I know this complaint always gets flamed...

ShanJosh777 · December 2011

And I really, truly am thankful that DS has a grandmother who loves him to death and is super involved in his life. But if MIL buys him one more thing for Christmas I am going to lose my mind.

She is well off, she works basically for "fun" money and her fun apparently is buying DS every toy under the sun. Which I get, I really do. But it's at the point where she has a lot more for him than I even have, and I just don't think it should be that way. Plus I don't want DS to grow up expecting so much.

I was talking to my mom about it, who also loves DS to death and is super involved but buys him a reasonable amount for Christmas, and she said that he is still at the point where quantity doesn't mean anything so he won't notice that Santa brought him "x" number of gifts and Grandma got him a lot more. But starting next year I feel like I need to talk to her about it. I just don't know how to do it without sounding ungrateful. Like I said, I know he is fortunate to have people who love him, because I wouldn't want the alternative either. But there is no need for one child to have so much.

Anyone else deal with this?

chicsub · December 2011

I don't know why people flame it, but I've seen that trend on here. I think an overabundance of gifts is just as bad as a bunch of crappy candy and that love shouldn't be association with either of them. We're lucky that we have a tiny house, so that makes for an easy explanation for keeping gifts to a minimum. Does MIL live nearby? Maybe spin it and say that LO would really love to have a special day out with grandma in addition to a couple toys vs. going crazy on the toys? Or contribute to a college fund?

anna7602 · December 2011

I feel you. I don't think it's flame-worthy (although I have been flamed myself). I'm not being ungrateful, I'm trying to set limits as the parent. I hate, hate, hate that when DD asks us for something and we say no, she will sometimes say that her grandmother will get it for her. How do I discourage this perception when my MIL is right there to contradict me and rushes to buy DD more than she could ever possibly have time to play with?

Besides the stuff itself, our big dispute with MIL is her perception of "needs" v. "wants." If DD wants something, then in MIL's opinion, she "needs" it. I think this is a terrible thing to teach a child. I am hoping that since it's just 1 person in her life acting like this (MIL), DD will not automatically think she deserves to have everything she sees or wants.

ArcticFox · December 2011

I haven't had that issue, but maybe you can try to channel her to get some presents and then put other money into a college fund?

jason&robin · December 2011

I have had to talk to my mom about this. She is always buying tons of stuff. She got my kids more stuff than I did this last Christmas. Not only do I not want my kids to get everything like that, I just don't have room for it. We talked about contributing to their preschool(because it's expensive and something I know they need an enjoy). She also pays for swim, gymnastics classes etc. That way, the have fun and it's not "stuff". We have talked about memberships to the zoo and museum as well so that they are getting a gift but not something that will clutter the house and get trashed.

kmhunt11 · December 2011

ArcticFox:
I haven't had that issue, but maybe you can try to channel her to get some presents and then put other money into a college fund?

I tried that, but didn't get any takers The grandparents totally blew me off! My mom does this, but most of what she buys is utter crap. She'll see something at Dollar General and pick it up, but thats one more piece of crap laying around my house. We have too much stuff as it is. DD can barely play in her toy room because it's too overwhelming. It's not just for DD- I don't want anything for Christmas either! I don't want or need any more stuff laying around, but would love a pedicure, a nice haircut, a massage. Just venting- not trying to sound ungrateful and grinchy. I'm not ungrateful, just grinchy I guess

KathrynMD · December 2011

kmhunt11:

ArcticFox:
I haven't had that issue, but maybe you can try to channel her to get some presents and then put other money into a college fund?

I tried that, but didn't get any takers The grandparents totally blew me off! My mom does this, but most of what she buys is utter crap. She'll see something at Dollar General and pick it up, but thats one more piece of crap laying around my house. We have too much stuff as it is. DD can barely play in her toy room because it's too overwhelming. It's not just for DD- I don't want anything for Christmas either! I don't want or need any more stuff laying around, but would love a pedicure, a nice haircut, a massage. Just venting- not trying to sound ungrateful and grinchy. I'm not ungrateful, just grinchy I guess

sort of offtopic, but I agree, I have enough "stuff" and so do my parents. I tried to suggest we skip presents for each other this year, but it went over like a lead balloon. How many sweaters does one adult woman need? She doesn't go nuts w/ DD, which I appreciate, but I just don't need anymore things. We're redoing our kitchen and I'd love if she'd offer to pay for new bar stools/rugs/window treatments - but nope, she just wants to go to Macy's and buy me a new sweater or something.

