If you've had a c/p or m/c or other loss... PLEASE come in.

sarahtoledo · November 2011

Please share your story with me. I am just desperate to talk a little about this, but I don't feel quite right on the m/c board, or TTCAL (since we're not trying yet).

If you've had a loss, tell me it gets better? And if you have any ideas or thoughts that may help? My heart is broken. I tried so hard not to get attached or to count on this pregnancy. I would've been fine with another BFN. But now that I had it, and it got snatched away, I feel like I can't breathe. And I was only six weeks.

I do have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I am making plans and changes. I just feel like I will never feel okay, ever again. And that I will run out of tears.

TIA

AmberZ2be · November 2011

((hugs)) I'm so, so sorry. I hope it is ok that I am replying.

I felt the exact same way. I cried, and cried, and cried. I didn't get out of bed. I barely ate. Will it get better? Yes, eventually. I found some quotes and poems that I could relate to, and I wrote them in a journal so I always had them to re-read whenever I wanted.

I think therapy will be great. Looking back, I wish I would have gone.

If you ever want to talk privately, feel free to send me a pm with your email. Thinking of you. ((hugs))

Jezebell26 · November 2011

Hi darling. I can completely understand what you are going through. I promise promise promise you every day will get better. You will hit rock bottom and then will start to pull out of it. Let yourself go through the emotions, cry when you need to, whenever you need to. I will tell you what we did with our first loss and it really helped.

1. DH got me the book "I never held you" about m/c and loss https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003XNTBIS/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1932014209&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0PTRVGH8715B2P63R42E
Even though it was an early loss, i was able to relate to the book and felt like the book understood me! It made me realize im not the only one to feel like this and its OK to feel like this.

2. DH got me a memory box in a neutral color for me to store everything in. We had u/s pics, the embryo pics, the report from the IVF, hospital bracelets, and sympathy cards. I can go into the box whenever I want and take a trip down memory lane if i want to.

3. He got me a charm of a mom and two children. I have not taken it off and will wear it probably for a very long time. Mine is in sterling silver and it is subtle. From far away it looks like a flip flop. I constantly touch the bracelet or play with it when I am nervous or uncomfortable. It is comforting for me to have something tangible.
https://www.momsjewelrybox.com/Loving-Family/Loving-Family-14k.htm

4. I started blogging after m/c #1 and then gave up on it because I started feeling so much better about moving forward when we were planning for IVF #2. I am definitely going to start blogging again.

5. I am in therapy and have been since before IVF #1. Definitely need to be able to express myself to someone other then DH and other people think i am being over dramatic, am exaggerating or just dont understand at all.

Having the support of people really helps. I am happy to talk with you at any time and am so sorry you are going through this. It is never an easy thing to deal with, and i feel it hurt me more after going through so much to get pregnant, it was dangled in my face and then taken away. Unfortunately it has changed me as a person and I will never be the same. But i am also a lot stronger then I ever thought i would be. It has also brought DH and I closer. This affects him too and he lost his children too. We dont talk about it often but he reminds me that im not the only one who's hurting.

The best advice i have is to let yourself do what you feel is necessary. I went into hiding in the beginning. Didnt talk to anyone, didnt answer the phone, declined social invitations and just was very clingy to DH. Didn't want to be around anyone or talk about it. Now i am able to deal with it better, though it will always hurt. I promise you time does heal all wounds, but there is no time limit. I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you and DH the best. Christmas is not going to be easy this year so i hope we can rely on each other. *major giant squishy hugs*

BethanyB2609 · November 2011

Hi Sarah! First of all I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss and I completely know what you are going through. I had my loss at 8 weeks and 1 day. At 6 weeks and 4 days we had an ultrasound and saw the baby's heartbeat. We were so thrilled yet I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. 2 weeks later I called my RE and told them I'd like another ultrasound and they declined. I then called my OBGYN and they got me in for one that afternoon. My worst fears were confirmed when the tech told me that there was no longer a heartbeat. My baby had died a week ago. To say that I was devestated is an understatement. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath walking out of the Dr.'s office. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world to have something you want so badly and have worked so hard for taken from you. I have to tell you though, it does get better. The first 2 weeks after the miscarriage I was a wreck and then I slowly started getting better. It has now been almost 3 months since my miscarriage and I still think about it all of the time. I don't cry often but it is frequently on my mind. I think of how far along I would be in my pregnancy, if we would know the gender yet, if I would have a named picked out. Sometimes I am perfectly fine and sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks and I break down. As time goes on, your heart will heal but you won't forget. I am able to talk about it with people now without being crushed and as annoying as I thought it was for people to tell me "at least now you know you can get pregnant" I sometimes take comfort in that now. Before then, I was scared to death that I would NEVER get pregnant but now I know that I am capable of getting pregnant. I know that you are hurting and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to PM me at anytime if you need to talk.

sarahtoledo · November 2011

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. None of my wonderful, well-meaning friends or family have been able to comfort me as much as these three posts have.

