Sometimes life chooses for you..

cj1202 · December 2011

I realize this is propably an odd post. But being at 15 weeks, and having only told 2 people, which makes me sad. I think - why haven't I told anyone? How do I tell my parents? Why can't I be excited? But I am. When I saw the ultrasound, I smiled. But then I all the thoughts below crossed my mind.

I've been dating a guy for 5 months. Seeing that i am almost 4 months, that means - I'm having a baby with a stranger. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, already a super involved father of 2 (been divorced for 5 years), fantastic job, owns a house, family oriented, sweet to me, but it breaks my heart that it has to happen, this way.

Now, from knowing people and just reading through some of the conversations on this site- trust me, I know how blessed I am. Which is why I couldn't terminate. 27, super career driven,traveler, but besides that - I've never had to care about anyone but myself. I enjoyed what some people called being "selfish", but also made the most of my situation. I was told about 2 years ago due to an infection, I was most likely not going to be able to have children. The most likely, didn't mean zero, but it meant- if I wanted to have kids, I should start considering my options. At 25 - I didn't want kids or really to even get married. So even though it was a sad situation, I kept going. Still on birth control, because for me - I didn't even want to gamble.

So I meet this fantastic guy, we start dating, things progress. About 2 weeks after my no-show flow, I had to tell him. He was upset, as was I. But them he went to blame me, what hadnt I done, what can i do to fix it. We stayed up nights talking, crying, laughing, trying to come to a resolution.

His: He has already lost his 20s, he didnt want to lose his 30s.

Me: I never wanted kids. I wanted to be able to move wherever my career would take me.

So, we woke up one morning, he made me breakfast, and left me a note, to think about Napa.

And I went to my doc appointment, and the nurse practioner - made me feel at ease with choosing abortion. It was nice to hear an unbiased opinion. She told me I was still young, I barely knew this guy, I liked my job, I loved to travel, why would I give that all up , since I WAS the responsible one? I had followed the rules, I used protection, and this STILL happened.

So I made an "appointment". But you know, when you make certain choices or things are on your mind, that's all you see around you? Normally it was screaming annoying, filthy, rude children. But, no, now it was sweet, peaceful, adorable children. And trust me, I know that it will not always be one way or the other- but in my heart of hearts, I never could do it. So I cancelled my appointment.

When I told him this, I knew he was angry. And I felt horrible, I never wanted to ruin someones life or take away years from them. So I told him, AND meant it: I am choosing to keep this child, which is my choice, and I will not force you to partake in something you don't want or that you despise or hate. You do not have to be involved. But he said he could never be like that.

And that is where we are at - we are trying to get to know each other, while still coming to the realization that a baby is on the way. For about 2 months, he was super cold and distant from me, I mean, wouldn't even kiss me. And again I had to tell him: I'd rather be alone, than be lonely in a relationship. You don't have to be with me, just because we're having baby. Since then he's gotten better, but I still can't help but feel sad about it all.

This lil' wee one is coming into a world, where it wasnt expected or wanted. And now 2 strangers have to make the best of it. If this situation was EVER going to happen, I wanted to at least know, I loved the person and that they loved me, and that we could make it through. I don't know, does that sound unrealistic?

And now, I have to start telling people. I've told 1 close friend, which adds to the lonelieness factor, I want to be happy about it, but when people ask me my "story" or why, how do you make, I had sex with a guy after knowing him for 3 weeks and I somehow got pregnant, sound sweet? I think Im also afraid of the questions. Where are you going to live. Names. Schools. Doctors. I don't even know how to light a hot water heater, and I have to make life decisions for a human being that didn't have a choice of being assigned to me?

Now for the heartbreak piece that really gets me: An ex of 3 years, who I honestly believe is my other half - he reached out to me, apologizing, crying, saying how much he loved me and wanted us to be together. And as my timing is always crappy, how do you say: Well I want to still be with you, how do you feel about me having another man's baby? It broke my heart, because I know now more than ever, it won't ever work. Instead, I get to be with a man, who feels guilted by his own consience into being with me, not because he really wants to.

I guess, I'm not really looking for any response... just some sort of hope, that even though it won't be easy, it's not impossible.

I'm just so scared.I'm scared that I'm going to make all the wrong choices in life.

