How should I approach this??

pottermommy · November 2011

One of my very closest friends is CFNBC. We both underwent infertility together, we were at the same center REACH together, she was with me through the M/C, she was at my DD's funeral. She was at my mama's funeral.

We have talked about the baby and she has been really supportive, knowing that I have to be freaking out by now....She knows me very well....But I am not sure how to go about introducing the baby to her once he is here.

I know how badly she wants children and I was with her after her and her DH realized that they would be completely child free. They are out of options. I don't want to be insensitive, I know that even though she loves me that seeing this baby after we have been in the same place for so long is going to be hard to face.

I mean at one point niether of us thought it was going to happen and now we only have 8.5 weeks and he will be here and I want her to be a part of his life as soon as possible but I want her to be ok. I want her to be ready and I don't know how to approach it.

I thought about asking on the CFNBC board but I don't want to be insensitive to them either. Any suggestions.

lauralew · November 2011

Honestly, if you are aware of her feelings and are doing your best to be sensitive to them, I think that is the most you can do. You could reiterate to her that you want to move at whatever pace she is comfortable. Also telling her if at any time she is hurting too much you want her to tell you or do what she needs to protect herself. Finally, encouraging her to be honest with you when things are getting too hard for her so you can respect her and her wishes. Ultimately, it is up to her to advocate for herself, and it's up to you to provide a safe place for her to do that.

erbarmywife · November 2011

Make sure she finds out about delivery FROM YOU! And, leave the option to visit you in the hospital, up to her. If she is comfortable coming to see you at the hospital, then let her do it. If she's not (or you're not) then leave it up to her when she wants to meet him. Maybe ask her if she wants to be an honorary aunt or something. If you want her involved, help her feel that baby boy loves her, too.

Eris-Alexis · November 2011

lauralew:
Honestly, if you are aware of her feelings and are doing your best to be sensitive to them, I think that is the most you can do. You could reiterate to her that you want to move at whatever pace she is comfortable. Also telling her if at any time she is hurting too much you want her to tell you or do what she needs to protect herself. Finally, encouraging her to be honest with you when things are getting too hard for her so you can respect her and her wishes. Ultimately, it is up to her to advocate for herself, and it's up to you to provide a safe place for her to do that.

This is great advice. I think the most important thing is making sure you have an open line of communication with her and she knows how important she is to you. Then just take her lead.

TnG05 · November 2011

lauralew:
Honestly, if you are aware of her feelings and are doing your best to be sensitive to them, I think that is the most you can do. You could reiterate to her that you want to move at whatever pace she is comfortable. Also telling her if at any time she is hurting too much you want her to tell you or do what she needs to protect herself. Finally, encouraging her to be honest with you when things are getting too hard for her so you can respect her and her wishes. Ultimately, it is up to her to advocate for herself, and it's up to you to provide a safe place for her to do that.

This is great advice. Open and honest communication. I'm sure if you brought it up she would know that you're sincere and you don't want to hurt her or make her feel uncomfortable.

opallover · November 2011

Eris-Alexis:

lauralew:
Honestly, if you are aware of her feelings and are doing your best to be sensitive to them, I think that is the most you can do. You could reiterate to her that you want to move at whatever pace she is comfortable. Also telling her if at any time she is hurting too much you want her to tell you or do what she needs to protect herself. Finally, encouraging her to be honest with you when things are getting too hard for her so you can respect her and her wishes. Ultimately, it is up to her to advocate for herself, and it's up to you to provide a safe place for her to do that.

This is great advice. I think the most important thing is making sure you have an open line of communication with her and she knows how important she is to you. Then just take her lead.

All of this is really good advice.

I also want to say that even though you "tell/ask" her to be open and honest it is still going to be very hard for her. I went through this with a friend but she isn't CFNBC but she had a m/c and me talking to her about my fears of being PgAL was hard for her to listen to. I know it's a different situation but your friend might have a hard time telling you that she's having a hard time - either way to me it's not about just clearing your conscience but truely being a sinsitive friend. For example i think it would have been crappy for me to throw up my hands and say "well, I THOUGHT you were ok - you didn't say anything blah blah blah" - but to step back and give her room to mourn or be sad might be good to - just roll with the punches.

Also, I don't think you would "throw" in the towel and say well I thought you were ok etc - just drawing parallels here!

pottermommy · November 2011

Thanks y'all, I def, am not the throw the towel in type..LOL. I just want to be sensitive but I don't want her to feel like she has to hide how she feels. I appreciate the advice!!!

orangegoggles · November 2011

lauralew:
Honestly, if you are aware of her feelings and are doing your best to be sensitive to them, I think that is the most you can do. You could reiterate to her that you want to move at whatever pace she is comfortable. Also telling her if at any time she is hurting too much you want her to tell you or do what she needs to protect herself. Finally, encouraging her to be honest with you when things are getting too hard for her so you can respect her and her wishes. Ultimately, it is up to her to advocate for herself, and it's up to you to provide a safe place for her to do that.

Very well said. I especially agree with the bolded points. I think letting her know through conversation or through a note about this would be helpful. I love what lauralew said about creating a safe place for her to advocate for herself.

hurdalyson · November 2011

You obviously have a very strong relationship with her. I think that the best route is probably to go to her with your concerns, and let her know that while you're not in her shoes, you certainly understand having a pain that others cant understand without having walked in those shoes. Let her know that while it's really important to you to have her in your son's life, that what's most important is making sure she's happy and comfortable to be there.

That's probably going to mean that there wont be a plan - but that she simply knows that you always want her there, but that everything is up to her based on what she's up for. You'll never know what she is or isn't "up for" without letting her take the drivers seat. If you're as close friends as it seems I think she'll find a way to be involved and a part of your son's life, it just may take her some time to settle in.

Good luck. The fact that you're so sensitive to how she's feeling says a lot about how much you care about her. She's got to recognize that.

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