TJ1979 · November 2011

I hope you don't mind me posting here. But I could feel my old pain in your words, and I just had to say something. Not that I have the answer or anything I can say will help, but I really wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry for your loss. My best advice is to try to keep living. When I lost my little peanut, I completely shut down. I quit eating, I quit sleeping, I quit talking. Basically, I was a lump on my couch. My husband was thinking about getting me committed. I know how badly this hurts, but I don't want you to end up like me. Therapy is a great start. As much as it hurts, you need to talk about it. You need to accept that it is real, and acknowledge how it makes you feel. Like PP said, we also made a memory box and put everything in it - the ultrasound pictures, my hospital bracelet, the sympathy cards from my family, and then we had a personal little ceremony, just MH and I and each said a prayer and put the box in our bedroom where I see it every day. I think that helped a little as far as closure is concerned, but it was several weeks before I was able to put it together. I am so so very sorry for your loss. It is so hard and so unfair. And I don't think anyone can understand that pain until they've been there. It's like we're members of a secret society that nobody ever wants to have to join. Just remember that it will get better. It will take time. And it is different for everyone. But you will be okay again someday. You will never be the same - at least I know I won't. But breathing will come a little more easily, and you will be okay again someday. Just remember that. Good luck. Remember the ladies here are always here for you, don't underestimate the power of just venting, and having your feelings acknowledged. You will be in my T&P and I'm sorry this was so long.

steff13914 · November 2011

((biggest of hugs)) I'm so sorry this has happened. I know what you mean about being ok with a BFN, but losing a pregnancy, no matter how far along is heartbreaking.

I experienced a loss in May at 7 weeks and 3 days. I had known from the beginning that something just wasn't right, but that didn't lessen the blow of something actually being wrong. We never heard a heartbeat and it was ruled Trisomy 16, which is an extra chromosome from the egg, it's fatal. I've been pretty hard on myself in the months since because that was the one IUI we had good sperm numbers and since they've been crap. Why couldn't my egg have been good enough when we needed it to be? The conclusion, I've come to is that it just wasn't meant to be then or now....YET! It's hard to take that attitude, but it's the only way I know to go on being hopeful and not a mess every day. I know that I am meant to be a mom, and I know that God will grant me children. There's something I'm supposed to learn first though. Maybe it's how to truly appreciate MH and my family and how to love better, so I can be the best mother and person for my family. The IF struggle has really made me look at all aspects of my life, and I've been able to put some things into perspective. I feel like I've grown up a little bit, and I know now that I am truly ready to have a child, and I know that we are so close.

And so are you. This is the downhill part of the battle. Hang on. You'll get there, and having this experience, although it's tough now, will make you a better person and you'll love greater because of it. ((hugs))

Gregermis · November 2011

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry again!

I was a bit of a weird one... right after I was just so thrilled that I knew I could get pregnant, that I was surprisingly together about it. It wasn't until two failed IUIs later that it really hit me hard.... worrying about whether or not that was the only time I was ever going to get to be pregnant.

It was really really bad for awhile, I had no hope for IUI#4, but DH wanted to try one more IUI before moving onto IVF. It has taken awhile, but I'm slowly coming to grips with the idea that my m/c might be the only time I ever get to carry a child. We will adopt if nothing else works, and I try to keep in mind that in the end... I want a baby whether it is biologically mine or not.

Hang in there... it is definitely a rough road that one one, but especially not people sturggling with IF should EVER have to go through!

Blueyed228 · November 2011

I had an early c/p @ 4w3d.

I had already started bleeding before my pg test and thought it was my period. So I wasnt expecting a positive. I dont know if because I wasnt in the BFP frame of mind, or because it was so early, but I didnt "feel" pregnant (and wow that feels so weird to say) so it was easier for me to just stay positive, keep thinking that at least I was able to get pregnant, and move forward.

