Lurker — The Bump
June 2011 Moms

Lurker

I am frustrated with life. My pregnancy was a surprise. I was very hesitant about continuing, but my boyfriend insisted. We now have our baby, and I thought things would click by now. I feel disconnected from our child. We argue a couple times a week. I cannot shake this depressed feeling. I stopped working last week. I just cannot do it anymore. I'm not sure I want to go on like this, but am unsure what my next step should be. I would like to pack everything up and go to my fathers home, but he is nearing foreclosure, and will likely get a one bedroom apartment once he loses his house. I don't make enough money to support myself, much less me & my child. I feel very stuck. Honestly, I don't even want to celebrate Christmas. It will be my child's first Christmas, and I know I should want the best for him, but I just don't. I don't feel like mother material.

Re: Lurker

  • I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  Please talk to your doctor b/c it sounds like you may have PP depression.

    If you decide to move out, you'd probably be eligible for WIC to help with expenses.

    Is there anyone you trust to talk to and help you make a plan?  Friend, relative, pastor?

    I think if you start by dealing w/your depression you will feel more connected w/your child and you'll be able to think more clearly and make a plan.

    You are not a bad mom, and it is ok to ask for help. 





  • If this isn't some sort of outrageous MUD under a made up name then I recomend seeing a therapist as it sounds like you have post partum depression. 

    I am unclear if when you say you want to pack up and move in with your father if that means with or without your child. 

    And if this isn't MUD then I'm truely sorry for thinking it is but you only have one post ever and even lurkers post once in awhile.

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  • First, *big hug*.

    Second, try to erase any mental image you have of what being a mother *should* look like. Try to decide what's going to work for you and then work it that way.

    Have you talked to your Dr about possible post partum depression? It's very common and the right doctor can help you through it if that's what's going on. You don't have to feel so hopeless.

    Do you have any other mom friends? I think that might help you a lot. I know my mom friends are my core support group and I couldn't do it without them, even though I do have a supportive husband. If not, join us here for more conversation, and you can at least have some online mom friends! :)

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  • I would move with my child. I do feel disconnected from her, but I want to repair that. I feel stuck in this situation, and with my SO.
  • image hopeless87:
    I would move with my child. I do feel disconnected from her, but I want to repair that. I feel stuck in this situation, and with my SO.

    Does he want to be involved with LO? He can be involved with her without being romantically involved with you, so you aren't stuck. Have you talked to him at all about how you feel?

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  • I sincerely hope this isn't MUD, but I suspect it may be.  Your first post refers to your child as a boy

    image hopeless87:
    It will be my child's first Christmas, and I know I should want the best for him, but I just don't. I don't feel like mother material.

    And your second post refers to your child as a girl.

    image hopeless87:
    I would move with my child. I do feel disconnected from her, but I want to repair that. I feel stuck in this situation, and with my SO.

    So which is it?

    If it's not MUD, I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.  Definitely talk to your doc.

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  • image CarlaAndJames:

    image hopeless87:
    I would move with my child. I do feel disconnected from her, but I want to repair that. I feel stuck in this situation, and with my SO.

    Does he want to be involved with LO? He can be involved with her without being romantically involved with you, so you aren't stuck. Have you talked to him at all about how you feel?

    I would be moving out of the area. He would attempt to be in her life, but we both live paycheck to paycheck, and I highly doubt he could make the trip that often. We have talked about going our separate ways, but I always choose to stay together b/c I don't think I could make it w/o him. Mostly it is my financial situation that makes me feel stuck. 

  • image gymnst1013:

    I sincerely hope this isn't MUD, but I suspect it may be.  Your first post refers to your child as a boy

    image hopeless87:
    It will be my child's first Christmas, and I know I should want the best for him, but I just don't. I don't feel like mother material.

    And your second post refers to your child as a girl.

    image hopeless87:
    I would move with my child. I do feel disconnected from her, but I want to repair that. I feel stuck in this situation, and with my SO.

     

    So which is it?

    If it's not MUD, I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.  Definitely talk to your doc.

    I was thinking the same thing

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  • image gymnst1013:

    I sincerely hope this isn't MUD, but I suspect it may be.  Your first post refers to your child as a boy

    image hopeless87:
    It will be my child's first Christmas, and I know I should want the best for him, but I just don't. I don't feel like mother material.

    And your second post refers to your child as a girl.

    image hopeless87:
    I would move with my child. I do feel disconnected from her, but I want to repair that. I feel stuck in this situation, and with my SO.

    So which is it?

    If it's not MUD, I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.  Definitely talk to your doc.

    Total MUD!  I started feeling all bad for calling MUD with my first post and started writing advice and realized half way through what I was going to say (I type fast) to you that your original post spoke of a boy and your subsequent post answering my question about moving with your child you refered to it as a girl.  I'm back to MUD. 

