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Single Parents
Pregnant and feeling... unattached?
I know that many of you might judge me for what I"m going to say. I wish I weren't writing this but I'm hoping that perhaps this feeling will go away and that someone may have felt this and gotten past this.
When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I'd just discovered the dad had been with not one but (as of now) 4 women. I won't include my story but he since then turned into a horrendous human being and put me through a roller coaster of emotions. The last time I saw him he was screaming at me telling me I was going to go to hell for having spoken to the other women to make sure that my gut instinct was correct (he lied to me about them and I knew better than to trust him) . He hates me because I uncovered his lies and by doing so the world he'd created sort of came down. I never had malicious intentions I just needed to make sure that I had made the right decision in ending things and hearing the truth from the other women made it even more clear to me. His world has since improved and he's now back to his bachelor ways. I sent him a message informing him of the next prenatal appointment and he hasn't responded. Part of me was both sad and glad because there isn't a part of me that wishes to see him. I simply wanted to make sure that when we go to court I won't be blamed for his lack of involvement. I also would never deny my child their right to have a father even though I struggle with the fact that this man is not meant to be dad.
The last things he told me were that he wanted an abortion and that if i kept the baby that he would seek full custody of him/her. Throughout all of this I was determined to do the right thing (according to me) and not get an abortion. Ever since the last time he and I spoke (its been almost 2 weeks) my life has been drama free and I KNOW that he was never meant for me. Yet, perhaps this is selfish... part of me wishes that I could return back to my life before him. There is a small very tiny part of me that feels guilty for regretting not considering abortion but it isn't something I believe in (for me... I wouldn't judge anyone else for their decision). But I'm now pregnant and I'm taking responsibility for it.
I have spoken to friends who have been supportive but the truth is that they're all slowly drifting away. They aren't inviting me out anymore because I'm pregnant and I have no place going to a bar or lounge. I can't date even though I've been asked out on dates in the past few weeks and I've turned them all down. I feel alone at my new job and I have no one to talk to which makes it even tougher when I feel sick and nauseous. What hurts the most is that I'm not connecting with my little fetus. A family member of mine passed away this past week (this hasn't helped either of course) and someone came up to me to congratulate me on the pregnancy and I found myself forcing a smile and knowing that behind it I wasn't feeling happy about it anymore. When my sister asked about my next ultrasound my heart sank. I feel completely detached and just going through the motions because its the right thing to do. I eat and force food down my throat because its unfair for me to go without food... but the food tastes horrible and I get more nauseous afterward. I wake up alone in the morning and I look at my belly hoping that I'll connect with this child. Soon enough it'll start growing and I'll start showing and I'd like to show with a strong happy smile. I just wish it existed now......
Has anyone else here felt this way before?
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Re: Pregnant and feeling... unattached?
Yup. I was actually angry for awhile. I was mad at myself for allowing myself to get pregnant with my husband when in retrospect he was obviously not acting like the man I married. I was mad at the baby because now I had to be the responsible one.
I didn't tell anyone beyond the father and my parents that I was pregnant until about 14 weeks along. I still would go to bars, clubs etc and not drink of course. I refused to slow down. I made good food choices, exercised, took my prenatals, but only out of what was right for the child, who was completely removed from me mentally .
I didn't feel a connection with this baby until she started to move around in me. I would get woken up to her kicking because I had rolled to my stomach. I started to talk to her like she was my buddy, even though I was faking it. After a week, it wasn't fake anymore.
You have been through a lot. I am not sure why you are holding yourself to impossible standards. Give yourself time.
Edited to add- Agree with PP. If you are not in therapy yet, make that happen right now. Part of being healthy includes your emotional status.
Dear ladies,
Thank you very much for your responses. I found myself crying after reading everything you said. No one around me understands how I feel but I can't expect them to either. I know its unfair to do that. Im the one that was in this relationship for too long it seems and although I was on birth control I take full responsibility for not adding yet another bit of protection on top of that. It was my first and last time doing such a thing because I know that its a level of trust I will never have in someone (specially since he was with 4 other women and having unprotected sex with all of them).
I find it hard to say goodbye to the life I had before this pregnancy. But this is my reality. I fought so hard from the beginning to prevent an abortion and I suppose everything finally just hit me... I'm sad and alone. I never felt that way before in my life. I see pictures of friends during their weddings and I'm so happy for them but I feel as if thats something I can't imagine anymore (at least not anytime soon). I don't have a husband or supportive significant other by my side and it does hurt to wake up alone and scared and go to sleep in the same state. My family on the other hand has been so supportive and for that I'm thankful for. To say I'm alone in this entirely is incorrect because I have their emotional support all the way. My sister never judged me even though she did everything the way I was always told to : get married and then have children. She's pretty religious and I somehow expected her to perhaps be shocked. She was sad and disappointed because she wanted me to have that someone by my side and that father every child needs... but she was the first person to tell me that my child is a blessing. So I'm thankful, grateful, and lucky to have a family who loves me still. However, they all live several hours and states away and visiting them makes me realize how much lonelier it feels to go back to my apartment ... by myself.
I'm certainly not ready to date yet but I wonder how it would ever be possible to get there. I know I'm in a sad state so everything just seems dark. Regardless, I really appreciate all of the advice and insight you have provided. I can't thank you enough.
I was in the same situation. I became separated when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and I felt just like you regarding my pregnancy. I did everything on my own during the pregnancy and it's really tough to prepare for a LO on your own. He's now just over a month and my only advice is to surround yourself with lots of support. My mom has helped me out a lot during this time. She's gotten up in the middle of the night for feedings and during the day given me a break here and there.
I thought going through the pregnancy and divorce was tough but having to actually take care of a newborn has been even more difficult...so please be prepared and again, get the support . It's makes such a difference.