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Two Under 2
Echowysp
member
They keep fighting. Sigh.
Echowysp
member
in Two Under 2
Now that dd is old enough to want things and get into things, it's been lots of spats between the two of them. And it's driving me crazy.
If dd has something, suddenly ds HAS to have it and will rip it from her hands. That starts dd crying and even if I give it back to her, her pride is hurt and she will cry for a while. And meantime, ds is crying because I made him give it back. Even if it's something that he's never had an interest in before, if she's got it, he has to have it.
And forget it if one of them wants to get on my lap. Fighting and crying commence.
I try to teach him to share. I know dd can't understand it yet, but he also doesn't seem to understand that she's a baby.
Sometimes they play together/parallel nicely, but there are always squabbles. Am I alone?
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Re: They keep fighting. Sigh.
You aren't alone.
Everyone on this board seems to think it gets easier as they get older, and for me it got A LOT harder once DS started crawling and getting into DD's "space". My son would just be curious, but my daughter would get frustrated and she would scream, he would cry, occasionally one of them would hit... A MESS. A maddening, frustrating, tear-inducing (for me) mess. There was a point that I couldn't leave them alone in the play room for even one minute because I was worried one would get hurt. And because my husband is deployed, that meant cooking/cleaning or doing ANYTHING other than being a "referee" was impossible. I was literally at the very end of my rope for awhile.
The good news is that it gets better. My DD is much more patient with DS now and DS has learned that he can't just crawl up and grab things. On days where my older child is having a bad day, she can play alone in her room or in the pack 'n play. I suggest the pack 'n play. My younger one doesn't like it, but my older DD knows it is a place she can go to play ALONE and that DS can't get her stuff in there. It works for us.
It is getting better every day. I would say it started to really get better in the past month (DD is almost 2.5 and DS just turned 1). Hang in there! Be consistant. Make sure to discipline them both (even if it is just a show for the older one). I struggled because I felt like DD was always being punished for things she did to DS... therefore relating DS to being punished (and making her dislike him more). To break that cycle I had to try and ignore things more and correct DS too (so that DD learned that she isn't always the "bad guy"). It is a tough balance at this age. I read the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" and they had some good tips.. unfortunately, it is aimed mostly at older siblings, but some of the messages really made sense and can be applied to LOs.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
We have a lot of fighting going on around here too.
My older daughter has learned the word "mine" and well I don't think "sharing" is in her vocabulary.
I just make sure that I am always watching them and I reinforce being gentle, etc.
Your not alone
Not alone at all! Mine are 15 months apart. Once DS2 became more independent (crawling/cruising/walking), DS1 started to think of him as less baby and more of an equal (aka threat to "his stuff") and would do the exact same thing you described.
We modeled taking turns, and it felt like there was a huge chunk of time where all I was doing is refereeing whose turn it was, how to ask nicely and what to do instead of grabbing a toy. DS1 was actually okay with taking turns for a while, but lately we've gone back to grabbing and the ever dramatic fake crying when it's not his turn (he's be three in January...I'm assuming part of it is just a matter of his age). I agree with PPs about making sure you are talking about the issue to both kids, even if it is for show with the younger one for now. That way the older one doesn't think there is double standard.
On the upside, we've also gotten to the stage where they are playing together and plotting together and chatting together on a much more regular basis so when everyone is in a good mood, like is much more mellow than it used to be!! ... until DD comes along in April anyway.
Some tools that helped us:
1. "2 minutes". They have to ask nicely for a turn (older one at least) and then they have to wait 2 minutes for said turn. It sucks at first but eventually they understand that just because they want something doesn't mean they'll get it instantly. They also understand that they HAVE to share but have 2 minutes to finish up playing with said toy. By the time those 2 minutes have passed neither of them are usually all that interested in it any more. I had to be the voice of the younger child at first but now they do this on their own.
2. I taught the older child the bait and switch trick. I showed him that if he brought over a different toy for the "baby" that often the baby would drop the toy the older one wanted in exchange for the new/different one.
It's not fun but if it helps you at all it's SO much better now. They know I don't tolerate non-stop bickering and they also know that if it goes on too long they're both going to be playing alone in their rooms. They prefer to play together so I'll often hear them say to one another "let's work it out" as they start the problem solving process.
Set some ground rules, be patient and trust that in time they'll learn to navigate this stuff!!
It gets better, I promise!!!!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.