Blended Families
SD figuring it out on her own.
DH showed me a text from her this morning. She told him she was staying with a friend. But she still wants him to put money on the card because she really needs diapers.
Well kid...maybe you should ask the child's father buy you a box of diapers or go to a shelter for assistance. You two were adult enough to get preganant...you're adult enough to figure out how to put pants on the kid.
I don't know what DH is going to do. But this is a start. She's starting to figure out other options other than us. At least she's not coming here. The lovely boyfriend of hers probably said no to delivering her here.
I get a reprieve for now.
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Re: SD figuring it out on her own.
Is there not an ounce of compassion in you for her?
Her relationship is broke up, she is basically homless and struggling with a small baby.
I get you are tired of her BUT geeze your comment ' get a reprieve for now' seems kinda harsh.
I do Phantom, but as you said, I'm exhausted. I would LOVE for her and the baby to be here - especially for Christmas and to have a nice family holiday for a change, but I know that's a fantasy and a joke.
I know I gripe a lot on this board about her and her situation, but over the years I have set aside my differences and feelings to help her. Repeatedly. The last time she was going to come here, she and I were getting along. I was supportive of her and really made an genuine effort to build a relationship with her again. I publicly defended her the last time he kicked her out and was also willing to take her and her son in and give her the opportunity to start over and get back on track. She ran from it. And not only that, cussed us all out and told us that we had too many rules - which were basic, simple, and fair responsibilities that all adults are perfectly capable of.
I do worry about her and the child, but why should I waste my time and energy on someone who not only doesn't appreciate what DH and I are trying to do, but sees us as someone she can use? I know this. I have accepted this as the person she is. I'm not angry so much anymore, just very aware of the harsh reality of who my step daughter is. We are and always will be her temporary stop and rescuers until she finds the next temporary mess to get herself in. Or until we say no and refuse to be used over and over again.
Does that make me cold that I want to protect my daughter from someone like that? Maybe. But I have a little girl to think of and raise. I'm not going to sacrifice a quiet, peaceful homelife and her happiness to someone who doesn't appreciate that and who doesn't want that kind of life.
As far as her BPD disorder - I have offered many times to help her find help again and get back on medication if she needs it. She knows she has BPD, she is very high functioning compared to many others with this disorder, she knows she does better and was happier on the meds she had before her pregnancy - she chooses not to do anything about it. So I have a real hard time having compassion for someone who knowingly dismisses help that would significantly help to stabilize her life.
She wants this life she is living - and being homeless is sometimes a part of that life. There are shelters and programs for people that need assistance. Especially with babies. She could even get more financial assistance to go back to college that would help her pay rent, find childcare and pay for her schooling. She knows this. We offered that she do that here.She could have a had a healthy home environment, a roof over her head, food in her and her child's mouth, and got her life on track. She choosed to do nothing and go back to that drama filled life. Her choice.
So yeah. I feel kind of glad that I don't have to worry about having someone like that in my home. Are we forever expected to take on her drama and chaos? I don't think so. And I also think it's wrong to expect my daughter to take it on as well.
Yeah. I feel bad for her. I feel REAL bad for our grandson, but we can't keep taking on her problems. At some point you have to say "enough" and force them to start taking care of themselves. If that makes me harsh and cold hearted, then I will own that.
I have thought about this - sending her diapers - but she's never in one place for very long and we have offered several times to send her what she said she needed money for and she got very angry, saying it was ridiculous and gave every excuse for us not to send it. So we didn't give her anything.
Honestly, I think we need to let her sit and stew a little and maybe get really scared so she really sees what she's doing and not doing is serious. When she approaches us with the right tone and attitude that makes me believe she genuinely wants our help and really truly wants to get her life on track without all this drama - then I'd be willing to open my door again. I just don't think that's happening. Not with the rude tone of "WTF do I have to do to get your support??". When you need help, you don't approach anyone like that. She clearly is not ready for real help.
No, I 'know' you well enough to know you are not cold hearted.
But I disagree that your SD is choosing this life, she simply does not know any other way. A stable life does not come easy to a person who has never had it before. Some people survive / thrive in chaos because it is all they know.
she wouldn't know how to handle life wit you and DH when she is being driven by fear constantly.
I think your SD needs a lot of help, but I also don't think you can help her. She needs professional help. It sounds like she is in a world of pain and she does not have very high standards for herself - thats very sad considering she now has a baby.
I think a little understanding goes a long way, I'm not sure I buy the personality disorder, I think she is just very emotionally unstable. There is a world of hurt inside her and it is driving every decision she makes.
I actually forgot about your DD (sorry!) and taking that into consideration I certainly do not think you should have her come to your house.
BUT try to have a little compassion, I bet this is not the life your SD dreamed of.
I hope she gets help soon for her and the baby AND for you and DH sanity.
