I wish more people understood this...

HopingforChange · November 2011

I was reading about infertility and childlessness and came across an article with this quote:

"Writing this, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be childfree. Emboldened, I ask of those blessed with their own children to consider the following: Your family is your good fortune. Not everyone else is as lucky. Please be self-aware about when, to whom, how and especially how much you talk about your children. Just as it is not flattering to be openly bitter about infertility, nor is it becoming to be boastful about one?s parental pride"

This woman is right on! People who cannot or who have not had children are expected to be blissfully happy for those who can and do have them (if not, we are bitter), but there is absolutely zero pressure on the successful people to respect everyone else's circumstances.

Here is the whole link. Sorry it isn't clicky: https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/10/life-after-infertility-treatments-fail/

I should add that I am IN NO WAY comparing my TTCAL experience to infertility. I just found the quote about people's attitudes to be very well-written and profoundly true.

on_a_whim · November 2011

I can't say that I disagree with the above statement... I mean, although I am very happy for those who have been blessed with a child (or children), there are some individuals who do go on about their kids excessively; I do not have experience with IF, but it still bothers me at times when I encounter individuals such as this, so I can only begin to imagine how some of these comments would impact someone who is dealing with IF.

I hardly think it's done out of spite or malice, for the majority, and more out of love...I would also think that most do not realize that their comments/behavior could possibly be offensive or hurtful. Not many people 'wear the shoe on the other foot', so to speak...so for those who are seriously child-centric, a quick read of the above might propose a different perspective. Thanks for posting this Smile

LaTi07 · November 2011

That is very true. I will say when we threw out the BC in December, 2007 we had no idea what we were really in for. My family is fertile. Everyone got pg within a few months and we have a lot of teen parents. I had no idea how hard it would really be and how much it affects your life. I think this is really the road that you have NO idea what it's like until you are the one walking down it. Being so open about our struggles with our family has really opened their eyes. I guess the saying "ignorance is bliss" really is true.

kbhaynes · November 2011

LaTi07:
That is very true. I will say when we threw out the BC in December, 2007 we had no idea what we were really in for. My family is fertile. Everyone got pg within a few months and we have a lot of teen parents. I had no idea how hard it would really be and how much it affects your life. I think this is really the road that you have NO idea what it's like until you are the one walking down it. Being so open about our struggles with our family has really opened their eyes. I guess the saying "ignorance is bliss" really is true.

Couldn't have said it better.

gilmoregirl105 · November 2011

Thanks for sharing this. I agree that people that can easily have children just don't get how hard it can be to not be able to get pregnant and they also don't realize how hard it is to hear them gush about their kids.

Already the holidays are getting to me and I broke down crying at work yesterday because it just hurts to hear my co-workers talk about their kids and getting ready for Christmas and I just sit there wishing I was at least pregnant.

tdmd09 · November 2011

gilmoregirl105:
Thanks for sharing this. I agree that people that can easily have children just don't get how hard it can be to not be able to get pregnant and they also don't realize how hard it is to hear them gush about their kids.
Already the holidays are getting to me and I broke down crying at work yesterday because it just hurts to hear my co-workers talk about their kids and getting ready for Christmas and I just sit there wishing I was at least pregnant.

I agree totally. One of my best friends tries to be supportive of my losses, but sometimes she'll say things like "well, if it makes you feel better, at least your sofa isn't covered in baby puke right now!" or "come over tomorrow and snuggle with my baby, that should cheer you up!"

She has no idea that "cheering me up" by talking about or using her kids really isn't going to make me feel better about the two babies I lost.

besoul · November 2011

Thanks for sharing this. People don't understand miscarriage or infertility unless they have experienced it. It's impossible to describe, there are so many constant reminders of our losses. I'm just so incredibly thankful for a board of women who know how it feels. (((HUGS)))

Ladiebug710 · November 2011

This is totally true, and I have to honestly say something that I hadn't even thought about before seeing it from the other side. But from now on I will do my best to be sensitive to the fact that none of us really know what others are going through in private.

VineyardMel · November 2011

So. Very. True. I know that people mean well--and I know that in other situations I've been on the other side of being insensitive without even realizing it. I wish people took more time to think about their audiences and consider the impact of what they're saying. It's interesting to me that I have some friends who barely mention their children in our conversations and others who can't talk about anything but. You can guess which ones I prefer to spend time with (and, interestingly, have a better relationship with their kids). I really, really hope that *when* I have kids I remember this feeling and can not only avoid hurting friends without kids but also help give them some extra support.

I will add that one of the first things that really struck me after my loss was a sadness that I wasn't more supportive of other friends who have been through m/c. I have quite a few and I remember thinking that I was sad for them, but I knew that I didn't really get it. I wish I could go back and give those girls extra love and support when they were hurting so much more than I could have known.

SavGardiner · November 2011

I absolutely LOVE that quote! i honestly can't stand when people say things like "take my kid for a day! BIRTH CONTROL!" I know that they think they are being cute/funny/supportive? But they are not. i think i might go read the rest of that article

HopingforChange · November 2011

Thanks for the discussion, everyone. Like VineyardMel said, I have the best relationships with friends (and their children) who can also talk about other parts of life. One of these women struggles with IF. She has one child, and that one is a "miracle baby." She will most likely never have more. So, she understands the pain of not having kids when you really want them. Spending time with her and her 3-year old daughter is comforting, rather than painful, because she does not gloat or make us feel "less than." I hope that one day, we are all those kind of parents and can help other women feel included and loved rather than inferior and dejected.

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