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February 2012 Moms
megahof
member
Am I a horrible person? (vent)
megahof
member
So, it seems I'm not only going to be a mommy in February, but I'm also going to be an aunt. My brother has managed to get his girlfriend pregnant, and she is due just a couple weeks after I am. And I hate to say it, but I'm not happy about it in the least.
In short, my brother is the black sheep of the family. He has had substance abuse issues in the past (he's been clean for about 3 years now), has been to prison a couple times (related to the drugs), cannot hold down a job for more than a month, and at 28 is still living with my parents. The girlfriend can't hold down a job, either, so she will be moving in with my brother and my parents, so as not to raise the baby in the scary little apartment in the sketchy part of the city in which she is currently living. (My mom has basically said that she ultimately doesn't care what happens to my brother and his girlfriend, but no grandchild of hers is going to suffer for their parents' stupidity and ineptitude -- thus the free housing.)
Because of the past, my brother and I do not have the best relationship. Years of resentment have built up on my end -- he has stolen from me, lied to me, and pretty much stolen away every free minute I've been able to have with my parents as an adult. ("Sorry, hon, we can't go out to the movie like we had planned because your brother needs a ride to court.") I'm no goody two-shoes, but I think what I've accomplished in life should make my parents proud: I have two college degrees, have a steady job that I really like, and own a home with my husband. The worst I've done in my parents' eyes lately is own two cats (they are dog people). Yet, everything I do in my life or career always seems to be overshadowed by my brother's latest screw-up. His personality is abrasive, and his social skills definitely leave much to be desired (probably a factor in why he can't hang on to a job). He's one of those know-it-alls who will argue a point into the ground, even if he's wrong, and claims that you are "stupid" if you don't agree with him. I've reached a point where I just don't even want to be in the same room as him or talk to him at all.
I wish I could be happy for them, but try as I might, I just can't be. Hubster and I actually tried for this baby, and after a miscarriage, we finally succeeded. My brother was (in his own words) just being irresponsible because he didn't feel like using protection. On top of that, my family knew for months about this baby and didn't tell me until a couple weeks ago. (No apologies or explanations offered.)
I know it might sound petty, but I just feel like, once again, one of the happiest times in my life is being stolen away from me because my parents have to divide their attention between their two kids -- and because I'm the successful, self-sufficient one, more of that attention has to go to my brother. And because of him (and the probability that my child will come late, and his early), my parents will probably have to choose between which hospital to go to when delivery day comes.
I'm not only angry about my moment being stolen from me, but my daughter's moment being stolen from her. She was supposed to be the first grandchild in the family, the one who was doted on for at least a few months or years before anyone else came in to steal the spotlight. Now, thanks to my brother, she won't have that. But because of her uncle, she will have a cousin who (thanks to the incompetence of her parents) will have the majority of Grandma & Grandpa's attention.
Am I a horrible person for not being excited about becoming an aunt?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I a horrible person? (vent)
TTC #2 since 10/2013
BFP #1 (4.14.14) ~ CP (4.18.14)
BFP #2 (6.27.14) ~ EDD 3.7.15
I can understand your resentment towards your bro for all of the reasons you listed but I don't think your LO will be any less loved or doted upon just because she'll have a cousin the same age. All of my siblings (6 of us) have a cousin the exact same age and we weren't deprived of attention because of it. I have a cousin a week younger than me and I actually remember enjoying having her around growing up because I had someone to hang out with at family functions. Look at his LO as an automatic friend for your LO to grow up with.
I also think it's very unlikely that your LO and his LO be born on the exact same day so hopefully your parents won't have to choose which hospital to visit.
Your parents are saints for taking in your bro and his gf given their history and hopefully your niece/nephew will get the love and attention from them that they likely won't get from his/her own parents.
Did you consider that no one told you about this other baby because they were afraid of the way you'd react... you'd be angry and resentful? And don't be mad at your mom, it wasn't her news to tell.
Yes, your brother and his girlfriend are irresponsible. But I highly doubt that their pregnancy was maliciously intended to steal your thunder. Vent out your frustrations here and then let this go and focus on being a good Mom and Aunt.
