Dear well meaning people;

MandyBrownNoser · November 2011

Please, just stop.

You may think that it is helpful to tell us how long you tried and then you gave up and BAM pregnant.

You may think that it is helpful to tell us about your parents, or your sister, or your friend, or your neighbor, or your hairdresser, or your hairdresser's parents, or your hairdresser's sister, or your hairdresser's friend who tried for x amount of time then all of a sudden BAM pregnant.

This is not helpful.

We all are aware that those things do happen, but we are in a place in which we are trying to accept that we will not have that outcome. By coming and telling us all about people who just quit trying after so many years and got pregnant is not helpful at all towards that goal of acceptance.

False hope is not helpful. Telling us we should pray harder is not helpful. Telling us not to give up hope is not helpful.

I know you probably mean well but please for the love of all that is holy, stop.

MrDobalina · November 2011

Hey we tried for 15 years, paid a ton of dough money, and nada. Then we got our miracle, and I got pregnant only to bleed after a few weeks.

So if anyone says anything to me at Thanksgiving about prayers being answered or "hey, at least you know you can get pregnant" I am going homicidal.

irishfrenchgirl · November 2011

OK...where is the effing like button for this post?????? This is brilliant and true. STOP saying "it will happen if you just...". Ya...you DON'T get it and we do not appreciate you telling us these things. MandyBrownNoser...you are my hero!

irishfrenchgirl · November 2011

LIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKE

LIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKELIKE...Sorry...Had to

sillygirlio · November 2011

Ha! I think this should be our new board description. I love this post.

ahappywife · November 2011

Yes Yes

hollymichael · November 2011

I love this post! So true!!!

arbutusbride · November 2011

I have been getting this a lot lately. They say it happens all the time but you know what, it doesn't!

Love your post.

jpredgo · November 2011

SOOO TRUE!!!!!

GreeneyesP · November 2011

Then what do you want us to say? I'm lost at what to say to my best friend who's been TTC for 3 years and just had an ectopic pregnancy. What comforting words do you want someone to say? Help.

hungryhippo · November 2011

GreeneyesP:
Then what do you want us to say? I'm lost at what to say to my best friend who's been TTC for 3 years and just had an ectopic pregnancy. What comforting words do you want someone to say? Help.

::lurking and decided to reply since GreeneyesP didn't say whether her friend will continue to try or not. I sincerely apologize if I am being hurtful by posting this response here::

How about, "I'm so sorry for your loss and this incredibly painful journey you are having. I am here for you." And then simply listen. You can't make this any better or easier for her, but by acknowledging her grief, you will be doing far more for her than most people in her life. By remembering months and years from now that she has suffered/is suffering, you will probably be helping more than she'll know how to express.

::slinks back into lurkdom::

hollymichael · November 2011

GreeneyesP:
Then what do you want us to say? I'm lost at what to say to my best friend who's been TTC for 3 years and just had an ectopic pregnancy. What comforting words do you want someone to say? Help.

I think your friend is in a different situation than those of us on this board. We have basically given up at this point. For me, I am trying to get on with my life and accept that I will not be a mom. So, hearing the stories of women who stopped trying suddently getting KU are not helpful to me. They give me hope and I don't want to have hope. I need to move on.

If your friend is still TTC then these sorts of stories might be helpful to her. I always liked hearing them when I was still TTC. Watch out though--many women, even if they are still TTC, do not like these stories. Depending on your friend's situation, a sudden natural preganancy may not even be possible. So, hearing about someone who suddenly got pregnant after years of trying may annoy her too. To be on the safe side, I would just let her know that you are there for her for whatever she needs. Let her know you are thinking about her. I found the most supportive people to be those who listened to me when I needed to talk.

Mitzi Bishi · November 2011

Thank you for this post.

So many people think that just because it worked for someone they know that it's a blanket statement and will work eventually for everyone.

People hate to admit that there are some people that it simply won't work for and often times they simply can't even consider that, because in their narrow world you just have sex and get pregnant.

I just had this very conversation with my own mother. It make the grieving and getting on with things much harder when people insinuate people with IF are "doing it wrong" or that "it can happen". Unfortunately sometimes doctors do the same thing.

The only way to help someone with this is to listen without judging.

ahappywife · November 2011

GreeneyesP:
Then what do you want us to say? I'm lost at what to say to my best friend who's been TTC for 3 years and just had an ectopic pregnancy. What comforting words do you want someone to say? Help.

For me personally, I just needed someone to lend me an ear. Someone to just listen, without making suggestions of what worked for other people they know.

Dr.Loretta · November 2011

GreeneyesP:
Then what do you want us to say? I'm lost at what to say to my best friend who's been TTC for 3 years and just had an ectopic pregnancy. What comforting words do you want someone to say? Help.

Well, certainly not "Hey, so and so got pregnant and everything went great!" Because believe me, that's NOT what they want to hear. They don't want "It's God's will", "It will happen in time", or any of that other garbage. They want, "I'm so sorry." That's it. Because you know what? It may not ever happen.

Don't try to come up with The Perfect Thing to Say. It just ends up sounding trite and hollow.

Signed, Lurker who just comes to see what Mandy has to say

MandyBrownNoser · December 2011

Dr.Loretta:
GreeneyesP:
Then what do you want us to say? I'm lost at what to say to my best friend who's been TTC for 3 years and just had an ectopic pregnancy. What comforting words do you want someone to say? Help.

Well, certainly not "Hey, so and so got pregnant and everything went great!" Because believe me, that's NOT what they want to hear. They don't want "It's God's will", "It will happen in time", or any of that other garbage. They want, "I'm so sorry." That's it. Because you know what? It may not ever happen.

Don't try to come up with The Perfect Thing to Say. It just ends up sounding trite and hollow.

Signed, Lurker who just comes to see what Mandy has to say

Ha! What up Dr.L.

I thought of you when we were down in Tampa last month. Drove through Ybor City and I told MrBunny- that's where Dr. L and I had dinner. It was a magical evening.

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