PrincessFiona9 · December 2011

Is adoption still an option for you? It sounds like you really don't want the baby, and there may be another family who is just waiting for this little one. You could even look into open adoptions if you wanted.

As far as the relationship goes, if you don't want to be with each other, then don't! He obviously is familiar with coparenting if he's divorced with kids already.

graduateyolanda · December 2011

I think you are nervous about how people may look at your situation, and that is perfectly normal. The ex, can have the opportunity to stay around, though he may want you to have a baby for him, within a year (subconsciously). As you stated you are career driven, and love to travel, none of this has to stop. And when someone asks you about the situation, say "sex", and if they need further detail, its not up for discussion. You are a grown woman, and what you choose to do with your body is your right, and no one else's business, unless they are sharing your body. You will be a good mom, I know I dont know you, but for you to be 27 yrs old, and career driven, with no children; I couldnt see you making the wrong choices. If anything you will probably be an over protective mom, and that is sometimes needed. Congrats!

Crystal318 · December 2011

Hey,

I read your story and it hits pretty close to home for me. I was 27 when I got pregnant. I never really cared if I had kids one way or the other. My family and friends would all tell you that they never thought I would ever have kids and I was okay with that. I enjoyed working, going to the gym, partying on the weekends, etc. I liked my alone time. I guess you could call it "selfish" if you wanted to but really I just think I was living my life for me. I had no one else to live it for....and that was okay.

When I found out I was pregnant I was honestly devastated. I had only been with the guy for about 7 months on and off. I wasnt married or engaged. I had always made my family so proud...in school and work, etc and now I was pregnant by a guy a barely knew!! My life as I knew it was over just like that...in one moment....one "pregnant" on the stick. I was so scared of what the future would bring.

I considered terminating but I just couldnt do it. I actually tried to talk myself INTO it. But I knew I could never live with that decision.

The further into my pregnancy I got, the easier it became and the more "excited" I got. It was fun to found out we were having a boy and to see the ultrasound pics, etc. But sometimes I just felt like I was going through the motions.

When my son was born he almost died. He spent 17 days in the NICU and all that could go though my head was "this is my fault, this is God's way of punishing me for considering terminating. I wasnt sure I wanted to have a baby and now that he is here and I love him, he is being taken away from me." I was the scariest 17 days of my life.

I found out while I was pregnant that my son's father was a drug addict so that threw some more aprehension into the mix.

Fast forward.....my son is a year old.

I have finally left his father after trying to battle and control his addict for the past year and a half. My son, he is 100% the love of my life! I live every waking moment for him. His picture is everywhere, he is all I talk about, i think about him all day long, I have never been more proud of anything in my whole life. And I swear I love him more and more everyday!!!

I am not going to lie to you, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I technically was not single until about a month and a half ago but having a drug addict as a partner is really not having a partner at all. I have pretty much been alone in this whole thing all along.

Do I miss life before baby? Not really. I do wish it were easier. I wish I had more help. But I would never trade it for the world. I have never had anything make as happy as he does. And at the end of the day after juggling work, day care, dinner, diapers, cleaning, baths, etc...when I hold him in my arms for those few minutes before I lay him in his crib, it makes it all worth it. I promise you that.

Sorry this was so long but you sort of remind me of me. Just stay strong and try to stay positive. Its not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it.

All of my family and friends admit that I have shocked them to death. I am a great mom and I know it. I never thought I would EVER be the way I am now. I am a mom (I still cant believe it). You just learn as you go. Doctors, day cares, trips to the grocery store with baby in tow, etc....you will just get the hang of it.

Good Luck to you. Keep your head up!

manda666 · December 2011

wow. this sounds very close to the situation i am going through right now. i am 27 and 17w4d pregnant. i have already been married and divorced, and the father of my baby is someone i had only been dating for 5 months when i discovered i was pregnant.

like you, i wasn't wanting children. i was on bc, and focusing on "me-time" and my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't really serious. when i found out i was pregnant i made an appointment to have an abortion. i got to the clinic, only to find out that my insurance didn't cover that place, and there was nowhere else for me to go locally.