In all honesty I figured you most likely tried to help her out with that kind of stuff before. I know some people just want the money because they are not really being truthful about what they need it for. I think you are doing the right thing by being firm with her. You have a child and her home environment should be number one. Also I agree that it is very hard to find compassion in your heart for someone when you bend over backwards to help them and they walk all over you and don`t appreciate a thing. We go through it BM, whenever she needs a favor, we have done our best to help but never get so much as a thank you. She always asks with an attitude and like she is entitled so we have stopped helping her out.
Yea I know Littlejen, I guess I can kinda identify with your SD's a little in that I had quite a troubled teen life and into my early twenties.
BUT it easy to say i'd be compassionate when I am not dealing with the sh!t on a day to day basis.
I often wonder if I'm being too much of a hardass. Even recently, since I've had little contact with her I've grown more empathetic and I let my guard down a little. It comes and goes.
Right now, all I can do is focus on healing myself and keeping DD safe from it all. When SD gets her head on straight and starts being responsible and respectful like she was a year ago, I will be there for her. But not until then.
Who actually diagnosed her with BPD? Was she ever professionally dx? Because you can give meds to HELP with symptoms but it isn't going to stop the BPD... It's part of your personality - and BPD is treated ("not cured") with DBT and it takes many many years...
You may have answered this question before but I don't remember! Sorry. If I feel bad for anyone it's the baby
Any updates on the one daughter that had the baby that needed some kind of medical care? I hope that he is doing well!
My counselor suspected it when I was seeking help in trying to cope with all this drama. Not long after, SD made a fake attempt at suicide - she claimed to swallow bleach and take pills but there were no signs of the burn - she was in a mental facility for a little while and they diagnosed her then. I saw her records from her early teens. SD has also been diagnosed then as possible bi-polar and potentially a few other personality disorders. I know. Disturbing, but the counselors then I think were trying to put a label on her behavior to explain some of her erratic and extreme behavior. BPD did not exist then I don't think. I do know that it is possible to mis-diagnose, but this is probably the closest I think they come. She was prescribed meds for depression and was going to some counseling. She never stuck with it, but ever since she was on the depression meds, she did really, really good. She put a year and a half into college, had good grades, and was working steadily. She seemed like an entirely "normal" person. It was very promising.
She is very high functioning. She is not an extreme case but she does show all but one (possibly two ) of the signs/symptoms of BPD behavior.
You are correct - there is no meds to cure BPD, but they do help. When she got pregnant she had to go off of them and she has not gone back on despite my offering to pay for them and also help her find a means to go back into therapy. She hates therapy. Probably because it forces her to see what she's actually doing and own up to her behaviors, but she used to really want meds a lot and once rattled off several to me what she thought her doctor should prescribe her. Now since the baby she mysteriously does not want meds at all. Which I guess is a good thing, but when they helped stabilize her thinking and she was so on track...I don't know...it just makes sense to me.
And no, she is not breast feeding any more. So that is not why she is off of them now. She won't say why and I never dug too much.
Considering some of what I remember her asking for it always sounded like more of an "I want drugs" for the sake of doing drugs than it was really b/c she wanted help back then, and I would not be shocked if back then when she was with the drug dealer if she was trying some of those drugs and they made her feel good so she wanted more (I know my SD tried Xanax back when everything was getting bad, she only knew it by a street name and no clue what it was or did.) It sucks that she now if at the opposite side and refusing to even take something that would help her. Oh, and FWIW I think that a lot of Psychiatrists like to label kids with bi-polar just b/c they do not know what else to use, my SD got that dx when she was 17 too and I did not think she showed any of the signs or at least very few, and her therapist did not agree with it at all.
Prior to the suicide attempt, yes, I do believe she abused prescription drugs and sold them. We had a bottle of pain meds disappear once and I had to hide some medication of hers after she told me she was going to take the un-used meds and give it to her brother to sell. In fact, I know she used some kind of drugs when she ran off the first time. When they came back, she and her boyfriend looked like hell and very strung out like they were coming off of some high.
When she ran off the second time, I told her that I wanted to get her into some counseling. She did go a couple of times, but she told me that she hated counseling and all she wants is for the doctor to prescribe her drugs and then rattled off a bunch that "worked" for her in the past. I don't know if she really had any intent in selling them, abusing them or properly using them but it was clear then she had no serious intent on utilizing her time with the counselor wisely so I cancelled her sessions - and it wasn't long after that she ran off again any way.
This last time, she did seem to be using them wisely and I just assumed she was because she really was doing well.
I don't know really what to believe about her. I know her boyfriend is against drinking and drugs and does not want his kids around them and she very proudly told everyone that. She is very critical of people who drink and do drugs because of her mom who is a raging alcoholic. So even tho I know she's dabbled in them, it's not something she abuses for long. It kind of depends on who she's with I think.
A friend in Cheyenne has a son who dropped out this week. 16. But they are considering a military school somewhere around there that has a high success rate that he's actually interested in. Crossing our fingers it works out.
Hoping the best for you friend and her son.
Good luck - sending positive vibes to you!!