shellybird101 · December 2011

I told my MIL that if she wants to buy for DD please keep those toys at her house. I believe this has cut down on how many gifts DD has gotten(she has a VERY clean and uncluttered house)

ShanJosh777 · December 2011

shellybird101:
I told my MIL that if she wants to buy for DD please keep those toys at her house. I believe this has cut down on how many gifts DD has gotten(she has a VERY clean and uncluttered house)

Haha, this was almost going to be the second part of my complaint, but I thought it would make me sound even more ungrateful. But she actually makes DS keep most of the stuff at her house. On one hand, I should be happy because then it's less crap at my house. But it's like she wants to buy him all these exciting toys, then says, oh you can't take them home with you now, you can see them next time you come back. How is that supposed to go over well with a 3 year old?

mrsseguin · December 2011

I'm just starting to lurke over here, but if I had someone id DS's life that bought him that much, I'd let them buy what they want and I'd just buy less. I don't see it as a big deal. Yeah, people can get out of control, but I think I'd just let it go.

chicsub · December 2011

If they don't listen after having conversations with them about it, I also have no issue with donating. MIL kept doing this with shoes until she realized we would just donate it (they were hand-me-downs anyways). Like I said, I don't see an abundance of gifts as harmless like a lot of people on The Bump do, but I'm also pretty anti-materialistic. We can talk until we're blue in the face about how gifts don't matter, but if we allow it to continue it's a mixed message for our kids. It's fine if grandparents want to give the toys, but I'm the parent and I can teach my child that those things aren't important and that there are other kids that don't have toys that would be happy to have them. I wouldn't do this as a first resort though b/c otherwise I find that passive-aggressive.

Meg&Jesse · December 2011

ArcticFox:
I haven't had that issue, but maybe you can try to channel her to get some presents and then put other money into a college fund?

This is what we do. And I have been flamed for saying we put limits on toys that can be bought. But..like one of the pp's said we are very anti-materialistic and honestly DS has plenty of toys and he doesn't need more. And..it is amazing what he does with his imagination when he doesn't have "everything." The other day he saw a scooby doo house and car in a toys r us ad. He said he wanted it..but then he pretended a different house toy and car were the scooby house and car...and next week he will pretend it is something else.

I guess our philosophy is that in 18 years DS will appreciate having a lot of money in his college fund. For the most part though both of our parents go along with this and respect this. Sometimes my mom has a hard time with this, but she also gets where we are coming from.

brightning · December 2011

I have this problem with my mom. She lives across the country and sends sooooo much stuff for DD. I appreciate the sentiment, but it's just too much. So far, all of my *begging* for less stuff has fallen on deaf ears. It's a really tricky situation. At least this year I managed to talk my mom into more expensive toys, so DD is getting fewer things. Now that we have a second child, I'm afraid to see what next Christmas is going to look like! So no advice for you, but lots of sympathy!

byrne15 · December 2011

I've never had this issue....but could have. My mom loves to spend on ds. It is her only grandchild and she sees him nearly everyday.

Luckily, she buys him a savings bond every holiday/birthday. She also buys him some toys, but she says herself that she wants him to use the bonds someday to pay for colllege, new house, etc.

jlw2505 · December 2011

We went through this with my MIL when my oldest was 1st born - she is now 5 1/2. Every time she came over, she had a toy or outfit for her. It was sweet and all but explained to her that we wanted the girls to love her for who she is and not for what she brings them. We told her that if she really feels the need to bring them something each time she sees them that at times, she needs to bring blueberries or some other healthy treat. My ILs take my older DD to speech class for us every week since DH and I work FT (takes her from school to speech and then back to school - we tried the school bus but it took over an hour for a 10-15 min ride so my retired ILs offered to drive her). When they first started, MIL asked if they should bring DD a snack. We explained that no, she has lunch about an hour before she goes, gets a snack during speech class and when she gets back to school, they have a snack a short time later. She still brings her little treats every single time - most of which I find untouched in DD's bag later that night. I have no issue with the fruit that she brings and even with a few M&M's (FIL started that tradition last year when he alone took her to speech class). The last few weeks, I have been finding untouched bags of mini Oreo's in her bag. 1st off, we have asked MIL not to do this and 2nd of all - DD doesn't even like these so they never get touched. DH called his mom for the whose knows how many times and again asked her to not bring the sugary snacks each time. We have given up on the fact that she will show up with nothing but have at least asked to make it healthy since DD so doesn't even need it. She has gotten better on the gifts overall but still never shows up empty handed and I hate it because my kids expect it from her and I don't like them growing up with that expectation.

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