Poll, Would you want to know?

shanwalk2 · December 2011

Inspired by a post on MM where an AE admitted to the following...

Would you want to know? Or would you rather not? The poll over there was surprising to me, and I wanted to see what you ladies thought.

Here is the situation:

You and your husband are happily married. Your husband loves you tremendously, and you have a great life together. However, he and a woman who occasionally comes into his office get flirty and over a short period of time they kiss twice. He's horrified that he let it happen, to the point where he's physically ill just thinking about it. He gets himself into therapy to make sure it'll never happen again, a goal to which he is 100% committed.

shanwalk2 · December 2011

My gut feeling: He's a cheating cheater that cheats... and if he didn't tell me immediately, he would also be a lying liar that lies.

I'm in "I want to know" camp. I have some real (unfounded) fears about DH cheating and/or leaving me. The situation above would be pretty difficult. However, if I found out later, or through a third party, it would make it much worse.

However, after reading a lot of the responses on MM I can see why some women would prefer to not know.

michelleaxo · December 2011

No, I would not want to know. I would not divorce my husband over that situation, but I would stress me out and cause me to be physically sick. Not to mention the trust issues and everything else that comes along with that knowledge. I would rather not know.

libbyann · December 2011

michelleaxo:
No, I would not want to know. I would not divorce my husband over that situation, but I would stress me out and cause me to be physically sick. Not to mention the trust issues and everything else that comes along with that knowledge. I would rather not know.

This. I'm the type of person that never forgets things and has a really hard time trusting people after they've broken my trust...I don't know how long/if I could ever be the same after learning that. As long as it wasn't a continual occurrence, I would not want to know.

kiarox2002 · December 2011

Ugh. I think I would want to know because if I found out through a third party I would be devastated.

mcurban · December 2011

libbyann:
michelleaxo:
No, I would not want to know. I would not divorce my husband over that situation, but I would stress me out and cause me to be physically sick. Not to mention the trust issues and everything else that comes along with that knowledge. I would rather not know.
This. I'm the type of person that never forgets things and has a really hard time trusting people after they've broken my trust...I don't know how long/if I could ever be the same after learning that. As long as it wasn't a continual occurrence, I would not want to know.

ditto and ditto.

Noisemaker · December 2011

mcurban:
libbyann:
michelleaxo:
No, I would not want to know. I would not divorce my husband over that situation, but I would stress me out and cause me to be physically sick. Not to mention the trust issues and everything else that comes along with that knowledge. I would rather not know.
This. I'm the type of person that never forgets things and has a really hard time trusting people after they've broken my trust...I don't know how long/if I could ever be the same after learning that. As long as it wasn't a continual occurrence, I would not want to know.
ditto and ditto.

Me too.

MammaOwl11 · December 2011

kiarox2002:
Ugh. I think I would want to know because if I found out through a third party I would be devastated.

I'm in this camp as well. His honesty in the situation would help me trust him again... even though it would be a difficult thing to hear about.

GuavaGal · December 2011

libbyann:

michelleaxo:
No, I would not want to know. I would not divorce my husband over that situation, but I would stress me out and cause me to be physically sick. Not to mention the trust issues and everything else that comes along with that knowledge. I would rather not know.

This. I'm the type of person that never forgets things and has a really hard time trusting people after they've broken my trust...I don't know how long/if I could ever be the same after learning that. As long as it wasn't a continual occurrence, I would not want to know.

Ideally, this would be my answer. I have a very hard time trusting someone who has broken my trust or shown himself to be untrustworthy.

However, having been in a somewhat similar situation, I have learned that if a husband is getting romatically involved with a woman who is not his wife, there are issues that need to be addressed. I think it's great if the husband goes into therapy and is 100% committed to fixing those issues, but I also think couples therapy would likely be helpful/necessary to making sure nothing happens again (or nothing ELSE happens with the smoochy co-worker).

Xtina712 · December 2011

MammaOwl11:

kiarox2002:
Ugh. I think I would want to know because if I found out through a third party I would be devastated.

I'm in this camp as well. His honesty in the situation would help me trust him again... even though it would be a difficult thing to hear about.

Ditto.

Abrooks · December 2011

Ideally, this would be my answer. I have a very hard time trusting someone who has broken my trust or shown himself to be untrustworthy.

However, having been in a somewhat similar situation, I have learned that if a husband is getting romatically involved with a woman who is not his wife, there are issues that need to be addressed. I think it's great if the husband goes into therapy and is 100% committed to fixing those issues, but I also think couples therapy would likely be helpful/necessary to making sure nothing happens again (or nothing ELSE happens with the smoochy co-worker).

I agree. But sometimes things like that are not based on the relationship but on the person's own internal issues. (Such as being a sexual addict b/c of the high they get from it which is similar to a drug or alcohol addiction.) Generally cheating is related to issues in the relationship but sometimes it's related to the person's own issues. I would hope the therapy would show the husband what it was based on and that if it was issues in the marriage, he'd seek couples counseling for those issues.

For the situation described, while I'd be upset, I'd want to know. I wouldn't leave my husband for that. But I'd want to know.

thethomps · December 2011

Yes, I'd want to know. If he hid it, how do I know he's really 100% committed to making sure it never happens again? Also, I'd probably want to join him in some therapy sessions. And if I found out way after the fact that it happened and he never told me, it would make things a WHOLE lot worse.

molliedb · December 2011

yes i would want to know. we'd figure it out together.

AustinBride06 · December 2011

I haven't read the responses... but I would not want to know. Ever. If he is truly 100% committed after that, that's all I need to know.

m_and_m · December 2011

AustinBride06:
I haven't read the responses... but I would not want to know. Ever. If he is truly 100% committed after that, that's all I need to know.

This, except I have read the responses.

Jess.O · December 2011

michelleaxo:
No, I would not want to know. I would not divorce my husband over that situation, but I would stress me out and cause me to be physically sick. Not to mention the trust issues and everything else that comes along with that knowledge. I would rather not know.

I think I agree with this. My first reaction was similar to Shanwalks but the more I think about it, the more I think I'd not want to know. I think it would just destroy our marriage. I just don't think I'd be able to forgive him or at least not trust him anymore. BUT, if I ever suspected it I'd sure as hell want to know.

YellowUmbrella · December 2011

AustinBride06:
I haven't read the responses... but I would not want to know. Ever. If he is truly 100% committed after that, that's all I need to know.

I think this sums up how I feel. If it was truly a one-time mistake, I don't need to know.

molliedb · December 2011

i get why other people wouldn't want to know but for ME, not telling means everything is a lie. i'd rather work through something hard at the time and have life be based on total honesty.

AustinBride06 · December 2011

molliedb:
i get why other people wouldn't want to know but for ME, not telling means everything is a lie. i'd rather work through something hard at the time and have life be based on total honesty.

Maybe I'm underestimating myself, but even if my head believed him, I think I would still be paranoid for a very, very long time. Not only that, but I fear I'd always look at him differently and be much more guarded. And I wouldn't want to live like that. I've done a lot of work in therapy over the past year and I've found that even though rational thought says I should feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean that's what actually happens with me. I don't "move on" well. As much as I'd like to believe that total honesty would work in a situation like this, experience has shown me otherwise.

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