I don't think you're resentful of the baby, I think you're resentful of the situation, and I completely understand that. My sister had a baby 3 months ago, and she, her husband and the baby just moved in with my parents last month because they can't afford their rent. They move every 6 months, live with my parents off and on, fight non-stop, they both smoke (she never stopped while pregnant), and she just decided that she doesn't want to work and miss any of her son's milestones, so they'll be living with my parents indefinitely.
Honestly, I am relieved that they'll be living with my parents because I know that my nephew, who I love to death, will have stable influences in his life and have some consistency. However, I am a little sad because I know that my parents will have a different relationship with my nephew then they will with my daughters because he lives with them and they see him every day. I know they'll love my girls and will try to not show any favoritism, but it would be impossible for them not to be closer to the child who they see every day. But I'm really happy that my nephew has my parents around because my girls will have two parents who are financially and emotionally able to take care of them, and he doesn't have that. I understand how you feel, but your family will love your child and your niece/nephew will need your parents to provide stability for him/her. And I'm so excited for my girls to have a cousin who is so close in age, just think about how much fun your child and your niece/nephew will have together!
The news is new, so I don't blame you for being surprised and a little bummed, but try to look at the bright side of things and realize that this new little baby is being brought into the world by two irresponsible parents and will need all of the support that he/she can get.
No, you are not a horrible person. I understand how you are feeling.
My younger brother got his 17 year old girlfriend pregnant, when he was 19. They were/are a mess. No jobs, drug issues, living with my dad and they fought like crazy. They ended up losing the baby tragically due to anencephaly, but they are still together and I'm always afraid they will get pregnant again. It is kind of hard to even be excited about our baby around them, because their's was a girl as well and they call her the first grandchild, although she died an hour after birth. As sad as I am for them, the situation would not have been a good one to bring a baby into.
That being said, try to think of it as something positive. Your little girl will have a cousin so close in age! Hopefully they can grow up together and become great friends! And try not to think of it as a battle for attention. Your baby is so lucky to have stable parents and will have lots of love and attention, at least from her parents!
Thank you so much for this -- I think you've hit the nail right on the head. Your family sounds just like mine!
I don't resent my niece -- how could I? The poor little thing has done nothing but existed, and it's not her fault that she will end up with my brother as a father. Of course, I'm thrilled that my parents will be taking them in, because it means that she will grow up in a stable house with people who love her, and she will need that probably even more so than my own daughter. And of course, I'm still going to love her no matter what, regardless of how I feel about my brother.
I guess I'm still upset with the rest of my family for not telling me. But I don't know why I'm surprised -- they have a long history of not telling me anything of importance, and I don't know why. (Here's a perfect example: my brother landed himself in the hospital at the height of his drug use, and was so septic that they weren't sure if he would last the night. They didn't tell me for 4 whole days that he was in the hospital. Then they got upset with me for not visiting him earlier on.) To be honest, if they didn't post the "big reveal" of the baby belly on Facebook before the holiday, I'm not sure they would have told me until after my own child was born.
Anyway, thank you for the thoughtful response -- I really needed to hear from someone with a sympathetic ear. It truly means a lot.
Melodic Insomniac
This! I completely agree with this. I'd be resentful, too, but I would also smile at the fact that your daughter will have the loving, devoted home she deserves!
well I guess we can comiserate with our inhumane jealously issues. I completely get you. I am in a sort of similar situation ( far less dramatic though). M DH's cousin got his GF pregnant ( they are not settled, but a lot more put together than your relatives). She is due 6 weeks after me. Baby girl was ( and still is I suppose) supposed to be the first grandhchild. It is something I have been excited about for years.
I imagine this board is for you what it was for me, a place to vent the thing you cannot say to anyone who you really know, because they are such not nice thoughts. You know very well you can't tell the anyone in the family, or even show any of your resentment without being judged for being a troll. And to be honest ou probably never would or could, but it is still a nagging feeling in the back of your mind.
I wish you the best, and if you ever need to express those "terrible" thoughts that just won't go away, feel free to consider me someone who will not judge you for being human.