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  • I spoke with my SO about depression, and he feels that it is not PPD b/c it would have happened sooner. I mentioned going on prozac, but he doesn't want me on medication b/c it is a quick fix. He is OK with therapy. I have been on anti-depressants before, and it did help. I am terrified of telling him the full truth about everything. If I were to tell him that I didn't want to live, then what? Maybe he is supportive, or maybe he decides that I am unfit to care for a child, and uses it against me in a custody battle. It is difficult to confide in someone that may use your own words and feelings against you.
  • It isn't MUD. I don't see the point in MUD. I have a daughter.
  • image hopeless87:
    I spoke with my SO about depression, and he feels that it is not PPD b/c it would have happened sooner.

    First of all, unless your SO has a medical degree, then what does he know?  Second, PPD doesn't necessarily happen immediately after giving birth.  Third, it sounds like you've had problems for a while.

    Go to your doc.  You probably need meds and therapy.  Either that, or to be dramatic, consider finding an adoption attorney so you can find a good home for your baby.  

    Also, because you sound so sincere, I'm going to chalk your pronoun mistakes up to typos.

  • You have a boy.  No you have a girl.  MUD.  Why are you wasting your time going on message boards and writing these big long sagas that are fake?   Whoever you are, you definately need help for wanting so much attention. 

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  • image hopeless87:
    I spoke with my SO about depression, and he feels that it is not PPD b/c it would have happened sooner. I mentioned going on prozac, but he doesn't want me on medication b/c it is a quick fix. He is OK with therapy. I have been on anti-depressants before, and it did help. I am terrified of telling him the full truth about everything. If I were to tell him that I didn't want to live, then what? Maybe he is supportive, or maybe he decides that I am unfit to care for a child, and uses it against me in a custody battle. It is difficult to confide in someone that may use your own words and feelings against you.

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/  This states that PPD can start up to a year after birth.  Have you tried therapy?  It would be a great place to start, but if you need medication, you need it.  PPD is caused by a chemical imbalance.  If you needed insulin for diabetes, would he not want you to take it bc it is a quick fix?  Honestly, he's a d-bag if he doesn't want you to get the help you need. 

    If you really feel like you don't want to live, please, please talk to someone.  Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255       





  • image kimbo1216:

    Go to your doc.  You probably need meds and therapy.  Either that, or to be dramatic, consider finding an adoption attorney so you can find a good home for your baby.  

    It is impossible to put a child up for adoption that has one biological parent opposed. Not to mention that I am sure I would regret it once I do feel better. My SO is a good father. I do love him, but we have always argued. It always turns into an "I'm leaving" argument. Horrible things are said, and it's too much. At this point, there is no doubt that life will continue as it has. We will always argue, and intentionally try to hurt the other person (emotionally). 

  •  I don't think it should matter so much whether this is MUD mainly due to the strong possibility that it may not be MUD and this poor woman is pouring her heart out and then gets antagonized online. Sure there is a possibility it is MUD, but it's also just as likely that this is actually a frequent June mom or occasional lurker who created this new handle because she doesn't even want to admit her feelings to online strangers who might recognize her name. So calm down on the MUD stuff people..I know it might be MUD, but think of the consequences of such harsh words if it is not...


  • image runnergrl6675:

    You have a boy.  No you have a girl.  MUD.  Why are you wasting your time going on message boards and writing these big long sagas that are fake?   Whoever you are, you definately need help for wanting so much attention. 

    I have seen MUD on these boards. It is awful. I never have and never will reply to a post accusing anyone of this. I'm sure it happens. But what if I was wrong? I would rather keep quiet.

    It is definitely, not definately. 

  • image hopeless87:
    I have seen MUD on these boards. It is awful. I never have and never will reply to a post accusing anyone of this. I'm sure it happens. But what if I was wrong? I would rather keep quiet.

    It is definitely, not definitely. 

    I'm sorry you are going through this.  It doesn't matter if your SO thinks you have PPD or not.  No matter what you call it, you are clearly depressed.  As for finances, not being married, you should qualify for WIC no matter what. Get help with finances first so that's one less thing to stress over.  Second, talk to your doc.  I know it's hard, but it sounds like a necessity at this point.  None of us will really be able to help you.

  • I will go to therapy. Thank you to the Moms who were helpful.
  • image hopeless87:
    image kimbo1216:

    Go to your doc.  You probably need meds and therapy.  Either that, or to be dramatic, consider finding an adoption attorney so you can find a good home for your baby.  

    It is impossible to put a child up for adoption that has one biological parent opposed. Not to mention that I am sure I would regret it once I do feel better. My SO is a good father. I do love him, but we have always argued. It always turns into an "I'm leaving" argument. Horrible things are said, and it's too much. At this point, there is no doubt that life will continue as it has. We will always argue, and intentionally try to hurt the other person (emotionally). 