i went to my dr and had an ultrasound just to find out how far along i was, and once i saw the baby i fell in love and knew i could not give that up. so i told my bf this, and he freaked out, broke up with me, and also told me he had been cheating on me for the past 2 months and wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.

that was almost 8 weeks ago, and since then i have had so much support from my family and friends, and though i am still absolutely terrified of being a mom, i am also really excited to see the blessing that has come into my life. when i was married, we had tried to get pregnant and couldn't, and i thought i would never have kids.

for some reason, this baby was meant to be, at this specific time. i don't know why that is just yet, but i know it's a good reason. whatever you choose for you and your baby, will turn out for your good and for the baby's good. i definitely wish you well and know there are alot of ladies here on these boards who will give advice and support.

cj1202 · December 2011

Wow. First offf- I want to thank all of you You are fabulous women, and you have helped make this situation, a little less scary. I know it is going to be tough, but to hear all of your stories, and to know, I'm not just living in zome bizzare-o world, as crazy as it is right now, is comforting.

Ashley Michelle06- I'm sure adoption is an option, but again - for me, I feel there is some purpose for me here. Not to say that adoption isnt and amazing gift in itself, but evne though I know it's going to be hard, I wouldn't be able to look at myself knowing I gave up a beautiful babe, just because I wanted to be single still? I can handle it in every aspect, it's just the shock of it all is still something I have to take in. As with the bf, we're working through things, we talk a lot, and I just feel he is so concerned about breaking his children's hearts, that he himself feels lost. And if it doesn't work out, I won't stay, but for now.. we will see where this crazy road leads us!

graduateyolanda- You are amazing I can't tell you how you helped put those few small things that were driving me nuts and keeping me up at night, at ease. Even though at times, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but you're right -- what does it matter to anyone else. And sadly, I never even thought- in 27, and now having a kid, which makes me responsible. I was looking at it, Im 27 and single, and having a baby, what will people think. I was going about it the wrong way...:)

Justsummie - I know.. and I should.. but at this point, he now assumes Im in a happy relationship, and doesnt want to interfer.He's cut off all communication, so that he can move on... And i know eventually we will be back in each other lives, as just friends, or in a relationship, but I know know either way he will be crushed a bit. But who wouldn't? For now, I have to give it a real shot with the guy Im dating, to be fair to anyone in the situation. Even though I love my ex, I have to be realistic, that sometimes- things arent meant to be.

Crystal318- Wow... the similarity is crazy. Lucklily for the most part, the dad, has been supportive, just lost and confused as what he is supposed to do. I'm so sorry to hear what you have to go through. I don't wish that upon anyone ...Sadly, every experience is a life lesson--- just don't know why some of them have to be so trying.But I love how positive you are, it really helps me to know, it's going to be hard and exhausting, but it's going to be worth it ... Question though-Do you/did you work? How do you make that work for you and your lil one? Again - as nutty as it sounds I LOVE what I do, and I don't want to stop, but I am willing to compromise as needed Best of luck!

manda666- Thank you for sharing So motivating to hear from all of you. Honestly, it touches my heart, that we go through this, only to bring someone amazing into the world that we never though could change us- but does Can I ask -- how did you go about tell your family? Not that they will judge me or be angry, I know they will be supportive of me ( my mother had my sister at 18..), but I feel they may cry, first out of concern and then out of happieness. I know there is probably no easy way to do it, and the anticipation of tell them is probably never wracking than just "pulling the trigger", but I'm scared, even thought I know it will be ok -- it freaks me out. I feel once I tell them, I can begin telling others -- I want so badly to share the news

Thanks again ladies You are amazing, strong, motivational women and your kiddos are sooo soo blessed to have such an amazing, loving woman as their mother You have no idea how much you have helped!

Crystal318 · December 2011

cj1202:

Wow. First offf- I want to thank all of you You are fabulous women, and you have helped make this situation, a little less scary. I know it is going to be tough, but to hear all of your stories, and to know, I'm not just living in zome bizzare-o world, as crazy as it is right now, is comforting.

