Afraid

firefightersgal · November 2011

We are planning to get serious and contact lawyers, schedule home study appointments, put together our adoption portfolio, etc., over my Cmas break from school. And, honestly, I'm terrified.

I'm afraid because, even as a private adoption, the cost is so much.
I'm afraid that birth parents won't be interested in us because we aren't well-off and already have a daughter.
I'm afraid that a birth parent will choose us and then back out.
I'm afraid that a birth parent will choose us, we'll be sent home with a baby, and then the birth parent will change their mind.

We've been serious (or mostly serious) about adoption for more than a year now. The concepts are not new to me and I've done a lot of research. I feel like we are meant to adopt, but I.am.terrified. We've already been through the ringer with TTC/infertility/miscarriage and then a not-so-successful attempt at foster/adopt. I don't know if I can handle much more "rejection," but we know our family isn't yet complete. ::sigh::

lafayettegirl · November 2011

I think everyone on this bored is terrified of one part of adopting or another at some point. It is natural because you can't control every part of it. But you know from reading this board that people find ways of dealing with the cost, that everyone fears a BM won't pick them for some reason, that a BM will back out, that a BM will change her mind. All of that happens, but then again, those are the horror stories. There are a gazillion people out there who didn't experience any of those things. You have to focus on the positive. You are a parent, you can provide a safe and happy home for a child. A BM somewhere will see you and fall in love with your picture, or your daughter, or your Birth Parent letter, or whatever.

If you sincerely feel like your family is not complete, then it is not and you will find a way to make it so. Plan financially, work with a good agency/lawyer/whatever who can provide you with solid information, and show off your family in pictures and the letter.

Tons of families are created through adoption every day. Not everyone is well-to-do financially and everyone can find a reason a BM won't pick them, and yet they become parents.

You have to stay positive, but realistically prepare yourself to deal with the negative. If you need help doing that, we are all here on this board and there are tons of folks in your community, if you find them, that can help you as well! You are not alone!

julandjo · November 2011

lafayettegirl:
I think everyone on this bored is terrified of one part of adopting or another at some point. It is natural because you can't control every part of it. But you know from reading this board that people find ways of dealing with the cost, that everyone fears a BM won't pick them for some reason, that a BM will back out, that a BM will change her mind. All of that happens, but then again, those are the horror stories. There are a gazillion people out there who didn't experience any of those things. You have to focus on the positive. You are a parent, you can provide a safe and happy home for a child. A BM somewhere will see you and fall in love with your picture, or your daughter, or your Birth Parent letter, or whatever.

If you sincerely feel like your family is not complete, then it is not and you will find a way to make it so. Plan financially, work with a good agency/lawyer/whatever who can provide you with solid information, and show off your family in pictures and the letter.

Tons of families are created through adoption every day. Not everyone is well-to-do financially and everyone can find a reason a BM won't pick them, and yet they become parents.

You have to stay positive, but realistically prepare yourself to deal with the negative. If you need help doing that, we are all here on this board and there are tons of folks in your community, if you find them, that can help you as well! You are not alone!

Perfectly said! DH and I have the same fears, but pushed on through the homestudy and here we sit. Waiting. Second-guessing everything we put in our profile. Wondering if/when/why we'll ever be picked. But we also trust that God put this in our hearts for a reason. He's got a child in mind for us, and our job is to make ourselves available and then patiently wait. God's got this. (As confident as I am in that, yeah it's hard. You're absolutely not alone in this!)

kekis · November 2011

Ditto pp. It does make sense what you are saying. So many frustrations and failures don't ever lead one to think of a positive outcome. I've become so tired of living in fear that I'm just diving in full-force in hopes that we will FINALLY become parents. Deciding that the risk of more hurt outweighs the possibility of never being a mother is what drives me now. Hope you can find some peace as you move forward.

jennykg1477 · November 2011

I have the same fears, I think most people who are going through the adoption process have these fears. My way of dealing with it is knowing that the end result will make any suffering we go through in the process worth it. I also try to just push through the fear and try to get my brain to glaze over it. I know there is a chance of pain, but I always feel that if I never risk opening myself up to pain I will never be opening myself up to the amazing things that life could offer me if I were more open. I don't know if that makes sense, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I want to live my life without letting fear stop me from living. When I am old (hopefully very old) and close to death, I want to have as few regrets as possible and if I didn't do this I think that would be a regret. This is not to say that I never doubt or fear. Sometimes, when I think really hard about what we are doing, I will think to myself, "Are we really doing this? Do I want to do this?" Of course, I always conclude that I do really want to do this, but every now and then that doubt and fear creep in. It's scary, but it will be worth it.

sweetnprettymama · December 2011

I have a few words for you: TAKE THE BIG STEP.

-- just enjoy the journey. Don't let your fears hold you back. You know if it's for you if it feels right in your heart. Everything will just follow. Just believe

CaptainSerious · December 2011

We all are afraid. Adopting internationally, I had different fears, but I assure you they were just as real and intense. The only way to do this is to take that huge, giant leap of faith that it will work out in the end. It most likely won't be an easy or smooth process, but in the end, the reason and reward for persevering is so overwhelmingly magnificent. You CAN do this. Just take each step as it comes, and before you know it, you will be further down the line than you ever imagined.

Afraid

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