     

    You are right-- you can't put her up for adoption if her father wants her-- maybe you should sign custody over to him, with visitation by you, and get everything straightened out in your own life first.

    BTW- sounds like you are eligible for WIC.

    It sounds like you need to break up, and think about moving in with your father if you have nowhere else to go. A 1bd apt isn't a deterrent-- you can sleep on the couch with the baby in a PnP- tons of people here do it.

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  • If this isn't MUD, I strongly encourage you to talk with your doctor.  As a PP said, unless your SO has a medical degree, and you've talked honestly with him, he shouldn't be able to diagnose you as having/not having PPD.  Please, please talk with your doctor.  PPD doesn't have to happen immediately after birth.  For your sake, and your babies sake please talk to your doctor.  

    Also, please don't dwell on what a mother should be.  There are many types of mothers out there - there isn't a mold that we all have to fit in.  Hopefully if you stop thinking about what you SHOULD be, you'll be able to develop a relationship with your LO.


  • image hopeless87:
    image runnergrl6675:

    You have a boy.  No you have a girl.  MUD.  Why are you wasting your time going on message boards and writing these big long sagas that are fake?   Whoever you are, you definately need help for wanting so much attention. 

    I have seen MUD on these boards. It is awful. I never have and never will reply to a post accusing anyone of this. I'm sure it happens. But what if I was wrong? I would rather keep quiet.

    It is definitely, not definately

    Snap, you got me. 

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  • I don't think this is MUD. The funny thing about people who say "this is mud! this is mud! i hate mud!" is that if you truly thought it was MUD and hated it, then you wouldn't add to the D by responding.

    Counseling is great. I worked in Behavioral Health for a year, and it was my favorite job. We all have rough patches. Some far worse than others. Everyone needs help sometimes. I seen so much there. It really changed my perspective.

    I would not suggest signing over custody. I don't know all the details, but call legal aid in your county. I know my friend signed over custody to her parents when she was arrested (8 years ago), and they said they would give him back once she got everything straightened out. She settled down, married, had more children, and they still wouldn't give him back. I'm not saying your SO would do this, but you should do everything possible to protect yourself and your LO. 

     

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  • Please, please talk to someone. Start with your OB, or if you have a therapist you already trust, go there. It sounds like you want medication and your SO is pressuring you not to get it. He's not a dr, and he's not living in your head, he doesn't get to decide. PPD is real, and it's a chemical imbalance. It's not anything you did, or that you are doing to make you disconnected from your child and making you not want to live. You can correct that by getting help.

    You can also call 211 in your area - they will put you in touch with resources both financially and otherwise. There is WIC like the others mentioned, but there are many other resources out there to help you get on your feet. You aren't alone. And you don't have to continue on the same path you're on because you are stuck.

    If this is MUD, worst case scenario is I look a little silly, but even then it's possible another lurker struggling with PPD will see the advice here and get the courage to get help.

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  • image supermom83:

     I don't think it should matter so much whether this is MUD mainly due to the strong possibility that it may not be MUD and this poor woman is pouring her heart out and then gets antagonized online. Sure there is a possibility it is MUD, but it's also just as likely that this is actually a frequent June mom or occasional lurker who created this new handle because she doesn't even want to admit her feelings to online strangers who might recognize her name. So calm down on the MUD stuff people..I know it might be MUD, but think of the consequences of such harsh words if it is not...

    I couldn't agree with you more. 

    To OP: Seriously speak with your doctor. It is true that it can hit you up to one year later. I was fine up until about 6 weeks ago and have been struggling a little lately. Not sure if it's PPD but I plan on calling my doc this week to get an appt. It's nothing to fvck around with and you should definitely try to reach out for the help you need. Asking for help doesn't make you weak - NOT asking does. Best of luck to you and I hope you start feeling better soon. ((hugs))

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  • OP: 1. Please talk to a doctor about your depression issues.

           2. Move out. Leave your BF. If you take your baby with you or not right now you need to leave him to get clarity. 5 years ago I was in a situation where I felt very unhappy and trapped in my life. It was all due to my ex. I also did not want to leave solely based on financial issues but I did it. I left and lived with a friend of the family (my parents left the state and live in a very small town and I had a job with great growth opportunity I didn't want to leave) I slept on a sofa for 6 months. I left with nothing more than some clothing and a night stand but I couldn't have been happier. That boy put me threw hell but I came out the other side a much stronger and happier person. One thing that really helped was the support of my great friend. This friend was there for me no matter what and w/o them I would not have made it. If you need some support (and I know you will) PM me I know what you are up against is the most difficult thing in your life. I have made it and I know you can find the happiness you deserve, you just need someone to keep you motivated as to what your moving towards.

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