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Those with 3.5 year olds (or older), or maybe just a kid with a sibling?

AgrippaRidesAgainAgrippaRidesAgain member
in D.C. Area Babies

Did your LO go through a second stage of hitting, kicking, pushing, and biting?  I swear I thought we were done with this back when DS was still under 2.  We never had problems with it after he learned that words worked better.  The kid has gone insane lately though.  He hits or pushes, and then when we're taking him to time out for that, he starts kicking and biting.  He then either makes a game out of being in time out or he screams at the top of his lungs and kicks the wall the entire time.  If we take him up to his room to do time out there, he trashes it.  Then he gets more time outs when he refuses to clean it up after the fact.

I feel like he's a dog trying to establish dominance in the pack, but we're not going to let that happen.   

Help! 

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Re: Those with 3.5 year olds (or older), or maybe just a kid with a sibling?

  • umdbrideumdbride

    I obviously haven't been there, but recently I read an article (that I'm trying unsuccessfully to find and link) that said if you empathize with why he's acting out before issuing the discipline, it will work better.  For example, if he throws a fit because his sibling has something he wants, you would say, "I understand you're angry that sibling has your toy, but pushing is hurtful and not allowed, so you have to go to time out." 

    I'm sure the article explained it better - I'm pretty sure it was in Parents or Parenting, the early years. 

    again, I have no idea if it works IRL, but one parent in the article said it did Stick out tongue

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  • tracy042206tracy042206

    Maggie generally doesn't physically lash out but we do go through power struggle cycles with her behavior.  I will finally feel like we are doing so well and then back at it with the non-listening and we have to get super strict about it again.  It is like a cycle of them testing boundaries, being put back in their place, a stretch of good behavior and then more testing again.  We do have screaming and sometimes general thrashing about and it seems like when she just gets overwhlemed by her emotions and can't handle them - be it anger or sadness etc.  Your DS just may feel things more strongly as I feel is the case with Molly who really can get worked up about things and have trouble calming down where Maggie is more even keeled on a daily basis.

    I would just stay strong with enforcing the TO's and cleaning up after they make a mess.  It is hard for me to listen to Molly scream "I want to get out" from TO and I swear she is louder than Maggie ever was.  I just keep telling myself it will pay off.

    If you feel the TO's aren't working can you take toys away?  I know for some kids that is something that actually gets through when TO's are a game or no big deal to some kids.  I personally haven't read it yet but I know some people rec The Love Languages book for kids - then you get know what your kid values as a reward and what would actually be a punishment for them.

    I feel for you, I hate hate hate the power struggles.  I feel like my parents just told me they were in charge and I accepted it, but I highly doubt that was the way it went.

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  • 2vthokies2vthokies
    DD1 was 3 in Aug, DD2 is almost 15 months.  DD1 has not gone through another bitting/hitting phase, but she definitely is boundary testing and sassing back - so verbally hitting, IYKWIM.  TO doesn't really work anymore, but threatning to not read books at bedtime or similar type of with-holding works like a charm.  When DD2 physically assaults DD1 (pulls her ponytail or braid, etc.) it usually hurts and she just cries.  I expect her to react physically, but oddly, she doesn't.  I have noticed that if she is acting out of anger or not getting her way, if I ignore her for a few minutes, then empathize with her and offer to give her a hug, kiss or cuddle, the situation is diffused much faster.  It's still frustruating and I have to work really, really hard not to engage in a power struggle.  She definitely tests me much more than DH who basically folds anytime she wants/demands anything (grr).
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  • AgrippaRidesAgainAgrippaRidesAgain member
    Aaaand, he went to bed early with no dinner and no stories because he thought throwing food and then hitting me when I sent him to timeout was a better option than eating. We told him he was obviously tired, so he is in bed an hour early. More time for us to drown our sorrows and call Super Nanny.
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  • KarenbirdKarenbird
    My 3.5 yo is definitely pushing every button she can find.  1,2.3 Magic is, well, magical.  I can put at least a temporary stop on the behavior before I lose my cool. 
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  • AgrippaRidesAgainAgrippaRidesAgain member
    imageKarenbird:
    My 3.5 yo is definitely pushing every button she can find.  1,2.3 Magic is, l, magical.  I can put at least a temporary stop on the behavior before I lose my cool. 
    We have been using it for two years. He now takes counting as his cue for two more incidents of bad behavior before he gets timeout. We have moved to just warning then timeout for most things. :-
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  • frogdognyfrogdogny

    I think it is fairly normal at that age. At least it was/is in our experience. DD1 went through a rather "violent" phase around that age (through a little while after turning 4). At the time, we attributed it to being in a class with mostly boys who seemed to be more "rough" when they played. She eventually got over it (for the most part ;). Now that DD2 is that age, she's been the same way. Not quite so violent, but she sure has her moments. She isn't around boys quite as much so that made us throw our original theory out the window and say it must just be an age/independence thing.

    We do one warning and then a time out followed by hugs and an apology. If they continue to misbehave, the timeouts get extended. I remember one day where I just kept putting DD2 in timeouts pretty much 3X an hour! DH thought it was pointless saying "clearly she doesn't get it or care". But by the 10th or so time, she was pretty upset about missing out on all the fun her older sister was having. The next day she was practically an angel! LOL. I'll also get her weak spot if I really need to... take away her bunnybear and/or her woobie. Even if it is daytime and she isn't using them, taking them out of her bedroom and putting them in an "away" place gives me back the upperhand. I've kept them overnight if I had to. That brings back the apologies and nice behaviour pretty quickly. LOL

    Stay strong. This too shall pass. :)

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