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howleyshell
member
Death of a grandparent
howleyshell
member
Has anyone navigated this process before?
Any advice to share on how you framed things or things that you said that you think helped them understand and process thru this kinda thing?
Also anyone who helped a young child process a terminal illness?
My dad's got maybe 8 months.
As soon as I pull myself together I need to figure out how to best help my kids deal with this.
We're going to visit soon and I'm not sure if I'll take the boys back once he starts to look ill but I'm also wondering how to help them understand and process seeing a visible physical deterioration?
TIA for any help and I'm sorry that you're able to answer this question at all...
Our IF journey: 1 m/c, 1 IVF with only 3 eggs retrieved yielding Dylan and a lost twin, 1 shocker unmedicated BFP resulting in Jace, 3 more unmedicated pregnancies ending in more losses.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Death of a grandparent
First off, I am so sorry to hear this and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.
I haven't quite dealt with this yet with my children's grandparents but I lost all of mine before college and our good friend and the girls god father has a terminal illness and is rapidly deteriorating. At this point he can no longer speak.
With them, dealing with our friends progression, we are straight forward but don't talk about then end. He is sick, he can't talk, he loves you very much, let's send him _____ to make he feel happier/put a smile on his face (note: we do not say better as we don't want to confuse them and that is not even a hope in this case).
We also have talked about death, not in any big way or connected to him, but as a fact of life. For example, I had some fresh flowers, we cut the steps, and cared for them gave them fresh water, but eventually they died. We have talked about the chemicals mommy uses to clean and why we put them up high, and that they aren't to touch and if they get in their eyes, it could sting, if they drink it they could get sick or die. There are a couple disney movies where death occurs, Bambi, Lion King, even Cinderella whose mom and dad death is the premise of the story. The little one of course doesn't have any idea, but the big one understands the concept.
My grandmother died from an aggressive form of cancer. I was in grade school, maybe 6th grade when she was diagnosed and 7th when she died. We weren't told what was going on, (I have two sisters, one 3 years older, one 5 years younger). There were many hushed conversations and noticeable unease that was covered by feigned happiness. We didn't know she was sick for sometime, and I disliked that very much. She also didn't want us to remember her sick, which means for my younger sister, she has few memories of her at all. As an adult, I understand why my parents shielded us for so long as there was the chance she might make a recovery and I understand her desire for us to have happy memories for our time together.
I don't think there is any good way to deal with the death of a loved one, and everyone processes those emotions differently.
I'm so sorry you are facing the loss of your father. My parents, and DH's parents are still living and doing well so I haven't faced this issues myself. But my grandmother, whom my child knew and spent time with, died two months ago. She was 83 and got listeria and got very sick. I knew about her illness but thought she was on the mend so I didn't mention it to DS. About 2 weeks into her illness, I found out she was going to have to stay in a nursing home. By then the acute illness had improved so she wasn't contagious so we took DS to visit.
She was thankfully totally coherent and happy to see us, but she spent our whole visit talking with me and DH about her funeral. We had discussed it before so I was happy to oblige (unlike her other visitors). Anyway, DS sang her a song and sat with her and then went outside to play. She took a turn the following day and when I found out I told DS that my gramma was very sick, that her body was failing and she was dying. I told him plainly that it made me sad and I wanted to go see her. He was empathetic but worried about me and I decided to stay with him since it was almost bedtime and she was over an hour away.
I visited her the next day while he was at school and she died that night. I told DS the truth. And we started talking then about her funeral -- which I phrased as a special church service where we would talk about her and say goodbye, that people would be sad, but that we were okay. I talked about the burial.
Anyway, I used honest language in simple terms and didn't go into depth unless he asked. He took all of it on face value and was fine at the funeral mass and graveside service. He didn't see her often (maybe 6 times a year at group gatherings, and 2 times with just us) so I think she just isn't a person he misses just yet. The story would be totally different if it were my parents, one of whom is his nanny and the other he has a more interactive relationship with. He had been exposed to the idea of death since he was a baby -- my mom, his nanny, lost her mother when DS was 6 months old and she has been grieving since then. I think he gets that people die, it makes those of us living who miss then sad, but we go on.
I'm sure it will be quite different for you but I hope this is helpful in some way.
We have not lost any of our parents but we did have to work through the loss of DH's grandfather and of a pet. In our cases it was not a terminal illness so I can't help in that regard.
In our cases, when the deaths occurred, it was recommended to us to not use the words "sick" but explain instead, grandpa had cancer or his heart wasn't working right, etc. If you use sick and then you or someone else get sick (i.e. random cold, etc) and use the terms, LO may then fear you will pass too.
It was also recommended that you not use the words sleeping if open casket, etc. as they will expect the person to wake up, etc. Depending on your religion or viewpoints, we tailored it that way for our LO.
So sorry to hear your family is going through this!
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO