Where are my fellow one-and-doners?

oct11bride03 · November 2011

I'm hoping some of you ladies are in the same boat as me. This is why I hadn't been over here in awhile - it's tough when everyone you were pregnant with already has a second or is actively trying to get pregnant.

We are still in a holding pattern, although more and more it seems like we are probably truly one and done. My husband is still claiming one and done, but every once in awhile he talks about having another down the road. I can't get a solid read on him, but it's a moot point anyway because there's no way we can afford another right now. I've been looking for a new, better paying job for awhile now so if/when that happens we might revisit the issue but we already agreed no more treatments so we'd have to be one of the lucky ones to get pregnant on our own. And then there's my husband's valid concerns about PPD and not wanting to go through that hell again...

Anyway...enough rambling. Please tell me there are others on here who are one and done, whether by choice or circumstances.

mrsolsenk12 · November 2011

Sadly we are as well, at least for now. No more IVF or bio children for us. DH and i have talked about adopting down the road but that wont be for several years st the soonest. I still struggle with it as we always pictured our family with 3 kids.

ALY1981 · November 2011

We are, for now. We may revisit our decision in a year or two, but we feel complete with our little guy.

MrsMAF · November 2011

We are one and done. Well, technically for me anyway. My DH has 3 kids from a previous marriage, they all live with us and are teenagers. We wanted one together, but more then 4 kids total for my DH might put him over the edge Plus financially it would be very hard with the oldest going to college next year. Throw the fact that we TTC conceive for over 2 years and then had to do IVF to get pregnant, no chance we'd go through that all over again. My DH is 46 so, he's definitely done and for me I am perfectly happy with my one baby, he's all I need!!! Plus, my labor and delivery was very hard, so chances are even if our circumstances were different, I'd hesitate to have more...

muppet.fan · November 2011

We're stuck in the same holding pattern. I can't get a solid read on my DH either. And truthfully, some days I can't get a solid read on myself! We always said we wanted two, but because of financial reasons, it's moot for us, too. We're a two income family and the cost of daycare for two is just not possible right now. Age isn't on our side either. I'll be 35 in a couple months and DH will be 36. And as Elizabeth gets older, it's harder to think about starting over again. But at the same time, I can't truly believe that we won't get to do this all over again.

So yeah, definitely in the same boat. Want to share oars?!

oct11bride03 · November 2011

muppet.fan:
We're stuck in the same holding pattern. I can't get a solid read on my DH either. And truthfully, some days I can't get a solid read on myself! We always said we wanted two, but because of financial reasons, it's moot for us, too. We're a two income family and the cost of daycare for two is just not possible right now. Age isn't on our side either. I'll be 35 in a couple months and DH will be 36. And as Elizabeth gets older, it's harder to think about starting over again. But at the same time, I can't truly believe that we won't get to do this all over again.

So yeah, definitely in the same boat. Want to share oars?!

Wow, sounds like we are definitely sharing the same boat. I, too, have days where I honestly don't know how I feel. Sometimes I can't imagine NOT having a sibling for Katie. I think about all she's missing out on and will miss out on in the future.

But then there are times I can't imagine having two, sharing my attention, dealing with a newborn and an active toddler and all that comes along with two kids. We always wanted two but IF and my PPD really put the brakes on our plans. And like you said, sometimes I can't believe we won't have a chance to do this all again. I missed out on the first three months of Katie's life because of my PPD and there are so many things I'd want to do differently if I had the chance.

Then I start to think...there are no guarantees. Katie is pretty awesome and generally a good kid. What if the second was a holy terror? Sigh.

meechrobi · November 2011

muppet.fan:
We're stuck in the same holding pattern. I can't get a solid read on my DH either. And truthfully, some days I can't get a solid read on myself! We always said we wanted two, but because of financial reasons, it's moot for us, too. We're a two income family and the cost of daycare for two is just not possible right now. Age isn't on our side either. I'll be 35 in a couple months and DH will be 36. And as Elizabeth gets older, it's harder to think about starting over again. But at the same time, I can't truly believe that we won't get to do this all over again.