That being said, I did have a few bad days. I cried a lot the first day. But I am a weird bird. I sort of removed myself from it. Its just how I kind of deal with things. I allowed myself a cry-fest and told myself no more. Probably because if I had allowed myself to really think about it, it would have been really tough.

I do think that had I gotten a BFP before I started bleeding, that it would have been a completely different story.

Im really sorry for your loss, and we are here for whatever you need.

steff13914 · November 2011

Gregermis:

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry again!

I was a bit of a weird one... right after I was just so thrilled that I knew I could get pregnant, that I was surprisingly together about it. It wasn't until two failed IUIs later that it really hit me hard.... worrying about whether or not that was the only time I was ever going to get to be pregnant.

It was really really bad for awhile, I had no hope for IUI#4, but DH wanted to try one more IUI before moving onto IVF. It has taken awhile, but I'm slowly coming to grips with the idea that my m/c might be the only time I ever get to carry a child. We will adopt if nothing else works, and I try to keep in mind that in the end... I want a baby whether it is biologically mine or not.

Hang in there... it is definitely a rough road that one one, but especially not people sturggling with IF should EVER have to go through!

I was like this too. It wasn't until a few failed IUIs later that I really started to get upset. I've gone up and down, but now that we are doing IVF soon, I have such a sense of calm about the situation.

LaLe09 · November 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've gone through this twice this year after two of my IVFs. I can completely relate to preferring a BFN over this. My FET BFN was SO MUCH easier than the two m/c. It's so unfair after all of we go through to get that BFP with a potential pregnancy and a potential for this nightmare to be over with only to miscarry. I'm starting therapy this week too and hopefully that will help. Sorry, but I don't really have alot of advice, so i'm glad the PP's do.

ShanRich0810 · November 2011

Oh ST....I remember when I went through mine. I was early but I still felt it.

What was worse is when they called me in and told me my numbers were going back up and its an ecoptic pregnancy.

The only thing I can see now is that allow yourself some time to be in limbo. It is very hard. When you are trying for so long and then you get that BFP....but then so soon it is taken away from you. People throw out "Well now you know you can get pregnant." and while that is true...you lost it. You feel like, yes, I do know I can get pregnant but I didn't keep it. It's so very hard to continue to go on.

I suggest retail therapy. Wink I can't tell you how much that helps me. And I am also going to start going to a local IF group...just to meet some other ladies who are on this rocky and often disappointing path so I don't feel alone. I wish you the best of luck, I am here if you ever need me and I am still in your corner rooting for you! Right Hug

tombomb84 · November 2011

After my c/p I was a complete mess for about a week. I struggled to be near family and friends and cried nonstop for days. Now 2 weeks later I'll break down when something makes me think of it...just yesterday I was putting my 6 month old niece to bed and was bawling the while time. I actually made an appointment with a therapist for Friday. I think this is just the type of thing that takes time to get passed and unfortunately I don't know of anything that makes it any easier.

MandaS08 · November 2011

I'm so sorry hun! I promise you-it does get better. Your baby will always hold a special place in your heart-but as time goes on the hurt lessens.

With my first miscarriage, I was only about 5 weeks when we lost it-betas didn't double, and I miscarried naturally. It was hard, it was my first pregnancy and even though I knew something could happen, I definitely didn't think it would to me. I would say that once we started trying again, about 4 months later, it was easier to focus on getting pregnant again, than on what we lost. With the second miscarriage-we had been given an IF diagnosis and I was totally ready to move to IVF, but our second IUI worked! My betas doubled perfectly at first and I let myself think it could work out! Then at 6 weeks we saw nothing on the ultrasound. I was devasted and couldn't understand how all this could be happening to me.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve. If it helps to send time and go out with friends-do it. If it helps to stay at home in your pj's and watch movies-do it. There is no right or wrong way to feel-and even though you had an early loss-that doesn't lessen it. Know you aren't alone, and just take each day at a time. It will get better.

