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Military Families
Returned from Deployment and DD screams when he is around at night
My DH left for his 7 month deployment when my DD was 6 months old. He returned a little over a month ago, when she was 13 months. DD has not taken to having her Daddy home very well. She is fine with him during the day time for the most part, unless I leave them alone together and she flips out. She plays with him, smiles, laughs, etc. But at night time when he goes in to comfort her she screams bloody murder. It really hurts his feelings that she will only allow me to console her. I was hoping that after a couple of weeks she would start to warm up to him at night, but it has just gotten worse. Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to deal with the situation? We try to comfort her together, but she pushes his hand away and reaches out for me. Any advice would be helpful, thanks!
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Re: Returned from Deployment and DD screams when he is around at night
DS had a similar issue. DH put him to bed the night before he left (didn't see him the next morning because it was so early) and for several months he refused to let DH get him ready for bed, put him down for naps, give him a bath, put him down for bed, nothing. It was bad and hurt DH badly, but he tried to understand.
The best thing is just to leave for a while during the times she has a hard time. Make it known you'll be gone and only daddy is there. It really helped DS because he knew there was no way I'd be there to comfort him and DH was going to be there for him.
Right now you're her constant and it's thrown off balance. She needs to relearn that there's more than one constant of comfort and affection.
Thanks so much for responding. I think I'm going to start going out for longer periods so she gets used to being with just him. Hopefully like you said she will realize that there is more than one person who is there for her to give her comfort and attention.
I think another problem was when he left she was still exclusively breastfeeding and so I was always the one to put her to sleep. But like you said she will adjust, it will just take some time. It breaks my heart to see DH because he tries so hard and he feels like she 1) doesn't know him and 2) doesn't love him.
My Husband left when LO was 3 month old. He came back when he was 8 month. It took a while until LO let daddy do things. Its still hard sometimes because hubby workes a lot so we dont get to see him as much.
I never left LO alone with hubby the first few weeks. We did everything together, change him, feed him, roock him,.....so LO can get used to him. It took a while but its pretty good now.
I see things a little differently. I think your DH needs to just be patient. It is going to take time to make things go back to normal. This is what sucks about deployment. She didn't choose it, and I don't think you should force her to get used to it(NOT that you are.) Let him keep spending lots of time with her during the day and build on that. But honestly, most kids want their mom in the middle of the night anyway. Especially a small baby. That might happen even without the deployment.
I understand him having hurt feelings, but it isn't her "fault" so she should be given lots of time to adjust and bond.
GL. I know it is hard, I have been through this with both my dd's.
It could also be a stage. DH hasn't deployed since DD was born but around that age she went through a HUGE mommy only phase. She freaked out if he picked her up or I left the room. It sucked. Just these past few weeks she has finally shown signs of getting over it. I'm sure the phase is 10X worse with your DH being gone so long.
Best advice is to give them lots of time alone. It won't be fun at first but it is needed for both of them. For us I started leaving the house after dinner for a walk around the block while DH did bath time and pjs/books. DD does better if she knows I'm gone and now she enjoys her time talking to daddy while she plays in the bath. Eventually we extended it to DH putting her to bed. This week I've been letting him get up 1/2 the time in the night when she wakes.
Good luck and tell your DH it will pass. It broke DHs heart and his confidence went down the tube. Blah!
Thanks so much for the ideas. I think it might be a bit of seperation anxiety stage too. I'm going to definitely try to leave her alone with him for some extended periods. He was doing bath, books, and pj's with her, but he is now on swing shift so he isn't around at bed time. Looks like we will try some morning time with Daddy alone for the time being. I apperciate the support!