Ashley Michelle06- I'm sure adoption is an option, but again - for me, I feel there is some purpose for me here. Not to say that adoption isnt and amazing gift in itself, but evne though I know it's going to be hard, I wouldn't be able to look at myself knowing I gave up a beautiful babe, just because I wanted to be single still? I can handle it in every aspect, it's just the shock of it all is still something I have to take in. As with the bf, we're working through things, we talk a lot, and I just feel he is so concerned about breaking his children's hearts, that he himself feels lost. And if it doesn't work out, I won't stay, but for now.. we will see where this crazy road leads us!

graduateyolanda- You are amazing I can't tell you how you helped put those few small things that were driving me nuts and keeping me up at night, at ease. Even though at times, I'm sure it's easier said than done, but you're right -- what does it matter to anyone else. And sadly, I never even thought- in 27, and now having a kid, which makes me responsible. I was looking at it, Im 27 and single, and having a baby, what will people think. I was going about it the wrong way...:)

Justsummie - I know.. and I should.. but at this point, he now assumes Im in a happy relationship, and doesnt want to interfer.He's cut off all communication, so that he can move on... And i know eventually we will be back in each other lives, as just friends, or in a relationship, but I know know either way he will be crushed a bit. But who wouldn't? For now, I have to give it a real shot with the guy Im dating, to be fair to anyone in the situation. Even though I love my ex, I have to be realistic, that sometimes- things arent meant to be.

Crystal318- Wow... the similarity is crazy. Lucklily for the most part, the dad, has been supportive, just lost and confused as what he is supposed to do. I'm so sorry to hear what you have to go through. I don't wish that upon anyone ...Sadly, every experience is a life lesson--- just don't know why some of them have to be so trying.But I love how positive you are, it really helps me to know, it's going to be hard and exhausting, but it's going to be worth it ... Question though-Do you/did you work? How do you make that work for you and your lil one? Again - as nutty as it sounds I LOVE what I do, and I don't want to stop, but I am willing to compromise as needed Best of luck!

manda666- Thank you for sharing So motivating to hear from all of you. Honestly, it touches my heart, that we go through this, only to bring someone amazing into the world that we never though could change us- but does Can I ask -- how did you go about tell your family? Not that they will judge me or be angry, I know they will be supportive of me ( my mother had my sister at 18..), but I feel they may cry, first out of concern and then out of happieness. I know there is probably no easy way to do it, and the anticipation of tell them is probably never wracking than just "pulling the trigger", but I'm scared, even thought I know it will be ok -- it freaks me out. I feel once I tell them, I can begin telling others -- I want so badly to share the news

Thanks again ladies You are amazing, strong, motivational women and your kiddos are sooo soo blessed to have such an amazing, loving woman as their mother You have no idea how much you have helped!

Yes, I work full time. I have been at my current job for almost five years. I worked until the day before I was induced and came back eight weeks later after my c-section.

I get up and get myself ready and then get my LO up and get him ready and take him to day care. I get all of our stuff ready the night before (our clothes, his bottle, etc). I bring a bulk of diapers and wipes to the day care so they have them there and I dont have to bring them everyday. The day care provides all the table foods and milk now that he is on solids and off formula. It seems scary but you will make it work!

I dont know what you do for work but I dont think you will have to stop. It is not selfish of you to want to continue to work and make money and have benefits and be successful! Part of being a mother is providing for your child and thier future. My ex tries to make me feel guilty that I only see LO for 3 hours a day (in the evening after work). What am I supposed to do??? I work full time so that my LO has health insurance, so I have 401K, life insurance, etc. Someone has to be the responsible adult in this situation and obviouslly he is not.

I try to stay positive. It is hard sometimes and sometimes I find myself slipping and feeling sorry for myself. But your LO can tell how you are feeling so I try to keep that in mind. Staying positive and trying to remember to take care of myself has really helped me get through this.

Good Luck to you. PM if you want to.

computernerd · December 2011

I was so happy to see the title of this thread, that has become my motto as of late. I am 32, divorced this year, started seeing a man - nothing serious, and then lo and behold I find out I'm pregnant. This, after 4 years of trying to get pregnant with my ex-husband and nothing. 7 months off and on with boyfriend, and apparently it's baby time! I am actually very excited, but unfortunately my family is horribly ashamed. All my parents could ask when I told them was if I knew who the father was. Nice, eh?

I know you weren't asking for other stories, I just want you to know that I understand your feelings of being scared. I go from being excited to terrified at least twenty times a day. I wish you the best of luck.

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