leave paid? if not, the $ from going back to work could back out his overtime hours... if that's an option for him). Our daughter didn't get on a good schedule until she was at daycare. And then I felt so much more confident about nights and weekends
It sounds like you need to find something else to do than be mom. Get him into Early Childhood Development and go back to work if that is what will make you happy! HE CAN FEEL YOUR ANXIETY!!!!... any time you are all weird when you put him down and stuff, he's going to notice. I'd say: calm down. I'm sure you're doing fine, you just need to preoccupy yourself with something other than baby. As for sleeping at night, maybe try and swaddle him (don't do the bottom, so he can get out if he wants).. though he'll fight that more at first, then calm down if he takes to it. Merralee only slept 1 to 2 hours in her crib at first before she needed to be persuaded once again to sleep. I use her Boppy and prop her up on that, tuck her in, set her up with a bottle of formula, put a big teddy bear on her tummy (so it simulates the weight of my arm around her).. and then leave the room. She'll either eat, or get up.. but if I'm ready for bed, I leave her there unless she's been freaking out for 10 to 15min straight. Then I get up, attempt to burp her, and do the same process. Sometimes if I don't want to fight I will bring her into bed, but rarely. It takes some effort and getting used to, but he'll sleep through the nights sooner or later. He might wake up from being cold/too hot?
If he freaks out when he wakes up, and you automatically pick him up and do the rocking process, he knows that's what he'll get if is fussy. Just assure him his crib is his and that's where he sleeps and that you'll be there when he wakes up.. that everything is okay. It'll get easier over time and you'll find something new to worry about.