Torn about going for #2
brens317
member
Hey everyone...used to be a regular on here and PG+35 (fka jarbatz) but have not been very active since DD was born. I know what a great community this is though and need some input!
I am 38 and DH is 48. DD is 20 months. We were fairly certain we wanted to try for #2 and then I got unexpectedly PG in the spring but ended up m/c at 8 weeks. After the m/c I felt 100% certain that I wanted another.
So now a few months later we have started actively TTC but now I'm having all these doubts and we're not spring chickens anymore so we don't really have the luxury of time on our side.
DD is absolutely wonderful and a joy...but we both work FT and it's definitely been a challenge juggling everything (including the guilt I feel over working a lot) and I'm tired. A LOT. I just don't know if I really want to go through the whole Newborn, Infant, Toddler stage again....but at the same time I REALLY want DD to have a sibling. If I could give birth to a 3 year old, there'd be no question. But the sleepless nights and exhaustion I could do without. And I know that doesn't end at the toddler stage but it does get easier.
Anyway...sorry this is so long...has anyone struggled with this decision and how did you resolve it? Any advice that helped you?
Re: Torn about going for #2
We are in a similar situation, so I don't have much in the way of advice -- but I can say that I'm having many of the same thoughts & feelings that you've mentioned!
Our DD is also 20 months old -- and DH & I both work full-time, too. My sister is a SAHM to her 2 kids, and my mom SAH when we were little, so I had a hard time getting past some pretty bad feelings of guilt when I went back to work... Now it's not guilt so much as it is the fact that I just WANT to spend more time with her. She's so fun & I feel like I miss out on too much...
I'm with you on feeling a bit of dread when considering the exhaustion of the newborn/baby stage combined with an active toddler. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Meanwhile, I struggle each month to decide if we should be "trying" or not. One on hand, DH & I are trying to get into better situations with our jobs and our housing/commute... Yet I'm also worried that there's never an ideal time for getting pregnant -- and of course I worry about even getting pregnant & the health of another baby...
Sorry about the long post! I guess I could have just said, "Yep, I can relate!"
GL to you -- whatever you decide
Skh - Thanks for responding!! My sisters and mom were/are all SAHM and while I realized early on that being SAHM was not really for me, now that she's older I am really wishing I could be there more. I am jealous of all the time DH gets to spend with her.
My biggest fear is regretting NOT having or at least trying for another. And really, those first few years go by so fast, in the grand scheme they are just a blip on the screen...even though when you're *in* the moment, they seem to last forever! LOL!
My thoughts change daily...when we decided to try for DD we really just went into it with the attitude of "let's just see what happens"...if we get PG great, if we don't we're OK with that too. I kinda feel like we need to take that approach again and if its meant to happen it will.
Anyway...thanks for listening...it really helps to know others wrestle with this as well.
I can totally relate and had the same thoughts when we started TTC #2, but to be honest we just decided to go for it and have faith that it will all work itself out (the tiredness, the insanity, the hectic schedule, etc.). It was really important to us for DD to have a sibling and I knew it wasn't going to get any easier in another year or so, so we just jumped in. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm still very nervous about the whole situation and I know there will be days when I question the sanity of our decision to have another one, but for me it was about what we wanted for the long term. The infant/toddler stuff doesn't last long, in retrospect (even though at the time it feels like an eternity) but our family will be our family forever.
Thanks Tara and Aglenn....I know you're right....in the long run I will regret not trying. Who even knows if we'll be able to have another one...we got PG very easily both times but we're older and who knows.
I actually barely remember the newborn stage....I haven't forgotten completely though!
Tara - sending you a text!
Everyone else pretty much covered it. It's scary but, like you, I wanted to at least say I tried to give LO a sibling. I believe that if you have the financial and emotional means to provide for another then it's worth giving it a go.
Good luck with your decision!
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Ditto this. In our case, we're not sure we have the money (or, to some extent, stamina) to do it. We are both overwhelmed, though we love our little boy immensely. At present I can't imagine how we would manage two; DS is a pretty demanding baby, and I can only hope he will mellow out some as he grows up. Yet we both always wanted to have at least two kids.
I hope we can figure out the finances and that things will get easier soon enough for us to want to try again (I think part of it is helping DH put this challenging newborn time into perspective). I am not ready to give up the dream, and hope I won't have to. This is of course, all just Part One. The next step would be getting over the concerns regarding successfully getting pregnant and being able to carry a healthy baby to term (or as close to term as I can get).
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Kiki - we had a VERY hard time adjusting when DD came along. Me more than DH but it was hard on us all. She wasn't particularly demanding but just the change in lifestyle, lack of sleep, I had some PPD.....it really wasn't until about 6 months ago that we started even thinking about #2. So I think you'll feel differently a little farther down the road...it's still hard...but it does get easier and in my experience, as she gets older and was able to do more and now is talking and everything...it is so more rewarding to me than when she was a newborn. GL and I hope DH comes around too!
I'm lurking on this board but this is how I feel about trying for #3. I do think we will have to make some job changes and some financial changes to make everything work out.
I am a SAHM at the moment with a 2yo and a newborn and its not as scary as I thought. In fact Im loving it. Im lucky that my son Salua (2yo) sleeps all night. My partner is only here on weekends at the moment due to work. But Im coping really well.
I already know that I want at least one more. Im 38. Salua adores his new baby sister and Im so glad they have each other now. Its amazing how easily he has adjusted. No jealousy, just love.
2nd time around you are more organised and know all the shortcuts. Yes Im lacking a little sleep but I also know it wont last forever, they grow up so fast.
i figure that i can always get back to work, but the clock is ticking in regards to baby making. I love being a mum.
Did that help?
We were in a similar boat bur decided to still go for a sibling for J that he can play with. We are happy we did it. Now J. is 4, E. is 1, I am 42 and my H is 53! We both work full-time, too.
We didn't really get any advice from a 3d party that helped us with the decision. We diecided to just try and if it works out naturally, then it is meant to be. We wouldn't have gone through IVF though.