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January 2012 Moms
cbkeni
member
More Wretched Parents...
cbkeni
member
So last week I posted about my dad and my stepmom being wretched. Today my mom totally ruined my good mood!
My mom has always been a raging drug addict alcoholic, but we were always still really close (since I grew up around it I sort of just accepted it as normal). The last couple of years I've been pulling away from her because it sort of finally clicked that she was never going to get better for me or my sister and that just hurt really bad. She had been in and out of rehabs and halfway houses and whatnot and nothing ever worked. And when we were really little and her and my dad were still together she tried to OD and kill herself. When the Doctors asked what happened she said it was an accident and wasn't trying to commit suicide. I don't remember if they believed her or what happened, I only remember her being in the hospital for a couple days.
Anyway she's been sober for 2 years and even though I was really proud of her I was still secretly upset just because for 20-something years her 2 daughters weren't enough for her to want to get sober, but as soon as she started dating her BF she cleaned up and it actually worked (they got clean together, they were "let's do drugs" buddies first). So yea I was a little offended and I'll admit it's douchey of me but I couldn't help it.
So when I told her we were having a baby I was finally excited that she was going to be sober and in my baby's life and she would be around to help me out because when she's sober she's like the greatest mom ever. She was SO excited and we talked pretty much every day after we told her. She wanted to come to my Dr appts and everything and I was like "yey I get my mommy back!"
Then in August her BF broke up with her and she swallowed 3 bottles of prescription pills and drank as many beers as she could before passing out. I'm not exaggerating, that's actually the way the Doctor described it to me. They had NO idea how she didn't have a heart attack before they got her to the hospital. When I got there they told me that she was in a coma and they basically told me she wouldn't come out of it. At first I was really sad and bawling my eyes out because I didn't want my mom to die, but they more I though about it the more pissed off I got. I knew her own kids weren't enough to keep her clean, but I sort of assumed that her first grandchild would do it. But no, it was STILL ONLY her BF that was her reason to live. She ended up coming out of the coma (about 2 weeks after it all happened she was FINALLY able to breathe on her own) and pulled the "it was an accident" routine again and then added "I was just trying to give (BF) a big F-U" (she did it in his house when he wasn't home) I honestly didn't even want to talk to her but I gave in and tried to get over how hurt I was and just be happy she was better. She promised me she was done with her BF and was going to focus on getting her own life together (she's never supported herself, she's always lived at someone else's house, worked under the table for friends, taken whatever she could from people who wanted to help her). About a week after getting out of the hospital I found out she was ALREADY back with her BF. I called to confront her and she told me she had to do what was best for her and she didn't want to be homeless (every person in my family offered to let her stay with them until she got a job) and that she knew I was going to be a "judgmental ***" (her words) but she was hoping maybe for once I would be able to understand that her and her BF being together was what was best. So I told her flat out I was done with her and I didn't care what she did but I wanted nothing to do with her and I was never going to allow my son to be around her (and honestly even if I was going to allow it DH NEVER in a million years would...seriously he would divorce me and take the baby and run away to Canada).
So since then she's been texting me "XOXO love you miss you" and stupid things like that and basically just acting like if she keeps bugging me I'll just forget and start talking to her again. I just never responded and it finally died down after a while and I haven't really heard from her in a couple months. Today out of the blue she texts me asking if I was going to be home this afternoon because she wants to stop by and drop some stuff off (I have no idea what the stuff is). Now this may not seem like the end of the world to you, but to me it is because now all I can think is "I miss my mommy and I just want to forget anything ever happened and be happy and have her around" but after 25 years I can't do it anymore. So now I'm trying not to break down and start bawling in the middle of my office because I hate her with every fiber of my being but at the same time I just miss her and want her to be a part of my life and I don't know what to do. I even got sad because I didn't want to respond but if I don't respond it will make her sad and I don't want to make her sad...WTF?!?!?!?!
It makes it so much worse because last night I left my Drs appt in tears because she started asking me if my mom was excited and I said I don't talk to my mom, so she goes "Oh...mother in law?" nope she's in full time care at the hospital (Huntington's Disease), "grandmothers?" nope they're all dead, and she continued to go down the list of supportive females I SHOULD have for a time like this and I just had to go through all the reasons why I couldn't count on any of them for support. My poor DH had to be like "I'M here for you...<3" which just made me cry harder because his mom was a douche before she got sick too so he totally understands where I'm coming from and it's not fair that he doesn't get to have a mom around for a time like this either.
Anyway, that's it. On the bright side the baby's doing great and me and my Dr actually got along at the appointment so that was nice. Also it's super warm out (60ish in NH in November...not too shabby).
This discussion has been closed.
Re: More Wretched Parents...
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with such a hurtful family situation. No one should have to deal with all that. I can't relate personally, but my ex-h's mother was similar in her past before meeting "the right guy", so I know a little bit of what goes on behind closed doors...
On the bright side, you can take the crap that life has thrown at you and turn it into something very very good for your baby. You can make sure that you are a great mother, and always be there and focused on your baby, I'm sure you will be awesome. Be the better person when it comes to drama with your mom, try to keep your head up & hang in there!
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
I'm sorry with your situation, My husbands mother is an alcoholic and he is exactly like you are. She has called me every name in the book and has said some of the most hurtful things to me and about my children. I try to let it go because it's the alcohol talking. When she is sober she is amazing we tried to include her in the children's lives once. Then she started drinking again, lives on the streets ans in shelters. DH had hoped that since she never made an effort for him or his younger siblings she would for her grandkids. The one and only time I ever knew her sober she made their Halloween costumes, and spent time with them. It was picture perfect and gave my husband so much hope, she built him up then let it all come crashing down. she does the phone thing too, he ignores it, or hangs up.
As for the doctor thing yeah we've been there too many times. (even when we applied for our marriage certificate) They ask about DH's family, we answer his mom is an alcoholic bum and we don't speak to her. His dad ran off with a girl the same age as me 27. My dad disowned me and our kids right before DH and I got married without any explination. he and DH got along really well so we'll never know why. So that entire side of my family is out of the picture, my step mom, half siblings, and grandparents. We only have my mom and her mother, the only grandparents our children will have, they are great and we're all close, the kids see his dad once a year maybe so they have no actual connection with him. It makes us sad, because we are very family oriented people.
God, I so feel for you! I have a similar, though not nearly as severe, relationship with my own mom. She constantly needs to be in a relationship, and was always really verbally and emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive toward my sister and I, me in particular. She is an alcoholic, but wasn't the type to get fall down drunk - it just seemed like an quantity of alcohol would turn her into a raging maniac and she would just scream and scream and scream at you. And then last year she was arrested on a DV charge for assaulting her partner. She's also had past suicide attempts.
She got into AA, which has helping hugely, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think the trick for kids of crazy parents like this is to try to make peace with the fact that she can never really be what you needed her to be when you were growing up. All we can do it take what they can give, or, refuse what they're doing for our own good. We can't change them, or be enough for them to want to change. They have to make their own decision. In the meantime, it's up to us to do what a past therapist of mine calls, "re-parenting." When you're feeling upset and abandoned and mad that they've disappointed you yet again, imagine that you are that little girl again, and think about what you would do differently for yourself. Hold onto your husband, and know that you are a strong person who has been through A LOT - you know how to do this, and you will do a much better job than she did. They can never be what we need, but over time and with distance, it doesn't have to hurt as much. Just hold onto your boundaries. Make it clear to her that she is not allowed to come over. She needs to respect your boundaries if she's ever going to be allowed to see her grandchild. Do not allow her to manipulate you.
I'm praying for you!! Hang in there.
I can understand where you are coming from. My mother's habits when I was a child weren't as extreme...pain pill and sleeping pill addictions. She would sleep constantly and she had a few suicide attempts where I had to go live with my grandparents for 6 weeks at a time while she was hospitalized. But she still managed to be a very loving mother and her world revolved around me when she was awake, so I was very, very close to her. I had my daughter when I was 15 and she was a huge support and a wonderful grandma. I was able to ignore her problems.
But then when she was about 45, our world's came crashing down. She started dating a guy that introduced her to crack. After a few stints in rehab and halfway houses she met and married a guy that introduced her to heroin. I would find her at gas stations begging for money. She had a home but would leave for weeks at a time, living in dirty hotels and crackhouses. I once had to have detectives find her. She would clean up when her husband went to jail but would relapse when he was home. Luckily I was dating a powerful man at the time who had some strong political connections and her husband's last 90 sentence somehow got turned into 2 years. Unfortunately by then her body was broken down from the drug use as was her mind. Long story, but she ended up in a wheelchair with degenerated knees due to deteriorated bones and a life long obesity problem. I had to take care of her for 18 months while fighting to get insurance to cover a knee replacement. She owned a home that my grandparents were paying for so she kept getting turned down from social security and Medicaid and no one would insure her. She ended up with a staph infection that spread to her organs and she went into a coma and had multi organ failure and died.
This is where it gets hard to talk about my feelings. I still feel angry that she couldn't stay sober for me and my daughter...like we were not enough. The mom I loved had died when she started the drugs 7 years earlier. I used to pray she would die, because it was more painful watching her be alive than if she were dead. It was destroying my life and my daughter's and I had no other family to turn to for help. But I couldn't abandon her. I foresaw my life as being held back by her and constantly caring for her. My heart aches for the mom of my childhood every day, but I was relieved when she passed away because I was free. I have found more happiness in the last 8 years than I have in my whole life.
I don't know how to tell you to keep your mom out of your life, because I wasn't able to do it myself. It is so hard, nobody understands who hasn't been through it. I know it would be beneficial to you, but I understand that it breaks your heart. My mom didn't have a mean bone in her body. All of the horrible things she did were to herself, not to me or my child. But having her around killed me a little every day, because I had to see how she destroyed her life. I wish you strength. I would not ever want to be in your shoes again. Just know the drugs are bigger than her and it is not you. Feel free to PM me if you want to:)
Layla 01.08.12
Chloe and Vivian 07.23.13
My Gang. Halloween 2013
Make a pregnancy ticker
Sascha you just made me bawl my eyes out again. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's not fair and I want nothing more than to hug you till you pass out right now.
To be fair, everyone else got me all emotional again with the whole being so sweet and supportive thing, you just sent me over the edge.
When I got home last night I had a FB message from her (I deleted her but I guess she can still send me messages?) saying that I don't have to talk to her ever again and she wants me to know she's so proud of me for sticking to my guns and not giving in to her attempts to communicate with me and she's sorry for everything. Then she went on to say that she "sucks worse than anything else in the world." I sort of have very mixed emotions about that...I feel like part of it is her actually accepting that she screwed up because she actually apologized and she has NEVER in my life apologized (because it's always been someone else's fault), but at the same time I sort of felt like she still isn't taking it seriously...I don't know.
Anyway it's great to know that there are people out there who don't even know me who are still supportive and care. It is NOT great to know that so many of you had to go through the same thing though...I wish that all never happened.
Bright side! It's still 60ish in NH in November
These post made my heart hurt. My dad is an alchoholic but never to that extreme. However, it was enough to do some damage. I started to go to Al Anon a few years ago to deal with my feelings towards him an it really helped. I would highly recommend it.
I wish I could hug YOU! Your story really hit home with me. I wish I had better advice for you, but I wanted you to know others have been there and understand how unbelievably hard it is. I know you are doing the right thing by cutting contact right now. It is best for your inner peace and mental health and best for your family. I also know it is easier said than done, and I know it will be a long, hard road for you. It is hard to see the ones you love in pain, but you have to put yourself and your baby first. I hope you can stay strong and focus all your love on your family, and I wish you didn't have these horrible things to worry about right now. I wouldn't have been able to handle my mom's problems while being pregnant, so I know you are a very strong person. I wish you the best in everything, truly.
Layla 01.08.12
Chloe and Vivian 07.23.13
My Gang. Halloween 2013