To Grinch or not to Grinch?
AggieCouple
member
My family picks names for the 22 kids in our family. Each kid picks 2 names, and gets 2 gifts.
In recent years, that meant we only had 4 names, so we could afford to be generous. My other sibs sort of suck at presents. They always give what they THINK the kids will like (never ask), or what they think the kids SHOULD have (a book on etiquette for a 16yo... wtf) or they are sort of frugal about it (they have to pick 8-10 names, so totally understandable). I am usually on a mission to continue my reputation as the cool aunt, so I always try to find out what they really want and provide.
Last year, we picked my then 13yo niece, T. She let us know (via her sister) she wanted a Vera Bradley backpack and pair of sperrys. I wasn't thrilled about the prices, so you can imagine H's reaction. He thought it was a bit entitled-y of her to put out such expensive requests. But again, cool aunt, right? So I got them for her, and she was thrilled.
For like, 2 months. 9 months later, she had replaced the backpack, although it was still in excellent condition, because God forbid she carry last year's backpack. She doesn't wear the sperrys at all anymore, even though they still fit.
OK, whatever.
But we picked her again, and this year, she let us know (again, via sister) that she wants a pair of toms and a Pink jacket. So now, I'm a little miffed, you know? If she actually cared for and about her gifts from last year, I'd be totally onboard with it, but she grew tired of them very quickly. It wasn't just about the money, but the time I took to hunt down the exact pattern/colors she wanted. Both are actually less expensive than last year's request but together, still well above the average of $30-40.
What further annoyed me was that she told my other sister who also picked her name, she wanted a $20 DS game. So, she's taking it quite for granted that I would be shelling out for the more expensive request. True, I built that expectation, but no need to so d*mned entitled about it.
So would you act on your annoyance and get her a smaller gift, or just be jolly and get her what she wants? If the latter, I'll probably get her just one of the two, anyway, as we have 6 names this year.
I'm not getting enough sleep these days. I can't tell if that is making me more annoyed at her.
Re: To Grinch or not to Grinch?
She's 13!!!!!!!!! Of course she's going to be rid of the backpack in a year. And the shoes. At 13, carrying last year's stuff is like a fate worse than death. While annoying, you need to adjust your expectations there, IMO.
That said, I think the fact that she is asking the other aunt for something that is $20 and you for something that is $100 (or whatever) is annoying. But again, you built that expectation. I, too, am the cool aunt. And it does get frustrating and I have adjusted my spending meter to more likely mirror that of my sisters. She always spends $20-30 where I normally spend $50-75. I've taken that down a notch to $30-50. I still get the present they want, but they now know to pick something in that $30 range (a huge part of that is my sister's doing though, to give credit where credit is due. She has adjusted the items that she suggests to ones more in that $30 price range).
At any rate, I would get her ONE of those items. Either the Toms or a pink jacket. I would make sure it was in a comfortable price range within my overall budget. Still maintaining "cool aunt" status without any of the bad feelings!
You are getting your feeligns hurt by a 13 yo teenager who OF COURSE she will change her mind in a few months. This used to drive my mom NUTS. I'd want all these new clothes before school started...then school would start and half of what I had bought was not "cool"...so I would never wear it and want new stuff.
I think you need to get over it....I mean, gift giving is about picking out that perfect present for the excitement and happiness it provides when they open it...I have never took stock to make sure all the gifts I gave are STILL being used a month later or whatever.
So, what's better..picking out something she will never use? Picking out something she asked for and if she choses to use it or not, her own problem?
The money thing...that's your own deal...either adjust expectations, or deal with it.
I'd be annoyed at her acting so entitled, but as you've acknowledged, you did set yourself up for it. Is it too late in the game to suggest a spending cap for everyone (and perhaps a minimum so the etiquette book buyers will step up their game a bit)? IMO, with these type of gift exchanges there shouldn't even be the opportunity for the gifts to be so disparate.
If it's too late for the spending cap, I'd definitely bring it up next year and this year I'd buy her one of the things she asked for so she still gets something you know she wants, but also hopefully gets the message to adjust her expectations.