So yeah, definitely in the same boat. Want to share oars?!

This is pretty much us too. Some days I am really sad to think that all of Liam's firsts are the only firsts I will get to see and other days, I am so excited about watching Liam growing and being able to funnel all my focus on him.

DH seems content 99% of the time with just Liam, so I think there would need to be some serious convincing to go for #2. Financially and professionally for DH (he is in the Navy and has a bad 1-1.5 year coming up deployment wise) it wouldnt be possible for a few years. By that point Liam will be almost in kindergarten, I will be 36 and DH will be 40...not sure we will want to start over again.

I always say... Time will tell.

muppet.fan · November 2011

oct11bride03:

Wow, sounds like we are definitely sharing the same boat. I, too, have days where I honestly don't know how I feel. Sometimes I can't imagine NOT having a sibling for Katie. I think about all she's missing out on and will miss out on in the future.

But then there are times I can't imagine having two, sharing my attention, dealing with a newborn and an active toddler and all that comes along with two kids. We always wanted two but IF and my PPD really put the brakes on our plans. And like you said, sometimes I can't believe we won't have a chance to do this all again. I missed out on the first three months of Katie's life because of my PPD and there are so many things I'd want to do differently if I had the chance.

Then I start to think...there are no guarantees. Katie is pretty awesome and generally a good kid. What if the second was a holy terror? Sigh.

Ha, this is my standard answer when I get asked if/when we're having a second.

krissyh21 · November 2011

We are done. Both my H's job and mine are economy based and I am not seeing a turn around anytime soon as to where our finances will be better. I am 40 so there is no waiting a few years to see what will happen.
I still have moments of jealousy, moments of what will life be like for Dillon as he grows as an only child (with no cousins even in his age range) and all the only child worries.
BUT after a year of finally putting a lid on it, it does feel good to not worry about whether treatment or miracles will happen. I closed that chapter of my life. And I am done with what Ida.

LisaBRM · November 2011

Yes, we are one and done...by circumstance. Eight IVF's, donor eggs, a canceled FET because of a dead embryo, and advanced age have, sadly, made the decision for us. I struggle every single day with this and wonder if I'll ever be ok with it all.

Mom2Reese · November 2011

I don't want to be "one and done". I'm not giving up - but sadly money is the biggest thing stopping us. I don't want to be ok with "one and done" and not sure I'll ever be. :-(

futrkingsley · November 2011

We are one and done too. Some days I'm sad that I won't ever get to do the newborn or early days again because I truly loved them and would like most, do a few things differently. But man the last 3.5 years have been hard. The first year of DS life was financially so damn hard as DH lost half his hours/income. My grandmother died and my mom (who is DS' nanny!) was devestated. I had post-partum thyroiditis and was hyperthyroid and felt awful. We've really struggled financially and in our marriage and I just don't think our family unit would survive. And that isn't fair to anyone -- not DH or DS and not my body. That 2nd child would carry a huge burden I think and as much as I want to do it all again, I/we just can't. And that doesn't even factor in how hard raising him has been the first hazy 18 months, or how badly my body handled getting pregnant, pregnancy, delivery, recovery. All around bad mojo.

krissybegs · November 2011

We are one and done due to numerous circumstances.

I can't emotionally do IVF again. I had so much anxiety during my pregnancy that it was the longest and most emotionally draining 9 months of my life.
Age - my DH and I are both 39.
We have looked into adoption but have decided that it is not for us at this time.

While I never thought we would be a family of three, I have come to peace with this decision. But there are days when I can't believe that Robbie will never have a sibling. Just last week he asked me if he was a brother and I started to cry. I looked at him and I said no, but you are a son, a cousin, a grandson, a great grandson and a friend. He is such a good boy and would make an amazing big brother, but he does have cousins and friends that he is very close to.

RoxBride · November 2011

We'd both like another, but it just isn't in the cards.