ShellBear+ · November 2011

Sarah I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard but yes it gets better. My first loss was a missed m/c at 9w. I didn't have much trouble getting pg and I thought everything was fine. Then the u/s showed no h/b. I was devastated. My DH is very supportive but he just isn't affected in the same way. I was so anxious to try again and then I ended up getting pg again and had a blighed ovum. That time I was super anxious and just knew something was wrong. Now I'm scared to get pg again because of the same thing happening. I have good days and bad days. I find myself becoming so depressed lately thinking about how I should have a baby right now since my first edd was in October. I think the holidays coming up just makes it even harder and it sucks. I think you going to therapy is a great idea. It doesn't matter that you were only 6 weeks because that was your baby and you need to grieve.

kellyrn9956 · November 2011

***THERE IS AN ULTRASOUND PIC IN THIS POST***

Hi Sarah. My thoughts are prayers are definitely with you.

I m/c'd at 8 weeks, although it was very touch and go from the beginning. My first beta was 120 (great) and second at 48 hours later was 330 (again, very happy). When I went back in for the third it was only 880 - the doubling time was around 4 days. They mentioned ectopic, but also said everything might be okay. I PANICKED and they brought me in for an immediate ultrasound, and lo and behold, there was a sac in the uterus, measuring fine. RE was still very cautious.

At six weeks, we went in for another u/s, and we heard those lovely words "good job guys! You have a heart beat!". But then we heard an uh-oh. There was unusually little fluid around the baby, and in the first trimester, this usually signals m/c. He told us to come back in a week, and to not expect a heart beat at that time.

He was right. At 7 weeks, no heart beat. We had a D&C at right around 8 weeks. We sent the baby for genetic testing, and found out he had triploidy - a complete extra third set of chromosomes. He never would have survived after birth. We named him Bruce - IDK why. It just kinda stuck.

I posted our u/s of him. You can see the TINY little sac that he was in. Barely visible. I still have not been able to take this off of my refrigerator.

kellyrn9956 · November 2011

And it DOES get better. I promise. It took me a good six months, but I am now feeling pretty "normal" again. I read a few books and talked to some people, but honestly, it was the time that healed.

brideonjuly8 · November 2011

I'm so sorry. Like others have said, it DOES get better, it will just take some time. I cried every.single.day for at least a month after my last miscarriage. It was an awful time in my life. It still is, and everyday I miss the baby we lost. But I know, and you will, too, with time, that it WILL happen again. You WILL be a mother, this is just one of those suckyass things in life we cannot control.

My son was such a Blessing during that time for me, he really kept my mind occupied for a lot of the day. I'm sorry that not everyone who goes through a loss has a 3 year old to cheer them up, but doing things that you enjoy and that take your mind away from wandering is a great help. Getting into some great books, crafting, a new exercise routine, retail therapy are all good distractions. I found a new walking route for me and my son to take. I felt horrible during my last pregnancy and missed pretty much all of spring, so I made sure DS and I got a lot of outdoor time before it got too hot. Being outdoors helped a ton too.

((hugs)) It's prefectly okay to cry, mourn, and grieve during this time. Take care of YOU right now.

OnTheLanai · November 2011

After every miscarriage it would take me a month or two of alot of tears, some depression, etc before being able to start healing. I guess that is part of the healing process. I am so sorry your going through this. Mine were really early, and even though I never saw a heartbeat, just last week we finally named each one. It helps having a name for me. It provided closure in a sense. I'm debating on getting ornaments with their names to remember them by.

I still cry, and still have my moments...but it does get better. IDK that it will ever feel much better until i have that take home baby, but time does heal somewhat.

carlaws · November 2011

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I understand every word you posted. I have yet to have my WTF but they mentioned possible ectopic and c/p, and I was only about 6 weeks. I started to miscarry naturally but my beta plateaued and I still needed methotrexate. I was completely heartbroken, couldn?t breathe, devastated. I thought I had hit rock bottom when we realized we needed an RE, but I was wrong. I?m normally not a girl who cries often and I feel like through this experience I?ve cried enough tears to catch me up for all the past years of my life and then some. I cried at the dr multiple times, cried at work, cried at home, anywhere I went. I was a mess.

I too went through a period of being angry. Angry I hadn?t gotten a BFN. At least that way I wouldn?t have to go through this. But it?s easier for me now to think positively, I did get pregnant. It will happen again.

