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so so sad for my friend, need your advice (trigger)

lizardbits80lizardbits80
in Pregnant after a Loss

Hi Ladies,

A friend of mine gave birth to stillborn twins on Saturday. She was full term and I have no idea what happened. She lives on the other side of the world now and I haven't seen her in years, but we went to elementary, middle and high school together and used to be pretty close. Now we occasionally chat on FB and I talk to her mother (who still lives in my city) a few times a year. 

I want to do something because my heart is breaking for her. I have had nightmares since I heard the news and just want her to know that her precious boys will not be forgotten. Do you think making a donation to a Children's hospital in their honor and under their names would be appropriate?  

I know what it is like to have to grieve publicly- though not anywhere near this magnitude (my losses were early ones) and I do not want to add to her grief in any way. So, what do you think? Thanks in advance and sorry for the trigger- I just don't know who else to ask...

Hugs and love to everyone! 

BabyFruit Ticker
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Re: so so sad for my friend, need your advice (trigger)

  • erbarmywifeerbarmywife member
    I love the idea of a donation in their name.  When I lost my twins, my SIL started a preemie hat project, and donated all the hats to the hospital they were born at, in their names.  Now I know, that a baby out there is wearing one of those hats, and my girls are watching out for them..
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers Mother to Gavin, born September 11, 2007, and Magdalena, born March 21, 2009, Angel Baby MC February 13, 2010, Cynthia, born August 28, 2010 and gone September 17, 2010, Gabriella, born and gone August 28, 2010, and Abigayle, born March 12, 2012
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  • lizardbits80lizardbits80

    Wow, that is really sweet. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your losses. 

     Should I donate to the hospital here in her hometown or where she lives now?

    Thanks for your advice :) 

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • pottermommypottermommy member

    The things I treasure the most are things that I have in remembrance of my DD but it may be too soon for something like that.  Maybe after a few months or weeks you could send her a locket with their names in it or something similar. 

    Honestly right now nothing would be the right thing, or something that will make it better.  Just knowing that you are thinking about her will let her know you care but there isn't anything that can be said.  NO ammount of I am sorry's (b/c so is she) or if there is anything I can do (b/c there isn't) will help.  But just sending a card telling her simply that you love her and she is in your thoughts is enough.  ANd honestly it means so much more to know that you understand that there is nothing left to say.

    I remember at my dd's funeral that my friend bent down and said to me, I have nothing to tell you but I love you.....Of the over 250 people at her service she is one of the maybe 10 that I remember being there.  And that was the only time I saw her the whole day....Sometimes the smallest word and the one that seems to mean the least is the best one you can say. 

    I am sorry for her loss and I hope you can find the right words for you. 

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  • lizardbits80lizardbits80

    I know that you are right pottermommy, there is nothing I can say or do to make it any better. I hate this so much.

    So you think I should wait? I wondered about that...

    Thanks for your advice.  

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • pottermommypottermommy member

    I wouldn't wait to let her know you are thinking about her.  I think that it is ALWAYS good to know that someone loves you and cares about you.  On a gift or a donation of remembrance, maybe wait.  You could always ask her mother.

    See I couldn't bear to look at anything baby or anything to do with Kamryn right after, it killed me, it felt like I was being stabbed.  But that is me, maybe ask her mom, since you talk to her, if you should wait on the gift or donation or foundation being set up. 

    But I wouldn't wait to tell her that you care.  It won't make the hurt go away but it will make her see that people care about her. 

    Oh and on the foundation idea.....I know that my grandma used to knit blankets and donate them to Akron children's hospital for the infants that had passed, so they had something pretty and nice to be wrapped in and something for the parents to take home with them.... I like the PP's idea of a foundation, it is nice to know that with the small ammount of time they were on this earth they helped someone or touched their lives. 

     

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  • lizardbits80lizardbits80
    Great advice, thank you!
    BabyFruit Ticker
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