How do you not let it consume you?
MarSamWhitney
member
Any tips or tricks you can share with me? We are at odds with BM, but of course this could apply to anyone. How do you not let someone consume your thoughts? I keep rehashing everything, thinking of things to say..yadi yadi yadi.
On Monday night I asked God for help, and told him that I was handing it over. Tuesday, I made a concious effort to not think about it. While I was sleeping last night I got another text from BM, so of course I have been thinking about it all morning. If anyone has ANYTHING they can share, for dealing with difficult people, I would appreciate it.
The brief backstory is that we had SS (13) through the holiday weekend. On Sunday night after we dropped him off, we received a text message with a picture of SS?s face, and BM asking us to order this proactive kit for 85 dollars, because he came down here with ?2 medium pimples, and came back up with 11 large ones? H wrote her back to say that at this time we did not have 85 dollars to spend on that, but we would pick him up something stronger for down here. Since then, both of us have been receiving txt messages about how is it possible we can not afford to buy him face wash, and she is super mad. She doesnt understand how we can have a bday party for our LO's first bday, but not get him face wash. Last night at 1130pm I received another txt message of SS?s face with the text stating that now he is down to only 3 med sized pimples, the proactive is the only thing that works for him. It makes me physically ill when I hear the text message ding on my phone the past few days.
Re: How do you not let it consume you?
She has a point.
If it really is working for him then I think you should make an effort to get it.
I had a friend who swore by it and it really helped clear up her acne and helped tons with her confidence.
Personally, as a priority, I would hold it above a 1st birthday party in importance.
Sorry - I know thats not what you wanted to hear.
No, thats ok..Im open to hearing other opinions.
While the message is valid, harrassing you non-stop is not helping anyone. You probably had budgeted for your LO's bday and the holidays and an $85 expense was unexpected. Is there anyway that he can bring what he had with him for the next visit and then make room in your budget to buy it for next time?
I really feel bad for your SS. Kids know when their skin is breaking out and they don't look their best and having a picture of your flaws sent back and forth would be disheartening. My mom was relentless with our appearances as teenagers and I eas incredibly self conscious all the time.
Thanks for the advice. I feel so embarressed for SS too. I would have been mortified if my mom asked me to take a pic like that. lol. Maybe I could ask H to respond to her with what you said about give us some time. Truth be told, LO's party is rather small. Im making the food, the cake, and the invitations are from a dollar store that went out of business, so i got them for a quarter. lol.
It does get to the point where I feel like I am being harrassed, and having to justify my finances. I dunno. Maybe I am just being a whiney baby.
Thanks for your advice.
Okay 1. Proactive does not cost $85 dollars so she's full of it on that one. You can go to Wal-Mart and get it- not saying its cheap cheap but its not $85. I think I paid $35 for the 3 piece set last time. If she wants it- she can pay for it and if his acne is at that level then he might actually need to see a dermatologist. Young guys can be susceptible to a type of hormone induced acne and if its so dramatic that she feels she needs to be obnoxious then perhaps he needs to be seen (it has to be treated with prescription strength creams)- however I think a few pimples is nothing to get bent out of shape about.Really 11 sounds just about normal- I had acne really bad as well as my brother (his was the hormonal kind and he still fights with it at 22). He's a teenager-it happens.Tea tree oil works really well and I found that I got similiar results without all the extra drying with Neutrogena skin products. Sure the proactive was nice but I also found that it kind of lost its effectiveness pretty quick.
Obviously it isn't too bad because I'm sure ya'll would have gotten it for him if it seemed abnormal. I'm kind of odd though- Acnes a part of life all of us survived it.I wouldn't let her guilt you about the party- this is just BM trying to make it seem like you prioritize your kid over hers when that doesn't appear to be the case at all.
No you are not being whiny at all, if you don't have the money you don't have the money.
I'm not at all suggesting that your DS not have a party BUT really for your SS confidence I would place some importance on getting the proactive treatment. He is at that awkward age of 13.
Powerlessness really is the toughest of the emotions to deal with. BUT you have to accept that you cannot control anything she does or says.
Continue to make the effort to stop yourself when you start to think about her.
Can you text her and say 'hey i hear you, we will look at getting it for SS in the next month or so'. That way she may go away!
Really if you think about it she is just dealing with the same thing you are - powerlessness.
I don't know...he has brought it to our house before, not sure why it did not come this time. Truth be told, his skin is not that bad. It looks like normal teenage stuff. I did not see 11 gigantic zits on his face. She tends to exaggerate. I do understand that she does not want him to have acne. Possibly we could suggest a derma as well, the copay and script im sure would be much cheaper in the long run.
Thank you everyone.
It is a learn skill to let criticism of your devotion, love, respect, common sense, and parenting not bother you. I am still learning but it gets better every year.