I want to tell you it does get better. I let myself grieve and be sad as much as I felt necessary. And I?m in a much better place now. I?m still sad of course but each day you will get stronger and you will get through this. I hope things get easier for you soon and if there?s anything I can do please let me know.

tst1998 · November 2011

Oh sweetie, I wish I knew. After our first c/p, I needed to rush right into a FET. I knew we only had a 50/50 shot with IVF, so I figured we'd just try again and it would work this time. I think that made it so much harder for me to deal with the second loss. I never really dealt with the first one, and was convinced that this would work.

I started going to therapy after our first c/p. I have an appointment again next week, so hopefully it will help me figure out what to do with myself. We're taking at least a few months off before we do another FET (if we do one at all--I'm terrified of using our remaining embies because I don't want to lose them too). And I'm not scheduling my WTF appt for a few more weeks. I just can't bring myself to go back to the RE, and I'm too emotional to make a rational decision about what to do next.

I still cry, but it's getting better. People let me talk about it without asking questions or passing judgement. Yes, I did go running the day I started bleeding. Luckily no one has tried to tell me that was the cause of our m/c or I might just kill them, even though the thought is in the back of my mind. And DH is protecting me from his mother, which helps because I'm pretty sure she thinks my cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the family was too much stress and the cause of my m/c.

Take care of yourself. And let me know if you figure any of this out. I'd love to know the secret to surviving IF. ((hugs))

buckeyebaby814 · November 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss Sad No matter when it occurs, it's still devastating to experience, especially when it's been a long, tough road.

I've had three losses in the last year (last one was an ectopic that was removed via lap surgery last week). I am quite active on TTCAL and there's many ladies who are there, TTA at the moment for various reasons (so you'd fit in ok Wink ). My first two losses were completely devastating to me (at 5.5 weeks).

This loss was heartbreaking as well, but for some reason I felt more at peace (probably because during the lap my RE was going to clear out blockage in my tube that ended up not existing and he's now going to run a repeated loss panel on me). It is frustrating, because it was my second medicated cycle (on clomid for short LPs of 9 days) and we really felt it would fix my problem of starting my period when the fertilized egg was implanting.

I have a blog in my siggy, pertaining to my losses and life surrounding and dealing with loss. Feel free to PM me anytime if you have questions or anything.

softbalangel · November 2011

I was only six weeks as well when I miscarried. I tried so hard not to get attached, but I did. At first I just tried to forget it happened. We weren't supposed to get pregnant without IVF so I tried to tell myself that it was okay, I just dreamed that I got a bfp. I kept my emotions bottled up and about a month ago, I lost it. I had started to pick at my H and he knew to push my buttons and all the emotions just tumbled out.

Once we finally talked about what happened, I have been able to mostly move past what happened. The last little bit that is holding me back, stems from discussions H and I have had since my breakdown. H isn't sure if he wants to move forward and pursue treatments, now or ever. For now we aren't thinking about it until after the holidays, but I know that I won't be able to completely let go of my m/c until we decide what we are going to do.

MsGMChick · November 2011

Sarah- I'm so so sorry. It's amazing how from that first set of pink lines, our lives change forever- we are moms.

I tell you that it will, eventually, get better. I was a mess for a long, long time. Random ugly cries, random anger... I even went so far as to almost not want to TTC anymore because I wanted THAT baby back so badly. I love my baby. I'm crying writing this. LOL. The hardest parts for me was the beginning, waiting on my beta to drop (for over a month it only dropped 2 a day), when my anatomical scan would have been, and then the last few weeks leading up to the EDD. There was a few times, months after my MC, that I posted on the MC board. I don't know why exactly. Mostly just to express my anger and sadness- I wasn't as comfortable here yet to do that. There will be times when you need to do this and put into words nothing but *&@#^$#!(*&@#)!(&*@)!&#(!*&# sheer anger- because you will feel it. And it's ok to feel it.

Sadly, this experience will not only hurt now, but will also hinder future ones. I had a BFP from my Sept IUI and couldn't even be happy. Maybe I would have been if it had lasted a few days, but it didn't and then.. I was just numb.

Just remember, you have support. The one thing that made me sooo angry was when I confided in someone about it and they said, "Oh yeah.. So many end that way.. Especially first pregnancies.. blah blah blah. You'll be fine." I just wanted to yell at them to STFU. Just because it happens to other people, doesn't make THIS hurt any less.

((hugs))

If you've had a c/p or m/c or other loss... PLEASE come in.

Re: If you've had a c/p or m/c or other loss... PLEASE come in.

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