So...it is your sister (her mom) who is the messenger here or her sister (also your niece). If it is her mom, I would be super annoyed with her because, as an adult, she should know better than to relay the info to you when the gifts are so expensive.
Anyway, I do think it's greedy of your niece, but kids that age can be greedy. As her aunt I would use this as an opportunity to teach her that it is not about what is received, but that someone has taken the time and thought to give you something. I'd put some thought into her gift and get her something that she will love, but I don't think it needs to be the super expensive gifts she is requesting. That or I'd only give her one of those gifts. She can learn that you don't always get what you want, but you still need to be grateful.
I don't know what Toms are, so I must be uncool. And as for the Pink jacket, I am also uncool and assume since the P is capitolized that its a brand and she just doesn't want a jacket that is pink colored.
However, you could just get her a pink colored jacket and say "but that's what you asked for, right?" LOL.
I say be a grinch. but I'm mean like that.
You can be a grinch here...but she'll get over it.
IMO, when you do the 'pick names' thing and give a price limit, YOU SHOULD FOLLOW IT. (If it wasn't really stated, and that just seems to be average, forgive me.)
My H always wants to bring the best/coolest/most unique gift, and he thinks it's okay to just spend twice as much as the stated max. A dollar or two over a $10 limit? sure. Not 2-3x though. That just makes everyone else resentful, and, in your case, raised expectations for whoever you pick. I think you need to pick something in the given range and be done with it.
And using the gifts for just a couple months I think is pretty typical of the age. Heck, some of our own kids are that way at 3-5 yrs old.
Are there guidelines for money? We do something similar in my family where all the kids draw names, but we stick to a $40ish limit (give or take $10).
If there's a limit I might get her whatever fits within that dollar amount. The Toms, for example, but skip the jacket. If there isn't a monetary guideline perhaps it's time to suggest one?
As for it being typical 13 y/o behavior eh, well, I'd still be embarrassed if it was my kid acting so entitled. Typical or not, it's still bratty and I personally wouldn't want to indulge it.
So yeah, add me to the Team Grinch side. ;-)
I'm the grinch. My sis has 6 kids and I spend as little as possible on them (like under $20 each) to buy a clothing item and a toy. My SIL's kids get more $$ spent because there are less of them.
We scaled Christmas down this year all around, even for our kids and that is just how it is.
As usual, I agree with Cleo.
Set up for it or not, no way would I indulge that kind of entitled crap. Tell the kid that there's a limit and you intend to stick to it, so what else is on her list?
As for this being typical behavior, it's only typical if everyone lets her get away with it. When I was 13 I couldn't care less about the 'right' crap that people were carrying and I am still that way.
Be the Grinch.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
I suppose they never know, since it seems to be your sis and your H's sis, and they don't see each other....but why not spend the same on all the kids?
This is similar to the whole 'spending 1/2 on twins' thing since there are two of them (the whole birthday party drama we had).
I know, it is not fair... but my sister does the same thing for us, really. She got Alex a couple things of lip gloss and put it in a purse she told me she got for free. So, she spent all of what - $3-$5 on DD's birthday?
I guess I see it that SIL spends a little more on our kids, so I do the same for her kids too.
Yea Jetta, that irks the crap out of me. My younger sister has one kid. Older sister has two. SIL has three. I'm not going to spend less on my SIL's kids because SHE chose to have more kids than my sisters. Ridiculous!
I spend the same amount on all of them (to the point that I will supplement with cash if someone gets less/more than $5 variance in the amount). I'm a sicko when it comes to "being equal"....I chalk it up to being a middle child!
Emiliana, I hadn't heard of toms, Very Bradley or sperrys before her requests, either. Pink is a Victoria Secret line, and I know that because I own some of their underwear. But they have clothes too.
There is no budget. Everyone just spends what they want to. Sometimes, it can potentially suck. I keep track of the names, so when I see someone getting someone who may be frugal and/or clueless, I usually try to make suggestions and help things along with the other person. It seems to usually work out.
But, you know, it's really hard to be even steven when dealing with 22 kids, ranging from 9 months to 25. A $20 gift can make a 3yo really happy but maybe not a 16yo. I think the "equality" should be measured in the level of joy, not the amount of money spent, and things with very different monetary value will make two different kids equally happy.