My mom and I were talking a couple of weeks ago about my Nana (dads mom) and how she didn't give me and my siblings as much attention because we had a more stable family than my other cousins. It's true that people treat those that are steady and reliable differently and give more attention to those who can't seem to walk a straight line for more than 5 seconds. It's annoying because by doing the right thing and being a good person you will be shafted a lot during life for making good choices.
My brother currently holds the spot with 3 kids and is and will continue to be much more needy than my family will be. I am worried that my mom will continue to run herself into the mud doing for them and not have enough energy to spend with my LO. I know she will love and see her but she will not be in need as my nephews are. My mom gets rundown easily and I will be very very very said for my LO if she misses out on things with grandma and grandpa (they are the only ones close) because my brother and nephews suck them dry.
No you are not horrible for being sad that your LO will be missing out on certain things most likely. (((hugs)))
You're not a horrible person for not being excited. I think a lot of others have already posted some helpful words, so I'll merely add that I think your daughter's relationship may be better and closer than you anticipate. I have a friend who has her mom watch LO while she works and I've honestly never seen such strain on a grandchild/grandparent relationship. This Grandma absolutely loves her grandchild, but she's spoken quite openly about what a struggle it is to be partially raising him. I think grandmothers look forward so much to spoiling their grandkids and not all of them are excited to take on a parenting role. Your mom will get to be a Grandma to your daughter... it's sounds like she's going to have to be more of a substitute parent for your brother's child.
I'm not saying that grandparents can't or shouldn't raise their grandchildren when the circumstances make it necessary. But not all grandmas want to play the role of "mom" or "nanny" too.
No, you're not a horrible person, but you may want to go to Alanon or therapy to deal with your anger & resentment. Sounds like your brother is dealing with his past & cleaning up his act, or at least working to do so. 3 years sober is a huge accomplishment.
The fact is, your daughter is going to have a cousin & no matter how angry you are at him, this baby is coming. You're going to want your child to grow up with her cousin & share holidays with the family. So you need to put your feelings for your brother aside for the children. No one said mending broken relationship was easy, but it can be done. GL!
I don't think that you are a horrible person at all!!! I can completely relate to your comment...
I have two younger brothers. The youngest of which had a kid 6 years ago with his GF because he was lazy and doesn't like protection. Since then he has kinda managed to pull his work life together but he remains with his kid's mother even though she is a crazy b!tch because of his kid. Being the youngest my parents gave so much time, energy and money to him for his kid (and it was their first grandchild). My middle brother... well, let's just say that I wish there was a common sense test required for someone to procreate. He's been married for 8 years and lived with my parents with his wife off and on for the entire time (mostly with my parents). The circumstances of his marriage are odd enough (to compete with me when he came for my wedding he had to announce that he too was engaged and then when we were visiting the next summer they hadn't set a date for the wedding but as soon as we left they decided to get married the next month). He can't hold down a steady job nor can my SIL yet she is desparate for a baby. My father is retired and they have been steadily sucking money off my parents for years.
Then there's me. I've got a great career, own my own house, have a solid marriage (for the past 9 years) and since I got out of university (I'm the only one in my family who has gone) I've been completely and totally self-sufficient and independent. I often feel that I get the short end of things because I have my life together. My parents seem to have relatively little interest in my LO (their first granddaughter) to the point where they went over 2 months without calling this fall to check in on us and I won't call them because I need to see that they are interested in a relationship since for many, many years I have been the only instigator of contact. I've cried myself to sleep over this. BUT I know that because of this I will be a much better mother to my little girl and I will do everything that I can to protect her from this craziness. I often wonder how I'm going to respond if my little girl ever asks why her grandparents don't visit or like her. I'm not sure but I will do everything I can to make sure that she never feels like that.
So do I think that you are horrible or selfish? Absolutely not! As the only girl in the family you want your mother there an involved but based on history you are also very prepared for that not being the case. I really hope that you DH understands your feelings and that you can lean on him during this because it sucks! I really hope that things do turn out better than you expect but I also think that being prepared in important. Lots of hugs!!!