One thing that made me quit taking it to heart is it was always something.
If she is that concerned to send multiple texts and pictures she should do something crazy like send his face wash with him. What a whacky idea!!!! Your SS is 13. She can't control your household but she can send her 13 year old with his face wash instructing him to use it. How off the wall?!?!?!?!?!
What I would find frustrating about this is that she is trying to dictate what happens in your household and how you should spend your money. Does she receive CS? Do you dictate how she spends that money? I hear a lot of complaining about how BM's spend CS and the consensus is always the same, it's none of our business, just like how you choose to spend your money is none of her business and you don't need to justify anything to her.
If you feel the need to respond, be firm. Saying something like "We unfortuantely cannot afford that at the moment but will looking at purchasing some in the near future." If she keeps responding, ignore it, as you have made your statement. Eventually she will get the point.
Does he have acne or just regular puberty pimples? If it's just pimples perhaps then see the dermatologist, watch his diet, etc...
I don't understand how she gets to dictate what happens in your household? I'm not saying leave the kid like the pimple faced monster but there are cheaper alternatives out there.
Where is your DH in all of this? It's time for him to hold the reigns. You need to either get him involved and have him tell her to stop bugging you, or I would delete ignore her texts/calls.
H was the one who wrote her back and told her we did not have the $ at this time, and she flipped her sh!t with tons of texts. H is very upset that she is trying to dictate how to spend our $/ what to do in our home- so he has pretty much shut down and wont respond to her. I think this is why she has turned to texting me so much. Its not all over the face large bumps, its normal teenage stuff. I have clearsil in the house, and an astringent. I truthfully did not notice it being bad. One of her texts did say "HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE HOW BAD HIS FACE IS!?! HOW DARE YOU NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?!"
Its texts like that that make me want to drive to Sprint and get my ph number changed. lol.
So there is hope for me? lol
This
This. We don't have separate stuff for SKs at our house, except the basics like soap, shampoo-stuff everyone uses. To me it's just like medicine-if the kid was on antibiotics you wouldn't go get a second prescription for when he's at your house.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
You text BM back (or e-mail her) and say: "Please direct all communication re: SS to DH. Thank you." if she continues to text, you say "I have asked you to direct all communication to DH. If these text messages continue I will forward them to my local police department and report it as harrassment". And then do so.
Also, the BS about you having a birthday party vs. buying this stuff: Your DH can respond to her with "The Birthday party is an unrelated issue. We will purchase proactive at a later date when we are able to afford it. Until that date, please send proactive with SS when he visits."
I thought the Proactive starter kit was like $19.99 or something.
I would look into options for SS and have him see a dermatologist, as others suggested, and shop for Proactive on your own to get an idea of prices.
I appreciate everyone different opinions and view points very much. Thank you for helping me see different sides of this and offer suggestions. We definitley dont want to be at odds with BM, and hopefully things will settle down soon. Ive got a lot to work on ;-)
We don't have the exact problem as you, so I went on the proactive site and there is no kit that cost $85. The most expensive one is $29.95!! So BM either got ripped off, or she's blowing smoke up your a$$ about the cost.
Also, as a side note...does SS have sensitive skin? I know that I always have and when I went different places I would break out. I found that a lot of this had to do with the water. I assume SS takes showers at your house. Is your water different from BM's? Detergent different? Fabric softener? I'm not suggesting that you sync all your household stuff with her, but if he has sensitive skin it could make a difference. Sleeping on sheets that are washed and dried with different detergents/softeners etc.
I actually wish our BM cared MORE about the hygiene of the kids. SS usually comes back from an entire weekend and hasn't brushed his teeth, showered, or applied deodorant at all...... he's 13 too.....
I never thought of that..the water is def different, they have a well, we have city water. Definitley different pillow cases, etc.. I know..I have no clue where she got the 85 dollars from, as I once had proactive. I totally get that she wants SS to have nice skin, who wouldnt want that for their child. I just feel like everything is taken to the extreme. Maybe I will act differently when I have a 13 yr old, who knows! lol.
Thanks for the advice!
There is this theory out there that when you ask God or the powers that be for assistance - whether it be to lose weight, grant you patience, help you cope with something in particular - that is when it's at it's worst.
It's because you have asked to be better or improve - the only way you can be better or improve is to deal with it on a regular basis.
It gets worse, before it gets better. So just know that every time you get a text or a call or whatever, consider it a test and stop, take a breath, and try to figure out better ways of trying to cope and deal with it in a productive, positive way.
I'm in the process of doing that now, and I gotta tell ya...it's HAAAARD. But I'm getting better.
Also - this is my latest big thing that I am pushing right now - watch Oprah's Life Lessons. I think you can even view the classes online if you don't get her channel. They have been extremely helpful for me.