I barely survived my first pregnancy and complications left me on sstrict hospital bedrest forever and a day, and there is no way we could go through that again with a child at home and come out intact.

The costs associated with another round of IVF all OOP are too overwhelming to consider. It would put such a strain on our budget, it wouldn't make sense, at all.

So life is what it is. We are trying to embrace and enjoy all the benefits of being parents of an only. We can live on her schedule, we aren't stressed, we get lots of good sleep, we can take her wherever we want and if we want to buy her overpriced candy canes and light up sticks, we can, since it is just one kid.

I think it will be a lovely life for us and our child, and might even be the best thing for us.

epphd · November 2011

Checking in...

I am actually planning to get an IUD. While between IF and chemo you think there'd be no chance of us conceiving, right now I'm not willing to risk it. I'm too freaked out about my own health right now, and potentially leaving another child motherless. But at the same time I sometimes think... down the road when Sam is older - maybe it would be nice for him to have a sibling to help care for us. Or if something happens to both me and to DH - wouldn't it be better for Sam to have a sib.

But honestly I don't think I'd feel comfortable getting pregnant again until I know I am cancer free. And since I'm 37 with a history of IF, I doubt that at 40-42 it would even be an option. So... here we are. And I'm pretty much OK with it. We got a good one - that's more than many people get!

njdcgirl · November 2011

mrsolsenk12:
Sadly we are as well, at least for now. No more IVF or bio children for us. DH and i have talked about adopting down the road but that wont be for several years st the soonest. I still struggle with it as we always pictured our family with 3 kids.

We are still struggling to decide. I know I don't want to go through IVF again, nor any of what we went through with a micropreemie. So, I'm DONE with bio kids. DH isn't quite there yet. We're talking a lot about adoption, but not sure if we are on the same page with that either yet. So...we could be one and done, or we could try the adoption route and hopefully grow our family that way. But, we are both almost 40, so I'd like to start that sooner than later if we make that decision.

It's hard. I teared up reading the post where the LO asked "Is he a brother?" I want my son to have siblings. Crying

BoilerSuz · November 2011

We are one and definitely done. (even though we have frozen embies) It was a relatively easy choice for us. Prior to having DS we had talked 1-2as I am an only child and DH is one of three. We always thought two was a great number of kids, one for each of us! Then IF came along and we became overwhelming grateful to have just one heart filling little guy. Our decision was mutual and multi-part. I knew I couldn't just try, it was either nothing or try until we succeeded. We also really considered mechanics of multiple children and finances of more than one. Honestly our only real concern with one is feeling alone after we die. DS will honestly have no real family on my side. We kind of think of the only one as a decision not made by us we could live with!

epphd · November 2011

krissybegs:
We are one and done due to numerous circumstances.

I can't emotionally do IVF again. I had so much anxiety during my pregnancy that it was the longest and most emotionally draining 9 months of my life.

Age - my DH and I are both 39.

We have looked into adoption but have decided that it is not for us at this time.
While I never thought we would be a family of three, I have come to peace with this decision. But there are days when I can't believe that Robbie will never have a sibling. Just last week he asked me if he was a brother and I started to cry. I looked at him and I said no, but you are a son, a cousin, a grandson, a great grandson and a friend. He is such a good boy and would make an amazing big brother, but he does have cousins and friends that he is very close to.

What a good answer to a very tough question. I know Sam is really in to babies right now and I worry about this. I am thankful he is in daycare with a group of kids he is close to - they spend almost as much time together as siblings would!

tapgirl · December 2011

We are probably done, although every time we drink martinis together, we talk about having another. Age is probably our biggest deterant. I'm 39 and DH will be 44 in about a month. Like some of the rest of you mentioned, it is also hard to think about starting all over again. It is hard to imagine even dealing with the complexities of IVF again sometimes, but it is also still hard for me to imagine not trying to give Brady a sibling. I have 4 siblings and being an only child is a strange concept to me, although I know there are a lot of them out there and they grow up just fine. Sigh. If only we could turn back the clock a few years!

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