Openness and Legality
Strange subject line...
but we met with our attorney today. How has everyone else handled the subject of how "open" you are with your child's biological parents? Do you have a separate legal document stating what you are planning to provide to the biological parents of your child, or something else?
DH and I would like to keep the possibility of in person visits with the BM of our future child. We were thinking once a year would be fine. Then the attorney asked how long the "once a year" would last. All day? 2 Hours? I guess I was thinking an afternoon, but I am not really sure what that entails. Does anyone have experience here who could provide their insight? So far our e-mom says she will not be able to do visits in person for a couple of years but after she has had time to begin healing she would like the option (she mentioned after 5-6 years). I was thinking something like having the option for an in person visit each year, with no roll-over visits if the visit is not taken advantage of. So at year 6 she cannot say, "I would like 6 visits this year every two months to make up for the last 6 years."
Not that she would do that, but still.
Anyone? How was your openness handled legally?
Re: Openness and Legality
Our agency asked what we were open to as far as openness is concerned. We were fine with letters, pictures, and visits. Our agency tends to recommend 2 visits/a year. Our dd's birthmom requested just that and the visits were at her request.
No, we did not have a legal document to state this. We did sign a promise through our agency. It's up the adoptive parents to uphold their end and their promise. We were told that it's not a legally binding document. I don't think that any state can legally require you to complete visits, but I might be wrong here...
Our relationship has evolved into much more than what she asked for and it's been wonderful. We had 4 visits during dd's before dd turned 1 and 4 visits between age 1 and 2. About 1/2 of our visits have been at their request and 1/2 have been at our request. We have had most of our visits here at our home with her birthmom, her birthmom's boyfriend (not dd's birthfather), her birth grandparents, and her birth uncles. It's been so nice to get to know them. We also met at the local zoo one afternoon. This past summer we met here at our house one day and then went to a small splash park at our township park. We even met one of her birthmom's cousins that day since he happened to be visiting.
We have had her birthmom over to my parents' house to celebrate dd's birthday. We've had them to our house around Easter and Christmas.
They are a part of our family and we're so fortunate to have any time with them. It's very possible that our dd's birthmom may move and go away to college and very likely that her family will move do to a job situation. So we really cherish and look forward to seeing them.
Why not just specify that you would like one visit per year (amount of time to be decided by both parties) and then add in something to allow for it to be flexible - that if you and the birthmother both agree you would like to spend more time together for your child's sake, you have that option.
Are you uncomfortable with more than one visit a year? Just curious.
I write more about open adoption on my blog if you'd like to read it...it's in my siggy. Or you can page me, too, if you have other questions. I like talking about open adoption.
It's up to the adoptive parents (and BP) to keep their openess agreement. We don't have a document drawn up for either of our children. The openess arrangement is usually presented/agreed to with the agency (or facilitator/attorney/etc) you are using and you agree to it. These documents aren't legally enforceable, as once rights are terminated, you are the parents. It's up to you to do what is in your best interest for your child. Including visits (or eliminating them) if necessary.
One of the things that really struck me during our finalization hearing was when the judge said "it's as if you've given birth to him. the law doesn't differentiate once you are finalized."
Your attorney is probably trying to get you thinking about what you are comfortable with as a starting point.
ETA: When he asked "how long", are you sure he didn't mean duration of years as opposed to time? For example, we are open to yearly visits until age 6? Just a thought.
Our BM's attorney typically does an agreement to be filed as part of the adoption decree, but our BM didn't want to do one. Technically we're not "legally" obligated to provide anything to her, but of course for the sake of our daughter we're doing what we can to keep our relationship open.
When we met with BM (we're a private adoption) she wanted the adoption to be "closed" after birth. We shared with her that we were open to sending letters/photo's/updates monthly for the first year, and then tapering off to yearly after that. At the time, she didn't want that, however after birth, we set up a FB account for her with photo's/updates of DD.
To me, it sounds like the attorney is asking how long you're willing to do the yearly visits- in terms of number of years. Is it on going, or stopping at age like 5? Not neccessarily for 8 hours etc.
However, we fully support open adoption and believe it to be the best in the right situations. So we began with a semi-open promise (pictures/emails/letters) because that promise we knew we would always be able to fulfill. After we met our son's first mother we felt comfortable to provide our personal information. After the first 6 months of our relationship post-birth we offered visitations - but she did not reciprocate the desire (pictures, emails and updates were more comfortable for her). I would not hesitate to have a visits with her multiple times of year now or when appropriate/desired ... but I would not have been able to go into the arrangement that way in the beginning until I knew that she would be a stable, drama-free individual to have in our family's life. Please do not mistake this with me not loving her or being grateful to her for her sacrifice - they are two different things.
Even when these documents are drafted by the lawyer they rarely are enforceable once the adoption is completed. They are a promise. Not only a promise to your child's biological parents but a promise to your child. My opinion is not enter into something that you wouldn't be able to maintain despite differences though of course you can always stop abiding by your promise (it is just more emotionally dramatic and potentially traumatic to the bio family who may not understand if you think they are not stable enough for the visits).
Good luck.
All of this except our agency doesn't recommend a particular number. We agreed to one visit a year, but we haven't visited yet. Our agreement also states pictures and a letter once a year, but I've sent a letter with pictures every couple months.
Thank you soooooo much everyone who answered!!!
The e-mom was in foster care as a child and has been promised many things during her life that never came true, therefore she is a little nervous that things I am promising now won't come true. I am just trying to find the best way to word everything.
I am definately open to more than one visit per yer, I like the way one responder said "with the possibility of more if mutually agreed upon" or something like that. She is also concerned with what happens when her baby turns 18. When she was in foster care she was kicked out at 18. Her foster parents do not sound like parenting role models. She wanted to make sure that I didn't feel the same way about her baby.
Anyway, thanks again so much!
As part of our profile key, we were to specify how open we wanted to be, and specifially how many visits a year. We were comfortable with meeting up twice a year with birthparents, and that was part of how we were matched. So far that's what we have done. We see DD's BM and BGM every summer during our adoption agency's picnic, and once in the late fall/winter. We typically get together for a few hours and catch up. As part of our adoption agreement, at a minimum we are expected to send letters/pictures on a regular schedule. We also added a blog that only DD's birthfamily can view that I try to update at least once a week. That way they can check in when they feel comfortable and see what's going on more often than, say, once a year.
The state where we adopted DD recently passed legislation making open adoption agreements legally binding, mostly to protect birthparents from having agreements ignored. It's not retroactive so we haven't filed one, and DD's BPs haven't expressed interest in one.
So in a nutshell it wasn't handled legally; it's on the honor system.